B Movie Breakdown - Episode 18: Rockula

“What are we watching this week?” ROCKULA – WHO’S ASKIN’?! Due to Youtube being a dick, we’ve had to change this week’s selection to 1990’s musical(?) rock romance Rockula. While life may have given us lemons, we’re so glad it did, or we might not have managed to dig this gem out of the muck. Before Twilight took a big Mormon shit on the vampire genre, moviegoers were treated to this ridiculous supernatural romance about the worst vampire ever and the girl that somehow loves him. Ralph the vampire refuses to bite anyone, has almost no powers and hasn’t managed to get himself laid in his 400+ year life, probably due to being a complete pussy and living with his creepy slut mother the entire time. When his star-crossed lover of the past three centuries literally runs into him again, Ralph finally decides to find his balls and win her over the best way he knows how – by starting a rock band in a day and writing the most awesomely bad songs he can! Ralph and Mona’s new love may be stillborn though, as Fate and its ham bone of death conspire against it through Mona’s jealous ex Stanley, an over the top, fast-talking British funeral accessory salesman. I mean, if your psychic tells you to murder your ex, that’s pretty much coming from God, right? With such wonderful weirdness and a plethora of “WTF!” moments, this is one of our new favorites. Get ready, because this movie is going to rock you…la! Oh, and Ralph has an evil twin/other personality he’s constantly talking to in the mirror who never gets explained. How fun is that?

Next week we’re going back a mere 8 months to check out 2012’s Creep Van. (On Netflix.) A creep in an old 1970s van is going around Detroit picking up people and murdering them with van-based booby traps. And how appropriate, because this film contains plenty of boobies and, according to the reviews, deviant sexuality! Good old-fashioned gore, titties and silliness, but with a modern sensibility. We can’t wait!

Remember almost every movie we watch is available for streaming on Netflix or YouTube! (Except this week’s is on Amazon Instant)

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