Skip to main content

We will keep fighting for all libraries - stand with us!

tv   Piers Morgan Tonight  CNN  August 21, 2011 2:00am-3:00am PDT

2:00 am
that, but you are funny. >> thank you man. cnn -- kevin hart on cnn! [ laughter ] >> kevin hart is crazy. and he says he is working on a second film and tv project. thank you, kevin. i'm don lemon at the cnn headquarters in atlanta. i'm off sunday, and hala gorani is in for me, and i will be guest hosting for joy behar all next week on hln. can you believe it? make sure you tune in. if you only know jimmy fallon from his tv show, you don't know the real jimmy fallon. yes, he may well be the funniest guy in late night tv. he's a veteran of "saturday night live" and an author. he's even got his own ice cream flavor. behind all the laughter is another jimmy fallon. >> piers, you're not going to make me cry, buddy. i saw what you did with oprah.
2:01 am
>> the real jimmy fallon. >> properly in love? properly in love, what are you saying? what are you -- >> jimmy fallon, the prime-time cable exclusive, this is "piers morgan tonight." jimmy fallon, your new book is called "thank you notes." we all know them from your show. brilliant, simple idea. >> very quick. you know, when you start a talk show, a late night talk show, you always hope for like the top ten list or the headlines like leno has or whatever like that. we try different things every week. this guy jeremy bronston came up with the thank you notes. it was with one off. we tried it, wrote sarcastic thank you notes, twitter, facebook blew up. my god, thank you notes did it
2:02 am
again. guys, we might have a hit. it's cool. >> is it like all things in comedy, especially with the running things, is it the simpler the idea, often the more effective it is? >> yeah. seriously, ideas you think of off the street, like last week i really went into a store and bought a pack of gum. the receipt for the gum was two feet long. i go, you've got to be kidding. i pay with a credit card, nothing i paid, cash, i go, what is this? coupons. i'm killing the rain forest to get fresh breath. this is insane. >> who are you most likely to write a thank you note to right now as a comedian, anthony weiner or arnold schwarzenegger? tough one. >> oh, gosh, they've both been great for me. great comedy. i would say schwarzenegger because everyone has the schwarzenegger impression. mildred, get over here, get over here now! mildred, you forgot to polish something! get over here! it's me just being friendly with you! oh, hi, maria. just joking with mildred.
2:03 am
>> but on "saturday night live," for example, could you ever have imagined a political sex scandal rocking america where the guy's name was weiner and he was sending photos of his wiener over the internet? >> the worst is we haven't heard from his aide gary butole, who is -- he hasn't admitted anything, but look at those pictures, you're, like, oh, gary. >> like christmas comes early when this kind of thing happens. >> "saturday night live" is off for the summer. >> but for you guys, brilliant. >> just fuel to the fire. it's the best. i had tiger woods on the show and i said, look, i know it's been pain and anguish for your personal life, but as a comedian, i've got to say thank you. because, i mean, the double entendres for golf and sex, holes, strokes, foursomes, i mean, balls. i don't have to write anything. >> the texas scramble. >> they're not even jokes.
2:04 am
they're just actual things. >> you have this remarkably free life you've had, happy existence. >> yeah. >> nothing bad seems to have ever happened to you. then i thought, that's why he's so happy all the time. that's why you're always smiling. >> yeah, i guess. of course bad stuff has happened to me here and there. but it's, like, i really don't embrace the bad stuff. i honestly purposely have not gone to therapy because i know some crazy stuff is going to be dragged up. i'll be, like, wait, what? >> instinctively your protective shield is comedy. you don't really want to answer that question, do you? >> no. i mean, i guess it is. i mean, probably if anything i'm irish catholic upbringing, i think it's probably that guilt thing floating somewhere. but i can relate with a bunch of people out there. >> even in other interviews i've
2:05 am
read that you do, there's nothing really there to go for outside of your comedy. >> i guess not. why not? that's not really my job. i had that attitude since i started. i go, this is my job, it's what i want to do. when the whole conan/leno thing went down, same thing. i go, my job is not to be serious, it's my job to make people laugh and go to bed. my show is on at 12:30 a.m. >> i love that. >> eastern. >> love that. 12:39. >> the weirdest time. tivo if you don't watch the show. dvr it. if you have a vcr, good for you. let me show how it's still going. >> the whole conan/leno thing, the offer is you can go on at 12:01. it's not even tonight. how can -- "the tonight show" starts tomorrow. >> it's tomorrow show, exactly. they said to me, would you mind moving an hour later? i said, yeah, of course. what time am i on now? are you kidding me? i'm basically on at 3:00 in the morning. i'm up against the slap chop commercials. >> i can't imagine anybody disliking you. i asked everybody about jimmy fallon. they were all like, great guy, great guy. even if they don't watch your
2:06 am
show, they like you. >> people have disliked me. you know, high school i wasn't the most popular kid. i wasn't the nerdiest kid. i was kind of in the middle. >> why weren't you that popular? >> i don't know. i don't think i had the -- i don't know. i never had the -- i didn't want to go with the crowd. i just wanted to do my own thing. i'd be friends with you and then be friends with some headbanger, burnout kid. what's up, buddy? how are you doing, man? what are you up to? i'm 16. he's like, try this, man. i'm friends with him but i'm friends with the nerds who like math. i loved the math team. i was obsessed with that. i think i have a -- >> were you drawn to the absurd and the potential comedian always? >> i think so. i think so. my parents are both from brooklyn, new york. they're both from brooklyn.
2:07 am
they're very city people. they don't know how to drive. my dad has a license, but he's awful. and he taught me. so i'm second generation. >> why would anybody drive in new york anyway? >> they don't have to. >> i don't get it. >> makes no sense. but once you move out, you have to be prepared for the rest of the world, so you drive. so my dad taught me. now i'm just second generation. i'm awful. >> did you have a happy childhood? >> it was so happy. it was great. me and my sister, gloria. very happy. my parents, very entertaining irish people. very fun. my sister, very funny, and my grandparents lived right next door to our house, almost in our backyard but they had their own house. so they didn't live in a shack or anything. weird story there. no back woods thing. we fed them through a slot in the door. shut up! but they kind of helped raise me. so i would go hang out with my grandparents. i'd go to church all the time. i wanted to be a priest for a while. >> did you? >> yeah. i thought it was fun. i was thinking about it recently, i never thought about
2:08 am
it until recently, but it probably was my first time i was on stage, you know. because i was an altar boy and you go out and come back from the curtain and stand next to the priest and ring the bells. >> and do all the things. and people are watching you. you go, oh, my parents would come watch me, come see my shows. he's the best bell ringer. you ought to see him ring those bells. my baby is the best. >> interesting talking to you. it sort of confirms my theory that you were surrounded by love and happiness and comedy and all of this kind of thing, a strong religion and so on. most comedians i've interviewed have an element of something in their lives which has made them go into comedy. i mean, i interviewed sarah silverman, for example, who was open about a very difficult upbringing. she was drawn to comedy because she got this sucker from an audience laughing at her and giving her warmth. and so many comedians i've met are quite tormented characters. >> yeah. i mean, there's probably some angle to me somewhere that's tortured or whatever, but i don't dwell on that.
2:09 am
i just accept it, it happened or whatever, and i just move forward. >> i want to play you a clip of your first ever stand-up comedic routine. >> hi, i'm jimmy fallon. welcome to the audition for the commercial. we need a star to sponsor a new line of troll dolls. okay? let's start. first, mr. john travolta. thanks a lot. hair is really frizzy. like i don't know how you guys expect to sell these things. >> apart from the hair, which is outrageous, what do you think when you watch that? >> the striped shirt. >> everything, the fashion disaster. >> i took that act, i had that act, that was my only act. i had -- someone bought me a troll doll for my high school graduation. my senior year in high school they bought me a troll doll with the frizzy hair. first of all, i don't know what i'm going to do with the troll doll. thank you for the present but seriously. i remember my mother heard about this impression contest on the radio and said, jimmy, you
2:10 am
should enter this contest. it's at bananas comedy club. i know you do all those voices up in your room. >> did you love the buzz of laughter coming from people? >> i think that was the thing. it was that pleasing people type of thing. you told a joke and you got a laugh and it's like, that's cool. i got a good reaction. there's nothing like it. it's an adrenaline rush. you know from doing "america's got talent," in front of a crowd. there's nothing like it. when you finish, if it's a good bit, if you have a good quip and the crowd goes nuts, nothing like it. >> that's absolutely true. there's also nothing like the terrible black hole of when you do a quip and nobody laughs. >> yeah. that's -- the first time it happens, it's shattering. the second time, awful. third time, worst. fourth time, i can't believe this is happening. fifth time, you go, not too bad. sixth time, you go, this is kind of fun. then you kind of look forward to the silences where it's like, i don't mind bombing a joke. i'll do a joke in the monolog that i know won't get a laugh. >> when we come back, we'll talk
2:11 am
about "saturday night live" which obviously propelled you into the stratosphere. and slow jamming. let's not forget that. also get a free flight. you know that comes with a private island. really? no. it comes with a hat. you see, airline credit cards promise flights for 25,000 miles, but... [ man ] there's never any seats for 25,000 miles. frustrating, isn't it? but that won't happen with the capital one venture card. you can book any airline anytime. hey, i just said that. after all, isn't traveling hard enough? ow. [ male announcer ] to get the flights you want, sign up for a venture card at what's in your wallet? uh, it's okay. i've played a pilot before. that's what people could say if you're still using a liquid foundation that can settle into your lines and wrinkles and make you look older. like an apricot... or a prune. and i like both, i just don't want to look like one. covergirl and olay simply ageless foundation has regenerist serum
2:12 am
and floats above lines and makes you look younger. you will look so young people will be like "how is that baby driving a minivan?" "who let the baby into the bar?" and so on. can your anti-aging makeup do that? ♪ simply ageless from olay and easy, breezy beautiful, covergirl. aren't getting enough whole grain. but actually, it's never been easier to get the whole grain you want from your favorite big g cereals. from cheerios to lucky charms, there's whole grain in every box. make sure to look for the white check.
2:13 am
♪ ♪ [ male announcer ] more people are leaving bmw, mercedes, and lexus for audi than ever before. ♪ experience the summer of audi by september 6th and get over 130 channels of siriusxm satellite radio for 3 months at no charge. and challenge janet who's 6 chapters ahead. [ male announcer ] with interactive learning solutions from dell, mrs. davis can make every student feel like her only student. dell. the power to do more.
2:14 am
the president did assert the need to focus our national energy strategy on renewable resources. >> yeah, baby. let's get together and build some wind turbines.
2:15 am
you know all they want to do is get blown or, damn, girl, we could build a dam, girl. >> that is cool, one of your signature slow jams. promise me one thing. >> yeah. >> at some stage in my life i can do that with you. >> please. >> seriously. >> deal. >> deal? i would love to do that. again, so simple, so funny. >> that was -- we did that in our very first show, slow jam the news without brian williams. we started out and did it, these two great writers write this bit, slow jam the news. then we did it and we asked brian if he would do it, just brian williams, he's -- >> of course. >> so he said, yeah, i'll come down and do it. and now he's addicted. he's hooked because he's great at it and he just destroys. it's just -- you know, he plays the straight man so perfectly. >> the big break for you obviously was "saturday night live." when you were growing up, i know
2:16 am
you worshipped the show, watched it all the time. >> yeah, that was it. >> when you actually discovered you had the possibility of being on it, what was that moment like for you? >> i think it was like -- you know, i actually auditioned for the show -- i dropped out of school, college, went to l.a. to join the groundlings like the second city of l.a. improv group. i learned how to act with other people because when you do stand-up, you don't know how to act with other people because you're on stage by yourself. i got to audition for snl and i did the troll bit, i did the celebrities impersonating -- like endorsing the troll dolls. i would do bill cosby, the thing about the troll you take the -- and do whatever, you know. so i'd do the whole bit and i bombed. like you were saying, it was awful. so i was at the comic strip in new york city. bombed. tracy morgan got the job that year. two years later, they asked me back to audition again. they said, don't do the troll bit.
2:17 am
we've seen that. think of something else. i did something else. i did a celebrity walk-a-thon, a bunch of celebrities walking for charity. so i do jerry seinfeld, i say, like, isn't this great? why don't we all take a bus. we're all in the same place. why are we all walking? we're all going to end up in the same place, you know. so i do that. i remember doing the audition for snl -- >> did you do your de niro? one of my favorites. >> i did not do the de niro. >> de niro is fantastic. >> excuse me? nope. okay. okay. yep. nope. okay. he's my first guest on our show. >> you see that as your dark street because you're known he's renowned to be this terrible guest. i would love to have him on because i love de niro. when you watch him, it's torture for everybody when he's doing interviews. >> he doesn't like to talk. >> so you choose the guy when you get your massive gig for your first show and it's robert
2:18 am
de niro. why would you do that? >> when you start a show, publicists, they control the actors, what publicity they do. so publicists basically run actors' lives and what they do in a weird way. so when you go out to publicists when you're first starting out, publicists are afraid of you. they're like, this show is going to probably flop. i don't want my client near a flop, i don't want my client to go on a sinking ship. so you have to call in friends and favors, for the first week at least. so i had tina fey, justin timberlake. tina was like, i'll do the first show, second show. whatever show you want me to do. i was like, whatever is hardest to book, i'll do for you, buddy. don't worry about me. don't make me feel good by making me the first guest. so i wanted an a-list actor, someone from new york city. so i called robert de niro. i was, like, look, i've done charity things with him before. he was the coolest guy. nothing to promote, nothing to come out. he was working on movies. really no reason to come on. he goes, okay. yep. i'll do it.
2:19 am
yeah, i'll do it. the best guy ever. i'll never forget it as long as i live. robert de niro is the coolest human being on the earth. i'll never forget it. >> it's an amazing favor. i wouldn't care if he sat there and didn't say anything. he's robert de niro. >> he basically did. he sat there and said nothing. that's what i wanted. we recently had him back on and played password with him because it's perfect because you only have one-word hints. i was, like, ha-ya! and he goes, karate? there was the perfect gig. he's the best sport. i remember we wanted u2 because i'm friendly with bono and edge. i've done bits with those guys. i asked them but they were doing a whole week on letterman. letterman just booked them for the whole week, trying to go ahead against us, like who can get the better guest. what a bummer, they would have totally done me that favor. i'm like, okay. who else can we get? and that's why the world works the way it works.
2:20 am
just so happened that van morrison was in town. so it's de niro, justin timberlake, van morrison, first show. >> brilliant. >> just luck would have it, just the way it works. >> what really makes you laugh? >> i like -- of course i love comedians, any comedian. i love any comedian. >> what can make you laugh out loud? what kind of thing? >> british humor. i'm a big fan of chris morris "the day today," mighty boosh. you know those guys? >> yeah. >> mighty boosh is really funny. we had them on the show and they didn't have their visa so they weren't allowed to perform legally. i don't know what that means. they couldn't perform on stage. they had to sit in their chairs. i did the secret policemen's ball five years ago in england. they did this bit, it was so funny, where they came out and one was a very glam guy, one is very straight. have you seen this new hair dryer? he's, like, no, i haven't seen
2:21 am
it. you must know the ads. jean-claude puts his jacket on. he goes, no, i don't know. he's said, come on. ♪ then all of a sudden they both start talking. oh, a stylist. "walking around paris with a tiny rug sack." they do this whole bit and they did it sitting down, which is legal i guess. and, man, it killed, it destroyed. i just loved watching that cross over to america because they're brilliant comedians. i love -- >> when you watch ricky gervais, at the globes, say, you know where he's going to go with this. it's like having a shark for dinner. everyone is complaining. everyone knew what he would do. i found it hilarious. >> i think that's with everyone who hosts. they go, chris rock, he was so irreverent. i go, that's what chris rock does. what do you want him to do, billy crystal's act? billy crystal, he's the best at billy crystal. steve martin is the best at steve martin. >> i went to the emmys when you were the host, and what they
2:22 am
really want is they don't want it to ever feel uncomfortable or nasty. and your genius that day is you were coming out with lots of stuff, just knifing people, but it all felt so warm and celebratory, that everyone felt they could laugh. >> yeah. >> that's your trademark, i think, isn't it? >> i think that's my thing. i don't like to kick people when they're down. i like to kick people when you're up. i'll take care of you until you're up again. then i'll take a shot. if you're in on the joke, i know everybody can take a good joke, if you're in on it, then why not do that. that's the fun of it. i remember we had ted danson, i had to introduce ted danson, great guy, great sense of humor. i was, like -- they played the "cheers" theme. ♪ i go, ladies and gentlemen, wherever this guy goes, everyone knows his name, give it up for mr. tim dinson. he came out. he immediately got the joke. people are, like, what? tim dinson. the fact that you screw up ted
2:23 am
danson's name, that makes me laugh. we did a bit when i hosted teh mtv va years ago, i said, this next singer has a number one song, give it up for shakira pinkelstein. she lost the last name? shouldn't use the last name? sorry. give it up for shakira. she's a good sport. those type of things where you're like, i gotcha. when we come back, i want to talk to you about donald trump and also about late night wars. >> beautiful! >> bruising battles. >> 24-carat, beautiful wars. marble, gorgeous. hi there! that's not going to satisfy you. it's time for a better snack. here, try this. it's yoplait greek. it has two times the protein of regular yogurt. you'll feel satisfied. [ female announcer ] yoplait greek. it is so good. it's pretty good!
2:24 am
2:25 am
2:26 am
2:27 am
the fact is, the president clearly coordinated the secret cia mission, assassination, and ensuing press conference specifically to cut off the end of my show, "the celebrity apprentice."
2:28 am
so basically, i killed osama bin laden. so congratulations to me, donald trump. thank you. you're welcome. >> he thanks himself. he says, you're welcome. >> donald is another one. i love him. i wish i was on his show. >> yeah. you were great. >> but he's a magical character for you guys. >> i don't even understand what he is. he's so good. we did a bit on our show once where we had remote control boatsm and we were racing the remote control boats. and he stood up with his boat and he was following his boat around. i go, donald, it's remote control. you don't -- you don't have to touch it. it's the idea of it. you can stay here. that's the idea of the game. you don't walk with the boat. you know, he was, like, i don't know, jimmy, you know, my boats are beautiful, 24-carat gold, beautiful boobs on it, great, beautiful, beautiful boat. we played charades with donald
2:29 am
trump and lil john and nini leaks. >> ever think that would happen in your life? >> no, that's the fun part of having a talk show. we're having this thing and lil john is clearly doing a guy -- a woman giving birth. he's doing baby. i think it was baby talk. he's going like this. his legs are up. donald trump is going, round boobs, beautiful boobs, beautiful -- beautiful 24-carat, marble boobs. it's, like, no, he's clearly giving birth. have you never played charades? you have kids! >> my favorite is donald on the show with a live audience. towards the end, it had gone very well, at the end, everyone was loving it. he just turned to me and everyone could hear him, by the way, don't worry, the ratings are going to be great. and you know what? they were. >> no, he was host of "saturday night live," god bless him, he's the nicest dude. we wrote in the sketch, just a
2:30 am
bunch of comedians sitting around the table, writers meeting. we were going over the sketch and reading the sketch. he tells some joke, we wrote a joke about how his casino is failing in atlantic city. he was, like, and my casino is failing in atlantic city. he takes his glasses off and he goes, mark my words, that casino is going to be number one in two years, to a bunch of comedians. we're sitting there, like, what? we don't know -- what are you talking about? we just are writing a joke. >> indisputably he is endlessly entertaining. >> he's a smart, smart businessman. he knows what he's doing. running for president, not running for president, "celebrity apprentice" goes up. >> of course. >> genius. >> tell me about the late night wars. my perspective is i really like jay leno and i really like conan. >> yeah, me, too. >> whenever i've met either of them, they're unfailingly courteous, very nice to talk to, very generous with their time and so on. i'm sure you're the same. so when you get a situation that
2:31 am
arose in the way that it did and it creates this awful chasm between them, how do you feel about that? >> it's almost like watching your family fight. you go, well, if you're going to do it, just get it over with and i'll be uncomfortably at the table. can i have more wine, please? pass the peas. >> where do you think the real problem lay in all of that? >> i don't know. >> almost a catalyst. was it as simple as when jay was number one, nbc saying to him, you've got five more years, then you have to stop, without thinking in five years time you might still be number one? >> i think that's bizarre in the first place. if you're number one, someone says, by the way, in five years someone is going to take your job. i don't know what that means. like if i was jay leno, i'd be, like, what are you talking about? why in five years? that doesn't make sense to me. >> which is exactly what happened, i think. >> yeah. but that right there, for me, i would be, like, that's an insult. to me. >> do you blame jay for anything that happened?
2:32 am
>> no. i don't blame jay. i feel bad for conan because he wanted his shot at "the tonight show" and i don't know if he got a fair shake. if he did, i don't know if he did. it's just too hard to say because he wasn't around -- he didn't get that much of a chance. >> i find it sad that those two guys no longer speak at all. >> i find it sad that no one speaks. i find it sad when pink floyd doesn't speak. i find it sad when simon and garfunkel don't speak. i go, really? what is the deal? go sing "sounds of silence." everyone loves it. it's going to kill. >> who do you feel most competitive towards? who do you look at when you look at ratings or the publicity they're getting and think, that's annoying me? >> brad pitt. i hate that son of a bitch. he's so good-looking. he gets the women. he's got the movies. i want to work with terrence malloy. where's my chance? >> are you a frustrated movie star? you've got the kind of looks for it. you've had a stab at movies. >> i don't think i have the looks for the leading man.
2:33 am
i could be a best friend guy that comes in, hey, you guys should get together. i could be that guy. i don't know if i'd be the guy. i tried to give it a shot. i had two great shots, "taxi" with queen latifah, which didn't do that bad. in fact, most people recognized me on the street from "taxi." it's kind of funny to see how it's grown on cable because people actually like it. it's silly, it's ridiculous, but so is any movie. what isn't? i mean, "speed," that's a hit. come on. jumping over a bus with sandra bullock. it's just crazy. it's a movie. it's supposed to be fake. >> what i find about stand-up comedians or anyone who's done that is how you would ever have the patience for movies. >> i don't like it. the fun thing about doing my show now is it's immediate gratification. instant gratification. where you do a movie, you have to be quiet, everyone on the set is quiet, no one is laughing. he's doing a comedy scene, everyone is trying not to laugh. they're not looking.
2:34 am
i don't even know if i am being funny at there point because there's no gauge. then you edit for two months, then you promote the movie for three months, six months later the movie comes out and the critics go, it sucks. you know, what? that's half a year of my life and it sucks, at least on my show, if i tell a joke, the audience is, like, that sucks. all right, i go to another joke. i gotcha. take another break and then when we come back i want to talk about bad boys and your mate charlie sheen. >> duh! winning. ♪ okay, so who ordered the cereal that can help lower cholesterol and who ordered the yummy cereal? yummy. that's yours. lower cholesterol. lower cholesterol. i'm yummy. lower cholesterol. i got that wrong didn't i? [ male announcer ] want great taste? honey nut cheerios. want whole grain oats that can help lower cholesterol? honey nut cheerios.
2:35 am
it's a win win. good? [ crunching, sipping ] be happy. be healthy. can i try yours? be happy. be healthy. another good thing about geico so like say you need to report a people wclaim, alright./7. a real person will be there to help you. then you can use to view photos of the damage, track your claim, print an estimate. you want an english muffin? they literally hand you a toasted muffin with butter and jam. (sigh) whaa. tasty. that's, that's a complete dramatization of course, but you get my point. vo: geico 15 minutes could save you 15% or more on car insurance. announcer: when life's this hard, it's no wonder 7,000 students drop out every school day.
2:36 am
visit and help kids in your community stay in school.
2:37 am
2:38 am
welcome, gods and goddesses. i, the sheen man, have a new show where i get to go around and pull the most bitchy pranks on droopy-eyed trolls. they're no gnarly, they might melt your face off. what you working on there, dude? >> i have this report due next friday. hey! all over my keyboard. >> you just got sheen'd. >> what? >> sheen'd! >> i mean, that was absolutely hilarious, but you couldn't have had much time to prepare that. it must just come to you. >> that's the fun thing about our show. we do it nightly so it's monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday,
2:39 am
friday, every night we do a show. so if something happens in the news, if we can make a joke, we'll be the first one to get it. >> hard work, because these sketches aren't easy to do, are they? >> no. it takes a lot of hair and makeup, cindy lou and courtney are amazing on the show. we didn't have a wig for charlie sheen, but i figured i really could look like him if i just move my hair down like this and just kind of like make a crazy face, you know? you know? and he just kind of -- it's the crazy eyes. not quite johnny carson but it's gruffer. duh, winning! >> is he winning? any part of what's happening with charlie winning, do you think? >> no. i don't know. i feel bad for him because i know he's funny. i know he's smart. so i don't know what's going on. if he's on drugs or pills or what's happening, i hope he gets off it. i hope that he ends up winning
2:40 am
in the end. maybe he will off this, but i -- i felt a little bit bad because it got out of control for me. i mean, the first couple of things were genius, especially as a comedian. you can make fun of it and do the "winning." then it got crazy for a while. i hope he figures it out. i think he's a great comedian. >> have you had a moment in your life, not charlie sheen-esque, but have you gotten into boozing, drugs, any other pitfalls that follow comedians, entertainers? >> drinking i think is probably the closest i've come to doing anything, but this show, i can't drink as much as i'd like to because it's 9:00 to 5:00. >> you want to start drinking on a regular basis? do a nightly show. especially a news show. >> you're screwed. but friday nights, i'm out there doing jager shots with my wife. it's -- my shirt's off. it's nasty. >> what's been the most excited you've been about a guest that's come on your show? >> bruce springsteen. >> he's your hero. >> he's just the coolest. he's the one and only, the best. >> did he confound that theory
2:41 am
that you should never meet your heroes? was he great in real life? >> i don't believe in that thing, you should never meet your heroes. it depends on who your heroes are. i met bruce springsteen, paul mccartney. they're heroes to me and they're great. springsteen, i did the emmy opening, i did "born to run," "glee"-ish version of "born to run." he heard about me. we asked him permission. he said, anything jimmy wants to do. jimmy wants to do it, yeah, let him do it. that would be great. we did it and he liked it and he had to promote "darkness on the edge of town" box set. amazing box set, by the way, if you get this. has a notebook with all his scraps and lyrics. amazing box set. so he didn't do any shows but our show. i used to do neil young. i did this impersonation of neil young on the show. i said, would you want to do maybe a duet with me as neil young singing willow smith's
2:42 am
"whip my hair"? ♪ whip my hair back and forth but it's as neil young. ♪ whip my hair back and forth he was like, i like that. that's good. that's good. his manager calls and said bruce wants to dress as young bruce. can you get him a floppy hat. he's bring his own sunglasses from the "born to run" tour. he goes, you got the floppy hat? get the floppy hat. i get the floppy hat and we do the whole thing. i said, also we have a wig for you, too. cindy lou and courtney have a wig. he goes, no, no, no wig. what are you trying to do? i don't want to wear a wig. i go, no problem. everyone leaves the room. i said, bruce, try the wig on. see what you think. he goes, all right. give me that. i'm putting the wig on bruce springsteen, the most exciting moment of my life. i put the wig on bruce. give me the floppy hat. give him the floppy hat and glasses and he looked like bruce springsteen from 1978. he walked to see his manager. he got up, you know, bruce has that bow legged, tight pants,
2:43 am
walked over to the dressing room to see his manager, john landau, amazing guy. i swear john landau had tears in his eyes because he was, like, this is what you looked like when i first started working with you. when are you going to see your client dressed 30 years younger? nobody will ever get bruce springsteen in a wig. i guarantee it. let's take a break. when we come back i want to talk to you about marriage and politics, not necessarily at the same time. hello? [ smooches ] [ male announcer ] it can open doors, it can erase boundaries and hold its ground. it can even the score and start a movement. -it can... -[ beatboxing ] [ male announcer ] it can buy time and tell time. shhh. [ baby giggles ] [ male announcer ] we use our mouths in so many ways to open up to the world. after all, life opens up when you do.
2:44 am
crest and oral-b. tell us your story at aren't getting enough whole grain. but actually, it's never been easier to get the whole grain you want from your favorite big g cereals. from cheerios to lucky charms, there's whole grain in every box. make sure to look for the white check. there's whole grain in every box. luck? i don't trade on luck. i trade on fundamentals. analysis. information. i trade on tradearchitect. this is web-based trading, re-visualized.
2:45 am
streaming, real-time quotes. earnings analysis. probability analysis: that's what opportunity looks like. it's all visual. intuitive. and it's available free, wherever the web is. this is how trade strategies are built. tradearchitect. only from td ameritrade. welcome to better trade commission free for 60 days when you open an account.
2:46 am
2:47 am
hello? jersey floor. the jersey floor is all about the lifestyle, bros, brews, tats, tans, fist pumps, dry humps. it's like freaking paradise. i feel like i'm home here. i can be myself, i can dress the way i want, dance. i get with my bros, i do shots, i tan and i drink. stds, that's what we call it. shots, tan, drink. >> what i find really -- she's a great writer. >> when i interview actors and actresses, yesterday i interviewed an actress and she couldn't look at herself on the screen. every time there's a clip of yourself, you've roared with laughter. that is encouraging. >> i don't mind if it's funny.
2:48 am
i don't even look at it like it's me. was it funny? was it good? i second-guess everything. you know?i if it's funny, yeah, i'd like to see that clip again. >> how important is the love of a good woman? your wife? >> i would be nothing without my wife. she is the coolest, she's the greatest, she's the smartest, the funniest. i love her so much. she's like the -- it's like your best friend for the rest of your life. you can call her up and, like, this happened to me, what do you think of this? she gives good advice. or you go like, want to see a movie? yeah, which one? i want to see this one. she's like, i don't want to see that one. come on! i'll do it. those types of things, i want to go to this restaurant. ah, i don't really care about restaurants. but i love restaurants. okay, let's do it. >> i think the trick is tolerance, isn't it? if you try to make the other person like you, it will never work. but if you're tolerant of each other's differences --
2:49 am
>> i'm a fan of her and i think she's a fan of me. i like that she likes things, it may not be the same with me. same with her and me. she goes, i don't know why jimmy likes it, but if he does, let's go. >> is she a good critic of your work? >> yeah. she's got very high standards, very picky, great eye. she's a producer in hollywood. she works with drew barrymore. er the flower films is her company. she just did the new "charlie's angels." >> does she live there? >> lives in new york. >> i finally thought i found a chink in the endless happiness of your life, and it was this story in "star" magazine. >> i heard about this. >> marriage split sensation. fallon disaster because he lives in new york, she lives in l.a. there was a spokesman for jimmy fallon at the end that says, there's only one slight problem here. mrs. fallon lives with mr. fallon in new york. >> i have to say though, "star" magazine is 95% of the time correct. you've got to give it up.
2:50 am
for -- no matter what, i swear those magazines they're all right. they're all correct. that one's not right. >> can you still laugh even at stuff like that? you find it funny? >> i called her -- we found out it was coming out. we i said, look, here's the deal, honey, we're in a lot of trouble. apparently we're splitting our time between -- do you have a home in l.a. that you're not telling me about? this is really upsetting to me now. she's, like, oh, my gosh. she's a fan of those magazines. my wife loves "us weekly," she loves "star." she reads all of those trashy magazines. oh, why would you read those -- those -- oh, jessica simpson is getting -- what? she's on a diet. it's like candy. you don't have to think. you just read and they're the best. they're rags, but they're the best things in the world. i love page 6, i love all of that stuff. i love gossip. >> can we expect any little fallons along the way? >> there might be some right now. mildred, get over here now! mildred, get over here. what are you doing? mildred, you look so good. what are you, 6'5"?
2:51 am
no, yeah, yeah, in the future i would love to be a dad, and have kids. >> what if you had a kid with no sense of humor? >> it is impossible. i am worried about living in an area with no sense of humor. i have to live in new york city, i have to live here, because people are so funny. >> they are naturally funny here. >> and when it is the winter, they hate the winter. and when it is summer, it is too hot. we had one good day here and i remember it. it was like four weeks ago and it was one good day. that it is. everybody back to the apartment, i can't talk about it. and then the next day, can you believe how hot it is over here? are you kidding me. can you believe how cold it is over here? are you kidding me? global warming, right? >> well, talking about global warming, we will chill it down and talk about ice cream after the break.
2:52 am
>> yes, please. [ dr. ling ] i need to check on the blood work... and see katie before she goes home. [ male announcer ] with integrated healthcare solutions from dell,
2:53 am
every file is where dr. ling needs it. now she can spend more time with patients and less time on paperwork. dell. the power to do more. that's not going to satisfy you. come on. it's time for a better snack. try this. it's yoplait greek. it has two times the protein of regular yogurt. you'll feel satisfied. [ female announcer ] yoplait greek. it is so good. oh, and there's a smile. you've been stuck in the garage, while my sneezing and my itchy eyes took refuge from the dust in here and the pollen outside. but with 24-hour zyrtec®, i get prescription strength relief from my worst allergy symptoms. it's the brand allergists recommend most. ♪ lily and i are back on the road again. where we belong. with zyrtec®, i can love the air®. we know how to tighten our purse strings. sugar salmon flakes! sorry buddy.
2:54 am
even with bath tissue. that's why i buy new charmin basic. it's very reasonably priced. and it holds up so much better than the leading competitive brand. new charmin basic has a duraflex texture... that's soft and durable. plus, it's two times stronger when wet versus the leading competitive brand. new charmin basic works for my bottom line. and my bottom. we all go. why not enjoy the go with new charmin basic?
2:55 am
today is friday, and we are so excited, we are so excited. ♪ tomorrow is saturday and
2:56 am
sunday comes afterwards ♪ ♪ i don't want the weekend to end ♪ >> that is your late night nemesis stephen colbert other than two tablecloths have arrived and it has something to do with ice cream. >> well, here is what happened, stephen colbert is my best friend for six months and i asked him to be the bff forever, and he said no, and so i offered him six months. and it ends august 3rd so right now we are best friends for six months and bff, that is him, but i have an ice cream flavor ben and jerry's and probably a lot of people consider it the best ice cream flavor ever existed and stephen colbert has something made by ben and jerry's and it is a food stuff and unoriginal and it is sweet and it is cold, and it counts as
2:57 am
ice cream. but what i want you to do is to maybe try both, and see, blindfold taste taste which one you think you enjoy the most. do you mind? >> i feel unnerved by this, but i will do it. this is already feeling deeply uncomfortable. >> okay. so i will give you this first spoon. >> you have to feed it to him. >> okay. this is weird. all right. go. just grab it. >> it is sort of, um, coffee-ish, i would say. clearly the wrong answer. >> okay. here you go. try this one. >> that is just crunchy and fairly bland. must i have one again, i would have the first one. >> are you sure about that? >> yes. >> you unoriginal tool. i'm so upset. don't feed him. take the blindfold out, and the first one was the dumb americone
2:58 am
dream of stephen colbert and the second one was ice cream with vanilla and chocolate, and the third one is potato chip and vanilla. >> and can you please, take us out with the guitar. >> when i did "whip my hair" with neil young and bruce springsteen, it goes like -- ♪ whip my hair back and forth ♪ whip my hair back and forth ♪ just whip it ♪ whip my hair back and forth -- and then you have bruce coming in ♪
2:59 am
♪ you have to whip your hair ♪ whip my hair back and forth ♪ going to whip your hair and bob dylan is different altogether with the harmonica because he plays one note and blows it out. so, this is bob dylan playing the theme show of "charles in charge" which was a television show in america. ♪ a boy in my neighborhood ♪ lives upstairs and it is understood ♪ ♪ he is there to take good care of me like he is one of the family ♪ ♪ charles in charge of our days and our nights ♪ ♪ charles in charge of our wrongs and our rights ♪