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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  May 12, 2011 10:00am-10:30am PDT

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>> that's our show. here it is, your moament of zen. >> art and literature are often the first targets of tyranny because they're the most prominent features >> stephen: tonight, there too much corporate money in politics? find out in the old spice campaign integrity zone. [laughter] then i get an unexpected honor. i didn't know there were any honors i didn't expect. and my guest eric greitens has written a book about being a navy seal. it's 320 pages but last 318 are redacted. they got bin laden's handwritten diary. apparently he thought america
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was totally stuck up. [laughter] this is "the colbert report". captioning sponsored by comedy central ["the colbert report" theme music playing] >> stephen: welcome to the report. good to have you with us. thank you, nation. [cheers and applause] thank you, folks. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen] [cheers and applause] all right. all right. folks, i -- i will put out.
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[laughter] nation, i'll tell you something i don't like. i don't like it when people claim a connection to me that doesn't really exist. you hear me lucan. you are not my real father. you found me in the forest and raised me as your own [howls] well someone is dblomming on to me again. i declared that former godfather's c.e.o. herman cain won the republican candidates debate and what do i see on twitter? herman cain tweeting "apparently i got the colbert bump last night." whoa whoa whoa, put your cain back in your pants, herman.v: [laughter] obviously i'm a fan. i may even be a wild-eyed kainiac. i did not bump you, sir. just mentioning you doesn't give it the bump. i have toç beçó careful where i point this thing because it is
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loaded and powerful. i talk about hitler, lindsay lohan and chlamydia. i was not giving them the bump. that was just sweeps week. [laughter] there's only one way to get the colbert bump. you come on my show, sir. you get the bump for real and you could end up being our nation's first second black president. [laughter] we know the real reason that cain wants to get this one, everyone in d.c. is talking about my fund-raising political action committee colbert pac founded by me. oh, they love it. founded by me so that this election the colbert nation could have a voice in the form of my voice shouted through a mega phone made of cash. [cheers and applause] when i announced colbert pac on the air my parent company viacom freaked because legally it is
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illegal. corporations cannot donate to pacs and they say using my show to talk about a pc is a donation. i did the right thing and exploited a loophole. thanks to the scowrt citizens united ruling corporations that can't give any money to a pac can give unlimited nona superpac. there's a distension between a pac and a superpac. one has the word superin its name. i took colbert pac and i made it colbert superpac. pac, superpac. clark kent, superman. bruce wayne, batman, gordita, gordita supreme. even this was not good enough for the idiots at viacom who employ me and made me a star.
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i just got this letter from viacom's lawyers. i'll read it on the air. they say, please do not read this on the air. i cannot see this coming. jimmy, let's remember to edit that out. i'll give it a skim here. do not, do not, do not, mee meow , i'll paraphrase. we are stupid lawyers who hate funds. if do you this we're scared that people might get mad at us. we paoed a little. even though we it's totally legal we're not going to let do you it sincerely john c -- i hate my parent company! they never let me do anything. [laughter] everyone else ea parent company
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let them do it. karl rove is a paid myee of fox news and he gets to talk about his superpac american crossroads all the time. >> american crossroads and other groups have announced a $50 million house surge strategy. >> there's a new poll out from american crossroads. >> full disclosure i'm involved with american crossroads. >> stephen: he can have his cake and eat it, too. imagine how much cake he eats. fox lets paid contributor dick morris do it. see if you can see him subtly soipping his superpac in thecon. i set up something called superpac i have this thing calledççó don't watch this show without a pencil and paper. >> stephen: yes, always watch
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the show with a pencil and paper, fox viewers. if you don't have pencil privileges explain to the day nurse it's for america. it's not just fox. nbc universal is fine with donald trump running his mouth off about his political ambitions on the celebrity apprentice. >> everybody is saying i should run for president. meatloaf should i run for president? >> absolutely. >> stephen: incidentally meatloaf, should i run for president is the same question chris christie asks his dinner every night. [cheers and applause] and to date the meatloaf has not been given time to answer. [laughter] i will never, never understand this! here to help me understand this is the former chairman of the federal election commission, general council for the mccain 08 campaign and my personal
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lawyer trevor potter. thank you so much, trevor. [cheers and applause] trevor, i cannot believe this letter. lawyers are such (bleep) present company accepted, of course. [laughter] do you understand what they are saying in here? what are they really say something in. >> they are nervous about what you are trying to do because it's slightly different than what other people have done before. they are nervous that vie viacom would make an illegal corporate contribution to your pac. >> they are allowed. corporations can give me money. why wouldn't they want to give me all that sweet, sweet money. >> they say that if it's counted as a contribution they would have to show it on the report. there might be an complaint or investigation about whether they showed enough and they would have top turn over internal bookkeeping and potentially reveal viacom secrets. >> luke how they keep sumner
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redstone alive? i don't understand. what do we have to disclose that would make them upset. >> they are worried about how you would value the show, the airtime, the production costs. >> there are none. i am the only one that gets paid around here. these people are interns. why is it so complicated to do this. this is page after page. all i'm trying to do is effect the 2012 elections. it's not like i'm trying to install itunes. how do the guys on the follow. get away with it? >> they are covered by the famous media scpengs. >> stephen: what is that? >> the media exemption says if you are a broadcast station and you are not owned by a candidate or party. >> stephen: i'm not. >> you are reporting the news you are exempt, you are not making a corporate contribution when you talk about candidates and politics. >> stephen: you couldn't talk about my pac but if i reported on my pac or made commentary on
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my pac or did analysis of it then it would be covered under the news exemption. >> you got it. >> stephen: so if i wore this hat the whole time, i'm free and clear. would it help if i talked about my pac in a tom brokaw voice [tom brokaw voice [the pac is effecting the 2012 election. sound good? >> sounds gow>> stephen: do i ge thing? i want the thing everybody else has? i want the shiny candy colored media skefpls. >> you can to the federal election commission and askwwihr an advisory opinion. >> stephen: how do i do that? >> your lawyers would draft. >> stephen: you are my lawyer. do that. >> you you would ask me to draft
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you a letter. >> stephen: trevor draft me a letter. >> i have done that. >> stephen: this is like one of those cooking shows where they have the cake already baked. [laughter] we got a letter asking to give me the media exemption and then i could talk about my superpac and do anything i wanted as long as i did it like news. >> right. >> stephen: we give this to them. how long does it take? up to 60 days legally. they could do it quicker. >> stephen: it's a long time. >> it is but it's a government agency. >> stephen: what happens if they say no to me. if they say no, you could go ahead with your superpac but your pac would be disclosing viacom's -- >> i would need my resume updated. what if they say yes. >> you are fine. you are bullet proof. >> stephen: really? >> yeah. >> stephen: bin laden should have applied for one of these.
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[cheers and applause] all right. let's do it. you guys want to do it? [cheers and applause] all right. i'll tell you what, you know what? you can argue for me in front of the fcd -- fec but you know who else might argue to me? mr. lincoln. that's not a bribe it's free speech. trevor potter, thank you so much for joining me. my attorney trevor potter. we'll be right back.
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[cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. nation, folks, you may have noticed that my teeth are a little bit whiter, my skin a little spray tanner and my bosom is visibly heafimy rally to resd or fear was nominated for four daytime emmys. [cheers and applause] of course, folks, of course, everybody knows the daytime emmy is the best emmy. [laughter] that's where the real artists are. because they are not doing it
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for the tkpwhreults, the -- glitz, the glamour, even the respect of the audience. they are doing it because it beats porn. i have got the most coveted demographic, 70-80-year-old retirees, kids home from school and house pets that accidentally stepped on the remote control. four nominations. that's just two nominations less than daytime emmy juggernaut transformers prime. the most honored afternoon cartoon besides studio b with shepherd smith. that has to be cgi. those eyes are lifeless. my rally and this is true is up against the macy's thanksgiving day parade. that's right i'm completing with three-story sponge bob, the green valley high school marching band and santa claus. i told jon stewart to book santa
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but he said cat stevens was close enough. even worse, i'm up against the premiere horseback riding travel show say it with me equitrekking why didn't you say it with me? [laughter] it is by far the best saddled mounted travel show. [laughter] even better than the travel channel's pack mule yachting. [laughter] anyway, obviously i'm going to go to the ceremonies, i just hope i'm not a per ren yell loser like all my children's susan lucci. that would trigger my multiple personality. ♪ i've got to win. >> don't get your hopes up, stephen. if you don't win brenda will leave you for kyle. >> stephen: brenda. >> dun dun. >> stephen: you are going to
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lose oh, and you're having my baby. baby! why don't you just give up i'm going to win. shut up kyle! i need this daytime win. every year at the primetime emmys i lose to "the daily show". >> that's a pretty good show. >> stephen: shut up, kyle! >> stephen: welcome back,
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everybody. my guest tonight is both a rhodes scholar and a navy seesm yeah, but how many daytime emmys has he been nominated for. please welcome eric greitens. [cheers and applause] boom! hey, nice to meet you. all right, even that handshake was intimidating. [laughter] sir, you are as, as i said
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rhodes scholar and a navy seal. what was the last time you were deployed. >?]i 2007.> stephen: if you han deployed into the compound to take out bin laden, could you tell me about it? >> no. >> stephen: i'm going to assume you were one of the guys. [laughter] your book is called the heart and the fifth, the education of the humanitarian, the making of a navy seal. let's talk about the title "the heart and the fist." is that how you take a man down by punch him in the heart with your fist? >> kit work effectively. >> stephen: if a terrorist came in to this room right now how many objects could you use to subdue him? >> we have the card, the book and the cup here. we use whatever we can. >> stephen: would you use me to subdue him? >> i think that's the most effective weapon. >> stephen: you were not always the warrior. >> yes. >> stephen: you started off as a humanitarian worker.
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what were you doing? >> i was working with kid who's lost limbs in left hand mine and those whoain rwandan and i did h nonprofit organizations working to help kids in some of the most desperate circumstances overseas. >> stephen: how do you go to seeing the ravages of war to being a warrior? >> there was a time when i was working in bosnia, living in a refugee camp working with kids. i remember there was a man who told me about the terrible things done to his family. horrible things done to his wife, his brothers. he said to me, i don't want you to misunderstand me. he said i appreciate the shelter here tr my family, i appreciate the food but if you really cared about us, you would be willing to protect us. i recognized then that sometimes it takes the heart and 9 fist. you have to respond to people with compassion but just like
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anything we love you have to be willing to protect people, useç your strength to a good purpose. >> stephen: here is one of the issues with the navy seals. we'll take the guys who took out bin laden. i can't know who they are. how then can i "biography" them a -- can i buy them a beer? how do i identify them at a bar? should i throw a punch at every person and the guy who -- [laughter] >> people talk about being the tip of spear. >> stephen: that is the most sensitive part of the spear. [laughter] >> yes. >> stephen: go ahead. >> i think they would also tell you that in order for them to do that work effectively there's a train of people behind them supporting them in the u.s. military, in communities around the country. if you want to thank them we should thank them. you can thank ever person who
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has served since september 11, 2001 because this was their victory as well. [cheers and applause] >> stephen: you're welcome. [laughter] you became a navy seal, were you alarmed by what you had to go through to become one? what is the hardest thing you have to do it's ledge tkpwepbd tear dairy how difficult tuesday. >> you have to swim the 50 meters under water, later they ask you to swim down 50 feet and tie a knot. one of the hardest things is drown proofing. >> stephen: that would be a handy skill. >> they tie your feet together and your hands behind your back. with your feet tied together and your hands behind your back you have to jump in the pool. >> steve: the jump is the easy part. >> yes. then you have to swim 50 meters.
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you come back in the nine foot section of the pool. the next thing they ask you to do, when they told me i loved out loud they said we're going to throw your face mask into the water, it's going to sink down to the nine foot part and you'll go down with your feet and hands tide, grab the mask with your teeth and do that five more times. >> stephen: i'm guessing not everyone makes it. >> it's considered the hardest military training in the world. in our class we started with 220 people and we graduated with 21. >> stephen: do you ever trash talk the other services? come on! special forces? >> no. >> stephen: total posers. say it. it won't come back to bite you in the ass. >> they are solid, the special forces guys.
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we work with them, marines, armú rangers, marine force recon. >> stephen: all of them but they are not navy seals. thank you so much for joining me. the book is "the heart and the fist."
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