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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  May 12, 2011 11:00pm-11:30pm PDT

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>> may 12, 2011, from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, had this is the "daily show" with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: good evening! welcome to the "daily show" my name is jon stewart. thank you for joining us tonight. we have a terrific program for you. the lovely kristen wiig will be joining us from "s.n.l.," and also-- you know, she actually is
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in a movie that's coming out this weekend. in fact, it seems almost every time these incredibly talented people stop by to say hello to me for five minutes, they coincidentally have a movie coming out that same-- i don't know how it works out that way, but it... it... ( laughter ) real quick. as you know, last night, there was a poetry reading at the white house. i believe it was the first poetry reading at the white house since bill clinton's infamous 1996 celebration "a night with the man from nantucket. " but american poets, young and old, spoke out about a wide variety of subjects from the importance of public libraries to memories of a favorite teacher to how hard it is to find a nice blazer on short notice. ( laughter ) eh( bleep ). it's tonight? does that's wallpaper come off? laugh and of course, the
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progressive rapper common, who was the subject of fox news channel's latest exercise in fits of hissy, he performed to their chagrin, spoke out about communities trying to overcome a culture of violence to obtain a more positive future. of course, that's how people would interpret his performance. for those who huff only the heady mix of partisan hackry, character assassination, and manufactured outrage, known as "foxygen"-- ( laughter ) it looked a little-- ( cheers and applause ) we high-fived when we came up with that one. ( laughter ) common's performance looked a little more like this ♪ and now black, y'all, and now, black y'all, and now ♪
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>> jon: why would they invite somebody who is going to blow up the entire building? ( laughter ) you know, you get the sense when wh fox news hosts and pundits are done with their programs they look both ways as they leave the office and run as fast as they ( bleep ) can to their car. ( laughter ) the larger problem for fox and their proteges-- and by proteges i mean republican candidates for president-- is how do you compete with a commandener chief who has captivated and quite frankly, hypnotized young people with the deft use of the language of the young-- you know free-verse poetry? one contender may have the answer. >> a sign of the times when newt gingrich officially announced today that he is running for president. he did it on twitter, this will be the first major presidential candidate ever to announce his running via a tweet. >> jon: oman. he announced on twitter. what's the matter, was tumblr down?
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was vimeo 4 channels... that is some ( laughter ) i don't understand my computer. ( laughter ) so let's see gingrich's historic tweet. today i'm announcing my candidacy for president of the united states. you can watch my announcement here h-t-t-p, colon, backslash, backslash, bit, dot, l-y, backslash, lowercase "k," bit "e," little "b," little h-7-d. ( laughter ) wait a minute, his twitter announcement is just a tloink a youtube video? where does that go, to a groupon discount on gingrich bummer stickers? actually, that's a pretty high-tech way to roll out your first campaign ad.
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i hope the youtube announcement itself measures up. >> i'm newt gingrich, and i'm announcing my candidacy for president of the united states because i believe we can return america to hope and opportunity, to full employment, to real security, to an american energy program, to a balanced budget. >> jon: back up 3 ( laughter ) so who thought it was a good idea to do your statement of the art campaign computer launch in a sears photo studio booth? ( laughter ) with a casio accompaniment. that's not music to launch a hip presidential campaign. that's the music for a mother-daughter walk on the beach in a massengil ad. still, gingrich announcing on twitter and youtube instead of on television and a newspaper it's as though newt has abandoned old media while it was sick or possibly dying to take up with newer, younger, more ( bleep ) media. ( laughter ) ( applause )
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i-- i'm a little baffled as to why he's doing it. >> to demonstrate that he is the candidate of the 21st century. >> smart move. he's trying to show even these older guys are young and hip and using facebook and twitter. >> is newt gingrich a past generation guy or can he hook up with the new generation? ( laughter ) ( applause ) sglon you know hook-up means ( bleep ), right? you know that. that's what it means? ( applause ) look, newt-- and i say this with all due respect, newt, and i hate to break this to you, but this whole twitter, youtube thing is not going to work for you because you're not cool. ( laughter ) you're uncool. let me put it th in lingo you might understand. you're what might be known to your generation as a square. ( laughter ) look at you.
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physically. you resemble a square. you physically-- look at your head. your head looks like the box a slightly smaller square head would come in. ( laughter ) which is fine, but embrace who you are. you're a smartie-pants policy wonk guy. you should announce through through a media form with a limited amount of characters like twitter. do it through a sudukeo puzzle whiches is awe know, is a large square made up of a series of smaller ones. let's face it, newt, if you were a superhero your power would be the ability to turn things beige. ( laughter ) and your theme song would be-- you would not have a theme song. you see what i'm saying? and you would have gotten your
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powers when you were bitten by a radioactive unsalted saltine. ( laughter ) this twitter thing will not make young people like you. it will just make young people think you're trying too hard like when the abc news program "20/20" decided to appeal to a younger demgraphic, so they created "20/20 downtown" which the the same ( bleep ) show. except instead of john quinones hosting inside a studio, they made him stand outside in a brown leather jacket. ( laughter ) so, newt, you can put on a turtleneck and a leather jacket, and give yourself a beiber, but no matter how clever-- no how clever your hash tags,, this is how the new generation will always see you. >> excuse me. i have allergies. ( laughter ) sglon extreme allergies!
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newt, the new generation still isn't going to want to hook up with you. they smell the pander. they respect authenticity, so get off twitter. get back to crunching numbers on electoral districts to figure out where you can scare enough told people to get sbou the oval office, or, as i'm sure it will be renamed under your tenure, the right angle room. ( applause ) we'll be right back.
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wrap it up, boys. two hours till bedtime. let's move it. ooh. [ male announcer ] movies right when you want them. watch unlimited tv episodes and movies instantly, all for only 8 bucks a month from netflix.
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( cheers and applause ) sglo you know, economic recovery is-- economic recovery is not just for major corporations that have received huge government bailouts. anyone can do it. you just have to think creatively. aasif mandvi has the story. >> reporter: just outside of the montreal in the french canadian countryside, a blue colar town is suffering. the local businessman bernard column, has a plan. >> when it is finalized and completed we will produce 200,000 pounds a year. >> also known as cruc file fiber is an extremely durable and
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fire-resistant fiber used in construction material. >> and it is safe. >> it is, safe, yes, relatively. >> you may already know this relatively safe mineral by its other name, which also happens to be the name of the town. >> asbestos mean something different in french than it does in english? because in english it means slow hacking death. >> oh, yes. >> unlike small tox, minnesota, strict nine illinois, and cholera, new jersey, asbestos quebec is standing by its name. town director george gagne. >> asbestos has been banned in the-- in the-- in some part of the world, but for here, in quebec, we're selling that you should use more asbestos. >> really? >> yes. >> but some insist on undermining this economic recovery. >> all forms of asbestos, including crysotile cause cancer
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and harmful lung effects. unquestionable, the mine should shut down. >> let me ask you a question-- is there any reason why the asbestos industry should not take you seriously? >> there's no good scientific reason. >> but there stl a reason why they should not take you seriously. >> we can't think of reason why they should not take you seriously. >> if i was them, i would take me very seriously. ( laughter ) >> bingo. can am, dude, you're a doctor. >> the town has marshaled its own empirical evidence. >> what is your proof that your form of asbestos is safe? >> you drove in the cities and you saw that. >> because sick people are always out walking in the streets. >> this is a cat scan of somebody's lung. the lung on the right side is healthy. this big white thing on the left side is a lung cancer are the
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kind that someone with asbestos gets. >> fine, i walked around the town, and i didn't see any sick people. what is more scientific than that? >> well, i would say this is more scientific than that. >> despite all the anti-asbestos propaganda, and the fact that everyone in town is for some reason only 18 inches tall, the people of asbestos refuse to back down. >> the way we fight back is by informing all the governments, and trying to use the social networks, facebook, twitter, and all the others. >> how many friends on facebook does asbestos have? >> i don't know. >> of course, using the power of social networks is more challenging when you're killing your followers. fortunately, there is one more thing that might save this town. >> india is buying 400,000 tons a year. >> so you're selling it to india.
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that's because india is one of the few countries so open minded they haven't banned the material that causes an estimated 100,000 lung cancer deathaise year. you think in india, people are following the regulations? >> yes, they use it safely in india. >> have you ever been to india? >> i've been many times. >> this cbc documentary titled "asbestos, canada's ugly secret clearly shows india workers taking every precaution. that is a real bandanna. >> as a canadian i'm embarrassed that we're sending this product that we're-- we've all learned not to use here because it's too dangerous. >> but as a canadian, don't you have a lot of things to be embarrassed about, really? >> no. >> still commum insists indians have a special predisposition to work with the material. >> they're used to pollution. >> yeah, they're used to pollution, right. so they can handle it. >> they have natural anti-bodies.
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>> no, i'm just kidding. that's really ( bleep ) stuff, man, selling them things that are going to kill them. that's my family over there. i mean what, is the french word for douche bag? anybody. what is the french word for
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( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome back, my guest tonight, very talented and funny you know her from "saturday night live," the new movie is "bridesmaids". >> we'd like to invite you to no longer live with us anymore. >> what? what do you mean? i don't get it. >> the thing is is we decided it was a bit immature for grown-up brothers and sisters to be living together with a roommate at our age. it's are, isn't it? >> yeah. >> we look a bit silly, don't we? so we're actually going to living it alone without you. >> you're moving out. she's not moving. >> she will move. >> eventually. >> eventually. >> she has to. >> she's taking it in. >> yes. >> jon: please welcome kristen wiig. ( cheers and applause )
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had had thank you for coming. thank for being here. nice tow to see you. >> thank you, thanks. i feel so rude because i'm putting my back to people. >> jon: not at all, we put people we don't care for over here. >> oh,. >> jon: i'm facing you, and you're lovely people. >> i love that you have heavy metal music playing. >> jon: ask that's not a tape. >> oh, yeah. ( laughter ) where,-- where-- where are they? there they are? >> jon: in the other room, just hanging. big budget, baby. we're making it happen. chaim excited for you. >> thank you. >> jon: you may be superstitious you may not check this. i like to go on rotten tomatoes. you are at, like, 9,000% with "bridesmaids"-- "bridesmaids" is-- like, you have the kind of rotten tomatoes high rating that like, daniel day lewis gets when
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he's playing someone who's dying. this is-- this is-- >> because he's in our movie. >> jon: what! >> playing someone who is dying. no. every comedy needs someone who's dying in it. no, there's nobody dying in it. >> jon: i think you just wrote another comedy. >> i think usual unite. i cowrite wroet this with my friend annie memolo. >> jon: you made that up. >> i swear, she's real. i swear. >> jon: and my friend-- >> she lives in a castle. >> yeah. and she can fly. and she's real. >> jon: she has a lizard on her shoulder. >> yes. >> jon: did you guys-- is this something that you-- that you had planned for a while and inc. baited or one night came up with? >> we had talked for a while about maybe writing something, and after i did "knocked up,"
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judd said-- he's a one-name guy, judd. asked me if i wanted to write something, and he's like, "you can write it with yourself. you can write it with someone. just pitch me ideas." and so, yeah. it went from there. >> jon: did he know that you were-- when you first gave it to him, did he go, "oh, this is great?" or did you think at first it was one of those things that people say like at an l.a. party like, hey, dude, you should write something?" >> i took him-- i don't know, maybe he was just saying, that but i took him seriously, and i sent him a bunch of e-mails. >> jon: and he sent them back. >> yeah-- no, he was serious. and i told him about the idea, and he was like, "great, just start writing," ask we bought, like, "how to write a screenplay" book. i'm not kidding. we really did. i 21 her house for the first day and she bought, like, ships and carrots, and we had the book and we're like, okay. page 30, we have to decide what the story-- yeah, all that
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stuff. >> jon: i've done that, and it is-- >> yeah. >> jon: i wrote a script like that, that did not-- funny story-- no-- so i gave it to-- and he didn't make it. it was-- also with annie memolo. >> that makes sense. >> jon: it's called "bar mitzvah." it was five jews, friends. >> was that a long time ago. >> jon:? >> jon: no it was one of those late ones. circumcision-- >> okay, okay. >> jon: nothing really to think about. ( laughter ) >> i feel like i want to just check in with them, and make sure they're -- >> i think she's doing very well. how do you guys think? ( cheers and applause ) >> i wish you would cut to them and it was just everyone like... ( laughter ) had. >> jon: you know what's sad sometimes, because we have audience warm-up. >> right. >> jon: so my whole life i feel
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is a faked pepperelly. like a guy does come in-- like i almost-- >> like when they clap for you when you come out. >> jon: the guy said right before i came out, "hey, clap for this man." and then i have to walk out and pretend like, what? a surprise party? like... ( laughter ) it's not right. >> you guys were good, though. they're good. >> jon: no, they're very nice. you know what i was thinking of doing? >> what. >> jon: getting someone to warm up my family at home when i come home. ( laughter ) when i come home, they really couldn't care less. >> what you need to do is have someone make them tired so when you get there, they're like, "we're going to bed. we don't want to hang out." >> jon: we're done. are you ready for this weekend sni feel-- this is-- it's so good, and i wish you so much success and good luck. >> thank you. >> jon: you're soy funny. >> thanks. >> jon: and just so good on "s.n.l.," and everything i've seen nuand i hope this thing goes crazy gangbusters for you. and i think it. >> thank you, appreciate it. >> jon: "bridesmaids," in theaters on friday. kristen wiig.
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