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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  May 20, 2011 7:00pm-7:30pm PDT

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♪ oh, why must i feel this way? ♪ ♪ hey, must be the money! ♪ ♪ uh-huh ♪ hey, must be the money! ♪ >> may 19th, 2011. from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome to the daily show, my name is jon stewart. my name is jon stewart. got a great show. lisa p jackson head of the environmental protection agency will be joining us. secretary jackson if are you nasty. so-- no, that's-- now that we've come off the thor
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locovian high that was our balls out seal team 6 o in-- osama bin laden assault and evilect omee, some troubling questions linger about our relationship with the country that we were so close we couldn't tell them we were about to invade them. >> how could bin laden hideout for so long right under their noses. >> jon: duplicity-- duplicity or incompetence, which is more embarrassing that osama bin laden was hiding if plain sight in pakistan or that the americans entered without telling the pakistani government? >> jon: wow, that's a rough two options. (laughter) >> jon: pakistan what dow hate moring having a tinny penis or being too fat to see it. boom, boom. how you doing. boom. what's happening, boom, no disrespect. you know what, pakistan was in a tricky spot as well. perhaps now upon reflection, time to let bygones be bygones. >> pakistan hasn't given back a secret u.s. helicopter lost on the raid
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in bin laden's home. >> there is unique technology that exists on the helicopter that the u.s. didn't want to get into the wrong hands. >> jon: oh, yes, don't have that secret technology in the wrong hands, aka pakistan. not that they don't deserve our trust. they took great care of our very sensitive helicopter, hiding it behind what appears to be-- (laughter) >> jon: i swear that's a real picture, they're hiding it behind a room divider from westell am. i mean-- is the best way to camouflage secret military technology the same as the way you pretend your first apartment has a wall in it? what? no, my bathroom's not in my kitchen this is a one bedroom. magic. you know for the past ten years pakistan's taken like $20 billion of our money, ostensibly to help us all while continuing to bolster their nuclear program, continuing to provide some level of support to the taliban and letting our number one enemy osama bin
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laden crash in their guest house like some sort of turbanned cato camesch-- kato kaelin and now holding on to our helicopter tail. everyone knows that is the best part of the helicopter. it's where the meat is. send now, send in seal time one. >> senator john kerry is preparing to travel to pakistan. >> jon: not seal team yawn. seal team one! let's not send yackmaster general over there that's not going to do anything. >> they've agreed now to return the tail section of that american stealth chopper that crashed during the osama bin laden raid. >> jon: wow. i simply told them in no uncertain terms that given my proclivity for these types of negotiations that i would heretofore pledge my-- . >> jon: just-- the helicopter, get out. just get out. take the [bleep] helicopter!
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now obviously-- (laughter) >> jon: those are the only two voices i can do. (laughter) >> jon: thank god they worked in that story. obviously repairing our relationship with pakistan will take more than a failed presidential candidate. that's why we're joined by our resident expert john hodgman. john, thank you so much for joining us. (cheers and applause) >> jon: how do we fix-- (applause) >> jon: how do we fix this relationship? >> well, jon, a good start would be admitting that bin laden isn't dead. (laughter) >> jon: i'm sorry, i thought you just said a good start would be admitting bin laden is not dead. >> open your eyes, jon, an then focus them. not on the mustache, higher, thank you. >> jon: my eyes are open. even conspiracy they arists haven't made any headway on the bin laden stale life train. >> jon, jon, jon, we need him to still be alive. if bin laden is dead our adventures in pakistan and iraq and these other
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countries could all be drawing to a close. >> jon: right, which is wonderful. >> no, but the war spending is the only sector of our economies that's booming. 4r56 laugh (laughter) >> dow want to risk popping the terror bubble? (laughter) it's our last bubble. (laughter) >> jon: john, i'm also protect our bubble economies but osama bin laden is dead and nothing can kang that. >> jon, jon, jon v a little faith in america. we can go anything we put our minds to. we're the country that put a man on the moon. and we're also the country that created the rumor that we did not put a man on the money. (laughter) >> jon: you're saying, john, to save our economy, we need to create some sort of new conspiracy theory about osama bin laden from scratch. >> yes, that's what we do best. >> jon: how would you even get a bin laden conspiracy theory going now. >> right, well jon, the key is to make people feel like texas. you can't be too obvious. for example showing bin laden that tuesday's
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met-marlin game isn't going to work. (laughter) >> jon: obviously that's fake. >> even i know there is no way city field would be almost half full. you have to be-- you have to be more subtle. now we've all seen this video of bin laden watching television in this compound. now freeze there, and enhance. see, jon. that's countries hemsworth, the star of thor, bin laden watching an episode of entertainment tonight covering a movie that came out 11 days after he was supposedly killed. (laughter) >> jon: that proves nothing. they can be covering any red carpet event with chris chems worth. >> jon, computer, pull back on that image, please. it seems to me-- he was here at the party celebrating the
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one week anniversary celebrating the release of thor. >> jon: if osama is still alive you still have to answer too many questions. why would obama want us to think he is dead. >> perfect. because it is not a conspiracy theory until it involves obama. (laughter) >> jon: so why? >> well, because bin laden and obama were school chums together in indonesia. (laughter) not pictured in that photo, their madrassa classmate bill ayers in common. >> jon: first of all that picture, two quick things. those kids don't look anything like (obama and osama bin laden number one. and jin baden is like five years older than obama, those were the same age. >> is he, five years older. >> jon: yes, we actually have obama's birth certificate so we know. >> correction, jon, i have it.
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and this american long form certificate of live birth that proves nothing. all this document tells sus that on august 4th, 1961 obama emerged from a woman's vagina. it says nothing about his age at the time. (laughter) >> jon: you're saying brahm bam and osama bin laden could be the same age because obama was smuggled as a five-year-old into this country in a woman's vagina? >> i have heard people saying that, jon. i-- (laughter) >> i just heard you say it, actually. >> jon: you know, how would that you be, so when obama was five years old he was the size of a newborn baby. >> jon, wake up, how else could he fit into a woman's vagina. >> jon: we don't have time for this, thank you.
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>> jon: welcome back to the show! so dominique strauss-kahn former head of the international monetary fund was arrested this week after agenciedly sexually assaulting a hotel made has posted bail of $1 million in cash. how does the head of the
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international monetary fund get that kind-- well, there goes nigeria's mosquito net money. all right. obviously one is presumed innocent-- (laughter) >> jon: until proven guilty. one would like to reserve judgement, let the courts do their work. of course that has not prevented strauss-kahn supporters from making the case for his innocence. for instance french philosopher bernard henri levy, look it up, people, that's how it is pronounced,-- (laughter) >> jon: he has written in an essay, quote, i do not know what actually happened saturday. but it would be nice to know how a chamber made could have walked in alone, contrary to the habitual practice of most of new york's hotels of sending a cleaning brigade of two people into the room. that's your gotcha?
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everyone knows mades come in pairs? (laughter) >> jon: and by the way, only the french would refer to two mades as a brigade. (laughter) (cheers and applause) >> jon: and that's jus just-- interesting, little known fact. in world war ii germany's original conquering force through paris was actually just a cleaning crew. (laughter) >> jon: across the rhine and into paris, nothing more than a push broom and decorative soaps. look, all right, three named french guys a have to stick together. but strauss-kahn has a second defender with equally airtight reasoning. >> former nixon speechwriter ben stein is making excuses for the guy. >> jon: ben stein? from win ben stein's money? ferris bueller? the commercials for beach ball moisturizer? >> stein writes prosecutors
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say that mr. strauss-kahn forced the complainant to have oral and other sex with him. how did he have a gun? did he have a knife? he's a short, fat, old man. >> jon: yes k he's not merely in the kind of raping shape he used to be in. i mean 15 years ago this guy was a raping machine. that is a terrible defense. (laughter) >> jon: got something worse? >> and can anyone tell me any economists who have been convicted of violent sex crimes? (laughter) >> jon: anyone, anyone? anyone? bumer-- buhler? buhler?
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so not being able to identify any economists who have sexually assaulted people is evidence of strauss-kahn's evidence. of course that would mean on the flip side a laundry list of economists who committed sect all crimes would be ipso facto evidence of his gill. if it pleases the court, richard nywanga economics professor in straussberg university convicted of section assault, robert vander hoe, economics professor at rockford college pled guilty of sexual abuse last december and robert mabush, a french economist who worked at the world bank convicted in 1997 of sexually assaulting, wait for it, a housekeeper. (laughter) >> jon: well a cording to my data, economists are the rapiest profession going. it turns dourbt -- (applause) >> jon: the invisible hand of the market is very
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[bleep] touchy-feely. so i really hope-- it is a redistribution of rape. i hope you have something beyond come on, economists don't do that. besides, you've barely even degraded the victim yet. >> he goes on to write i've had hotel mades that were complete lunatics. >> jon: and there you go. a little bit of advice. the next time you stay in a hotel, i urge you, sir, if you get turn down service, do not eat that chocolate they leave for you on the pillow. we'll be right back.
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>> jon: my guest tonight, she is the administrator of the environmental protection agency, welcome back to the program lisa p jackson. welcome to you again. how are you? >> i'm well, thank you very much. >> jon: very nice to see you. i got you some water. i want you to relax. the epa, you guys are in a real dogfight now that the new congress has taken over. for some reason they feel that the epa is the example that they would like to set for government overreach, if
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you will. >> yup, i certainly heard that. we hear things like defund the epa, the scariest agency in government. we wonder where some of that is coming from. but it's definitely an inside the beltway mind of reasoning. >> jon: i can tell are you where it is coming from, actually. i actually see them on c pac, it is called the republican party. what is your response, you know, government regulation is, i don't think anybody would argue that it isn't at times bureaucratic, burdensome, those kinds of things. but the epa has, for a government agency, a relatively good track record, clean air act, clean water act. those seem to be unassailable successes. are there people that argue that those aren't good programs? >> i think there are. i think that happens from time to time. when you think about epa, founded in 1970 under a republican president. acts that came along with t the clean air act you mentioned, the clean water act, safe drinking water act, superfund, all almost entirely bipartisan acts,
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oftentimes unanimous. every once in a while and i think it's because we are doing our job under this president, we have to remind the american people that environmentalism isn't a spectator sport. you actually have to stand up and demand that we be vigilant in protecting our air and water. >> jon: the argument always seems to be-- (cheers and applause) >> jon: that people enjoy air and water. the argument seems to be that the epa cannot do that without killing business or killing jobs. that to keep, let's say dioxin from killing us, we must kill the factory. is there a happy medium? can we not die but also they live? >> we can-- (laughter) >> we can have a strong economy and a strong and healthy environment. we can have clean air and clean water. and in fact, as evidence of that. there is evidence in the last 40 years that the air is 60% cleaner while our gdp was up 207% over that period. >> jon: is this scientific evidence because i
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don't-- i-- i find that those types of facts are very unpersuasive. (laughter) >> what would persuade you. >> jon: a feeling. (laughter) a feeling that it wasn't right or working. >> well-- . >> jon: to the point, so you're trying to regulate mercury. and they say this could prevent thousands of deaths. >> uh-huh. >> jon: and what is the argument against that? >> well, i've heard arguments that we're going to kill jobs. and when we talk about mercury, when we talk about the mercury in air, toxic standards that we announced two months ago. first off, 21 years in the making. these are standards that were called for in 1990. >> jon: right. >> the bush administration did some, they were thrown out by the court because they were trading mercury and no one wanted to be on the losing end of that trade, right. mercury is a neurotoxin, it destroys our children's brains, oftentimes before they're born. these standards are estimated to prevent 17,000
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premature deaths each year, prevent 11,000 heart attacks each year, and half of the power plants in our country already have controls for mercury and arsenic and the dioxins in particular matter that you get to control along with it. the only thing we hear is it can't be done. and everything we know and every model that we run shows that it absolutely can be done. and that it would actually create jobs. someone has to build all those scrubbers and filters that deal with mercury. >> jon: so you got that one through. but there's another one, mercury and dioxin that you had to pull, what is that one? >> so the mercury for the utility and power plants has been proposed. it's not through yet but we intend to finalize it. we also proposed a mercury and air toxic standard for boilers. these are everything from schools to factories use coal and burn it to make power. those standards are a little more complicated because are you covering a secretary their is much larger, it is
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not just power plants, it's everything. so we just recently were requested, we petitioned to reconsider the rule. we agreed to do that and to stay it for a very limited period of time. we'll be announcing a schedule soon but we are committed to the rule. i know people are worried. we will finalize that rule because it's important. >> jon: what is the political pressure like in washington to not have these rules. because it seems like this is, there is an epic battle occurring beneath the surface, one of a tremendous amount of corporate money, preventing these types of rules from going into effect. what the is the type of pressure that you face. lobbyists, phone callses, at night you get, let's say, a tuna head in your bed because -- >> full of mercury. >> jon: that's what i'm talking about. what is the issues that you face. >> well, you know, first i was told i would have a parking place on capitol hill. and i have testified more times in this congress than any other cabinet member. including people like
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kathleen sebelius who is in charge of health care for this country or janet napolitano who does homeland security. so there is a lot of-- around it. some of these hearings have pretty intimidating names. i don't mind going up there because i think it's important to explain to the american people, this shouldn't be happening under the surface. you should know that your congress put more riders on the epa than any other agency. >> jon: how do you not-- the ability of, you know, we'r we're-- you can stay for two minutes. >> yes, i can. >> jon: we're going to throw to commercial and we'll keep you for five minutes because i know obviously i saw on the back you have a huge tub of mercury that you have been distributing. lisa p jackson, environmental protection agency, we'll be right back.
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>> that is our show. here it is, your moment of zen. >> the u.s. and pakistan has a very bad marriage but it's one we have to stay if because of the children. >> it's much like you don't want, you know, your little kids to have a tantrum so you keep giving her a lollipop. >> this is like a shoe captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh