tv The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Comedy Central May 24, 2011 1:00pm-1:30pm PDT
here comes alcohol man. boop! "i don't know who told him he could do that." hey, y'all have a good night. i'm tony rock. thanks for coming out, y'all. be cool. thank you. [ cheers and applause ] -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com >> may 11, 2011. from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show with jon stewart." captioning sponsored by comedy central [theme song playing] [applause] >> jon: welcome to the show. hey, everybody, welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart. we have put together a program for you tonight that will defy all other programs. tonight's guest, the great, the
great albert brooks. [cheers and applause] hey, remember like a week ago, the president released his birth certificate and celebrated his newfound citizenship by having someone shoot osama bin laden in the face? [laughter] it felt like the events were connected, like maybe we'd finally put all these ginned up and ridiculously overblown non-controversies, like the birther thing, to rest. we were going to focus on things that matter, winning the war on terror, the budget, fiscal things, getting things done. well, i hope you enjoyed that period of time. >> first lady michelle obama is hosting a poetry reading, and one of her guests is raising a lot of eyebrows tonight. he's a chicago poet and a rapper who goes by the stage name "common." >> he's a reverend wright defender. it sounds like he's a promotor of cop-killing. i've looked at some of his lyrics. they are raunchy.
they are rough. they are raw. >> yeah, let's invite a misogynist to the white house. [laughter] >> jon: are we really doing this again, for this guy, common, the guy from the queen latifah rom com? the guy from the gap ads? elmo's friend? that's the guy? that's the guy we're going to do this for? that's your misogynist copicidal black supremacist? hey, fox news, have you told the people who work on foxnews.com yet? >> i am here with common. how you doing? >> what's going on? how you doing? >> you're known as the conscious rapper? how important is that to you and how important do you think that is to our kids? >> jon: well, i guess that explains fox news.com's slogan, shhh, fox news doesn't realize we're here.
[laughter] i mean, for god's sake, this two-time, grammy-winning, vegetarian's invite to the white house has the twitterverse very upset, and by twitterverse, i don't mean people on twitter. i mean twits, who took the time to ignore common's entire body of work, save for one poem he wrote in 2007 that they appear to misunderstand. >> burn a bush because for peace he no push no buttons. >> no weapons of mass destruction, how can we follow a leader when this is a correct one. >> my uzi weighs a ton. >> he's talking about popin' guns and i got the black strap to make the cops run. they watching me, i watching them. >> whoa, whoa, whoa, when we roll together with a strapped gun, we're going to be rocking them to sleep. that sounds like killing cops to me. >> whoa, whoa. >> that sounds like killing cops to me. sound like killing cops to you?
>> jon: no. well, if you enjoyed, that you'll love this album of fox news personalities ruining songs from many of your other favorite hip-hop artists. now that's what those people call music. [applause] now, those more expolice celt lyrics, the more explicit lyrics describing violent action that hannity was quoting, those lyrics actually end on the couplet, "no time for that cause there's things to be done. stay true to what i do so the youth dream come." basically common says, you know that violence i was talking about earlier in my poem, let's end that in our communities so our dreams can come true. it's a call for peace. but hannity makes a good point. it sounds like killing cops to him. [laughter] and if fox newsstands for anything, it is a zero-tolerance policy for any individual who might have or actually did write a song about cop killing. >> and happy birthday to rapper
and actor ice-t. he is 52. [cheers and applause] >> jon: well, to be fair, that's different because ice-t was not celebrating his birthday with obama. what about the phrase in common's poem, "killing over oil burn a bush, because for peace he no push no button." it appears to be a metaphorical call of violence against the president, and while it isn't, you can say it was. [laughter] it would be like saying to the critics of the president, don't retreat, reload, you know, or drawing targets over your political opponents. surely fox wouldn't defend that type of incendiary language. >> we've heard sarah palin say that her supporters shouldn't relax or retreat, they should reload. >> which is a very alaska-type term. >> political rhetoric often use
military term, holding your fire, search and destroy, that kind of thing. >> it's very sinister to me because i think there is an effort here to silence opposition voices. >> anything to shut her down, shut me up, shut talk radio down, shut fox news off. then everything will be sunshine and lollipops. >> jon: oh, right. oh, right, like the obama administration would allow us to have sunshine and lollipops. ha, ha, more like spf50 and broccoli. [laughter] but you know what, maybe i should re-examine some of these lyrics. maybe i'm being unfair by showing fox news personalities holding a musician to a much higher standard of language and behavior than a presidential candidate. anybody who wrote a song with the lyric, "first time i shotter, shotter in the side, hard to watch her suffer, but with the second shot she died" or, "early one morning while making my rounds, i took a shot of cocaine and i shot my woman down." that is some hard-core
[bleeped]. i hope a killer like that is never allowed anywhere near a president of these united states. >> johnny cash, the man in blake. major, please read the citation. >> johnny cash, for his contribution to the music and entertainment industry. [cheers and applause] >> jon: i heard you shot a man in reno just to watch him die. [laughter] [mimicking george bush laughing] seriously, hannity, what's the difference? what's the difference? would you be this concerned about a musician who used the same type of rhetoric or violence about president obama. >> if this was somebody who used the same type of rhetoric about violence against president obama, i would be against it. >> jon: oh, if only we had the tape. [laughter] i mean, that would really make you look bad.
[laughter] too bad we spent all day having so much fun listening to johnny cash album, so we didn't have chance to find a tape that would be the absolute clearest -- i'm kidding. we have it. >> you punk. obama, he's a piece of [bleeped]. [inaudible] >> that was friend and frequent guess of the program ted nugent expressing his feelings towards democratic presidential contenders barack obama and. >> are you prepared to disavow this low life? >> new york i like ted nugent. he's a friend of mine. >> jon: this isn't even fun anymore. [laughter] i barely even get angry about this. i just feel sorry for you guys now. it took longer to play that clip
than it took to find it. we've actually started burying these tapes around the office just to make it sporting. [laughter] it's almost impossible to express how ridiculous this and you all are at this point. it's beyond a caricature of your own cartoon. i think the only way to get it across would be through a more artful medium, a more expressive form, perhaps a musical iteration of the spoken word. give me a beat, yo! ♪ drop some beats, yo [laughter] yeah, yeah ♪ this goes out to fox news and all the pundits i address on tonight's show ♪ yo, fox you create shocks with now awe ♪ you dress like eagles but squawk like chicken hawks
♪ you're pigeons on a statue leaving little lies behind you. ♪ going after obama week after killing osama ♪ let me put in a pause comma ♪ because i need a minute to think of what would say next ♪ that would rhyme [laughter] you push [bleeped] ♪ the kind you find fall from a schnauzer's behind ♪ have you lost your damn mind you got lazy ♪ it's crazy even glenn beck's leaving ♪ because he thinks you're forgazy ♪ you still got gretchen hannity, hannity, yo ♪ straight up insanity hey, homes, let me take a moment to power one out ♪ for alan [bleeped] combs [cheers and applause]
♪ o'reilly, oh, really i know that you feel me ♪ because i joke to the folks while you choke on their smoke ♪ are you choking mistrust ♪ miss greta van sus-turnen just ran on her show ♪ a night ago cause megyn kelly said so ♪ you know i'm about to go so i'm telling your as >> jon: welcome back to the
program. i will never rap publicly again. welcome back to the program. osama bin laden is still dead, which creates an important question: who will be america's next toppenmy? with more on the search for next bin laden, we turn to lewis black and "back in black." [cheers and applause] >> exciting times for al qaeda. for the first time in decades, there's an opening at the top,
and they shouldn't have any problem filling it. it's got a good starting salary, great benefits, plus you get cable. so let's take a look at the applicants. wow me, people. well, the obvious choice is osama's second in command. >> ayman al-zawahiri considered by almost everyone who knew him, terrorism experts, to be dangerous and capable. >> dangerous and capable? i got the same performance review when i worked at foot locker. [laughter] you phase one eight-year-old. well, i'm satisfied. he sounds perfect. any down side? >> zawahiri, he doesn't have it. he's a classic number. two he's not a number one. >> i don't know. the last number one sure seemed like a number two to me. [laughter] i'm talking about poop.
>> jon: yes. i know, lou. >> who else sent in a red -- resume? >> an war alawarki. he speaks english fluent obviously. he speaks in a language that young people can understand. >> he's down with the kids. he even has his own app. it's called "really angry birds." death to america and pigs. this guy sounds pretty great, but sitting backwards on his prayer mat and rapping with the kids isn't enough. what's the catch? >> he's in yemen. he's not in afghanistan and pakistan with the other al qaeda leaders. the last thing they need is to try to do this across seas, across ocean, across country
country lines. >> and he's not moving to pakistan. have you seen what $1 million gets you in abbottabad? not to mention what you have to pay the government to pretend you're not there. now maybe we should look at a few resumes. here's an interesting candidate. >> mastermind of a serious plot last year to target europe. >> i like him, but no one would believe he's a terrorist. because he looks like he's disguised as a terrorist. [laughter] well, let's wrap this up. i've got time for one more. >> once a battlefield commander in afghanistan who rose to prominence for escaping from bagram air base. >> is al qaeda really ready for a black leader. i know obama was a big hit, but republicans tried to jump on that bandwagon, too, and look how that worked out.
laughter i don't know, though, no one really stood out. but if al qaeda is just looking for a guy full of hate, to yell into a camera every few months, they can do worse. jon? >> jon: thank you very much, lewis. so generous of you. lewis black. [ shapiro ] at legalzoom, you can take care of virtually all your important legal matters in just minutes. now it's quicker and easier for you to start your business...
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[cheers and applause] >> thank you very much. respect. respect. >> jon: thank you very much. >> very nice to see you. >>i want to give you a complime. >> jon: please. is this about the food in the green room because we try very hard? >> no. the last week and a half of all the shows, your bin laden stuff has been the best. >> jon: thank you very much. [cheers and applause] >> and you also did this thing last week, you had the animated royal wedding. >> jon: yes. i got the taiwanese animators to do a project for us. they came in and the greatest phone calls in the world were passed back and forth. can i get hitler with strapon? okay, thank you. >> well, actually, they have that in the catalog. stock foodage. i want to talk about this wedding for a moment because i think i need to see a sigh die trisms i can't stop thinking
about this kate middleton. >> jon: really? >> seriously. i dream about her, i think about her. i want to be her first jew. [cheers and applause] and i'm sure only jew. i want to wake up with this woman, and what is all this hair? maybe i fell a sleep with a mop. i can't stop thinking about her. >> jon: is this the first time? what is it about her? is it the youthfulness of her? >> no. >> jon: i have not spent much time thinking about this, but... you definitely need to see a psychaiatrist. >> the whole world, i don't know, we need a king. i want to bow down to somebody, what can i tell you. anyway, go on. >> jon: this is why... what you have done... remember defending your life painted such a great picture of heaven and hell and the afterlife, you have
now in novel form done sort of a george orwell, kurt vonnegut,ed a lewis huxley, this is the world in 2030. >> i tried to write what i really thought could happen, because most future stuff, nothing comes true. you know, i mean, when i was a kid, i read about the flying cars. >> jon: sure. >> come on, jon. you ever see jews drive in miami? you think they're going to be flying in the air? beep, beep, what is that? it's just shut up. >> jon: is that the most fun part of doing this? what i love about the book is every little thing that you see sort of as an eccentricity in modern society today you extrapolate and you create these great... the main conflict of this is the old versus sort of the younger generation. >> yes, i feel and i can see it
in my own children that in a number of years these younger people are going to try to kill us. [laughter] >> you know, it's... >> jon: when you see that in your own children... >> it's something i sense. i made that movie "real life," and i was right about reality television, don't screw with me. >> jon: if you ever get to see "real life," this t greatest. it's like nostradamus but so funny. i love you. can i just tell you, i love your movies. their just so damn good. [applause] i can see... >> yes, i wrote this as a novel because i'm only give an small budget. i can't write... no, seriously. you know, my screen writing is like... i've learned how to write to a few million dollars. you write, it was a dark and stormy night and then you cross out that and you write, it was a
clear night and then you realize... >> we can't afford rain. >> then you realize night's too expensive. then you write, "he woke up in a room with the blinds closed." but here i have a pilotless jet quietly landing at reagan international airport. i wrote that and i looked behind like someone was going to arrest me. you got to go to writer's jail. you can't write that. that was why i wanted to write a novel. >> jon: as someone who is accustomed to to feedback for movie audiences, live audiences, did this drive you crazy? >> no, this is glorious. the thing i like least is test audiences. >> jon: the feedback is the worst. >> some people do well with cards. i imagine steven spielberg, god gave him cards when he was born. but i'm telling you, modern romance, you know, they pick up the cards, right, why is all that hair on his back?
so this was a wonderful experience to be able to write for a year and a half and alone without any studio. >> well, i'm going to do that. if you have a couple minutes and you're very gracious, i'm sorry, we're going to throw the rest of... i just want to ask you some questions of comedy and things like that if that's okay. the book is "2030" albert brooks, you got to go pick this up. it's albert brooks, everybody.
negotiator: you must be the new kid. naomi pryce: i am. i'm in the name your own price division. i find empty hotel rooms and help people save - >> - up to 60% off. i am familiar. your name? > naomi pryce. >> what other "negotiating" skills do you have? > i'm a fifth-degree black belt. >> as am i. > i'm fluent in 37 languages. >> (indistinct clicking) > and i'm a master of disguise >> as am i. > as am i. >> as am i. > as am i. >> well played naomi pryce.