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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  May 25, 2011 2:00am-2:30am PDT

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>> okay. guys, i clean a mean bathroom. i learned from one of my friends, charlie. you'll get to know him, too, maybe; i'll bring him in... >> i'm sure you are. >> okay. thank you. >> go ahead. >> thank you. >> you going to really let him be part of our crew? >> hey, summer squash for brains. i'm going to make him our bitch till friday. >> oh, bitch boy. >> bitch boy. >> and after that? >> i'm going to whack him off irregardless. (chuckling) (laughing) captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org (2 >> may 9, 2011. from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central
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>> jon: welcome to the daily show. my name is jon stewart. what a show for you tonight. actress karen knightly will be joining us tonight. but first let's move on to what the latest developments are in the death of osama bin biden. what? is there any one of our leaders names that can not be confused with osama bin laden? anyway, i've shooting bin laden in the head and throwing him in the ocean... do you want me to soft sell this to you? no. there's really only one last bit unfinished business to go through all of this (beep). as it turns out bin laden was a rare combination. not only was he evil, he was lame. >> a new picture of osama bin laden is emerging tonight.
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>> a haggard osama bin laden watching himself on tv. >> sitting on the floor covering by a blanket, remote control in hand. >> jon: just sitting there all alone, gray, rocking back and forth. watching tv. wrapped in a blanket. cause he's cold but too damned cheap to turn the heat on. this guy, this guy, this guy... wait a minute. can i see that shot of me watching this footage over the weekend? son of a bitch. no! no. ( applause ) you know, osama, we weren't so different, you and i. except of course for you being the world's most evil man and my unrekited love for the bugles. but home video of bin laden in his jihad snuggie wasn't the
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most embarrassing thing we found. >> and they found a syrup which according to folklore in that part of the world at least can be used for virility enhancement. >> jon: yes, yes. we're not so different, you and i. ( cheers and applause ) big deal. so an old guy with six wives needed to use a little dong syrup. what else did we find? >> look at the difference. the candid shots, the gray beard. the propaganda tape. the beard has been dyed black. >> jon: he dyes his beard? you know, now i feel bad for the courier who had to do osama's shopping at the abbottabad cvs. "i need you to go to the store and get me some, what you call, juice and three boxes of the
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just for mad men. i want to look my best while doing my work." ( cheers and applause ) "i am bin laden! ." of course in all the hubbub over the killing of bin laden we can't select the race to select the next american. that's the subject of tonight's indecision 2012. good luck, my (beep) edition. last week fox hosted the first republican presidential debate. and the open struck just the right tone. >> the defining issues facing our nation. from taking down the most wanted man in the world to our exploding debt. >> is it immoral to rob our children and grandchildren's futures. >> jobs. and spiking gas prices. now the candidates on what they would do if they were in the white house. >> jon: and now please welcome
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the candidates for president of the post apocalyptic hell scape. the first question, how would you as president when our desperate citizens begin eating human flesh, what would you do? fox, we report. you run and hide. this showdown has the most notable for who wasn't there. names like mitt romney sarah palin, newt gingrich, michelle bachmann, mitch daniels, donald trump. you know what? we're going to throw the rest of the names up on the webb. as a result, america got to meet some of the lesser known republican candidates. >> congressman ron paul of texas, herman cane, former chairman and ceo of god matter's pizza. tim pawlenty of minnesota. rick santorum. >> jon: you might have to google some of those candidates. although i guess for the last guy i prefer you didn't do
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that. by the way, if you didn't get that joke, go google samtorum right now. i'll wait. yeah. (beep) believe that? santorum might as well change his last name to lemon party. go ahead. google that. i'll wait. all right. let's move on. perhaps the most well known candidate was 12th term texas congressman ron paul the only participant currently holding office. >> we do not need secret prisons nor do we need the torture that goes on in the secret military prisons. maybe we can take care of some people back here at home if we weren't spending $1.5 trillion a year on our mill tarism. >> jon: what are you doing? this is a weak republican field. all you have to do is compromise your libertarian principles a little bit, feed these people christian conservative red meat like the
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three most important people in the world are reagan, jesus and reagan again. gays can get marriage licenses when they pry them from my cold dead hands. (beep) come on. give it to them. >> congressman paul, you say the federal government should stay out of people's personal habits. marijuana, cocaine, even heroin should be legal if states want to permit it. you feel the same about prostitution and gay marriage. >> jon: here's your chance. www-jmd, what would john mccain do. the nomination can be yours. just take the principles that make you respected and distance yourself from them. >> what you're infering is you know what? if we legalize heroin tomorrow everybody will use it. how many people here would use it if it was legal? i bet nobody would. oh, yeah, i need the government to take care of me. i don't want to use hair win so i need these laws. >> jon: no! the correct answer is prayer
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in schools. what are you doing? you keep this up and you'll never end up a shell of your former self. hello, old friend. i know you'll be watching tonight. yeah, that's right. yeah, you're a real maverick. will no tragically ambitious politician speed walk away from the mildly centrist positions they once held perhaps someone for whom this craven reversal principle net a short-lived appearance at best? >> yes, you. >> two years ago you would not endorse water boarding of high- value detainees. >> i support enhanced interrogation techniques under limited circumstances. >> you don't oppose government funding for research on existing stem cell lines already derived from embryos. >> as to embryonic stem cell
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research i don't think we should pursue that? ? >> in 2008 you said i support a reasonal cap-and-trade system at the federal level. >> i've made a mistake and i've opposed that cap-and-trade miss mistake since. >> jon: well played mccain jr. let's see if your dive into abyss have paid dividends. >> how many of you think he won the debate? well, we can stop right there. >> jon: what? herman kaine, the pizza guy? the pizza guy whose pizza chain is named after the head of the mafia, that guy? either he's an effortless talking point machine or the deliciousness of his pizza has clouded voters' minds. >> one of the biggest problems we have this country right now today is too much government intervention. we need to get government out of the way. if you look at this current administration it is the worst in current history. i strongly support total replacing the current code with the fair tax. government doesn't create
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jobs. businesses create jobs. >> jon: yeah, i knew it wasn't the pizza. there you have it. republicans have surveyed the field and believe their best chance to win is a charismatic black guy with a funny name. i mean, herman. yeah, americans will vote for a black guy named herman. we'll be right back. : could switching to geico really save you 15% or more on car insurance? host: would foghorn leghorn make a really bad book narrator? foghorn (stammering): it was the best of times, it was the wor - i say worst of times. and by worst i'm talkin' as bad, i say, as bad as my aunt ginny's corn puddin'. that stuff'll sink you like a stone. engineer: ok that was a little... foghorn: you gettin' all this in there son? i just added that last part it's called "adlibbin..."anyway...it was, i say it was...
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vo: geico. 15 minutes could save you 15% or more on car insurance.
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what could possibly hold together all the natural energy found in peanuts? caramel works. payday.
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crunchy roasted peanuts and soft chewy caramel come together to give you sweet energy. payday. the sweet taste of energy. >> jon: welcome back. our cities are dying. sadly even if we do legalize heroin many of them simply can't be saved. jason jones filed this heart- breaking report on a once great american city rendered unununwrecks on niceable. sfroo san francisco has schools that are facing $100 million in cutbacks and now there's this. >> san francisco didn't even make it into the top ten on a new survey of the gayest cities in america. >> yes, san francisco, the city that flew the nation's first rainbow flag and is the birth place of the rusty trombone, has fallen behind orlando, pittsburgh and even
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st. louis. their city symbol is a giant vagina. the ranks have left gay san franciscans like tim selig outraged. >> san francisco is "the" inundisputed leader of gay cities. >> you're not. you're number 11. >> no, we are the gayest. >> reporter: just how gay is san francisco? one look around and you see that they're certainly number one in hacky gay puns and cartoonish gay sex shops. if i squint, that's kind of gay. >> maybe. >> well, if you take the gag out and put somebody's (blank beep) in your mouth instead, is that gay enough for you. >> sure it's colorful, fun, and flamboyant but the whole thing seemed like a historical creation of a by-gone gay culture. >> nice try. >> what are we going to do if i'm gay? >> it was like the colonial
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williams burg of gay. so what is the new hot bed of gayness? minneapolis, minnesota. and not just because straight senators go there to get gay (beep) jobs. georgia minneapolisians adam robbins and jesse field. >> minneapolis deserves the recognition for... than people might expect. >> take me through your gay day. >> we get up at 6:00 a.m. and we had some banana bread that i baked with coffee. >> oh, that's so gay. >> and then went and did some errands. >> like what? >> went and got some sheets at bed, bath and beyond. >> that's the gayest thing i've ever heard. >> reporter: yes, they're queer and they're here and it looks like everyone's gotten used to it. i went out cruising with these two to check out their scene. do you guys do this all the time? >> all the time. >> whenever we need things. >> reporter: you guys are
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seriously hard core. all you're doing is getting in your little car and going to star bucks and bed, bath beyond and going back home. it's not helping our movement. maybe the movement has already moved. really? >> reporter: the difference between these two cities could not be more stark. old gay. >> you see leather, you see boas. you see naked people. >> reporter: new gay. >> last night we have our weekly classical chinese reading group. >> reporter: old gay. >> it is every single day all day, morning until tonight. gay, gay, gay. it's fabulous. >> reporter: new gay. >> we've just been named best biking city in america. the week before. that got me a little more excited. >> reporter: minneapolis is the new gay. >> no, no, no, no. we will beat minneapolis. >> reporter: if we were in minneapolis right now, we would have already had sex. >> then i'm the loser on that part of... you know, that would have been great.
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>> reporter: san francisco is determined to regain its gay throne. judging from how they continue to sell themselves they just don't get it. ♪ if you were gay, shout hurrah ♪ >> reporter: not minneapolis gay. these people are clearly lost. >> whatever happened to just (beep)? >> jon: jason jones.
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welcome back. my guest tonight, a new film called last night. >> what are you doing here? >> i have some work here. i can't believe it. >> it's been a while.
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how are you? >> i'm fine. i just can't believe you're here. how did you know i'd be here? >> i keep tabs on you. >> serious. >> so am i. christmas cards have a return address on them. >> what if i had moved. >> you haven't. >> how long are you in new york for? >> i leave tomorrow. >> jon: he kills her. in the movie. oops! please welcome back kiera knightley. ( cheers and applause ) obviously he does not kill you in the movie. >> he obviously doesn't. >> jon: a comical thing to say. >> yes. i just googleed santorum. i feel like my innocence has been taken away. it's the use of the word "frothy" that i think is quite.... >> jon: can i say something very quickly about that.
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>> do you have to. >> jon: you're welcome. >> thank you. i appreciate it. >> jon: he's running for president. don't you think that would be a drawback. >> or not maybe. maybe that's a great thing. >> jon: what kind of a country do you think we are? how is your country? you shot this in new york. >> yes. >> jon: in 2008. >> actually when obama was elected president we were shooting that night. we were trying to shoot that night. >> jon: can i tell you something, that's just what we do here. we go mental all the time. had nothing to do with the election. first tuesday in november every year. >> oh, great. >> jon: we go santorum. ( applause ) was that a strange feeling? were you old enough to remember not tony blair, i wouldn't think, taking power. >> yes, i can remember that. >> jon: similar type vibe. >> yes, yes. it was pretty big then as well. >> jon: if you had been here
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during the election, let's see, of 2000, new york was quieter. >> i can imagine that, yes. >> jon: we were nervous. >> yes. yes, i can imagine that as well. >> jon: but things went better. did you get to go back home for the nuptials, the royal wedding? >> i was. i was doing theater in london. i was there for the nuptials. >> jon: what was that? >> the nuptials. >> jon: yes. >> i believe it was a wedding, i think. >> jon: i see. what if i googled... is there... would the william and... uh... middle... kate. >> yes. >> jon: do you think that they are in england as big a deal as they were here or do you think americans were more fascinated? >> it was a big deal here. wasn't it. >> jon: we stopped everything. >> did you? were you there? >> jon: stopping or in england? >> were you stopping in
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england. >> jon: we were not allowed to even use the footage from inside the church. the royal family had put out i guess they call them a decree. >> oh. >> jon: they said that you are not allowed to use the footage for satirical purposes. only to comment... there were only three things you were allowed to say, comment on the footage. you were allowed to say (ha-ff-) they made it so that you couldn't make jokes. >> did they really? really? i'm sorry. i feel like i should apologize. i'm terribly sorry. >> jon: this is not you. >> this is not my fault. okay. >> jon: it's kind of in some ways crystalizes the relationship between the two countries. your country does something dignified with great pomp and circumstance bringing together two people in holy matrimony and love. we dressed in rags (beep) on it for no reason. >> it's fine.
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don't worry about it. i forgive you. >> jon: thank you so much. they're around your age. have you ever run into them while you're out? william or harold? >> he called harold? henry. is it henry? >> jon: let me change it to harold. harry. >> henry is the real name and harry is the nickname. >> i should know that, shouldn't i. >> jon: you should know that. let's change his name to something else. >> i like harold. >> jon: harold is nice. >> i thought harold was quite good. it sort of seemed regal. >> jon: king harold. hark the herald angels sing. but i would think that the royal... being a royal nowadays would be like being a movie star. i would think there would be some sing ron itity between the two worlds. >> does that mean i should meet them. >> jon: i would think that that would be... let's say i'm prince harry.
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i'm hanging out and wearing whatever a prince wears. >> the suits were quite cool. >> jon: very nice suits and very fancy. let's have prince harry. i go, man, that kiera knightley she's something. she's a great actress. you know what? i will meet her. don't you think they would do that. >> they haven't. is there something wrong with me. >> jon: here's my point. even they realize you're out of their league. even they. ( cheers and applause ) >> thank you so much. i know what santorum is so i'm not allowed in the palace anymore. >> jon: have you ever been in the palace? >> no i haven't. >> jon: have you ever been to london? fair enough. if i go there, can i hang with you guys. >> absolutely. me and harold. >> jon: whoever. when you come here next time, you're coming when we elect a new president. we'll do it just for you. last night is open in select cities now.
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kiera knightley. ( cheers and applause )
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( cheers and applause ) that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. will farrell will be here. here it is your moment of zen. >> i was back here on february 11 to welcome home members of the brigade combat team in afghanistan. 155 of you got off that plane in the middle of the night. the only thing more exciting seeing you getting off is watching your captioning sponsored by comedy central