Skip to main content

tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  August 2, 2011 2:00am-2:30am PDT

2:00 am
yes, aids, big-time. >> dennis, what are you...? >> you got the aids, big-time. >> what are you doing, dude? >> did you see her face? look at her. look at her. i'm breaking her down. i'm making her feel worthless. you see? she thinks she's got the hiv. and i slip in. (whistles) get it? >> there's an order here, dude. get back in line. no more thirds for frankie. seconds from now on. >> (grunts) all right! that was all right. >> 15. >> 15. >> it's cause i'm getting tired. all right? my arm's blown out. >> hey, "speed pitch." you want to play? >> (groans) okay. oh, hey, wait, wait. hey, guy. you work here? >> yeah. >> yeah? oh, shit, ben. look, a carny. >> hey. (bell dings) >> so, i wonder if there's a kissing booth anywhere close. >> 64. >> ow! ow! oh, you stabbed me! he stabbed me with a key! >> someone! someone call a doctor! >> ow! you idiot! why would you stab me? i was flirting with you. >> that guy paid me to. >> you weren't supposed to stab her, man. you were supposed to stab her! >> what?! you want to have me stabbed?
2:01 am
>> i was going to protect you from the stabbing. >> wrong! wrong! wrong! wrong! you're supposed to let her get stabbed, hope that it hits a main artery, and then, as she's dying, you nurse her back to health, thereby making her totally dependent on you. >> oh... >> see, this is why nobody should be going off my system. >> what do you mean, "off your system"? >> my system of seduction that i used to win your heart that these idiots are ruining right now. ben's the only one who's using it properly. ben, please explain how the system works. >> i don't know what you're talking about. >> are you telling me you had your face painted like a goddamn frog person and you have no ulterior motive here? >> i'm a lizard. >> ooh, whoops. ooh. i dropped my monster condom that i use for my magnum dong. >> i'm out of here. >> no. >> i'll give you a ride. >> thank you. >> what? what are you doing? >> i'm leaving. dee, i don't like you. >> well, how is that possible? >> you're a mean person. >> ah, well... oh, you know what? you go! you get out of here! >> way to go, jerks. good job. >> yeah, you know, "way to go," to you. you work in a fair, carny. >> all right, don't call her a carny. >> i don't need you to take up
2:02 am
for me. shut up!of here. just go! >> yeah, yeah. >> you goddamn idiots ruining my system. everybody ruins my system. nobody gets it. >> system, my ass. >> i hate carnivals. >> i need a ride. is there anybody out there that could take me home? >> august 1, 2011, from come dpi central's world news -- from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to "the daily show". my name is jon stewart. from the new planet of apes film, freida pinto would be joining us. i didn't know we had a new planet of the apes film. [laughter] before we get to tonight's show.
2:03 am
i'm going to apologize. i'm a little blurry tonight. a little out of it. as usual, last thursday night after the show i went to ben begans for my -- bennigans for my end of week tequila sunrise smoothie. i'm not saying anybody slipped me a mickey but i woke up in kandahar. i want to explain quickly it's further away than what i thought. we'll have more on that later in the program. first, i did arrive home today to wondrous news. >> a deal has been reached in the debt ceiling debate. >> jon: oh, my god it's a rahm ramadan miracle. >> a debt limit increase of $2.1 trillion. a bipartisan committee created to agree on another trillion and a half in future spending.
2:04 am
>> jon: no, that can't be right. [laughter] yeah, no -- that's -- they must have forgotten to add and with the new balanced approach to deficit reduction forged by rational adults there's revenue increases closing the gap while preserving government functions. can we roll the clip of that, please? do we have the clip? the skunk with its head in the peanut butter jar? well, no, it's not the one i wanted but i'll give it a look. i'll see that. ♪ [ applause ] that is is a adorable. that is adorable. no,ly not let you distract me. all right. there must be revenue increases in this compromise because i was told just how crucial that was to this negotiation by -- i
2:05 am
don't know let's call him an unnamed senior white house official. >> we can't just close our deficit with spending cuts alone what we've said is as part of a broader package we should have revenues. >> revenues should come from the people who can most afford it. >> serious cuts balanced by new revenues. >> if you don't have revenues, it means you are putting more of a burden on the people who can least afford it. >> thank you. it's that kind of emphatic steadfast commitment that will protect those who can least afford it? sorry, really? just roll the clip (bleep). >> the president has failed to include revenues in the case. >> no tax increases, if will you. >> there no no tax revenues in this. [laughter] >> jon: i was really hoping that clip would be a lemur with
2:06 am
its head in a tub of mayonnaise. but -- [laughter] the president has got to be pretty upset about what has taken place here. >> i want to thank the american people. it's been your voices, your letters, your e-mails, your tweets, your phonecalls that have compelled washington to act in the final days. >> jon: let me just stop you right there. you are not pinning this terd on us! [cheers and applause] last time i checked the buck -- if it's the buck -- the buck stops with you not the twitter-verse. of course, the president, i guess, could have included a debt ceiling raise in previous legislation that republicans were desperate for like when they wanted to extend the bush tax cuts back in december so that the republicans wouldn't have had such a significant amount of leverage over the white house going into the
2:07 am
deficit reduction negotiation. even a jedi master strategist wouldn't have seen that coming. >> how do these negotiations effect talks with republicans about raising the debt limit? it would seem that they have a significant amount of leavage -- leverage over the white house? >> when you say a significant amount of leverage over the white house, what do you mean? >> jon: well done potter ten points for griffendorf. [laughter] go ahead there. tell him when you mean from december. >> a sense that they'll say essentially we're not going to raise the -- we're not going to agree to it unless the white house is able to or willing to agree to significant spending cuts across the board, probably
2:08 am
going deeper and further than what you are willing to do. what leverage would you have -- >> here is my expectation. i'll take john boehner at his word that nobody, democrat or republican, is willing to see the full faith and credit of the united states government collapse. [laughter] >> jon: funny because it happened. [laughter] let me do a quick impression of what is going on in the white house at the moment. find me that bow tie boy and let him tell us what happens next. [laughter] it looks like the democrats got hosed. but i'll bet the republicans are creaming in their jeans. i'm sorry trousers. >> ooh! [laughter]
2:09 am
mmmmm, mmmmm. [laughter] subtle. [laughter] trillions in spending cuts, no revenue increases, go ahead tea party congress people put on your hats, play your fifes and dance, tea party like it's 1799. >> i can't vote for this. >> we haven't gotten what we need. this is totally inadequate. >> congresswoman michelle bachmann is voting against it. >> i'm going to vote against it. >> it's a yes vote? >> i'm voting against it. >> jon: what the (bleep) tea partyers? what the fee, fi, fo --
2:10 am
(bleep) you control less than one percent of congress and you have convinced everyone -- take the win. what are you so angry about? yes, government still exists. we still have traffic lights. [laughter] we're sorry. not everybody defines freedom as the ability to not pay taxes. government isn't perfect but some people wish it was better not gone. this whole process has been like -- [cheers and applause] -- you're in a bank -- it's a negotiation where you got some hosthages and after getting everything you wanted you go, one last demand, i get to kill the hostages, right? this is the part where they come after you and they go, you won the debate and they say what are going to do now?
2:11 am
we're going to disn -- vo: this is cheryl.
2:12 am
2:13 am
this is her four-year-old computer she doesn't think she needs to update. so to show her what she's missing, we built a pc store in her house. cheryl: oh my gosh! employee: what do you say we go shopping? cheryl: this one's very cool. cheryl: where's the tower for this? employee: everything is right here. cheryl: oh stop! cheryl: okay... alright... employee: flip that screen around. very light-weight! employee: 500gb hard drive. cheryl: i like the dvr thing... i like this one. vo: new pc in the house. cheryl: i'm a pc, and i'm finally up to date. . >> jon: welcome back to the show. i may have mentioned earlier -- though i'm not sure what day it is -- i did spend the weekend in afghanistan at the new sandals resort they opened up there. no water just actual sandals.
2:14 am
[laughter] it was a uso tour led by the leader of the joint chiefs. when a great opportunity that they allow med to go with them. they are still doing the tour. i had to come back. the great people at the uso. it was a wonderful opportunity. i mean this literally in the heat of the moment i may or may not have made some promises to some of our incredible service men and women, things like, they go would you wear this shirt on your show and i'd like be (bleep) yeah. and they be like how about this sfwhun and i'd be like okay. so in the interest of honoring as many as i possibly can if you would indulge me for just a moment. here we go. all right! there we go. all right. [laughter]
2:15 am
huh! [cheers and applause] arghh! [cheers and applause] signed by lieutenant philips and the rest of the intelligence team. it was an incredible trip. i visited many fobs, forward operating bases. they give you patches when they meet you that describe who they are and where they are from. these are some of them. i urge you to tivo the screen, freeze it and take a look at some of the great men and women out there doing that. this one was given by a soldier whose last name was similar to mine. at which point i said to this soldier, well, then who are you? [laughter] so please take a look at that. and i was handed handed some nod things like that. if you would indulge me, i have a few things i need to say.
2:16 am
first shout out to gi jew in kandahar. [laughter] [cheers and applause] by the way good luck with that nickname out there. kandahar air field, when people say -- and by the way this is writing that i did on the plane i can blairly read my -- blurry. when people talk about war and they say they are in the (bleep) i didn't realize that the (bleep) came in pond form. or would be placed close to your dining hall. to bagram air force base i'll never forget our night at the clam shell or the fact that one of your soldiers told me that my mets hat was considered an unacceptable risk and that's why i was given this one. i very much appreciate that.
2:17 am
[cheers and applause] to the period to operating base dbir ron mow it was the best cho in town, no question. it would be nice if someone warned me that it could get hot enough there for my ass cheeks to fuse together. [laughter] to the pilot of the osprey would have been nice if we closed that back hatch. [laughter] to fob deli, no it was not pretty mild that day. [laughter] but thank you for warning me that the afghan national army guys that we met would not understand things like who i am -- [laughter] -- or sarcasm. [laughter]
2:18 am
to a couple of fobs i'm not really allowed to mention their names because of things going on there, i want to say your tenacity and bravery are outstanding and inspiring but i want one of you to explain to me why your mess shal decorated like a 1940's brothel. [laughter] to the nato allies we met, the troops from the other countries that give so much, your service is much appreciated but that's not excuse to introduce wheetabix to our troops. it's not a breakfast, it's a building material. to the soldier i met from macedonia and -- in kabul how do you know i'm in the the most famous person in america? [laughter] to first lieutenant moore and
2:19 am
master at arms cart write, thank you for everything. to lisa, your husband is right, don't leave him for me i'm not that funny. i do have writers. to the young specialist to the 655th tc who wrote me one of the nicest letters i think i've ever received. i thank you for it. he had a piece of advice in it, we cooperate and we fight as hard as we can because the -- we cooperate and we fight as hard as we can because there will be perhaps disappointment but there will be no shame. i appreciate that very much. [cheers and applause] i thank you guys. it was an incredible weekend. i can't really put it into words. i do want to say people can disagree about strategies and political and foreign policy and things of that nature but hopefully we can all agree that
2:20 am
the men and women of our armed services are giving so much to our country and the task that they are performing is a complex one. it's nuanced. the patience that they display, the tenacity and the competence they display are astonishing and they doing it on a surface that at times resembles when i assume to be venus. i cannot thank you all enough. you are amazing people. thank you foreign sharing this we me -- thank y
2:21 am
2:22 am
2:23 am
2:24 am
>> welcome back my guest tonight an actress her new film is "rise of the planet of the apes. ". >> it will soon grow into a large powerful enemy. i loved them but i'm also afraid of them. it's appropriate to be afraid of them. [laughter] >> he's happy. come on. >> i can see that. can we at least give him open space. >> jon: i auditioned for that
2:25 am
role. please welcome freida pinto. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> jon: thank you for being here. >> thank you so much. very nice to meet you. >> nice to meet you, too. which role did you audition for. >> jon: the chimp. i rolled around for a little bit and they said too marsupial. >> i thought it was james franco's role. >> jon: there's very little that franco and i would be in the same room for. [laughter] that is not an actual chimp in that scene. >> that's andy -- that's why i didn't get the role. >> jon: that's a guy? >> the amazing actor who did lord of rings and king kong. >> jon: that's incredible. has he ever been in anything where he is not hideously
2:26 am
deformed. >> he's done quite a bit. we saw a clip of him in 13 going on 30 doing a dance move. did anyone else see that? >> jon: yeah, no. nobody saw that. [laughter] they are all going to rent it tonight. [laughter] as it was. is it difficult -- so is andy circus in that moment is he dressed like a chimp? >> he is a gray motion capture suit which you saw in avatar as well. he has all these dots and a camera on him. what is amazing is not having a real ape who cannot emote the way andy can because he is human and trained to do that and he's specifically trained -- >> jon: let me ask you a question as an actor, how big a compliment is: your better than and ape? is that considerate in some way?
2:27 am
>> in today's given age, given the conflict of our times i think it's amazing. we don't need to torture animals. >> jon: that's true. real chimpanzees as amazing as they are are incredibly powerful and unpredictable. they are not meant to, let's say dress up and play the drums for us. >> not at all. >> jon: were there any actual animals or was it all people in capture you suits. >> except for a dog, just people in a suit -- >> jon: that would be bad. but a heck of a cast party. [laughter] were you familiar with -- the planet of apes films came up when i was a youngster -- did you go back and look? >> my mom was a big fan. i had seen bits and pieces when i was little. i found it gimmicky. i was not a big fan back then. now it's a different story. >> jon: it is, if i may, a bit
2:28 am
gimmicky. i was a fan back then. when you watch it now you really do go, wow, they got me on that. [laughter] have you seen the part with charlton heston on the beach. >> i haven't, no. >> jon: dude, you have to -- >> you just called me dude. >> jon: it was an honor. it's the exact same word i used when the president sat with me and i called him dude. >> i liked it. >> jon: the funny thing about that is he didn't care for it as much. khalton heston was on the beach and he looks up and sees that the planet he had been on was his own. you -- you have to see it. >> i'll rent it tonight. [laughter] >> jon: i'm not very good at that type of thing. >> i'm going to rent it tonight. >> jon: you probably should. are you saying -- do you spend time here los angeles, mumbai --
2:29 am
>> all over the place. wherever work takes me. i spent six months in canada shooting back-to-back. i go back to india when i get the time and i love london it's my second home. >> jon: you are like an kid. then this soon incredible life. >> i'm 26 but that's amazing. >> jon: to me you are a kid. you industrial that -- you industrial that new car smell. -- you still have that new car smell. >> thank you. >> jon: so nice to meet you. continued success. rise of the planet of the apes. it's in the theaters on friday. no chimps were hurt in the production.