tv The Colbert Report Comedy Central August 25, 2011 2:35am-3:05am PDT
correction, okay. there's no need to lose confidence in the system, okay. and yes, yes, perhaps-- perhaps we're experiencing a wee bit-of-a contraction here but do not pull your money out of the stock market just yet. okay. just-- there you go. there you go. there you go. okay. (laughter) okay. don't pull anything out of the stock market until 12:45 tomorrow. by then i should be over international waters. >> you're 20 minutes too early. i have got to do the show. get out. just go hover or circle! (laughter) >> stephen: the point is -- scaring the chicken.
the point is we're going to be okay. even though america no longer has a aaa rating. now those are reserved, triple a ratings are reserved for financial powerhouses like the aisles of man. (laughter) that's why the smart money is now putting everything in uncartered wool and windswept cliffscapes because according to the s&p this god forsaken rock in the irish sea is more trustworthy than the richest more powerful country in the world. parker gets a aa plus. the only two other countries with that rating are belgium and new zealand. that's us now. waffle-eating kiwies. (laughter) putting mayonnaise on our french fries with a serious hobbit infestation. and who, who are the s&p to downgrade us? these are the same geniuses who overestimated our deficit by $2 trillion.
plus they didn't even list america's most valuable asset, jesus. (laughter) it says right on our money, in god we trust. if the lord can turn water into wine, surely he can turn our debt into wine. which is good because we're going to need a drink. (laughter) but when standard & poors did their math they forgot to carry the christ. that's why personally, folks, i loved the response. texas governor rick perry's completely not political prayer event held on saturday in houston's reliant stadium to ask god to fix america. >> we see discord at home. we see fear in the marketplace. and for that we cry out for your forgiveness. >> stephen: yes, we need god's forgiveness, or at least china's. (laughter) and it was a huge success.
30,000 christians showed up instantly making perry a potential republican candidate a national figure in evangelical politics. and it comes just one week before the republican straw poll in ames iowa. the straw poll is a six hour festival of food, beer and nonbinding preelectoral process that has no connection to the iowa caucus. whoever wins the straw poll will have a massive symbolic victory that will propel them to the white house. just ask past winners president pat robertson, president bob dole, and president phil graham. now rick perry is not officially listed on the straw poll because he's not declared his candidacy yet. but for the first time in its history the ames poll is allowing write-ins. this is great news for perry, folks. and great news for his right write-in opponents sarah palin, buddy roamer and
long shot female arab candidate munch maguchi. now if perry-- (laughter) now if perry really wants to be a player, he needs a superpac behind him, as the politicos tenacious ken vogel tweeted, don't be surprised if all major presidential candidates get a big donor-backed superpac behind them. and kenny's right. for ron paul there is revolution pac. for mitt romney there is restore our future pac. and tim pawlenty just received a value pac. (laughter) so i'm not sure that 10% off dry cleaning is enough to secure the nomination. (laughter) and perry already has seven groups competing to be the rick perry superpac including americans for rick perry superpac. grow pac superpac and jobs
for iowa superpac was which recently ran this ad. >> what if we had a candidate for president with a real record of creating jobs. the leader of a state that created more jobs in the past two years than the other 49 states combined? what if we had a better option for president? we do. rick perry. jobs for iowa's responsible for the content of this advertising. >> stephen: wow, rick perry clearly has everything it takes to be president including at least half a face. (laughter) and-- and there's a good reason to want to be perry's main superpac because perry already has a huge network of megadonors. and their megamoney will go into the coffers of whatever superpac comes out on top. so i would just like to say, back off bitches, i saw him first. (laughter)
okay. i endorsed perry weeks ago. i already called shotgun. though he may not have heard since people in texas are always yelling shotgun. so hands-off my rick. he's the last doughnut on the office break room snack tray and i licked him. which is why tonight i am proud to announce that colbert superpac is releasing our first tv ad this wednesday night in des moines iowa during all the local news broadcasts. check your local listings of commercials. they have those, right? they should, brace yourselves, folks. here's a quick taste. >> a storm is gathering over iowa. >> if you want to see the rest-- (laughter) (applause)
intrigued? intrigued? if you want to see the rest, just go on-line, find a moving company and relocate to iowa. (laughter) or become a member of colbert superpac because when the ad premiers we will send each and every member a link to the full ad and as a bonus, a forward from my aunt sarah with 50 reasons why cats are better than men. (laughter) it's funny. it's funny. and iowa nation, why not head out to the ames straw poll this saturday and vote. our democracy is in your hands. although from what i have heard, ribs will also be in your hands. so try not to get any barbecue sauce on our democracy. we'll be right back.
>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you very much. nation, please, folks, i know that things may look bleak but believe it or not this whole s&p cloud has a silver lining which as a commodity is now worth more than the u.s. dollar. but you may recall last year when i told you about the five star vivos underground bunker, an opulent subterranean sanctuary where for $50 grand you could live in the afterlap of luxury basking in amenities such as queen size beds, a fully stocked wine cell ar, decorative artwork, pet kennels, dental services and a hair salon because when jesus returns you want perfect veneers an an up-do. and that's not all.
>> this bunker looks more like a nice hotel away from home, complete with an atrium, a gym it even serves sloppy joes. >> stephen: sloppy joes. because even in the end times americans will never give up their easily gumbo meat slush. now-- (laughter) well, now vivos has a new product for more modest afterscape vigilantes. >> vivos says that two-thirds of the people interested in its bunkers can't come up with the cash for the high-end version. so they've scaled back their design and released what they call an economy class option. it's called the vivos 1,000 and it's an underground complex that can hold up to 1,000 people. it costs around $10 grand per person to share a room with three other doomsday believers. >> stephen: in other words, it's like freshman year at bob jones university. (applause) folks, this bargain bunker,
this bargain bunker is a great idea. because even what vivos calls the masses deserve to briefly extend their lives in a windowless tomb. now naturally, there are differences between the high end line and the budget vivos 1,000. the vivos 1,000 crams twice the people not same amount of space, doors are made of curtains, personal storage is minimal and instead of a first class complete wardrobe, you are equipped with comfort sweats. basically what most americans wear anyway without the word juicy on their ass. and instead of guaranteeing survival for over a year, the economy model contains only enough food and fuel for six months maximum. which means by month seven you either have to get out or become the luxury bunker's sloppy joes. but even 10,000 dollars can be a lot to swallow in this economy. that's why i have partnered with the people at prescott survival to bring you an even more economical
underground safe haven. and this one you don't have to share. the live box ten. for just 30 installments of 9.99 you can have one of these personal life extension containers shipped right to your door. now in case of apocalypse simply dig a six foot hole in your backyard, place yourself in the live box and have your loved ones lower you gently to the bottom of the survival comfort zone. once inside, put on your free terri cloth genital comfort flap and feast on a two-week supply of dried survival nuggets with chunks of savory beef flavor. and to protect yourself from looters and soil varmints with our patented lifesaving broken shovel handle. and for just $600 more you
can also have a state of the art survival marker engraved with your name and your date of entry so that future generations can find and reanimate you when the u.s. economy has rebounded. order now, supplies are limited to the number of freezers we find dumped in the woods. we'll be right back. (applause) wait, you have something right?
hello, doctor. >> hi. >> beautiful people. now, sir, you have a bold proposition. >> yes. >> in your new book. first you are a professor of psychiatry, tufts medical centre in boston. you also have a position at harvard medical school, i believe. and you direct the mood disorders program at tufts medical in boston. you have a new book called a first rate madness. uncovering the links between leadership and mental illness. you say in times of crisis it's not such a bad thing for our leaders to be a little unhinged. >> that's right. >> stephen: so you're saying you should have a mad man with his finger on the button. >> to keep us safe. >> that's one way of putting it. >> stephen: i can't think of another. what do mean.
why is-- why is a first rate madness a good idea? >> well, what i found was that a lot of our greatest leaders have mental illnesses or are mentally abnormallal and a lot of our abnormal and a lot of our worst leaders are mentally healthy. and there's evidence from different studies and psychology and psychiatry that there are benefits to some mental illnesses, not all of them, like mania and depression. for instance manic people tend to be more creative than normal people. depressed people tend to have more empathy. and are more realistic in experimental studies in their assessment of their control of the environment. >> so a manic-depressive person has the whole package. >> right. (laughter) they have the mania, they have the ego you might say to think hey, i could be president of the united states. could run things. >> not so much that. i think a lot of normal people have ambition and want power. the manic patients, people are more creative. and in times of crisis, you need that kind of creativity. >> stephen: who is the
president who showed a manic creativity in times of crisis. >> franklin roosevelt. he had mild manic systems throughout his life which psychiatrists call hyperthalamic personality and i don't think it is an accident that he came up with all of the things that he did in the new deal. >> stephen: so you are agreeing with me, that the new deal was the work of a madman? (laughter) social security, work progression administration government creating jobs is a mad idea. >> it was a brilliant mad idea. >> stephen: you make him sound like a mad scientist. >> no, you know, one of the things about mania is that it does cause a person to have many different kinds of thoughts, many of which are creative. connections happen because the thoughts are going fast and in different directions in a way that in mentally healthy average people don't happen. >> stephen: let's talk about the current crop of republican candidates running-- (laughter) which of them do you think
seems the most creative? (laughter) >> i have to say, you asked just the right question because that's what we should be asking about our cleat leaders. who are creative, resilient, empathic and realistic. these are the four traits of leadership that grow out of mania and depression. and we will get people like that and we should accept them. >> stephen: who. >> i have to say i haven't noticed one of them to have a lot of those qualities. >> stephen: so they are all just too normal. >> that's right. >> stephen: is obama normal? >> he says he is. he says he's well adjusted to quote him in an interview from a campaign. and he was certainly packaged as no drama obama, all calm and normal if that's the case he may not be up to the crises we have today. but my hunch is reading his memoir which was written long before he ran for president, that he may be more complicated than that. and that may be a good thing. >> stephen: you know what,
one way to get a better leader once they are in office is to-- is to gas light them and make their crazy, which might be what the republicans have been doing all along, just to help obama. i mean the tea party could be therapy for him. (laughter) >> well, you're born with this, generally. it's genetic. >> stephen: it genetic. >> yes. >> stephen: so perhaps we should take like cheek scrapings of our leaders to find out if there is a mild propensity-- or perhaps we should have a reserve president who is perhaps not quite as balanced as the main president, and we unleash him when thing goes bad. >> that would be one idea. but i think another way to do it is just luke we have the presidential candidates release their medical records and in a matter of fact way we assess that, maybe we should learn about their psychiatric background in a matter of fact way, except that some abnormality is quite good.
>> stephen: what about reagan? he handled the united states beautifully in a time of crisis going up against the soviet union, obviously the invasion of grenada, and he was perfectly normal. his idea of, you know, being wild was to put two different flavored jelly beans in his mouth at the same time. (laughter) >> stephen: do you see anything in reagan, was there anything in his past that would suggest the kind of creative opportunity that a mental illness might bring? >> i would agree with you that reagan was perfectly normal. i'm not sure i would agree with you about his great leadership. i think we have had-- . >> stephen: you he personally kicked down the berlin wall, sir. >> did he? (laughter) in the list of normal average leaders who we've have had who many people would say have to the been very successful, the ones that i think there would be little debate about would be people like general george
mcclellan and neville chamberlain in world war ii and maybe in recent times a lot of our recent presidents including reagan, and others who have maybe some successes. but more recently maybe george w. bush here, maybe tony blair in england,-- . >> stephen: bush was normal watch. about cheney? (laughter) >> he didn't have his finger on the button, so i don't know if he counts. >> stephen: he had his finger on the finger on the button. >> good point, good point. >> stephen: thank you so much. the book is a first rate madness. we'll be right back. you didn't get a miller lite?
no. what's the difference? miller lite has more taste. i don't care. i just got one of these. well that's the second unmanly thing you've done today. what was the first? ahhhhh! get me off this thing right now! get me off this thing! get me off this thing! yeah, i guess that was unmanly... [ male announcer ] man up. choose a light beer with more taste. grab a miller lite vortex bottle. taste greatness. hey, look. i made t-shirts! awesome.
>> that's it for the report, everybody. good night. (cheers and applause) ( rock music playing ) ♪ p-r-e-t-e-n-d t-i-m-e ♪ ♪ p-r-e-t-e-n-d t-i-m-e. - ( r&b music playing ) - ♪ i'll be your fantasies, girl... ♪ i have an idea for tonight. - whoa. - let's do role playing. wow, yeah sure, whatever you want. i want you to take advantage of me and be really forceful. i'll resist and you just dominate me.
uh, okay. yeah, no problem. okay, come out of the bathroom. oh, yeah. you got it, baby. i want you now. no, please don't. - do as i say. - i said no, mother--! wait, why are you stopping? oh, you're okay? i was getting into it. come on. okay, yeah yeah. no, that was good. jesus, meryl streep over here. - okay. - ( clears throat ) - don't push me away. - you bad man. help! somebody help me! please god help! damn it, nick, why are you stopping? that's just really real. it just feels, like, too real. like i-- the neighbors are gonna... i did theater in high school. you know that. i just get into it. seriously, you're being a pussy and it's bumming me out. okay, all right. i'm sorry. all right, let's start again.
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