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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  January 10, 2012 11:00pm-11:30pm PST

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but really want to take you up on the offer. sorry i called so much. if you gave me your phone number and i haven't called it's because we had sex while i was there and i've moved on. goodnight. >> oh, oh, oh, >> january 10, 2012. from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "a daily show" with jon stewart. -- this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show". my name is jon stewart. big show tonight. big show tonight. big show tonight. sorry one quick second. sorry i'm just writing something very important down. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause]
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big show tonight. yeah (bleep) i'm kick it old school. pen and paper. big show tonight the judge, the most infectious laugh in tell vismtion has the steakhouse, the hearty full -- you feel the cream spinach and porterhouse flecks coming at you. i love it. big new tonight new hampshire. primary. obviously without a time machine we don't have the full results. even with a time machine i wouldn't have the full results either because i would be too busy stopping hitler. you heard me hitler. i'm coming for you hitler. hitler! [cheers and applause] anyway we do have some results preliminary, i guess from the traditional midnight vote in the new hampshire town of dixville notch because april parentally letting penistown vote would have been silly.
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[ laughter ] let's go to our own carl cameron for the tally. >> we have a count ant it goes as follows. one vote for newt gingrich. two votes for jon huntsman, one vote for ron paul and two votes for mitt romney but the biggest vote getter in dixville notch is for the democrat, barack obama got three votes. >> jon: thank you. [cheers and applause] so i think -- i think we hear at the "the daily show" are ready to call it. the winner of new hampshire republican primary tonight barack obama. [cheers and applause] and if this trend continues, we do project now that barack obama will be the republican nominee to square against president barack obama. my guess is he will run on change. [ laughter ] more on this stunning development tomorrow. great job out there. glad to have you on board. we've been so focused on the up to the minute microchanges of early primary states.
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i wonder what going is on in the world. >> iran is defying the rest of the world starting production at a second uranium enrichment site. >> this uranium enrichment is taking place at a site called fordo. >> jon: ah, fordo named for the famed hero of lord of the rings knockoff street vendor trilogy. we went there. a light frightening. >> iran is saying, look, it's okay begun everybody relax because we're trying to get radio isotopes by enriching this uranium because there are 800,000 cancer patients who need it. >> jon: soric i thought you were building a nuclear weapon. i didn't realize it was for medical reasons. maybe your people wouldn't have such a high cancer rate if you didn't have so much time
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enriching uranium. can a brother get a hazmat suit? are you touring a nuclear plant or filling my xanax prescription at rite aid? you're in a -- all right. let's to take iran at its world it's not a hostile act to enrich it we're cool. >> they are threatening to block the strait of hormuz. >> a fifth of the worl's water passes through there. >> it's the most important waterway on the planet. >> jon: i know the bering strait is right now like oh, no you didn't. and the suez canal is what like am i chopped liver? panama call nal is like what? if you like this you'll love the cd collection stewart anthropomorphizes the world's water ways. erie canal what is -- i'll give
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you a moment to make the call. [ laughter ] where was i? all right the gathering clouds of war. what sup iran? i thought we were trying to be cool? seems like the persian gulf military presence is hooking you up sweetly. >> the u.s. coast guard coming to the rescue of an an rayan ship in the gulf stranded. >> jon: that's after the u.s. rescuing iranian fishermen from somali pirates. is there something you would like to say to us, iran? >> iran sentences an american to death. [ laughter ] >> jon: is there something else you would like to say to us? >> iran claims he was sent by the c.i.a. continue to filtrate that country's intelligence and destabilize the country. his family said he was visiting grandparents.
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[ laughter ] >> jon: spies spent to destabilize the country going to grandmas. i think i know where this is headed. to hollywood, the spy who loved his bubby? no, octogenarian? no the hunt for red heart candy? [ laughter ] i'm not sure you deserve another -- all right fine. three days in the condo. [ laughter ] i see we wasted our afternoon. [ laughter ] iran, what are you doing? why are you poking at us? you know iran meet me at camera three. what sup, iran? i know it's fun to annoy us, pull on the great satan's beard. you do realize there are a lot of people in this country who would like to bomb you. have you paid attention to your region's history in the past ten years or so? do you want us to bomb you?
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did you look at iraq and think, how do we get in on that snaks we have far too many working roads and erekd buildings. i hear there's money to be made in the rubble business. look, i don't know if you know this but since our manufacturing base departed in the 70s, bombing (bleep) in the desert is kind of our thing now. [ laughter ] you know in the united states our chief export is booms! and the obama administration doesn't play. >> do not develop a nuclear weapon. that's a red line for us. >> jon: you do not want to cross one of our red lines. we lay one red line down it's uncrossable. >> the united states will not tolerate the blocking of the straits of hormuz. that's another red line for us. >> jon: okay two. you get two red lines. one more and we'll draw a blue
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circle around you so fast. i'll grant you that they are not great with the tough talk but he might not be around for much longer. there's an election going on here. you know, we're not like you, we don't keep these guys forever. and the guys who are looking to take obama's place, they are not all cool black guys who smoke cigarette and draw lines. >> iran must not get a nuclear weapon and we'll go about whatever it takes to make sure it happens. >> the united states of america is willing in the final analysis if necessary to keep them frying a nuclear weapon. >> we could break the regime within a year. >> i would send troops back into iraq. >> jon: that's how crazy these (bleep) guys are. they'll boom bomb you, the country we got out of. if there's an ira we're bombing it. we don't care what letter it end thes with! this is how much the new guys
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hate the idea of you developing nukes. >> there's scientists turn up dead in russia and iran. there's been computer viruses, problems at their facility. the hope that the united states has been involved with that. >> jon: did you see that? that is a candidate for a major political party expressing his hope that we're secretly murdering your scientists. by the way, that dude santorum that is what we call in this country prolife. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] the only guy whop -- who won't bomb you is ron paul and believe they me they are going to do everything they cannot to let that guy win. iran keep this us, i wouldn't be surprised if obama has to bomb you himself to keep these other guys from calling him chicken (bleep). americans don't hate you and i hope iranians don't want us but
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if you really want a war (bleep) with america during election season. get in between seven powerful men and have a chance to have an officer with no corners and power to 24 hours a day pick you phone and any (bleep) sand wihch they want. there isn'
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>> jon: welcome back. [cheers and applause] now look, i want to make something very clear.
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we here at the show we rag on cnn a lot mostly because they are -- theaterible. [ laughter ] we've tended to focus on the hours between 7:00 a.m. and 10:00 p.m. which gives us really more material than we can handle. did you know cnn has a show on at 5:00 a.m. it's called early start and they are not afraid to stretch the bounds of what a news show can do. >> on this program as we move forward and try out crazy ideas essentially we're going to wake some poor soul up, somebody really connected to the news and has no idea. we're exercising our rolodenes. drolodexes. >> jon: the idea is to call someone you haven't asked. what could go wrong. >> today's is terry kennedy. i hope she's awake. [phone ringing] >> this is getting embarrassing.
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>> jon: getting embarrassing, you don't cold call a kennedy at ak in the morning. do you how many unexpected tragedies this family has suffered snl i don't know if you know this but kennedys almost never get good news from cnn at 5:00 in the morning. but whatever it's already ringing. >> she's going to answer. i'm sure shell. come on, kerry. >> hello? >> hi is kerry there? >> this is me. >> hi, kerry it's ashleigh banfield calling. >> good morning. >> you are on the air so no f bombs. how are you? [ laughter ] >> jon: how am i? i'm getting ready to say (bleep) real loud. how am i? 308 seconds ago i was riding the dinosaur naked through middle school and now i'm on the phone with you. that's how (bleep) i am. do the interview.
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>> we've seen beautiful pictures of your father. you were eight years old when he was killed? do you still have haunting memories of every campaign? >> jon: ash -- i like you. i get it you want to have it both ways and have fun and have hard news. kerry kennedy cold call. you were eight when they shot your dad. any memories you want to share with us? answer right now and win two tickets to aerosmith. this will is cnn. you are going to do a bit like that you have to pick a lane. you know what? -- [cheers and applause] try the bit again. try it again. >> he's a comean, tv personality. we'll die aling him -- dialing him up to see how he is in the
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morning. >> jon: chuck a comedian. it's a family assassination free guest. nothing is going to go wrong here. >> hello? >> hello, chuck. >> hello. >> chuck this is the f.b.i. calling. >> no. >> this is somebody else. >> this s- this chuck nice. >> hello? hello. oh, my -- [ laughter ] >> wrong number. >> jon: bad enough to wrong number some poor schmuck at 5 (bleep) in the morning then tell him you were the f.b.i. you know where he was half hour after hanging up, going down the fire escape. this is him now. cnn why don't you stick to what you do best?
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and as soon as we figure that out we'll let you know what it is. we'll be right back. [cheers and appl [cheers and applause]
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>> jon: welcome back.
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my guest tonight is the anchor of fox business network's freedom watch as well as the senior judicial analyst for fox news channel. his book is called it's dangerous to be right when the government is wrong. please welcome back to the program judge andrew napolitano. sir? [cheers and applause] what is up? how are you? >> great, how are you? >> jon: what are you doing now? you've got this republican new hampshire primary -- >> i think it's going on as we speak. >> jon: you just told people that we taped it earlier. >> but we don't know the results there's no time machine. >> jon: do you know what happens to the magic when it disappears? [ laughter ] >> don't let that happen! >> jon: judge, let me ask you this: everybody seems to be lining up. the republicans don't seem to want mitt romney. they don't seem to like mitt romney even though he has been designed in a presidential lab beneath a volcano with like a skull head. >> he does have that look.
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but what does he stand for that is particularly republican? he likes big government, tarp, bailing out the banks, bailing out the insurance companies, fighting wars of opportunity. >> jon: i thought that was your thing. >> i thought that was -- that was george w. bush which the country josh becketted. >> jon: the republicans -- country josh josh rejected. >> jon: the republicans didn't. they almost renounced their former basically presidents. reagan said he would lower -- you know make government smaller. it got bigger. it has since grew. >> yes. >> jon: george h.w. raised taxes. george w. bush had wars. >> the republicans have changed in the last 48 hours when they attacked mitt romney for making money and hiring people. >> jon: wasn't that the craziest thing.
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newt gingrich is the occupy wall street candidate. >> exactly. >> jon: what the hell is going on? >> gingrich is a long haired lefty ever since he heard the era of big government is over and he believed it. there's only one republican candidate who won't go to war. who doesn't believe it's the job of president to run the economy or to be the policeman of the world or tomorrow you how to live -- >> jon: are you talking about taft? taft? >> the guy you admire most. >> jon: in the republican field. >> ron paul. >> jon: i happen to think he is a straight shooter. what kind of ridiculous cliche is that? >> he believes in small government. >> jon: the news letter thing bothered me. but his answers to it struck me as he suddenly became a politician. i don't know who -- of the he went to jackie mason. >> he should have said, look, that was then this is now. i condemn it now. i should have condemned it then.
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he did eventually. the emphasis is back more on the issues aren't the people entitled to a government that stays within the confines of constitution? who is the government to tell us what to do in the bedrooms or basements of our homes? >> jon: what just happened here? here is the thing: the republicans very much are -- here is the thing i don't understand about -- maybe you tell me thiscy libertarian viewpoint. the federal government cannot infringe on your freedoms but if the states do it it's okay. >> there are a lot of republicans who agree with you and they are wrong because the 14th amendment without getting too historical applies the bill of rights to the states. what the federal government can't do with speech or privacy or religion or travel the states can't interfere with it either. that's the lesson of civil war. it's been the law of the land for the past 125 years.
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not all republicans accept that. am i getting a paycheck next week. >> jon: probably not right now. under the chair is like the roger ales tingler. >> he was a great man who has a great deal of respect for the host. >> jon: for you? >> for you. he probably told you about himself. >> jon: sometimes at night when i look out the window i see him standing there underneath the tree in the rain with an umbrella. >> protecting your freedom. >> jon: that's probably what he is doing. there's a cognitive disnance in the party attack mitt romney for being the avatar and then there's guying talking about freedom and suggesting gay people don't have the same rights as every other american. how is that going to play itself out? >> five of those six candidates are repugnant to freedom.
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they don't believe rights come from humanity. they just believe in a republican of big go. i'm not here reaping ron paul. he's my friend and colleague but only he believes the freedoms come from the humanity and not the government. >> jon: is he a republican? it sounds to me like he is at odds with the republican party. the republican party in the mainstream believes more in big government. >> you are exactly correct. his goal in this campaign is to educate the republican party and bring it back to its small government roots. he has had a fair amount of success. he's been doing it 25-30 years. >> jon: getting it into the conversation. i'm not so sure that the republican party. i feel that the establishment of the party is disrespectful to him. >> because they like their version of big government. i don't believe there's two parties. >> jon: don't look at them -- >> jackson, remember him? >> jon: whenever you turn and
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look out i'm like oh, (bleep) something bad is about to happened he's going this country was founded -- >> we have one big government party. it has a democratic wing that likes war and taxes and individual welfare and a republican wing that likes war and deficits and corporate welfare. only somebody like ron paul believes that the government should leave you alone, tax you minimally and that government is best which governs least. you believe that, jon stewart, don't you. >> jon: you don't know i believe it but now that you say it i weirdly want to hug you. freedom watch. it's the judge andrew napolitano. [cheers and applause]
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