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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  January 20, 2012 6:30pm-7:00pm PST

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>> that's our show. here it is, our home of zen. >> there is no question that at times of my life, partially driven by how passionately i felt about this country, that i worked far too hard and the thin captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing )
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. thank you. thank you, nation. okay. >> steve, stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen. >> stephen: thank you so much, thank you, gentlemen. you know i love it. folks, you know i love it. but we've got to get going. i'm sorry, i've got a rally in south carolina tomorrow and i've got to make a plane. in fact, this is actually a free tape and i am at the airport right now and they just called my flight. >> ladies and gentlemen, now boarding zone 2. >> stephen: zone 4 [bleep]
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well, at least i can finish my cinnabon-- sin a:-- (laughter) hmmmm, hmmmm, hmmmm. (laughter) all right. that that sped things up. now let's get to the big stories. first up, rick perry has dropped out of the race to spend more time getting leathery. (laughter) and in a shocker, mitt romney who called his back-to-back wins in iowa and new hampshire historic just had to revise history. >> breaking news this morning coming out of eye watch. the iowa gop is now saying that upon a-- pun a full count rick san tore-- santorum was the winner, not mitt romney. >> stephen: first mitt romney won then he lost. classic romney flip-flop. meanwhile santorum has his
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own problems. for criticizing newt gingrich for doing this commercial, nancy pelosi, listen what santorum claims. >> did the only person i ever sat on a couch with was my wife. (laughter) >> stephen: folks, this attack on gingrich was a colossal blunder of santorum because a damning photo has come to light of rick santorum sharing a couch with a man. (laughter) i'm sorry, that is an affront to the sanctity of traditional sofa. >> you start accepting man on man couching and it's a slippery slope to accepting dog on couching. i just hope that these guys were not on a sofa bed because in my book, that is just a couch that has furniture reassignment surgery. (laughter) so with romney and santorum in trouble, it looks like smooth sailing for the hms
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gingrich. >> i'm king of the world. >> the new bombshell interview from abc news with gingrich's second wife maryann. >> he was asking to have an open marriage. (laughter) >> stephen: luckily, luckily newt's head qualifies as a flotation device. and worst of all, folks, i didn't see this coming. last night south carolina's own stephen colbert was viciously attacked by jon stewart's the definitely not coordinating with stephen colbert superpac. jim? >> america is in crisis. stephen colbert is turning our election into a circus. now the superpac that he founded is running attack ads against him just so we'll think they're not coordinating. >> enough is enough! >> i've had it with these muddy grubbing superpacs
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messing with our monday to friday elections. >> south carolina, send stephen colbert a message. on january 21st, vote herman cain because we can't afford to have a leader like this. >> stephen: look, i just think that rossa parks is overrated. >> overrate, rover yated. >> for the record, ladies and gentlemen, let's not forget rossa parks did break the law. however good her intentions. folks, i am hurt that jon stewart's superpac attacked me. but i defend their right to do so. in fact, i have defended it to the supreme court justice john paul stevens. a giant of american jurisprudence, the author of the defending opinions in both bush v gore and citizened united, the decision that lead to the formation of superpacs. i recently outlegalled
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justice stephens in my washington office. >> justice stephens-- stevens thank you for talking to me today. >> happy to be here. >> stephen: su have been serving on the court nonstop i believe since 1995. >> as you may know i am actually retired. >> sooree, what. >> i'm a retired justice. >> stephen: can we gets one of the real supreme court guys. i don't care if they are in session. just get me one of them, they got like five of them, nine? >> they're very busy. >> stephen: so no i can't have anyone else. okay. sorry about that. thank you so much. okay so, you retired from the court in-- sorry, when. >> a year ago june. >> stephen: what part of lifetime appointment don't you get, sir. you are supposed to go your entire lifetime. i don't want to you take this the wrong way, you sound like a quitter. >> i am, i am i acquitter. after 37 years you are entitled to quit. >> stephen: oh, okay, sure, at 90, i don't want to work
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every day, that's the message to kids. >> nass's the message. >> stephen: okay, you wonder why the chinese are getting ahead. >> i wouldn't say that. >> stephen: what qualities does a case have to have to be heard by the supreme court. >> the most important quality is it has to convince four justices it's worthy of being heard. >> stephen: i have an argument as to why i shouldn't get this-- you can help me out with this. >> well, sure, i'll listen your argument. >> stephen: okay, i was going 90 in the-- zone and i was drunk. i had to get out of that neighborhood fast. your honor, i rest my case. >> you're guilty (laughter) >> stephen: does that feel good. >> yeah. >> stephen: it's been awhile, right. >> right. >> stephen: let's get to the
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heat of the meat here, we. bush v gore. great supreme court decision, or the greatest supreme court decision. >> neither. >> stephen: it is great or greatest. >> neither. >> stephen: i will put you down for great. you obvisly didn't think it is the greatest, bush v gore, great decision, john paul stevens. just for fun, -- >> i would say you probably better buy another computer. >> stephen: are you going to yell at me through the entire interview. >> no. >> stephen: okay. let's move on. you have got a new book here called five chiefs. >> correct. >> stephen: the supreme court memoir. >> right. >> stephen: were you up set you were never one of the chiefs. >> i was acting chief for a while. >> i never went that far.
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>> stephen: the basketball court just above the court building. >> it is referred to as the highest court in the land. >> stephen: who in all your years really brought the rock to the rim, who was dangerous in the paint. >> who was dangerous on the basketball court. >> stephen: yes, who brought the walnuts to the jam hoop. >> that was byron white. >> stephen: codunk. >> he could dunk, absolutely. >> jon: william rehnquist famously put stripes on his robe. were you ever tempted to sort of-- your look. >> i don't know what-- . >> stephen: like this? >> i don't think so. >> stephen: let's shift gears. >> sure. >> stephen: you wrote the dissenting opinion in citizens united, correct. >> yes. >> stephen: what did it is a, tell me what you wrote. >> well, i suppose one of the briefest things one
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could say is it changed the laws of management in made corporations much more leeway in spending money in electoral campaigns then they had in the past. >> stephen: we all know it is a long established law that corporations are people, true. >> for some purposes, corporations are persons. >> stephen: should a person be denied their lights. >> no. >> stephen: okay, so if a person should not be denied their rights and a corporation is a person, shouldn't corporations have every constitutional right that you have. >> no, not necessarily. >> stephen: checkmate, when i checkmate someone i like to say it. >> okay. and i would say you overlooked the fact that he i moved my bishop and take your king. >> stephen: okay what is your bishop. >> my bishop is that there are natural persons and corporate persian some have different rights than others do. the same rights don't apply to everyone in every possible situation.
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>> stephen: but here's the thing, what-- natural persons versus corporate persons. >> that's making a distinction that it humanizes the corporation. >> you don't suggest that corporations can do everything that persons can do. >> stephen: they can. there is nothing i would deny them that they wanted to do. >> i don't know how a corporate person would drink a glass of water, for example. >> stephen: well, they can consume water in their own way. a corporation makes nuclear reactors, consumes a great deal of water. how they digest that watt certificate different from yours but you don't have if i right to judge the way that they do. >> i think they do. >> stephen: why. because you are a supreme court justice. >> that's right. >> stephen: okay, fantastic. >> and jurisdiction over-- . >> stephen: are you a supreme court justice, i'm not. that gives you the right to judge things. that's very convenient. >> that's right. >> stephen: very convenient. >> as part of your commission you have to do some sdwrujing. >> stephen: last question,. >> sure. >> stephen: are there any decisions you made that you
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later regretted. >> other than this interview? (laughter) >> stephen: yes. >> i don't think so. >> stephen: justice steven, thank you so much for talking to me today. >> i've enjoyed it. thank you. >> stephen: you're good people. not a corporation but still good people. we'll be right back. (cheers and applau
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is the associate director for collections of the metropolitan museum of art
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who will be the first time i nail somebody by-- please welcome carrie rebora barratt. (cheers and applause) thank you so much for coming on. >> thank you very much. >> stephen: all right, nice to meet you. you know what i like about the metropolitan museum of art, the great place to go in and not pay and see a lot of art. because you have an honor system there. >> we do, we do. >> stephen: absolutely. >> have you been. >> stephen: have i been, i have not been. >> oh, i will take you through whenever you want. >> stephen: really that would be fantastic. >> private tour. >> stephen: can i lick the painting (laughter) >> stephen: simple question, ma'am. i can't be the first person who has asked you that. >> you are, actually. >> stephen: really? we have broken some new ground. >> that's right. >> stephen: let's talk about the center piece of the new renovated american collection.
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perhaps the most famous american painting of all time, got it right here. >> su have the frame. >> stephen: i do. that is washington's crossing the delaware. now the actual one is a little better. okay. actually, in fact, even bigger than that, jimmy can you drop in the larger version of it, please (laughter) >> wow. >> stephen: okay. >> wow. >> stephen: is that nice? what i love about this is it is just so damn big. >> 12 by 21. >> stephen: when was this painted. >> 1851. 75 years after the actual event. >> stephen: right. >> christmas day 1776, the virginia militia is following their leader across the delaware river to trendton.
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>> stephen: and when they get to trendton they are going to stomp the hell out of-- right. >> right. >> stephen: merry christmas, time to die. >> that's right, that's right. (laughter) >> stephen: now as much as i think that washington is a heroic figure here, doesn't is look like everybody else is doing the work? (laughter) >> he is the leader. >> stephen: he's the leader and it was painted at a time when the world was, the world was falling part. what we needed was a good leader. this man got these men in the boat. most of them would have rather been spending christmas day with their families. they have no coats. you can't see, most of them would have no shoes. the delaware river is frozen over. he got them into the boat. that's huge. >> stephen: and what did this painting itself have to do with our vision of washington today, did this help shape our modern mytho of washington. >> the patenting was painted about the same time that mount vernon was created. it shapes our idea of what our leaders should be today. it shapes even our current
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president's election, doesn't it. >> stephen: now what great american painter painted this. >> emanuel-- he grew newspaper philadelphia but was born in germanny. >> stephen: so he was an immigrant. >> he was an immigrant. >> stephen: he was an immigrant. >> this is a local picture. >> stephen: how is this a local picture. >> painted by a german of an american subject, painted in germany and then sent to new york for exhi business. >> stephen: painted in germany. >> painted in germany. >> stephen: i find that slightly offensive. (laughter) >> it is great american art y do we have to have these european artists doing our work, where the statue is liberty is created by a french guy, washington was laid out by a french guy, some ckraut painted this, weren't there great american artists at that time being able to do this. >> one of them was worthington landscape painter, an american artist. >> stephen: so this painting is a lie. >> he's been dead. he's been dead for 50 years by the time that was painted. >> stephen: now the actual one, did you actually take
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it out of the frame for restoration. >> we did. >> stephen: when you took it out of the frame did you bother to check on the back for a treasure map. >> we did. >> stephen: really, was there anything on the back. >> the key to the american revolution, yes. >> stephen: . >> i'm joking. >> stephen: let's keep this serious, madame. >> paintings have all kinds of interesting details on the back. >> stephen: was there anything cool. >> yeah, it had a wax lining which had leeched toward the front, that was partly what we cleaned off. if you let me take you to the museum will you see, you can now see the morningstar. you can now see the random-- . >> stephen: yeah, the morningstar. >> they wanted to get there during the night but it would have been a real surprise. >> stephen: you can see washington's bright red-- here. >> is a fog. >> stephen: is that what you call it. that's a polite. bright red because it is so
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cold. well, thank you, thank you so much for sharing the dignity of this great american work of hard. (cheers and applause) carrie
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(cheers and applause)
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. nation, don't forget to join me tomorrow for the rock me like a herman kane south carolina pramary rally starting at 1 p.m. at the sis attorney at the-- charleston. now recently some folks have asked stephen, why haven't you gone down to south carolina sooner? well, in some ways i have never left. you see, i have gone to carolina in my mind, right, james. ♪ in my mind i'm going to carolina ♪ ♪ can't you see the sunshine ♪ ♪ can't you just feel the moonshine ♪ ♪ ain't it just like a friend of mine ♪ ♪ you hit me from behind ♪ yes, i am's going to carolina ♪ ♪ in my mind ♪ silver sun
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♪ ♪ silver tear here and now ♪ and i'm crying ♪ i'm going to carolina in my mind ♪ ♪ there ain't no doubt ♪ no one's mind ♪ that love's the finest thing around ♪ ♪ whisper something warm and kind ♪ ♪ hey baby ♪ sky's on fire ♪ i'm dying ♪ and i'm going to carolina in my mind ♪ ♪ in my mind ♪ i'm going to carolina ♪ can't you see the
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sunshine ♪ ♪ can't you just feel the moonshine ♪ ♪ ain't it just like a friend of mine ♪ ♪ from mind ♪ and i'm going to carolina ♪ in my mind ♪-- i think i might have heard the highway calling ♪ ♪ he's been fighting ♪ and times it might be old ♪ ♪ i'm going ♪ i'm going ♪ gone to carolina in my mind ♪ ♪ with a hope of others ♪ standing around me ♪ still i'm on the dark side
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of the moon ♪ ♪ and it seems like it goes on ♪ ♪ like this forever ♪ you must forgive me ♪ if i'm up and gone ♪ to carolina in my mind ♪ in my mind ♪ i'm going to carolina ♪ can't you see the sunshine ♪ ♪ can't you just feel the moonshine ♪ ♪ maybe just like a friend of mine ♪ ♪ hit me from behind ♪ yes, i am's going to carolina ♪ ♪ in my mind ♪ yes ♪ i'm going carolina ♪ in my mind ♪ going to carolina ♪ in my mind
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♪ (cheers and applause) ♪[music plays] ♪[music plays] when you're responsible for this much of the team... you need a car you can count on. ♪[music plays]
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