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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  January 31, 2012 6:30pm-7:00pm PST

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so great to see you. >> you too. huge fan. >> would you ever wanted to a proceed... project together? >> i would. >> oh, i'm captioning sponsored by comedy central >> stephen: wow! that's good. (applause) i'm sorry to interrupt. you have seen jon stewart? >> what does he look like.
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>> stephen: he's about this tall, salt and pepper, giant head, tiny body? (laughter) >> stephen: like a human bob el head but very old, very old. >> no. >> stephen: no? okay, i'm so sorry, carry on. >> anyway-- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: taxi, taxi. >> thank you my good man, thank you my good man. go, go, go, go! he'll never catch me now! >> stephen: oh no? >> jon: dough!
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hey buddy. it's over, jon. >> jon: we can share the money. i don't need all of it, i just-- i just need some of it. the money, we have grown very close and i just really don't think that i can-- . >> stephen: shhh. shhh, jon. >> jon: don't make me, i can't, i can't give the money back. >> stephen: don't worry, jon. you don't have to give the money back. >> jon: no, no stephen, no. >> stephen: you don't have to give it to me, jon. i'm going to take it from you. >> jon: stephen--
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: whooo! the pac is back, beenee! come on, boom, boom, boom, boom! whooo! whooo! whooo! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you!
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thank you! whooo! >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen stlaechl en, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen, thank you, ladies and gentlemen. yes, folks. folks, thank you so much. welcome to the show. good to have you with us. ladies and gentlemen, please. (cheers and applause) ladies and gentlemen, colbert superpac is officially back. and guess-- i feel t i feel it tomorrow is january 31st. when of course we'll all be celebrating black history month eve waiting for frederick douglass to come down the chimney and fill
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our stockings with guilt. but tomorrow is also the deadline for all superpacs to at last file their financial-disclosure reports with the federal election commission. up until now we didn't know who was funding these superpacs. the great day for transparency because tomorrow voters in iowa, new hampshire, south carolina and florida will finally have the vital information that would have been useful before they voted. (laughter) >> stephen: now we, we at colbert superpac have properly filled out all the actual paperwork which we will file at midnight tonight. and post on the colbert superpac web site and which will tell you exactly how much we have raised. i think some people are going to be pleasantly dropping a load in their pants. (laughter) >> stephen: now folks, the filing, this filings also contains the names of every donor who gave us more than $200.
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great americans like ibin yerkinnoff. larry ballsagna. pat magroin and frumunda maballz. and i just want to take a second here to thank all of you donors frumunda my heart. nation, you know i'm always looking out for you. and the news that affects your life. remember that story about brain eating am evenas in louisiana tap watter? i really vud should is have reported on that. this is the threatdown. folks, i meant to report on this next story earlier but i was too busy not running for president. threat number three, president obama. just listen to the shocking revelation he unleashed at a recent fund-raiser at the apollo theatre i-- so in
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love with you ♪ ♪ (cheers and applause) >> stephen: oh my god! i think i just ovulated. now once again, folks, obama is playing his same old dirty political trick of being irresistably appealing. you'll never see newt gingrich stoop that low. but with those pipes obama is going to be unstoppable in 2012, what other sultry talents could he pull out to woo the voters, making husband home cooked frittatas in bed, giving speeches in italian. he knows i can't resist a man who calls me principessa. i mean even, even if the singing is all he's got no other candidate can match his voice. at least in the last election, we had john mccain and his old singing group.
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♪ we represent the lollipop guild ♪ ♪ the lollipop guild ♪. >> stephen: and he might have won if that house hadn't landed on his running mate. but folks, mi calling-- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i am calling-- she will be missed. she will be missed. i am hereby call on the remaining republicans to fight obama's soul music with glam-rock. gentlemen, team up into one supergroup and go the full kiss. newt would be gene simons, although i believe newt has slept with more women. next up, folks, in response to international sanctions, iran has threatened to block the strait of hormuz, a route used to transport 20% of the world's oil and 100% of the world's hormuz. but the u.s. navy has a plan.
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>> one way iran could block the strait is with an assortment of mines. but the u.s. navy has a pretty highly effective strategy to get around that, the secret weapon, dolphins. >> the best protectors of underwater mines are not submarines or satellite communications, they are dolphins. >> stephen: yes, they have trained dolphins to sweep for mines. amazing. yet i can't even get mine to rake the yard! get back it work, kevin! (laughter) >> stephen: i just need someplace to crash for a few weeks. this brings me to threat number two. fundamentalist flippers. i am telling you, folks this will be just like afghanistan. we train the locals to fight our enemies, then they turn on us. before you know t they'll be marine mujahideen. we have seen the footage of their training camps. we know they speak in code.
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>> stephen: i'm pretty sure that's arabic. and need i remind you we dumped osama bin laden in the ocean. it's only a matter of time until he recruits young impressionable male dolphins by promising then an eternity in paradise with 72 herring. we must abandon this dolphin program before it's too late. and they declare jeee-eee-had. (applause) didn't realize-- didn't know i spoke arabic, did you? (laughter) >> stephen: finally, alarming news out of the u.n., in that the u.n. is news. jim? >> police in new york say somebody delivered 35 pounds of cocaine to the united nations last week. they say the coke was stashed inside these two white bags made to look like diplomatic pouches. the head of the securities united nations said somebody probably used the logo in order to bypass inspection at the u. is is mexico border but never intended
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for the package to actually be delivered to the united nations. >> stephen: which brings me to the number one threat in america, coked up diplomats. folks, this is terrifying. with 35 pounds of cocaine, the united nations might actually get something done. i can just see secretary-general ban ki-moon getting jacked up on the all bina rhino and announcing [bleep] let's make one of these resolutions, binding. god, god, i just love-- i love enforcing sanctions. sir ya, are you a [bleep], make out with me now. they are probably as we speak, they are probably on a 36 hour sleepless diplomacy binge with their head phones on saying dude, you have got to hear this translation. no, no, no, play it back. oh [bleep] that is so nuanced. it's like a translation inside a translation inside a condemnation of israel.
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you guys, you know what, let's start a social media company, i'm serious. do you have any idea how easy it would be to cure malaria, we just need mosquito nets and potable water and we can wipe out hunger. punch me in the face right now. don't we know bono. one love, one blood, one life, you've got to-- (applause) i'm so sad, what time is it, [bleep] got to go to bed. ( 3p
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you very much. welcome back, everybody. nation, thank you so much, nation, florida's primary is tomorrow and the two leading gop candidates are going all out for the hispanic vote. but for some reason hispanics get nervous when republicans say they're coming for them. now one reason they might be hesitant is that newt gingrich has found himself in some agua caliente over something he said in 2007. >> we should replace by lingial education with
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immersion in english so people learn the common language of the country and so they learn the language of prosperity, not the language of living in a ghetto. >> stephen: yes, english is the own language of prosperity. but try telling that to richest man in the world mexican billionaire carlos slim. why you no speca da english. of course newt's opponents are making hey out of this ghetto comment, or more accurately hiring guatemalans to make hey for them. just listen this from last week's debate. >> you have had an ad running saying that speaker gingrich calls spanish, quote, the language of the ghetto. >> i doubt that's my ad but we'll take a look and find out. >> we just doable taked it was one of your ads t is running here in florida, and on the radio. and at the end you say i'm mitt romney and a prove this ad. >> stephen: hey, we all endorse things we don't know about. like i had no idea how my
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face got on to every package of stephen colbert's horsey hoofsicles. well, folks, on sunday newt gingrich answered the charges that mitt may or may not have made, jim? >> first of all, when you talk about, you know well, ghetto originally was a term for a jewish neighborhoods in the middle ages. >> stephen: yes, everybody knows that when newt says ghetto he's talking about spanish being the language of jewish neighborhoods in the middle ages. and i for one share newt's concern about these meddive el jewish spanish speaking menaces to society. like hey, get out of here, you ghetto hooligans. back off, hombre, for we are both loco and meshugganeh. oh, here they go. here they go with that ghetto music. camel music. you have a lot of chutzpah, mi hermano. >> stephen: leave my stud why and i will not call los
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federallest. >> amigo, let's leave the schlemil and take a siesta but first we will norb on enchi-latkes, vaya con shalom. >> stephen: learn english you no good -- -- folks this is why we i have always said we need a border wall with the 14th century. we'll be right back. cheefers plaus (cheers and
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is a professor of constitutional law at harvard who taught president bama. you know what they say, those who can do, those who can also become professors at institutional law-- constitutional law at harvard who taught president obama. please welcome lawrence tribe. (cheers and applause) professor tribe, thank you so much for being here. >> thank you. >> stephen: okay. you are a big mucky muck in the world of constitutional law. as i said you taught president obama. he also worked for you, right. >> he was my research assistant for a while. >> stephen: was it hard as a young man, was it hard to understand him through that thick kenyan accent? >> it was the hawaiian ago is sent that i found a little hard. >> stephen: really. >> starting every sentence
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with aloha. >> yes. >> stephen: you also taught chief justice roberts. >> he was a quieter guy. >> stephen: really? >> yeah. >> stephen: but he spoke volumes with his eyes i bet. it was hard to teach him because those crystal blue things. >> i'm not sure how much of what i taught actually, actually made a difference. >> stephen: really? really. so his, you don't see your influence in his decisions. >> actually, when he was swearing in the president i felt pretty good, you know, one guy i taught swearing the other and then they both got the oath wrong. so i thought maybe i really screwed up. >> stephen: when teaching constitutional law you should have taught the constitution. >> i tried. i tried. >> stephen: now. >> it's short. >> stephen: the constitution. >> yeah, very short. >> stephen: how important is it because-- seriously, people talk about it a lot. and there are great things in there, line, liberty, pursuit of happiness, four score in seven years, beer before liquor, all the good stuff is in there. but how is it important for
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us to know it on a daily, how does it affect my life on a daily basis. >> it keeps the government out of your bedroom. it keeps the-- . >> stephen: not always. >> not always, right. >> well, you know, if you are just-- you know, being a normal human being, living your life. >> stephen: what is a normal person in their bedroom, larry. >> well, you know, it's none of the government's business that is the main point. >> stephen: okay, i will buy that. >> but it's an important document it sort of sets up, it's a blueprint for the way the government works. it doesn't always work great, but better than a lot of other countries. >> stephen: you've got an article in here, i subscribe for the article it is called america's constitutional narrative. now in this you say the constitution is not a known. it's a verb. >> right. >> stephen: what does it mean to constitution. >> you know, you sort of live the constitution, you don't just look at it. it's a way we do things. it's the way we conduct our lives. >> stephen: are we constitutioning right now? >> we're sort of
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instituting-- instituting, something, yeah, but the way the constitution works it sort of sets up a government and then it puts together a framework and then we have to live it. it doesn't answer all your questions. >> stephen: yes, it does. >> well, then-- . >> stephen: i'm a constitutional originalist, along with scalia, okay. >> yeah. >> stephen: i do not think, you think this is a living document. >> well, i don't think it's a dead document. i think, the cool thing about it is we can argue about what it means. a lot of it, you know, like liberty what is liberty. >> stephen: freedom. >> what is equality, freedom to do what. >> stephen: be free. >> yeah, right. >> stephen: is that too tough. coy teach at harvard. right? >> yes, could i take your class. >> stephen: you sure could. you are taking my class right now, mister. >> i can sense that (cheers and applause) >> stephen: my favorite decision is citizens united. okay, i love that. >> i can see that okay. >> stephen: because as we know santaa collar lasouthern pacific railroad corporations are people.
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>> whether corporations are persons are or not t doesn't necessarily decide the case. the supreme court said that whoever is talking whether it's a corporation or something else. >> stephen: right. >> people have a right to hear what it is saying. and so even if we said in the constitution corporations are not persons, the law wouldn't change. the only way to change it is to get the court to recognize that democracy is threatened by the flood of money. one of the things that we certainly should do is make sure that who they are gets disclosed. it's not transparent so we don't know if it's viacom talking or if it's general motors talking or if it's chrysler talking it ought to be transparent. >> stephen: but then the voters might take out on the person who gave the money. >> that would be exactly right. >> stephen: that's terrorism. >> no, a lot of people wouldn't want some of this crap to go out if they had to identify themselves with it. >> this is a family show, are you going to -- >> what is your favorite amendment. >> i think the ninth, that's my favorite.
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>> stephen: mine's the 19th. >> in franchising women, that's good too. >> stephen: that's good too. >> you know, don't you want to know why you like the ninth amendment. >> what. i thought you might like to know why i like the ninth amendment. >> stephen: not particularly. why do you like the ninth amendment,. >> because it's the one that stlas are things in the constitution that haven't been figured out yet there are ing thises that aren't written down like privacy. >> stephen: so the ninth amendment just basically says or whatever. thank you so much for joining me. >> thank you, stephen. >> stephen: from the harvard law school, lawrence tribe. we'll be right back. >> stephen: that's it for the report,
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>> stephen: that's it for i blew mine up, and now it smells like my mouth.