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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  February 23, 2012 11:00pm-11:30pm PST

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sharon stone, is back to a no and brook, you'll always believe a no. queen elizabeth. that one's interesting. i'd love to hear the conversation did you hear who daniel [bleep]? no. who? queen e liz beg. >> really >> yup. [bleep] queen elizabeth >> were they dating? >> don't know. i think what we have learned from this bit is that i would never have sex with any woman over the age of 40. but i don't want you guys to freak out. okay? don't neil bad like, oh. what can i do? nothing. i'm pretty sure i wouldn't the sleep with anyone over the age of 30. country. that's a fact. or any woman. good night. [cheers and applause] >> february 23rd, 2012. from comedy central's world news headquarters in new
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york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: hey, welcome to the daily show, my name is jon stewart, your guest tonight, paul rudd. actor paul rudd. paul rudd is going to be on the program tonight, i like having him around, it makes me feel better to sit next to a guest who has absolutely no charm or personal char is ma. son of a pitch, let's begin in arizona, the site of last night's republican debate. believe it or not, the to theth debate of this campaign season. one more and the debate will be able to drink legally. mostly to forget about the terrible things they've heard in these debates. the network for last night's contest, cnn. and they needed to bring everything in their graphics and voice over truck to introduce to you candidates you have already met 19 times prior. >> rick santorum, the late contender. mitt romney, the long
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distance runner. newt gingrich, the determined challenger. ron paul, the delegate hunter. (laughter) >> jon: these four men have got just 48 hours to break into the world's toughest prison. women's prison? it was clear from the opening statement mitt romney has a lot of family in arizona. >> i want to restore america's promise and i'm going to do that-- (applause) >> that's good enough. >> as george kos stanza would say, when they are plauding stop, right. >> jon: two things, one, that's the applause part for the night. i'm going to restore america's promise and-- even romney couldn't believe you were clapping for that pablum. and two, romney, that's not the seinfeld line, it's jerry's line. and it goes like this. >> when you hit that high note, you is say good night and walk off. so don't pretend like you
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watch seinfeld, big phoney. the big question, how would the republican candidates treat newly crowned front-runner rick santorum. the answer, like they was his poppa. >> senator, during your term in congress, the years you've been there, government has doubled in size. >> the senator voted for no child left behind, now he's running on the effort to get rid of it. >> he voted for the bridge to nowhere. >> he literally voted for abortion. because planned parenthood gets the money. >> if you have not supported him f we had said no to arlen specter we would not have obamacare. >> you have a new television ad that labels him a fake. why? >> because he's a fake. (laughter) >> i'm real, i'm real, i'm real. >> congratulations. >> jon: i am real, ron. and if you touch me, you'll feel kind of a salty film on my arm. which i cried when you said those hurty words. what happened next is the reason rick santorum will be
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one more failed not romney. rather than mask his conservative failings with denials or lies or nonsensical twaddle, he attempted to explain the decision-making process behind his transgression. >> i opposed title 10 funding, i always opposed it but it included in a larger a proceed bracing bill that includes a whole lost of other things including the funding for the national institutes of health. >> i made it very clear, in subsequent interviews that i-- i don't support that. i have never supported it. why i supported arlen specter, number one, becaus because-- because, because arlen specter done i supported no child left behind, i supported it. it was the principa principal-- principles priority of president bush. when you are part of the team sometime us take one for the team for the leader and i made a mistake. you know, politics is a team sport, folks. >> jon: boo, boo, i boo your uncomfortably frank assessment of the inner workings of our legislature. boo.
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santorum, are you in a debate this is no place for reasoned arguing. (laughter) show them how it's done, boys. >> we have to have individuals that will stand up for religious conscious and i did and i will again as president. >> i believe this is the most dangerous president on national security grounds in american history. >> and just as arizona is finding out, you can stop illegal immigration. it's time we finally did it. >> not once did anybody in the elite media ask why barack obama voted in favor of legalizing infanticide. so let's be clear here. >> jon: i'm sorry, i think you may have president obama confused with king herod. it is a common mistake, understandable. for month its now these republicans candidates have chris crossed our great nation. meeting hardworking americans in diners on the roadside at truck stops, engaging in 20 televised debates, nearly two days worth, spirited
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give-and-take about the fate and future of this great nation which we love. and yet, it is not settled. can we settle this, please, perhaps in one more chance. john king, the hail mary, if you will. >> without caveats or explanations, please define yourself using one word and one word only. >> jon: oh, man, you so get us! (laughter) >> jon: we could have just done this one word [bleep] at the beginning of the whole shebang. saved ourselves a whole lot of time and money. >> congressman paul? >> consistent. >> jon: i'll give him that. i got to tell you though this is when you really miss recognize perry in the debates, don't you? he is the guy. he's the guy who could actually blow it in one word. could you shall did -- because you can't win it in one word, there is one way, but you could blow this mother [bleep] in one word, couldn't you. rick perry describe yourself in one word, titties, no!
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why did i say that! oh! why did i say titties! that was wrong! oh man! i was going to say niggerhead-- oh, that's two words, oh, why did i say! oh, man. i should have said pancakes, pancakes, oh, that's-- oh-- i have had a ball out here. of course the single word challenge would prove tougher sledding for willard mitt romney, a candidate fighting the perception that he goes where the wind blower, will do anything to win. i'm guessing romney pulled thee vidzers, commissioned a focus group, designed to effectively as possible counter the notion that he is a flip-flopping flip -- >> resolute. (laughter) >> jon: you know there is another kos stanza phrase that applies here. >> it's not a lie if you believe it. (laughter) and then there was newt gingrich who throughout the night articulated a worldview that made him
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sound like he had grown-up during some combination the great depression, several world wars and had the bubonic plague. >> you live in a world of total war fare. we have to genuinely worry about nuclear weapons going off in our own cities. virtually anywhere in the world could be in danger at virtually any minute. we are now look at an abyss all of us are more at risk today, men and women, boys and girls, than at any time in the history of this country. (laughter) >> jon: all right. after all that mi almost afraid to here gingrich's one word for himself. >> mr. speaker. >> cheerful. (laughter)
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>> jon: hey, welcome back to the show. well, in this year's presidential race rick santorum has been surging all over-- lev laugh-- (laughter) >> jon: rick santorum is doing very well, for more on santorum's new found success
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we turn to certificaterier political analyst john oliver. thank you for joining us. (cheers and applause) >> jon, rick santorum might be feeling good about his rise in the polls but he's about the only republican who is. >> santorum is not an ideal candidate. he seems to enjoy those debates, a little too much t scares people. >> the points he is bring up are hurting the party. he should not and will not be our nominee for president. >> jon: wow. now why, what is it about santorum that has republicans so alarmed. >> because, jon, as you saw in the debate he's a little too open and honest about his thoughts and feelings. >> jon: but they are conservative thoughts and conservative feelings. why is that a problem? >> because, republicans aren't idiots, jon. they know that america loves its conservatism cut with plenty of baking powder. because one hit of the pure
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stuff and you'll wake up with eric stoltz strangling you and plunging an adrenaline needle-- need il-- needle into your heart and santorum doesn't get that look how he answered the question of don't ask don't tell. >> what we are doing is playing social experimentation with our military right now. and that's tragic. i would just say that going forward, we would reinstitute that policy of rick santorum was president, period. nice going, [bleep]. you're running for president! donlt people what you are going to do. here's what you should have said. >> we ought to be talking about the economy and jobs. but given the fact you are insistent, the answer is i believe that don't ask don't tell should have been kept in place until conflict was over. >> jon: so he is saying it's okay then for gays to be in the military as long as we are not fighting. is that -- >> is he saying that, jon? is that what is saying? or do you think he's saying
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something else that you would agree with even more. (laughter) >> jon: so you are saying so he's saying every nothing. >> precisely. precisely, jon. >> jon: i get that. >> just like the contraception debate which santorum was stupid enough to make about con extra-- contraception. >> many christian in the 235i9 said well, that's okay, you know, contraception is okay. it's not okay. it's a life sentence to do things in a sexual realm that is counter to what catholics are supposed to be. >> is this your first day in politics, rick? you just made this about controlling a woman's access to health care based on imposing your code of morality upon others. >> jon: but that is what it is about. that is what they are doing. >> right, but you don't tell them that! jon, this is what you tell them. >> it's really not about contraception, it's about violating our first
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amendment rights to religious freedom and conscious. >> i'm a religious man. si have no interest in your lady parts. (laughter) >> i just wish to pray in peace. >> jon: so i guess it's like the state's rights arguments during the early 60 itsee. it was really about he is growgation but you need some kind of agreed upon code to -- >> exactly. and rick, the [bleep] just gave everyone the enigma machine. jon, look at the wealth gap. now that say touchy subject. a majority of americans think there is something unfair in our economic system. but your platform is darwinnian free market. sell it. >> there is income inequality in america. there always has been. and hopefully, and i do say that, there always will be. >> we do not accept that ours will ever be a nation of haves and have nots. we must always be a nation of haves and soon to haves. >> you see? >> jon: okay.
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>> mitch daniels is using a dog whistle where santorum is using one of these. out, jesus. >> dow hear that, jon. >> jon: yes. >> you can hear the difference between this and this. dow hear that. >> jon: okay, yes, stop it! >>s so he's not afraid to state explicitly republican dogma. it's kind of refreshing this is what we should be doing in debates. put ideas out there in the marketplace in their bare form, and let the voters decide, free market. >> no, no, no. we should not be doing that, jon. and i will show you why. because then voters have to take your platform to its logical conclusions. for instance, rick santorum is pro-life. consistently in a principlesed way in all situations. so let's play that out, we. >> i believe and i think the right approach is to accept this horribly created, in the sense of rape, but nevertheless gift in a very
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broken way, the gift of human life and accept what god is giving to you, as you know, we have to, lots of different aspects of our life we have horrible things happen. i can't think of anything more horrible, but nevertheless, we have to make the best out of a bad situation. >> jon: you're saying he just needs to have like a soon to have mitch daniels type euphemism for you have to carry your rape baby. >> exactly. >> jon: so that's why romney gets the nomination. >> precisely, jon. not that the republicans want romney, they just accept what god has given to them. (laughter) >> this horribly created gift, and out of something bad, to make the best. >> jon: of a bad situation. >> of a bad situation. >> jon: thank you, jon olver, everybody. we'll be right back.
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(cheers and applause) >> jon: hey, welcome back, my guest tonight, i like this fella, i like this fell
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a coming up. his new film is called wanderlust. >> welcome. >> thank you. >> welcome. >> hmmmm, that's italian. these grapes were grown right here in georgia, so the proper word wab delicious. >> i'm going let that go. >> let what go. >> you know what i will show you the method to my madness, okay. first, got to put on the old dangle bag, just in case. >> just in case of what. >> you know,-- . >> jon: please welcome back to the show, paul rudd. (cheers and applause)
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>> jon: i want to tell you something that was a wonderful gesture, today we have a group in hear, they're diabetic, and what you have done here is a travesty. >> you killed our audience. nice job. >> thanks. >> jon: what's happening? >>. >> well, i've been doing a lot of work with the slinsers, as you can see. >> jon: can i tell you something and respectfully again to the audience this bowl has been in the green room, it's got to be since 2007. i don't know that we've changed it. >> there are some-- there are some milky ways in there with kilborn's picture on them. >> thank you. >> jon: see this right here, tootsie mold that can't be right. >> that doesn't sound right. >> jon: no, that doesn't. let me do this interview in the proper way. let me handle this in the proper way. paul winchester rudd,
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actor-- what you have got there. >> bottle caps. >> jon: how are those, what are in them. >> they're good. >> jon: sweet tart. >> no, bottle caps are better than sweet tart. >> jon: that's a sweet tart. >> these are the best. >> jon: oh my god, it's an actual bottle cap, oh my god. it's got urine on it. from the street. >> from me, they were in my pocket. >> jon: how often, how often do you think a company takes a candy like a sweet tart and just says oh, you know what would be a great candy, sweet tarts. and somebody with be like that exists. and they're like not if you call it bottle caps t doesn't. they just change the name. >> yeah, tart and tinis. >> jon: i don't know tart and tinies. >> they're great. but you don't see them as much any more. but they were like these. i feel ill. i'm not kidding. i had five packs of these in the green room. >> jon: right. >> you know i always say to my children, moderation.
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you don't swallow them like tylenol. what are you doing? >> now-- that last one wasn't a bottle cap. >> jon: oh my god that was a nickel. >> it was a nickel. >> it was a nick nel your pocket. is that a midwestern, kansas, i never heard of i tart and tiny. >> something when i was a kid. dow remember tart and tinis. i don't think it was midwestern but a marathon bar, all the old kind of vintage candy. >> jon: dow recall the sky bar t had like five different fillings in it. and one was like carmel and then white milky juice and then-- orange juice was one of them, i think. >> i don't know. >> jon: hot dogs. one of those things was hot dogs. really disgution, that was pie favorite. because just, you could convince yourself that it was an exciting surprise in every bite. >> a horrible bomb pop.
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>> jon: the bomb pop, dow remember the ones that used to have the bubble gum, you what get through the entire thing and at the very base of it would be, what was it-- no no, this was an ice cream. >> screwball. >> jon: it was a screwball-- you know what is sad a lot of audiences they will shout things out about philosophy and things like that, my audience is, that's a charleston chew! it's a complete, they're all sugar rush. but i don't even know, wanderlust-- what a terrific film. what a terrific job you've done, jennifer aniston your costar, david wayne, a very talented writer, director created this. >> yeah. >> put you in it. tell me about this film, you your role there it. >> all right. >> jon: balancesy move, by the way, putting this thing out two days before the
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oscars, cutting it pretty tight for your nomination. >> i know. i couldn't believe it. no recognition whatsoever from the academy. >> jon: well. >> what are you going to does, original it was called the help. >> jon: i like that. >> but a whole legal issue, apparently there's another movie. >> jon: you work together a lot. are you doing another one, american summer the sequel. >> there is a lot of talk about it, yeah. >> jon: i just brought it up. >> they're writing it. david wayne and michael are. >> jon: how many junkets have you been on recently. >> i'm not. >> jon: your brain is fried. >> i'm not kidding you. mi sugar rushed out of my brain. i really just have been eating so much. >> jon: i am also an emt, i know what to do with this, you have a sugar rush, as soon as this is done i will get you back there we will get you an iv of smoked meats. we will get -- >> fill me full of jerkie.
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>> jon: 50 yccs of pastrami that salt is going to take down, by the end of this you will have a goiter but you'll feel, you'll feel better. >> that is what i need. >> jon: i'm sorry. >> a big salty goiter. >> jon: are you all right. >> right there you got it, right there. >> jon: wanderlust is in the theatres on friday, academy award-winning actor paul rudd. (cheers and applause)>
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