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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  December 3, 2012 10:30am-11:00am PST

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(cheers and applause). >> jon: here it is, your moment of zen. >> that was a new alert animation. it scared me a little bit! look at that! (laughs) look at that, captioning sponsored by comedy central >> stephen: tonight, there's a war on men! it's like the war on women, but the soldiers are paid 25% less. (laughter) then will the senate put an end to the filibuster? i'll tell you in a segment that never ends. (laughter) and my guest, frank oz has a new director's cut of "little shop of horrors."
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it's got 20 bonus minutes of rick moranis nude scenes. g.m. and apple are teaming up to bring siri to cars. or as siri understood it, eminem and snap rl teaming up to bring cherrys to mars. (laughter) this is "the colbert report." ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the "report" everybody, good to have you with us. thank you so much. (audience chanting "stephen") thank you so much, please sit down! let's get to our top story tonight.
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television host stephen colbert has announced his resignation from "the colbert report" effective immediately. (laughter) because, folks, i am stinking filthy rich! (laughter) jimmy, tell them why! >> power bavl sales are skyrocketing, upping both the jackpot and the odds that somebody will actually win the big prize tonight. it sits at $550 million. >> stephen: $550 million! suck my powerball! (laughter and applause) jimmy, play my jam. ♪ you're a rich girl and you've gone too far ♪ because you know it don't matter anyway -- ♪ (cheers and applause) ♪ you can rely on the old man's money -- ♪ >> stephen: now -- (laughs) whoo! (cheers and applause) now i know that lotto money is
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going to be mine, okay? even though the drawing hasn't happened yet, even though the odds of winning are 175 million to one. because i bought 175 million tickets. (laughter) and i'm guaranteed to win, because every single one of these babies has the exact same lucky numbers. (laughter) all right? so it's in the bank. i am megarich! no more slaving away for the man 30 minutes a day four days a week. (laughter) look, it's been a great run, it's been fun, but let's face it i'm not doing this show for my health! just look at any picture of me from seven years ago. (laughter) now i can afford to build a time machine and go back and warn that guy not to do this show! we're dying! (laughter) anyway, call your friends because the partay is going to
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be bumping in my new mansion! we've got two pools: one shaped like the squirrel from "ice age 2" one shaped like the squirrel from "ice age 3." (laughter) i got a basketball court in every room. weekends i pay yao ming to go one on one against ming the merciless. ming on ming! and i'm never going to be lonely again because my house is filled with cousins i've never heard of who need money. of course they're family, i want them get back on their feet after their release. (laughter) and the drugs, oh, primo uruguayian electric pop rock. (laughter) of course, all those drugs make me paranoid that those friends who keep showing up don't really care about me, just about my squirrel pool. (laughter) so i'll start gambling, playing the ponies. and not just upcoming races but also past races. oh, god, i can't believe i lost $320 20-million on the 1982 belmont stakes!
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curse you, crystal sins! (laughter) now the money's drying up, people don't come around anymore. my wife and my kids don't recognize me because i paid cosmetic surgeons to make me look like an olson twin. (laughter) (cheers and applause) so my family walks out on me. but that's okay, i got that new girlfriend, cinnamon. and she loves me for me, money. (laughter) and she leaves me for ming the merciless! how could you do me like, that ming? bros before hos! oh, my god, how has my life come to this? i wish i'd never won the lotto. (laughter) i didn't win. oh. oh, god, thank god. okay, back to the salt mine.
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(laughter) from now on, no more stupid gambles, i'm going to keep my money safe in the stock market. (laughter) nation -- (cheers and applause) nation, there is a war on traditional marriage in this country did you know many of those brides and grooms on the top of wedding cakes aren't legally married? you're frosting in sin! now the threat to traditional marriage is coming from inside the couple. >> the importance of marriage among women rose 9 percentage point from 1997 from 28% to 37%. but those women aren't finding men to marry. apparently because men are less interested, dropping from 35% to 29%. >> stephen: shocking! women want to get married more than men do. (laughter) that's from the same researchers who found that women ten to scratch their balls less than men. (laughter and applause)
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true. shocking. are these chilling marriage statistics mean there are millions of women who may never walk down the aisle, and that brings us tonight's word. (cheers and applause) sisters are doing it to themselves. folks, when it comes to matters of the woman, i always turn to one source:. i turn to fox news. >> their web site recently addressed why so many women can't get married. according to fox contributors, it's all part of the war on men. she writes "i've accidentally stumbled upon a subculture of men who've told me they're never getting married. when i ask them why the answer is always the same: women aren't women anymore." right, women aren't women anymore! that's why, fellas, always look for the adams apple, okay? (laughter) that's a pro tip. then look for the adam's we us in. (laughter) because you know what they say, fool me once.
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(laughter) now, folks, this hard truth has been attacked in the mainstream media. it evidently ruffled a lot of lady feathers. at least i think they have feathers, i'm not sure. i a lot of them pluck these days. of course, this thin-skinned reaction won't surprise banker. in the article, she wrote that "what if the derth of good men is women's fault? since the sexual revolution, men haven't changed much but women have changed dramatically. in a nutshell, women are angry, they're also defensive." women are angry and defensive. you need proof? go up to any single woman and say "the reason you're not married is because you're angry and defensive." (laughter) and not only -- (applause) not only are today's shrill haarpys scaring good quality men away from marriage, but also making these men deadbeats!
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banker says the rise of women has pissed men off and underundermineded men's ability in the hopes of someday supporting a family. men want to love women, not compete with them! yeah, men hate women who compete with them! that's why it's so rare for men to be attracted to women in the workplace. (laughter) i mean, what man wants a woman providing the money while he stays home to do what? witness his child taking its first steps? i mean, people before and, frankly, babies aren't that good at it. (laughter) men want paperwork! we want a grinding commute to sit in the cube = all day long taking crap from from from that jerkoff rick! (laughter) luckily banker sees a way to liberate women and men from these liberated women. all the ladies have to do is "surrender to their nature,
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their femininity, and let men surrender to theirs. if they do, marriageable men will come out of the woodwork." yes, just surrender and those men will come out of the woodwork like cockroaches in a darkened crab shack. (laughter) but ladies, ladies, you can do more by doing less. maybe stop voting or stop talking. i mean is, what are you girls thinking? i mean, follow miss banker's advice and you single gals will finally be able to live out every woman's wildest dream: marrying a man who doesn't want you to achieve anything. and as a man on behalf of women everywhere, thank you, susan banker. i trust you will lead the charge by getting out of the writing business clearly it's not in your nature. and that's the word. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thanks so much. nation, i have been saying far month now that once the presidential election is over i hope we'll finally see bipartisan compromise in washington. and i siner is vie mean that i said it. (laughter) sadly, the power-mad democrats decided that just because people voted for them, they're in
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power. and they're already trampling our freedoms. >> reporter: democrats are proving yet again they will do anything to push through their liberal agenda. now they have gone a step too far. senate democrats with harry reid leading the charge want to drastically change the filibuster in order to limit the republicans' ability to oppose certain legislation. >> stephen: yes, harry reid is trying to stop republicans from blocking certain legislation. for instance, any legislation. he's chipping away at the sacred senatorial institution known as the filibuster which allows the minority party to prevent a bill from coming to a vote simply by speaking non-stop on the senate floor. for instance, by reading the phone book. that's how, in 1974, the d.c. metro area yellow pages were signed into law. (laughter) the courts have since repeatedly upheld that clay's audio has the most far out selection of 8-tracks in town. but in 1975, this rule was changed so that a senator didn't
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have to actually speak, merely state his intention of launching a filibuster. a technique made famous in the classic movie "mr. smith goes to washington and expresses his intention to late dore something." (laughter) now, harry reid's doing this because he claims republicans are abusing the filibuster. >> i have faced 386 filibusters. >> stephen: 386 filibusters during harry reid's six years as majority leader. and given how little congress works, some of that has to be mitch mcconnell stopping by harry reid's family dinner to block passage of the mashed potato. (laughter) but i say so what? that's just politics. and mitch mcconnell is warning it could get worse. >> if the majority chooses to end the filibuster, if they choose to change the rules and put an end to democratic debate then the fighting, the bitterness, and the gridlock
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will only get worse. in the name of efficiency they would prevent the very possibility of compromise and threaten to make the disputes of the past few years look like mere pillow fights. >> stephen: he's right. to me they already look like pillow fights. i'm pretty sure joe lieberman's jowls are memory foam. (laughter) so you've been warned, harry reid! take away mitch mcconnell's filibuster and he will strike back by obstructing everything you do! or let him keep the filibuster so he can obstruct everything you do! (laughter) i think the choice is clear. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is the original voice of both yoda and cookie monster. i'll ask him if four cookie cs. please welcome frank oz. (cheers and applause) thank you, hey, nice to meet you frank oz. can i call you frank oz. >> you can. >> stephen: frank oz -- >> can i just say something? >> stephen: yes. >> my favorite part of your show bar none is when you introduce the guest and you come here and take a bow. (laughter) i love that. >> stephen: well, i've got to give these people what they want. >> it's great. (cheers and applause)
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>> stephen: well, that's great to hear. >> i mean it, i think it's hysterical, and you deserve it. >> stephen: thank you, i put the most thought into it. >> of course. >> stephen: well, everybody knows you, of course, as being the voice of miss piggy, the voice of grover, the voice of foz zi bear, the voice of animal and the voice of yoda. >> yeah, it's so weird, though. >> stephen: what's weird. >> that you say "the voice of." so what who does the character? >> stephen: the person does. fozzie the character. >> stephen: >> physically how is it? >> stephen: well, isn't there a real yoda? oh, okay, so you do all that stuff. >> it's so weird. people are so used to animation that people just do the voices, but when the performers, the muppets do it, it's -- the voices are only 10%, the rest is 90% of it. >> stephen: okay. okay. >> 92%. >> stephen: do you ever get
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pissed off that people recognize the muppet more than they recognize you? (laughter) i mean, because -- are you ever tempted to make a muppet that looks exactly like frank oz so you can get a little bit of that muppet love yourself? (laughter) not that you're not slightly muppetish. >> i'm thrilled. i can -- i can be -- be the star and then i can go buy my pork and beans or do my laundry. >> stephen: that sounds like a beautiful, beautiful day. pork and beans and laundry. you live the high life, man! you are living the dream! >> mundane stuff like that, it's wonderful. >> stephen: are there muppet grouppys? like animal is a drummer. does animal get any action? >> what do you mean action? >> stephen: what? >> what do you mean action? >> stephen: groupies, man, we're all adults. action, muppet sex. (laughter) >> so you said it. >> stephen: you made me say it.
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>> i didn't ask you. >> stephen: i insinuated and you exsin waited. >> i might have drawn you out, but it was there. >> stephen: do muppets have sex? (laughter) >> what? (laughter) >> stephen: i'm wondering how you get new muppets, is all i'm asking. how do you get new muppets? >> i'm a big boy. >> stephen: we're all adults here. >> well, i don't actually -- i haven't performed there the muppets for many years and when i did i didn't make the characters. there was a tremendous amount of people who were very talented who were the workshop who made the characters. >> stephen: so that's where the action is. >> i can't tell you what actually happens there, whether there's action or not. >> stephen: it's a family show. >> but it was done in the workshop. >> stephen: okay, good. you were famous for directing "little shop of horrors." >> i am. >> stephen: it's a cult classic from 1986. >> around there. >> stephen: 25th anniversary of the movie is coming.
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there's a new ending on the end. >> yes. well, it's the original ending. >> stephen: not the ending i saw. i saw it in the theater, it had a happy ending. >> it had a happy ending, but the original ending-- which is about a million dollars worth of work by richard conway-- was excised about 25 years ago because the scores were so low that they would not rethere's movie --. >> stephen: when they do market testing? showed it to the audience? >> and i didn't do the market testing. i was there at a san jose screening and they loved the show until we killed the two stars ellen and rick. so therefore howard ashman, who is brilliant-- and i knew we had to do it-- we had to have a happy ending. >> stephen: let's look at the original ending. we'll show it right here. (screaming) (laughing) ♪
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>> stephen: that was a little table top -- >> it was a little taste of --. >> stephen: that was table top -- >> that's all real. about a million dollars. that was about a year's work. >> stephen: that's the end of the world! >> yes, yes. >> stephen: and in the first version you had a happy ending. do you prefer that or this? >> howard and i both preferred that. >> stephen: why didn't you just stick to your guns? >> because i know when i'm in an audience and i can feel them totally against me --. >> stephen: right now, like right now. >> like now. (laughter) it's a very well-known feeling i have. then i don't need cards. and we did a second preview in los angeles and i ask david geffen if we could do it again, same thing happened. >> stephen: so why change it? i paid good money to see the happy ending in 1986. why change this? you had a perfectly fine -- you don't change the ending to a classic, you know? you don't change rose bud into a
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snow cone machine. >> stephen: you prefer the happy ending? >> i enjoy whatever ending i paid for originally. i'm a conservative and i don't like things to change. (laughter) >> okay. i just wanted to do it -- i would have asked you first, but i wanted to -- (laughter) i wanted -- i should have. i just wanted to give richard conway his dues. his team did all the work so that's why i wanted to do it. >> stephen: all right, okay. are you going to change the ending of any other movies? make those downers? >> no, i promise i won't. >> stephen: really. >> no. >> stephen: end of "in and out" maybe kevin klein is crushed to death? something like that? >> (laughs) >> stephen: bert and ernie, that's a straight situation, right? (laughter) totally straight? because i hear things. are you ever tempted to use your character's voices to get out of bad situations? >> like what situations? >> stephen: jump into yoda when you're pulled over and say (as
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yoda) "not speeding, was i, officer?" (laughter) >> no. >> stephen: you're missing out on a great opportunity. >> (laughs) >> stephen: what's it like living your life? i know they're not voices, they're characters, but what is it like being famous for a character who isn't you? who gets to say and do things you don't get to do? (laughter) i'm asking for a friend. (laughter) is that fun? did you enjoy that? >> (laughs) frank, thank you so much for joining me. frank oz. "little shop of horrors" we'll be right back. (cheers and applala ,x
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