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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  January 10, 2013 1:30am-2:00am PST

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>> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 1 1-67b8g here it is your moment of zen. >> johnny michaels mixologist play some football out there. >> sure is nice playing under a retractible glass roof. >> go head. it worked in
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[eagle caw] >> stephen: tonight, is america >> gun control. is america finally ready. aim fire! [ laughter ] then, america's troubling new food addiction. and my guest neal shubin is a paleontologist who found a missing link between sea and land creatures. du,-aquaman. 2012 of the hottest year on record. we think. the record burst into flames. this is "the colbert report". ["the colbert report" theme
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music playing] captioning sponsored by comedy central [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen [ welcome to the broadcast. good to have you with us. please. [cheers and applause] thank you so much. [cheers and applause] folks, i have a great responsibility with this show. i am a national taste-maker. when i endorse a product on my show, it takes off. you're welcome "the candwich." [ laughter ] sandwich in the can. it's the future. [ laughter ] now, i try to never use that power for evil or for free. [ laughter ]
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so tonight i want to tell you about an exciting new real estate opportunity. it's a walled and armed community of up to 7000 families living on 3000 acres in the mountains of idaho called "the citadel." [ laughter ] not to be confused with the armed community of 1.5 million people living in the mountains of idaho, called idaho. [ laughter ] now, folks, the citadel offers everything a patriot could ask for, including a firearms factory, [ laughter ] firearms museum, [ laughter ] shooting ranges, even a library. [ laughter ] because after a long day of building guns, admiring guns, and shooting guns, sometimes you just want to kick back and read about guns. [ laughter ] here, at the citadel you'll be safe from the federal thugs and the co-op board. because in addition to boasting that it has "no leader," the citadel also promises, "there will be no homeowner's association and there will be no recycling police."
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[ laughter ] so go ahead and mix your glass, paper and plastic. [cheers and applause] you're free now. [ laughter ] all you have to do is just fill out the application on the citadel's website, which asks your standard home buyer questions like: "are you now, or have you ever been a member of, or associated with any racist group or subversive association that espouses the violent overthrow of these united states or any individual state? if so, please elaborate." [ laughter ] yes! please elaborate! this is your chance to have someone fully read your 700-page manifesto on how the cia is collaborating with foreign bankers to rig the results on the voice. [ laughter ] oh, wake up. [ laughter ] then just submit your $208 application fee, payable in gold and or silver. [ laughter ]
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as the founders intended. or, as the founders also intended with paypal. [ laughter ] of course, you must solemnly pledge to uphold the citadel's 13-point patriot agreement which includes provisions "that every able-bodied patriot shall maintain one ar-15, at least 5 magazines and 1,000 rounds of ammunition..." and "annually demonstrate proficiency with the rifle by hitting a man-sized steel target at 100 yards with open sights," and "demonstrate proficiency with a handgun by hitting a man-sized steel target at 25 yards with open sights." [ laughter ] hitting man-sized steel targets of course, the only way to be prepared for invasions by tony stark. [ laughter ] and folks, i gotta tell you, i'm seriously thinking about moving to the citadel because make no mistake-- they're coming for our guns. and we freedom-loving gun-lovers are totally defenseless!
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other than, you know, the guns. [ laughter ] right now, gun control talk is suddenly everywhere for reasons i don't want to get into because it undermines my position. [ laughter ] and as a result, our dear leader obama is more determined than ever to take away our guns in that he has never tried to take away our guns. [ laughter ] but last week, he appointed reich marshal biden to head up a gun safety task force that will convene a "series of meetings" and "offer recommendations--" "in an effort to build consent for action." meetings? recommendations? effort? [ laughter ] folks, that is a slippery slope to jackbooted powerpoint presentations. [ laughter ]
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now, fortunately, folks, there are rational voices out there, who have a reasoned response to those who want gun regulation. >> now get a gun and go after her hide! well said. and sam's not alone. standing with him is nra head wayne lapierre, who in the wake of unimaginable tragedy, put forth a simple plan to reassure our troubled nation. >> i call on congress today to act immediately to appropriate whatever is necessary to have put armed police officers in every single school in this nation. >> stephen: yes, just put armed officers in every school. they can work it into the prom theme: enchantment under the siege. [ laughter ] and folks-- [cheers and applause]
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patriots like arizona sheriff joe arpaio are already implementing lapierre's vision. >> a controversial arizona sheriff has a plan for stopping gun violence in schools. he wants an armed posse of volunteers to stand guard. >> i have decided to now send a posse out, the armed posse to the schools. >> stephen: thank god. [ laughter ] because nothing reassures parents more than surrounding their kids with the kind of guys with a lot of weapons and nothing to do on weekdays. [ laughter ] these are the kind of reasonable solutions we need instead of blaming the real victims: guns. you see, former nra president marion hammer knows that outlawing assault weapons is really just another form of discrimination. >> banning people and things because of the way they look went out a long time ago, but here they are again. the color of a gun, the way it looks. [ laughter ]
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>> stephen: so sad, banning a gun based on it's color. i'm sure if dr. king were alive, he'd be standing with the nra because it's just a little too convenient to be blaming guns for gun violence. [ laughter ] especially when the nra has identified the real culprits. >> vicious, violent video games, blood-soaked slasher films, our nation's refusal to create an active national database of the mentally ill. >> stephen: clearly, the reason we have more gun deaths than anyone else in the industrialized world isn't the guns. it must be that america is the only country in the world that has video games. we're the only country that has
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violent movies and we're the only country with crazy people. [ laughter ] maybe not the only country, but certainly we've got the craziest people. [ laughter ] and you don't have to take my word for it. >> if it's crazy to call for putting police in and securing our school to protecdt our children, then call me crazy. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: i don't know about you, but i agree with wayne lapierre. you, sir, are (bleep) in the head. we'll be right back. x
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[cheers and applause] >> stephen: thanks. [cheers and applause] welcome back. thank you sox. [cheers and applause] you know, they say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. so never let they operate you on. this is thought for food. folks, there's no question this country has a drug problem, what with coke, ecstasy, and bath salts out there, many parents
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smoke medical marijuana just for their anxiety. [ laughter ] but now there's a new substance we're all hooked on. >> dr. william davis says a loaf of bread is just as addictive as crack. [ laughter ] >> it's addictive. plain and simple. >> stephen: that's right: bread. dough. satan's loaf. the crusty crank. dropping some pumpernickel, chasing the multigrain dragon. [cheers and applause] and folks -- [cheers and applause] folks -- and just what makes the yeast beast so addictive? >> there's something in modern wheat called gliadin, that was changed by the efforts of geneticists to change the properties of this plant, mostly to increase yield. and the unintended effect is that it increases appetite. you can't help yourself. you have one bagel you want more.
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>> stephen: today's wheat is the primo. (bleep). it's not like the (bleep) toast your uncle buttered at woodstock. and folks, this is personal for me. because i used to ride the white-bread pony. i thought i could handle it. just some crackers with my cheese a baguette among friends, maybe a croissant to take the edge off. before i knew it, i was waking and baking. [ laughter ] but now i'm a parent, and like the folks at cbs news, i want to look out for the children. so tonight, i'm proud to launch a new campaign to educate the kids on the dangers of wheat. move over mcgruff the crime dog! it's time for "mcgnaw the gluten-free beaver." [cheers and applause] hi, mcgnaw! >> hey, stephen! hey, kids! [cheers and applause]
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>> stephen: mcgnaw, i understand you've got an important message for today's youth. >> yeah! kids, stay away from wheat if you want to grow up big and strong like your old pal, mcgnaw! yom yom yom! >> stephen: now what if someone tries to offer them wheat, mcgnaw? >> well, just say "gnaw"! then tell someone you trust, like a parent, or a teacher -- or a beaver! [ laughter ] >> stephen: great advice. so what "should" kids eat? >> well, instead of wheat, you can eat healthy things like fruits or vegetables or wood! [ laughter ] >> stephen: that's right, kids. wait, what was that last one? >> wood! yom yom yom! [ laughter ] >> stephen: okay, um, mcgnaw, i'm not entirely sure eating wood is good idea.
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[ laughter ] >> no, stephen-- it's a great idea! leaf it to beaver-- it's incredi-bark-able! laugh -- [ laughter ] >> stephen: it's a great in theo. your core message still solid but humans can't digest wood. >> have you ever tried it? >> stephen: no, i haven't. >> then how "wood" you know? wood! wood! >> stephen: okay, kids, don't eat wood. it's dangerous and dumb advice. >> hey, stephen, i've got something you can eat-- me! huh? [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] i got your wood right here, stephen. >> stephen: okay, that's enough. that's enough! kids, do not eat wheat, also do not eat wood.
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>> wait a minute, kids who are you going to believe, hu snrks this old man or mcgnaw the gluten free beaver. eat wood! [crowd changt eat wood] >> stephen: shut up! don't listen to him! stop it he's not a real beaver. he's just some stupid actor in a beaver costume. [audience reacts] >> great. great. nice improv, jagoff. [ laughter ] you just destroyed this illusion for a whole generation of children who have come to love and trust mcgnaw. >> stephen: you were telling them to eat wood. [ laughter ] do you not know that's a choking hazard? >> how should i know? i don't have kids. i had a vasectomy.
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[ laughter ] >> stephen: you know what, get out and leave the beaver head backstage. [audience reacts] >> look, man. i'm really sorry. i'm just on edge because i haven't had any wheat today. [ laughter ] stoonchts okay, look here say bag of hot dog buns. do you -- >> yeah! [cheers and applause] i gotta call my sponsor. >> stephen: don't eat wheat, kids! we'll be right back. [cheers and applause]
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you so much. [cheers and applause] my guest tonight says the universe's 14-billion year history can be seen in human bodies. especially before i put my makeup on. please welcome neal shubin! [cheers and applause] thank you so much. nice to see you again. thanks for coming banch good to see you. >> let's give the people your quite impressive tv -- you are the associated dean of biological science it's university of chicago. [cheers and applause] you are known for your 2004 discovery of so-called missing link between fish and land animals, the fossil. which we've had on the show. he's a great guy. [ laughter ] okay. your new book is called "the universe within: discovering the common history of rocks, plan thes and people."
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what are you talking about? >> [ laughter ] what common. i'm not related to a plant, okay? i'm in the related to -- >> you absolutely are. >> stephen: i am not, okay. [ laughter ] i have questionable uncles but -- not a ficus. why am i related to a plant? >> the evolution of life is baitsd on the shared similarities creatures have. we see that in the dna of every creature on the planet from microrobes to worms to trees to plants to she rubs to poison ivy to people. there's a shared history. >> stephen: is that because we all interbred on the arch? >> it's been about 3.5 billion years of proceed withing. >> stephen: about 6,000 years. [ laughter ] i don't mean to blow hole until your theory there. the evidence might say otherwise. >> stephen: the might or it might not. how am i related to a rock. a rock was never alive.
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>> it's such a beautiful story. we have a shared history with rocks. if you look at rocks and people, the atoms in the bodies arose in the bing bang and the stellar processes the supernoaf. the water arose from the solar system the biological processes which shaped the organs were related to the planets. it's layer after layer of history. the evidence is the layers of rocks, the chemistry of the bodies from the dna inside it to the and tom call structures to the fossils we find in the rocks around the world. it's multiple lines of evidence pointing to over 3.5 billion years of history in the body. >> stephen: why must you make me feel small? [ laughter ] why are you scientists hell bent on crushing the individualality of a man, of the feeling that there's a devine spark of uniqueness inside of me? it's not a better feeling.
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>> stephen: no, no, no it's not about our feeling it's about my feeling. [cheers and applause] okay? what is the value? what is the value of knowing that i am related to -- you say i'm related to jupiter, you say. >> you most definitely are. >> stephen: you are, too. >> jupiter is our planet teary cousin. it's the largest in the solar system. it orbit changes ever so often. every 10,000, 20,000, 40,000, 100,000 years. these are cycles and on cycles. they lead to changes in the glaciers stnches not global warming. >> it's jupiter impact its the. the human history and evolution is based on that it's a pre found deep connection we share, us as humans not only to plants not only to mieb robes to rocks, the -- microbes, everything, the
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whole universe. >> stephen: everything was generated in the turnas of primordial stars. >> yes, exactly. >> stephen: did you just mock the way i said. that you were like yeah, whatever. did you say whatever to me when i'm trying to swallow the bitter pill of your knowledge? [ laughter ] are we still evolving? >> most definitely. >> stephen: then how come i don't have claws? i want some. >> you need variation noors trait stoonchts the fact that i'm reit willed to rocks and people does that mean i'm not related to monkeys? >> no, no if you are worried about being related to monkeys it's the rocks, planets and worms that are the real problems there. >> stephen: you already said i'm reit willed to a fish, right? >> yeah, the challenge i'm taking it to rocks and planets and stellar processes and the bang bang and so forth. it's the unity of all physical entities in the universe. >> stephen: can you get me $5
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worth of whatever it is -- [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] you don't eat a lot of wheat, do you? [ laughter ] doctor, thank you so much for joining me neil shubin, "the universe within." we'll be right back. [cheers and applause]
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