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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  January 11, 2013 1:00am-1:30am PST

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and he immediately, like, oh, oh... drug, drug. "ah, i'm getting sleepy." and her friend's like, "what?" and he just looks at her and goes, "side effect. rohypnol, rape drug." he comes back, opens his door, he's got a young asian boy. he's got all three of them strapped down there, and he's explaining the positions, a, b, and c. and listen, everyone in here's like, "a." the next shot, like, you see this blanket over what is [bleep] three people ass to mouth. but you're just, like, so excited. like, take the blanket off. they start crawling, and all of a sudden, it happens. and then he turns like this and goes, "i'm so sorry." when the doctor goes back downstairs... human centipede's gone. he's like, "i know i left it down here." first of all, what i would have done in hour one is just [bleep] yanked away. i'm out of here. the asian is like, listen, i've had enough of this. right in front of the doctor just goes rah! do you really wanna make it at this point?
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right. so the girl in the back is like, uh, i've had enough. she dies. so now it's just two dead cops, dead doctor, dead a, dead c. and the camera just pans out and, like, up into the sky. and that's the end of the movie. now i'm sure we had to cut some of that out. so to see the complete spoiler alert, head on over to our blog. see you next week. good night. captioning by captionmax from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: hello, everybody.
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welcome to "the daily show". any name is jon stewart. our guest tonight mr. josh brolin is going to be here. he will talk about his experience with zen buddahism like jeff bridges last night that his to rewatch to understand. our credit got downgraded last year. i think we can agree it's time to get serious to figure out to restore the world's respect for the soundness of curn cinch a $1 trillion platinum down be minted and the government could use that to pay the debt. [ laughter ] >> jon: um, i'm -- [ laughter ] ah not an economist -- [ laughter ] -- but we're going to make (bleep) up, i say good big or go home. how by dool 20 trillion coin. forget about it say i was digging through the white house
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curbs and eisenhower had the $100quillion coin around. i know it's real because it has our nation's symbol a uniform with a centure. that traditional america is gone now, please don't look that up. how would it work? >> in theory the treasury would mint the coin and walk it over the federal reserve for deposit so the government could pay it bills. >> jon: really? really mr. tibbl snerks. [ laughter ] i don't want to bust your bibbles here, but you know you are only holding a quarter, snriet sure they could mint a trillion dollar coin and walk it over the treasury even though it could be the most tempting walk in history because we know the store across the street is chocolate, blowjobs and beyond. you definitely want to --
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[ laughter ] you know, we don't need some trillion dollar coin gimmick. we need to take the u.s. dollar serious again. >> president obama will nominate his chief of staff at the white house jack lew toll bet next -- to be the next treasury secretary. >> it will be his signature at the bottom of our currency. it will look something like this. [ laughter ] >> jon: that injure signature? or jut -- that is your significant in signature or are you testing to see if the pen works? [ laughter ] hey, lew, shire -- here is a tip, stop signing your checks on the teacup ride at disney world. [ laughter ] the only way you are allowed to have that as your signature is if your name is booooing, boooing, please come firm jack lew.
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please confirm jack lew. i have to have this man as treasury secretary. seriously if this guy gets confirmed it would be the second most ridiculous signature only to appear on our money thanks to buchanan's secretary oliver lewis ottingham. i see the audience went to seventh grade like i did. [ laughter ] i'm 50. can can tell you why guy who will find him rolling in jack lew doodle stacks as money will soon be called, al gore. >> former vice president al gore say richer man tonight about $100 million richer after selling his little watched cable channel current tv to the arab news channel al jazeera. >> jon: oh, man!
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former democratic vice president turned climate-change crusader sells openly liberal cable channel to a muslim. ladies and gentlemen, i think we have our first fox boner alert of 2013. [cheers and applause] >> al jazeera owned by the oil sheik dom of qatar, right. big gore who hates big oil is making a ton of money by selling it to big oil. >> jon: it's a legitimate point, actually. you would think if woe sell to toms of maine or pedal air, the world's only bicycle based airline. well played, fox. you got him. >> as it turns out the liberal multimillionaire mogul tried to push to complete a deal to sell his current tv channel to al jazeera before any of new tax
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hikes would affect the payday. >> even though he was scrambling it didn't go into effect until january 2. >> jon: so it's less of a burn. you know, al gore almost received something he really wanted but missed it by a hair due to a math mat call tech technicality also known as the al gore story. [ laughter ] fox doesn't have to the call doesn't look likes if a four hour owe -- erection. something is wrong with this picture. al gore sold his cable network to -- wait for it -- al gentleman zeer the anti-american network. >> he sells his news network to a clearly anti-american news channel called al jazeera. >> now you hit on it. >> are you kidding me? >> that is just crazy.
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>> jon: that means muslims will be able to see into our homes. you know that, right? people on tv can see into your homes. [ laughter ] [ laughter ] now, look, al jazeera's arabic channel has broadcast some very hateful stuff. worst hanukkah special ever. [ laughter ] that is hateful. although the network that would air in current's place isn't the al jazeera that runs in the arab world it's al jazeera english. but it's a sub subsidiary of who they sold to. let's look at the programs.
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[speaking arabic] [ laughter ] >> jon: you know if that were true would you think matzoh would be for flavorful. it's all of. that didn't air on al jazeera. it air on another television station owned by a saudi prince and 20% after this is owned by a guy named rupert murdoch. that last name is familiar but i can't place what his other holdings are. but that is the same network that air valley of the wovles where american soldiers the bad guys massacring civilians and stealing arab organs to sell them to jews. i don't know what to say.
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rupert murdoch profiting from the anti-american propaganda. words fail me. >> let's not forget what it's known for. something is wrong with the anti-american network. >> a clearly anti-american network called rotana. >> are you kidding me? thank is crazy. >> jon: a degree with you guys. we'llht baight ba[cheers and ap]
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>> jon: hey, welcome back. today, of course, the second thursday of the month which means it's time for our second thursday of the month baseball segment jon stewart's 7th inning kevetch brought to you by manny's favorite bash cue sauce giving the balls a soft and savory place to land. one of my favorite players. the baseball hall of fame inductees were announced. there's a lot to choose from. roger clemens, samey sosa, 609 dingers. barry bonds 672 i'll go with dingers. granted due to steroid use their bodies were 98% -- eight nerds really joined that. [ laughter ] which one of these cats is headed to cooperstown? >> on behalf of hall of fame chairman our board of directors, the entire staff in cooperstown and jack o'connell the baseball
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writers association of america it's my pleasure to announce the results of 2013bbwa elections. >> jon: all right! my pleasure to listen. [ laughter ] let's do this. who is in the hall! >> i would like to thank mike and ernst and young for assuring the results year in and year out. >> jon: really irk you are thanking the accountants. if i didn't know better i would say you are stalling. get it to. >> open up the envelopes. for only the eighth time since voting began in 1936, brian, the voting membership did not elect anyone to cooperstown. [ laughter ] >> jon: you took me out to dinner. you bought me wine you gave me a sandwich and then we don't (bleep). is that what you are telling me? [ laughter ] all that for nothing. can't you pretend you were surprised. what was on the piece of paper? is it this?
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let me get that out there. all this for nothing. i'll tell you, these guys have to feel bad, huh? locked out of the hall for shooting moose semen between their toes. especially when you consider who they let in the hall. >> ty cobb. he was a scoundrel but amazing player. he is in. >> jon: not so much a scoundrel a racist actually but he got in 1936 before black people were allowed to play in major league baseball. if everyone else is racist does that mean you are racist? it does, actually you just take a lot less (bleep) for being racist. it's like wearing spac try that now. this isn't a big deal. nobody got in. i get why they passed up monsters inc. what about craig biggio. the only thing he is juicing is carrots, april eves and ceal.
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-- kale. what about mike piazza? put a man in the hall of fame! for more on this historic hall of fame shutout we good to john oliver. where are you right now? i'm at the home of slugger but refuted steroid user sammy sosa. >> jon: how did he take the news? >> not terribly well. he left the house visibly upset. take a look for yourself, john. look. >> jon: oh, wow. >> jon: yeah. that appears to be a sammy sosa shaped hole in the wall. >> he is pissed, john. >> jon: al is out in barry bond's hometown in san francisco and al's hometown as well. >> sure is, jon. great city. what is going on. >> barry is pretty upset. [ laughter ]
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>> jon: yeah, um, that was hours ago, al when the news came in. he is still upset? >> ah -- it's going to be a long night. [ laughter ] >> jon: samantha bee is in texas clemens country, sam, is clemens angry in the same way that we've seen the other -- >> clemens is sleeping. the real monsters were the men who shot him down off the building. he meant no harm. sure, he was a hideously oversized farm can a logical experience pulsing with out of balance synthetic hormones and muscles stronger than the most powerful hydraulic systems although with oddly tiny balls like little golden raisins or tic-tac, tiny turds.
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>> jon: we get the idea,. >> in the end, jon. he was too beautiful for this world. good night, sweet prince. oh,. oh,. oh, my god. oh, my god shoot it. shoot it, you idiots. >> jon: good luck, sam. don't worry about her.
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[cheers and applause] >> jon: dwoam back. my guest tonight an actor.
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his new movie is called "gangster squad." >> when we succeed, nobody will ever know what we've done. no medals new york promotion, but i'm d no medals, no promotion but i'm here to tell you there's death in it waiting for the man who hesitates. our only advantage is he won't know who we are. i have only one rule in this outfit. leave these at home. we're not solving a case here we're going to war. >> jon: please welcome josh brolin. [cheers and applause] please -- [cheers and applause] have a seat. [cheers and applause] well done. the legion salutes. >> when they caught back to the other people, i can't tell whether they are bored listening to that great exposition or not.
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>> jon: not bored at all. >> we're going to war. >> jon: we're going to war. they should call this film, not gangster quad but handsome squad. because every one of those shots. there's one guy in there, i can't remember him. >> robert patrick the old guy. gee vano. >> dick: tremendous actor. the mustache on a normal man, the mustache disqualifies you from hand some squad and yet -- >> no country for old men. >> jon: that is one of my favorite movies. you were so good in that. >> did you like the mustache. you don't remember it do you remember javier's funky haircut. you don't remember me in the movie. >> jon: that's not true. >> we're going to war. >> jon:. [ laughter ] do you make the facial hair character choice? i was in a many ofy once many years ago. i decided to make a hair choice i'm going to comb it forward.
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>> with your playing like the village idiot. >> jon: worse. that was the title of the role was playing. >> the village idiot. it was the only movie i was in that the character had a full name. >> you know what is great about your show. usually you do the shows and you have to keep the momentum. >> jon: what do you mean? >> letterman s, or whatever, leno. i start to talk and you have another joke already. how many times already have i done this? >> jon: exactly. let me tell you why. don't interrupt me. [ laughter ] stop it. hold on. here is why: here is why: >> yes, i'm listening. >> jon: those other guys prepare. [ laughter ] >> i'm a spoan -- sponsor spontaneous actor jnch right now we're on a j-date. we're feeling each other out.
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two wovles. two alpha male. one alpha male and one lab door retriever. we're sniffing each other as butts a little bit. this is the first time. next time you get to talk. >> you backed up. >> jon: i did. >> you sought hair on your fingers he said he is more of a man than i am. >> jon: i'm more of an otter than you. you are not a hersuit man? because i would have thought -- >> do you want to see? i'm not. >> jon: no, no, no. >> you asked, brother. sorry? thank you, everyone. good night. >> thank you. >> jon: come back here. i can't believe you got my sixth great chest. [ laughter ] >> i am the next evolutionary level. we kept the knee and dlrks
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neanderthal but lost the tall. >> jon: you play the hand some dude. >> everybody else is like quasi modo. crimehouse did you see it. >> jon: no. >> what kind of research have you done on me. >> jon: i know you got arrested new year's eve. >> (bleep). [ laughter ] >> jon: that's all i know. i don't know anything. i don't have time. [ laughter ] by the way, let me say. this does it make you more comfortable if i talk like this. >> jon: i read the report arrested for intoxication for new year's eve. isn't that called new year's eve. >> it is new year's eve. >> jon: i don't care about it. >> thank you for not caring because none of us care about it. >> do you care about it?
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[cheers and applause] >> jon: if i was to seat josh brolin -- give me the list. >> you want me to go down my favorites list of josh brolin. >> jon: yes. >> really? how many emmys do you have, ten? i feel so less than right now. >> jon: less than me? >> i do. >> jon: really? >> i'll get an emmy one day or maybe you'll give up up in my gift bag. >> jon: i would but i'm building a fort so i can't. >> you have young kids. i have older kids. >> jon: you and i are probably the same. we're 50 are you not. >> no. >> jon: i'm 50 are you -- >> sorry. >> jon: you are younger? >> i'm 45. >> jon: can i ask you something is it zpleem that's good living? >> i think it's the gray, too. >> jon: can i tell you the truth, people meet me on the street the first thing they say
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to me is this, are you okay? >> because you look ill. >> jon: because i look like i have hepatitis in real life. >> i'll get you a walker. >> jon: can i tell you something, i say this with all due respect this was nice. i enjoyed our j-date. you are a good man. "gangster squad",xúe
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