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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  January 30, 2013 11:30pm-12:00am PST

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>> jon: that's our show. join he is tomorrow at 11:00. here it is your moment of zen. >> a pennsylvania man was laid to rest but not before the funeral procession made a stop ate drive-through. burger king. >> a whopper of a [eagle caw] >> stephen: tonight, should gays and lesbians be allowed to marry?
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yes, but only each other. [ laughter ] then, big changes for the kkk. they're updating the sheets with a dust ruffle! [ laughter ] and my guest is billionaire philanthropist bill gates. in order to get him here, i had to hill i had malaria. [ laughter ] the truth will set you free. so convicted murderers, turn off your tvs now. [ laughter ] this is "the colbert report" [cheers and applause] ["the colbert report" theme music playing] captioning sponsored by comedy central [eagle caw] [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen] thank
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you, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to the report. [cheers and applause] in here and out there, i gotta tell you, folks this is the audience so nice they cheered me twice! [cheers and applause] good to have you with us, ladies and gentlemen. nation, our world becomes a little gayer every day. [ laughter ] i'm starting to think some days might be gay. am i the only one who finds it suspicious that saturday and sunday are always together on the weekends? [ laughter ] and let's face it, these days, the gays are accepted everywhere you go. they're like visa cards, only thinner. [ laughter ] well, brace yourselves, folks, because being gay just got more fabulous. >> a new study suggests straight men are more stressed out than men who are gay or bisexual. the canadian study sets out to measure whether gays and lesbians experience less overall anxiety after coming out of the closet. in general, straight men were
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found to be more stressed and depressed than their gay counterparts. >> stephen: of course, they're less stressed-- they don't have to deal with women! [ laughter ] who are great. [ laughter ] this study was published in the journal "psychosomatic medicine," which is a wonderful publication. there's a print version and an online version, or if you're on the go, try the version that's all in your head. [ laughter ] now, the research took place in canada, so we still have to wait for a study involving human subjects. [ laughter ] but i totally buy it. because as an incredibly straight man, i am incredibly stressed out-- i'm a ticking time bomb! that's why every time i accidentally wander into a gay bar and see all those happy people, i shout, "i'm ready to blow!" [ laughter ]
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meanwhile, the good news keeps coming for the gays. recently, they got endorsements from the two most powerful branches of american government: the white house, and fox news. [ laughter ] >> our journey is not complete until our gay brothers and sisters are treated like anyone else under the law. >> remember about a year ago, he evolved to seeing things this way on gay rights. look, we are all in agreement, we agree. i don't think there's anyone here that disagrees with anything president obama said on that issue. >> stephen: yes, we conservatives all think gays should have equal rights, and we've been saying it since the beginning of this sentence! [ laughter ] clearly, the lgbt agenda is barreling forward at full speed. at this rate, i may even have to learn what the last two letters of lgbt mean. [ laughter ] i wanna say-- bacon and tomato? [ laughter ]
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god knows what they're doing with them. [ laughter ] luckily, one brave soul is holding back this rising gay tide like a one-man dike. [ laughter ] i mean -- i mean -- i mean -- no, no, -- i mean, with hordes of gays coming, he's beating them off. no, no,. i mean -- i mean -- i mean, it brings us to tonight's word: it gets worse. [cheers and applause] folks, the supreme court is about to hear arguments about the constitutionality of "the defense of marriage act" or doma, which defines marriage as between one man and one woman. the act was signed into law in 1996 by bill clinton-- a man who understands being defensive about your marriage. [ laughter ] now, barack obama's justice department decided not to defend
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doma, but don't worry, your tax dollars are still being spent on the case. house republicans hired super-straight, super-lawyer paul clement to defend marriage to the tune of $2 million dollars. [ laughter ] now, the case won't be heard until march, but that money is already buying brilliant legal arguments from clement like: "marriage should be limited to unions of a man and a woman because they alone can produce unplanned and unintended offspring." [ laughter ] damn straight. yes! yes, marriage is for straight people, who can go to a wedding, get tanked on chablis, and make a baby, barebacking it in a coat closet. [ laughter ] as -- [cheers and applause] fans of the coat closet.
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that's how god intended it. [ laughter ] planning to have kids just isn't right. [ laughter ] but perhaps the strongest argument clement yanked out of his law-hole is this one: "gays and lesbians have attained more legislative victories, political power, and popular favor in less time than virtually any other group in american history. given that the ultimate inquiry focuses on whether a group needs the special intervention of the courts-- the political strength of gays and lesbians in the political process should be outcome determinative here." >> stephen: yes, outcome determinative! [ laughter ] that sort of fancy talk that will get clement a ruling inhisfavoratish. [ laughter ] now, translated from the original parsel-tongue, he's saying, gays and lesbians have made so much progress, sourtto .
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that's understandable. [ laughter ] it's like when your boss says, "your hard work and dedication have really proven that you don't need a promotion." [ laughter ] face it, we're living in a golden age of being gay. these days same sex couples can get legally married from seattle to boston! and one place in between. [ laughter ] plus, there are only 29 states where it's legal to deny you a job because you're gay. you see in the 21 other states, they have to pretend it's something else. [ laughter ] so given how well things are going, there's no need for them to get better. the struggle for gay rights has just been too successful, and
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therefore it must end in failure. you know who really got lucky? the people out there who really got lucky, black people. [ laughter ] things were so hard for them, we had to help. but, if rosa parks had been allowed to sit in the front of the bus, we wouldn't have cared enough to desegregate our schools. [ laughter ] now, as a supporter of gay rights, some of you might feel bad that they are going to lose this struggle that they so deservedly won. perhaps, you have a gay friend or relative or you want to leave that choice open to yourself. [ laughter ] well, if you really want to help the gays, ostracize them at work, mock them at school. make them feel like they have no place in our society. [ laughter ] because according to paul clement, we can't give them rights until we wrong them. and that's the word. we'll be right back.
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[cheers and applause]
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[cheers and applause] hey, welcome back, america. [cheers and applause] nation, america has made great strides when it comes to race relations. just today i watched almost an entire tyler perry movie before
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i realized it was one of those michael jordan hanes commercials. [ laughter ] still, we're closer to that mountaintop. [ laughter ] but some people just won't let racism go. like former secretary of state colin powell. >> i think the republican party right now is having an identity problem. there's also a dark-- a dark vein of intolerance in some parts of the party. what do i mean by that? i mean by that is they still sort of look down on minorities. >> stephen: how dare colin powell charge the gop with intolerance, when it is the party of such prominent black republicans as colin powell and-- others, one imagines. [ laughter ] but the definitive proof that we're in a post-racial america is that the ku klux klan, maybe the group most identified with racism-- aren't racists anymore! jim?
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>> the ku klux klan is out to change its image and promote a new agenda. >> the klan says it's now under christian based leadership, stressing that it's not a hate group anymore, but a group that wants to call attention to issues like illegal immigration and outsourcing of jobs. >> everyone thinks that we're a hate group. we're not a hate group. we don't hate anyone. i mean, we want to see good things come to our race. [ laughter ] >> stephen: see? they are not a hate group. they just want to see good things come to their race-- through eyeholes cut in a pillowcase. [ laughter ] and this new kkk is spreading its positive message the way any open-minded group would: door-to-door in the dead of night. [ laughter ] >> people in newton county were shocked to find flyers in their driveway this week urging them to join the ku klux klan. klan members distributed flyers in neighborhoods all the way from florida to new york state. >> for the second time in two months, people living in one part of central virginia have woken up to find letters from the ku klux klan in their
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driveway. those flyers have many in this mechanicsville neighborhood feeling uneasy. some, violated. >> stephen: now, i can understand why flyers might upset people. but i think we can all agree, it's better than what they used to leave on people's lawns. [ laughter ] and again, this aggressive recruitment has nothing to do with racism. the fact that it's happening under a black president is simply a coincidence. it could just as easily have been a jewish president. [ laughter ] but sadly, there's a dark cloud hanging over those white hoods. because according to the southern poverty law center, in the last two years "the number of kkk chapters dropped from 221 to 152." and this comes at a time when hate groups overall are enjoying tremendous growth. [ laughter ] ain't that a kick in the robe? [ laughter ] so why is the kkk's brand suffering? well, apparently, even though they're totally not racist
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anymore, those sheets bear some kind of a stain. [ laughter ] according to the splc's mark potok, "the klan is having trouble with recruitment because they're more stigmatized than other hate groups, such as the neo-nazis." [ laughter ] yeah. those klan robes have a stigma, unlike nazi uniforms, those had style. [ laughter ] point is, saying you're not a hate group just isn't enough. now, i'm not going to win any awards for this-- at least not any i would display-- but i've got a couple helpful hints to help the non-racist kkk. first of all, i know that flowing robes are tradition, but if you want to reach out to today's young, hipster white supremacists, you'd do better with skinny jeans and ironic t-shirts. [ laughter ]
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and i know the hoods are part of the heritage, but it makes it look like you're ashamed. why not wear your klan affiliation proudly and transparently by putting on a clear hood? [ laughter ] just slip a dry-cleaning bag over your head, and keep it in place with a rubber band around your neck. [cheers and applause] now, that's a great new look-- that a lot of people are going to love to see. [ laughter ] we'llht baght ba[cheers and app]
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is a billionaire philanthropist and founder of microsoft. i'll ask him how to open up a tcp port to my network printer. please welcome bill gates! [cheers and applause] hey, mr. gates. >> ho you are you? >> stephen: nice to see you. thanks you for coming on. i've had your wife on a couple times but never you. thank you for coming. >> great to be here. >> stephen: are you still the richest guy in the world? yonch think so, no. >> stephen: could we not get
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the richest guy? i'm sure still got it on the ball but we don't have the richest guy? okay. we'll do this anyway. laugh you're trustee, cochair of bill and melinda gates foundation, cofounder of microsoft you have the annual letter from bill gates. it came out when? >> this morning. >> stephen: came out this morning. what is -- by the way, i'm not going to say you are an old out of touch billionaire but um, -- [ laughter ] you came on my show to say you wrote a letter. you know about e-mail, right? [ laughter ] tweet it if you wanted. if this letter are you telling us things are gotten better or worse? is the hopeful message this year? >> it's positive because the progress on reducing childhood deaths, bringing population
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growth down it's good news that you wouldn't hear. so i share what i've been able to see in my travels to africa and asia. >> stephen: some of the tbhings you are shooting for are polio, ma laira, we've got these things on the rope? >> polio was down to 250 cases last year. >> stephen: in the world? >> in the entire world. [cheers and applause] so in the next six years it will be zero and become the second disease to ever be eradicated. [cheers and applause] >> stephen: do you think the fact that your skill set or the thing you made your fortune on is information technology, do you think information can make a huge difference in the way we help people? or is data as important as passion? >> i think passion is probably the most important. but backing great scientists who have good ideas. in this case it's people inventing vaccines or ways of
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getting organized to get them delivered out to everybody. data is part of that to see where we're doing well, where we're not doing well. if we can really track the money and see the results, then we get a lot smarter as we go along. >> stephen: here is the problem i have with this is that if you track the data, see where you are doing well and where you don't do well, you know if you are getting better or worse whereas if i keep no record of what i do, i can always assume i've succeed. [ laughter ] >> there was some of that in the past. [ laughter ] but people have set bar a little higher now. and, you know, if we're smart about it, and we cut childhood deaths. in 1990 it was 12 million a year, children under five, now it's down below seven million a year. [cheers and applause] we're cutting that every year. >> stephen: that is all over the world. >> worldwide.
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>> stephen: here is my second beef with you, why are you helping people in other countries? when there are still things to be fixed in the snuts you are an american, sir, what is wrong with fixing america before we fix anywhere else? >> well, our big cause in the united states is education. we're incredibly thankful to all the help we had that allowed us to be successful. >> stephen: did you -- was there a bill gates in your past? was there somebody like bill gates in your snancht no, but the whole environment where i got a great education. my wife did. warren buffett who provides half of resphortsz foundation, he is super thankful he grew up here. we wanted to pick the most important thing for the country, whether it's equity or success for the country i think said case is the right choice. >> stephen: when you go around the world do you wear an
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american flag so people know it's american money, a ten gallon hat, something like that? do they know you're american? >> oh, yeah. they hope american innovation and generosity continues to lead the world. [cheers and applause] >> stephen: you can applaud america. [cheers and applause] you are not day-to-day at microsoft anymore. you are still charm but not day-to-day. >> that's right. >> stephen: do you miss the rough and tumble. do you say i'm going to drink coffee all night and code. >> i don't stay up all night quite as much. it's partly my age. it doesn't grab me quite the same way. yes, i miss the intensity. it was phenomenally fun. for my 20s, 30s and 40s it was the coolest thing i could have done. >> stephen: you don't look a day over 40, sir. i'm not just saying that because
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i'm going to hit you up for cash later. [ laughter ] people out there all think, you know, i was lucky enough to talk to steve jobs a few times and it was -- i wasn't a friend of his but we spoke. and everybody -- people say what a cool guy steve jobs was. and you are out there saving the world and yet, you don't have the cool factor. no offense it's not the same cool factor like turtleneck cool factor, a man who contributed a great deal. does it bug you you are saving the world and he's the memories of a cool guy? did you ever want to be the cool guy? >> he was always cooler than me. [ laughter ] >> stephen: yeah? >> yeah. >> stephen: maybe saving the world will get cool? >> it's okay. >> stephen: really, you don't care? >> no,
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