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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  February 5, 2013 11:30pm-12:00am PST

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[cheers and applause] >> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow at 11:00. here it is your moment of zen. these reforms would reduce our government's bill. [laughter] what is up, camera man? come on, captioning sponsored by comedy central
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captioned by media access group at wgbh [eagle caw] >> stephen: tonight, a new way donate to charity. change your name to anonymous so people think you're giving all the time. [laughter] then, i honor an unlikely hero. did you know josef stalin used to carpool? [laughter] and my guest is oscar-winning actress julie andrews. i'll ask if the hills are still alive after all that fracking. [laughter] a math professor has discovered a new 17-million digit prime number. his other discovery: he's very lonely. [laughter] this is "the colbert report." ["the colbert report" theme music playing]
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[cheers and applause] thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much for joining us. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting "stephen!"] [cheers and applause] thank you so much. [cheers and applause] welcome to the show. i especially -- i especially want to welcome those ten men down in the dungeon serving their master. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] just get out of there, guys. [ laughter ] welcome to tonight's kinescope. thank you for joining us. nation, all of us in cable news have an obligation to bring you the latest news most relevant to your life. so let's get to the story everyone's talking about: the fall of the house of york!
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james, bring forth the town criers! >> the bones of england's king richard iii are finally found. >> 500 year old royal remains. >> scientists confirm that remains found under a parking lot in england are in fact those of king richard iii. >> shoppers for years have been parking their cars right over the remains of king richard the iii under a super market parking lot. >> stephen: that's right! king richard the third has been found underneath the parking lot of a supermarket! [laughter] that explains why his famous last words were "my kingdom for a hot pocket!" [laughter] richard the third, of course, is [laughter] richard the third, of course, is remembered as an infamous villain, mostly thanks to shakespeare's famous play-- i want to say "coriolanus"? [laughter]
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but he's also an important historical figure because he was the last king of the plantagenet line. for those who aren't familiar, plantagenet means he was descended from a plant. [laughter] he was the last one. queen elizabeth, despite that vine growing out of her head, is incapable of photosynthesis. [laughter] so how did the scientists know that this was hunchback king, and not some poor 15th-century briton who starved to death waiting for a grocery-store parking space? [laughter] well, researchers observed "a distinct spinal curvature" that was richard iii's most pronounced physical feature." that settles it, because once you decompose, it is impossible for straight bones to rearrange into any other shape. isn't that right, richard? [laughter] but as important as this story is, i was a little disturbed when i heard how these bones were found:
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they used ground-penetrating radar. really? ground penetrating radar? is there no limit to how far these papparazzi will go in violating british royals' privacy? [laughter] first, they're taking long-distance photos of a topless princess kate. jimmy, do we have any of those that aren't pixelated? [laughter] no? did we check? okay. it's shameful, nation. a respected member of the monarchy takes a well-deserved, 500-year underground vacation to spend some quality time alone with his "ten wounds, eight of them in the skull," and the press thinks "yeah, let's put some pictures of a skinless king richard on page three. that'll move some paper." you know the next time his body leaves a limo, they'll be trying to get an up-femur shot. [laughter] so i say, so fie on you,
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ruffians! i bite my thumb at thee. [laughter] nation, i don't have all the answers because i haven't been asked all the questions yet. this is tip of the hat, wag of the finger. [cheers and applause] ♪ folks, if you ever go out at night, you know bars can be rough. one minute you're innocently pointing out to a guy how much his girlfriend looks like his mom, next minute you're picking your teeth out of a bowl of beer nuts. [laughter] and they're getting even more dangerous, thanks to a new trend. bars giving their proceeds to charity-- like an oregon bar that pledged to donate all profits to charity. and a houston bar that gives patrons a vote with every drink as to which charity should receive the next month's profits. of course, by 2:00 am, there are fewer votes for unicef and more votes for the "man, i could really go for a gyro foundation"! [laughter] that's why i'm giving a wag of my finger to drunk donating. look, i'm a charitable person,
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whether it's donors choose or the yellow ribbon fund, i love giving away your money. [laughter] but good deeds and booze is a dangerous combination. sure, you walk into a bar, toss back a couple of cold ones for doctors without borders. next thing you know, you're pounding back slippery nipples for the susan g. komen foundation. [laughter] wrong! [cheers and applause] suddenly, you got charity goggles on standing on the bar, yelling, "i'll raise awareness for anything that moves." [laughter] the next day you wake up wondering, "uhhh, who did i feed and clothe last night?" next, i love reality tv. that's why at the end of every episode of my show, i give a single rose to whoever won my
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heart. what? again? [laughter] i'm gonna get lucky. [ laughter ] reality tv is always putting a spotlight on the latest cultural trends: where the realest housewives are, who thinks they can dance, and what noun america is currently at war with. [laughter] which is why i'm giving a tip of the hat to cbs for a new reality show that draws inspiration from a real world issue. >> more than 12 million americans are looking for jobs. but with so many candidates applying for each job opening, the odds are stacked against them and the employer has all the power. >> in the last year alone, i've been on over 70 interviews. >> you can send out a thousand resumes, you have to know someone to have a job. >> now one new series will try and make a difference. this is "the job." >> stephen: yes, "the job," where contestants battle for someplace to go during the day! [laughter]
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game shows used to make people's fantasies come true, like winning a million dollars, or getting career mentorship from a vulgar jack-o-lantern. [laughter] and, ladies and gentlemen -- [cheers and applause] and in the obama economy of 2013, the wildest dream is any entry-level job. how does it work? >> each week, five exceptional candidates will come to new york city for the biggest interview of their lives for a chance to land a dream job at one of america's finest companies. >> stephen: you heard them-- a dream job, like an editorial assistant position with "cosmopolitan." [laughter] that's right, "the" an editorial assistant. [laughter] this pioneering form of desper-tainment is sure to be such a hit, other networks are sure to have spinoffs, like "meal or no meal," [laughter]
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"americans, idle," and "are you more employable than a fifth grader?" [laughter] so congratulations, cbs, for bravely turning america's unemployment problem into america's entertainment solution. and with one hire per show, "the job" should run for 12.3 million episodes. whraf laugh
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>> stephen: stephen, welcome back, everybody. thanks very much. [cheers and applause] thank you, ladies and gentlemen. [cheers and applause] nation, i play many roles in my family: i'm a father, i'm a husband, but most importantly, i'm a commuter. [laughter] and my car is one of the places people look to me to set an example. if somebody cuts me off in traffic, what's the right thing to do? do i ram them? [laughter] or take the high road -- double guns. [laughter] but i have to admit, i'm not proud of this, but even i am guilty of some
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ugly highway stereotyping. i speak, of course, about my prejudice against axe-weilding hitchhikers. [laughter] i can't tell you how many times i've rolled up my windows and sped past a hobo sharpening a hatchet-- and not even considered picking him up. but i've come to realize the error of my ways after seeing this news story about a young man named kai. he showed me that axe-wielding hitchhikers are people, too. people who sometimes stop madmen loose on california's freeways. kai told the story of one driver who picked him up to kmph, fresno's news leader. >> well, i was in the passenger's side of this (bleep) car. and, he comes over on there comes driving down this way, he's like, "you know what? i come to realize i'm jesus christ and i can do anything i (bleep) want to." and, "watch this!" bam! and he smashed into some (bleep) guy and pinned right there between that (bleep) truck. [laughter]
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>> stephen: yes, the driver said he was jesus and plowed into a worker from a power company. folks, this is why the lord is your co-pilot, not behind the wheel. [laughter] now, normally, if a driver claims to be jesus, police will pull him over and make him walk a straight line on water. [laughter] but the cops hadn't arrive yet, so a bystander ran over to help. >> he just kept saying he was jesus christ, and he was going to save all of us, we just have to get-- he used the "n" word, meaning black people and that-- he said we need to get them off of the earth. he put me in a bear hug and started beating the crap out of me. >> stephen: ok, i think it's safe to assume two things. one, that this driver isn't really jesus. [laughter] and two, not a packers fan. [laughter] [cheers and applause]
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so kai, our hitchhiker with the axe, who i will remind you is the hero of this story, sprang into action. >> and then (bleep) buddy gets out and these two women are trying to help him. he runs up and he grabs one of them, man. like a guy that big can snap a woman's neck like a pencil stick. so i (bleep) ran up behind him with a hatchet-- smash, smash, suh-mash! yeah. [laughter] >> stephen: yeah! thanks to kai, the man hit by the car is okay, the bystander is okay, and for the first time in history, people are saying, "boy, we sure are lucky that homeless hitchhiker was carrying a hatchet." [laughter] and this situation could have happened to any of us.
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remember, kai said the driver "came to realize" he was jesus in the middle of driving. who knows when i'll realize it? [laughter] and when i do, i'm going to want somebody like kai in my passenger's seat because he knows what to do. >> i'm like, "bro, if you're (bleep) jesus christ, i'll be the anti-christ, man, like (bleep) that (bleep)." [laughter] >> stephen: kai here, of course, is quoting scripture. matthew 24:5, which reads: "for many will come in my name, claiming, 'i am the christ,' and will deceive many. then one will be like, 'bro, if you're (bleep) jesus christ, i'll be the anti-christ, man, (bleep) that (bleep).'" [cheers and applause] so, nation, i encourage you to pick up axe-wielding homeless hitchhikers whenever you see them. [laughter]
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i just wish there was something more we could do to thank this hitchhiker. >> if anybody's watching this somewhere and they've got a mini-mal they could lend a guy with a wet suit, i'd love to test out mavericks. so if you've got a mini-mal and a wetsuit, get in touch with him. his name is kai. he's somewhere in california. and he has a hatchet. [laughter] we'll be right back. [cheers and applause]éxéx
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[cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you very much. [cheers and applause] my guest is the star of such movies as "the sound of music" and "mary poppins." great, another advocate for the nanny state. [laughter] please welcome julie andrews! [cheers and applause] lovely to see you again. >> thank you. >> stephen: thank you so much for coming. >> throild be here. how are you? >> stephen: i'm wonderful. how are you? you look smashing. >> thank you. >> stephen: look how excited the people are to see julie andrews. [cheers and applause]
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after all these years of being on the stage, being in the movies, being a performer, zit still excite you to hear a crowd? >> of course, it does. when you've been in the business as long as we've been. >> stephen: right. right. >> you know how, it is. >> stephen: very similar career trajectories you and i. >> right. >> stephen: do young women come up to you and say the parts you've done, mary poppins, maria, shaped their lives and made them think about what it's like to be a woman? >> i think they say they wanted to get into theater because of the roles that i've done or they wanted to begin to sing or get into the arts in some fashion. they do and it's very, very nice when they do. >> stephen: is it? >> yeah. >> stephen: is it humbling or do you say damn straight? >> it depends. >> stephen: on who the person is? >> exactly, yes.
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>> stephen: you are a dame commander? >> yes. >> stephen: is that fun? >> i don't think about it very much. >> stephen: really? sounds like you have a troop of men you can call on to attack at any moment. >> that's right. i do so look out! >> stephen: could you have me killed? >> i don't know if i would go that far because it wouldn't be worthy of a dame, you understand. >> stephen: i understand it's one notch below 007. >> that's right. >> stephen: you've done many things and now you are in children's publishing. you have a series of books callinged the very fairy princess. the fifth in the series, for those of you waiting is the very fairy princess follows her heart. >> right. >> stephen: i haven't finished it yet. it's a little above my reading level is. >> okay. >> stephen: i want to thank you for reintroducing the idea that little girls can be
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princesses. >> i think i better stop you right there, stephen because actually a lot of people have said to us, my daughter and to me, why princesses. isn't that a bad thing to be teaching children to be? >> stephen: why not a fairy democraty elected leader. >> that would be fine, too. this just happens to be about a little girl who is convinced because of a certain sparkle that she feels inside that she is a very fairy princess but that's despite the evidence to the contrary. >> stephen: is she? >> she thinks she is. >> stephen: is she? feet to the fire here? [laughter] >> by the end of each story you might just believe that she is. it's not about the the outer trappings. it's about your individualality. it's about what you feel inside and what you give. these days, i don't know if
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you've been take note of princesses. >> stephen: oh, very popular. >> very popular. >> stephen: especially with long lens cameras. >> well, yes. but it's not about the glamour and the crown and the handsome prince. it's about the hard work. >> stephen: do you know princesses? >> i do, indeed. >> stephen: who do you no, i? >> i know a few of them. i used to know -- i'm not getting into that. >> stephen: you said it's hard work. >> it's hard work. >> stephen: what is the hard work they do? >> go online. look at princesses today. >> stephen: i googled kate middleton. i saw that photo. >> there's an example of someone that works very hard indeed. >> stephen: you heard about richard iii? >> i did. >> stephen: so sorry. >> well, it's about time that he got found though. it's amazing he never did until now. really the fact that it really is or was him.
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mind bogelling. >> stephen: a parking lot all these years. >> anage know minimummous end, isn't it? >> stephen: these books have happier endings than that. >> yes, they do. >> stephen: you do these with your daughter? >> this is the 27th we've written together. >> stephen: fifth of series. >> believe or not this is number two on the children's best seller list for picture books this week. [cheers and applause] >> stephen: you famously played maria, you played mary poppins, were your children ever raised by nannies? >> yes, i did have some nannies. >> stephen: when they came for the job interview, did they walk in, see you and go, great! >> sadly, no. no. >> stephen: i've got