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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  February 20, 2013 1:30am-2:00am PST

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>> jon: that's our show. here it is your moment zen. >> a new jersey assembly man is in the hot seat for facebook pages. he virtually high captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh . ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [eagle caw] [cheers and applause]
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>> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. [cheers and applause] welcome to the report. [crowd chanting "stephen!"] [cheers and applause] thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. ladies and gentlemen, i think that this world would be a much better place if i could take that kind of energy, put it in a paper bag and huff it. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] hope you had a good presidents' day weekend. i took an all-expense paid trip to crap-my-pants-istan because last friday this happened. >> a ten ton meteor racing at 33,000 miles per hour through the atmosphere streekd over a russian city 900 miles of east of moscow before exploding of
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blinding bright light said to have the power of an atomic bomb. >> its reminded me of action movies like-term nateor 4 this witness said. >> stephen: yes, this fireball was just like "terminator 4 " except people saw it. [laughter] [cheers and applause] folks, the earth is under attack from giant space rocks. the dinosaurs tried to warn us by being dead. [laughter] now, all weekend i was down in the bunker watching these incredible youtube clips of the meteor streaking across the sky and exploding. it's actually replaced my previous favorite video: an adorable kitten streaking across the sky and exploding.
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[cheers and applause] why is there so much video of the meteor? for the answer, let's go to the video. >> a majority of this footage was recorded purely by chance. captured by small, dash-mounted cameras that are now the latest fad among russian car owners. motorists have turned to dash cams for self-protection, visual proof to fend off charges from possibly corrupt police officers and from insurance scammers, who often stage accidents. [cheers and applause] >> stephen: now that man lost his personal injury lawsuit, but he did win the coveted scammie award for best actor on a sedan. [laughter] but here is the scary part. here is the scary part, folks, we did not see this meteor coming.
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so clearly, we're all gonna die in a rain of fire if we don't respond to this wakeup call. fortunately, nasa's on this one. they have scrambled to improve our asteroid detection program. because, evidently, their previous asteroid program hasn't been updated since the 1980s. [laughter] i was good. i was really good. [ laughter ] so clearly, nasa now has a laser-like focus on preventing cataclysmic meteor strikes. so let's check in with the actual footage they released yesterday from the international space station-- the first and only line of defense against terror from the sky. >> so what we're going to do, we're gonna open up our tortilla, get our peanut butter, squirt it on the tortilla, get the honey squirt that on there, and we will have a peanut butter and honey sandwich in space. hmm-- not too bad. [laughter]
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>> stephen: oh well. it's like the old saying, the world ends not with a bang, but with a light snack. [laughter] nation, four years ago-- thanks to obama's socialist policies-- the new york stock exchange bottomed out at less than 6500. but today-- no thanks to obama's socialist policies-- the dow is back! >> a history-making day on wall street. >> the dow industrials as well as the s&p 500 closed at their highest point in five years. the dow ended just under 14,036. >> stephen: 14,036. [cheers and applause] ladies and gentlemen, 14,036 do you units. downtons? i don't have to tell you what that means. do i?
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[laughter] i don't, good. and america has got a lot to show for all that dow-ing. >> one way to look at the stock market is as a giant, wealth-creation machine, and it has just created a lot of wealth. we are now officially at the country's all-time peak of millionaires and billionaires. >> stephen: yes, we are at peak billionaire. [laughter] partly due to tax policies that favor the billionaire super rich, and partly due to cloning themselves for spare parts. lax la. [laughter] and now that we ultra-loaded are so numerous again, i'm gonna give the moneyed masses the news they can use--- this is colbert platinum! [cheers and applause] ♪ a quick reminder: this segment is for platinum members only.
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so if your personal food taster doesn't have a personal trainer, why don't you run along and see if your local valpak has coupon for irregular hamburger meat? [laughter] okay, they're gone. platinum nation, as the ranks of us superrich continue to swell, you need a ride that says "suck on my money sack," tastefully. [laughter] now, you've got your rolls, your maybach, your astin martin. but if you really want to turn heads you'll need the 2013 pagani huayra, an ultra-luxury sports car that can go 230 miles an hour with a price tag of $1.2 million. [audience oohhs] it's a vehicle of such prestige,
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that the side mirrors read: warning: people in mirror are just objects. don't worry about hitting them. [laughter] but the real attraction for the platinum american is the unique feature that makes of the huayra so rare. >> eighteen americans have bought huayras. the first delivery is scheduled for july. that is if, and this is a big if, the car is legal. right now, the huayra is not approved by the transportation department for u.s. roads. >> stephen: you cannot drive it. which makes it the ultimate luxury. any schmo can own a car that can take you some place. but only the true elite can afford a $1.2 million cupholder. just imagine how much you'll enjoy rubbing it in your friends' faces, provided they give you a ride to their house first. [laughter] and platinum nation, spend it while you can, because california's new tax plan for
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the wealthy has already claimed one casualty. >> phil mickelson, he's california based and he's had it with taxes. he says he's going to take drastic action because his tax rate is 63%. mikelson's going to take drastic action! and in pro golf, that could mean carrying his own putter! [laughter] but he's got no choice. he makes only $60 million a year. and california's raised his taxes 3%. so mickelback is considering moving out of california or even retiring altogether. i warned you that these tax hikes would cause our best and brightest to take their talents elsewhere. do you know what happens if phil mickelson isn't here to win those millions of dollars? someone else will! [laughter] is that suddenly okay?! [cheers and applause]
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luckily for guys like phil and me, there may soon be a new community where high earners are safe. and it's in the last place you'd think: detroit. sure, we all know the motor city has seen better days. like say, during the ice age. [laughter] but it's not all bad. take belle isle, a thousand-acre island and public park that many consider the jewel of detroit. it's no surprise, "belle" means "beautiful," and "isle" means "not connected to detroit." [laughter] [laughter] and now -- [laughter] [cheers and applause] and now, it's about to get better, thanks to libertarian real estate developer and doubly-named porn star rod
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lockwood who plans to buy the island from detroit and convert it into an independent commonwealth "founded on the principles of limited government, where residents would not pay any corporate or income taxes." finally, a consequence-free paradise for rich americans, other than the rest of america. [laughter] this haven for the wealthy is the realization of a dream from lockwood's self-published novel, also called "belle isle," in the tradition of other fictional tax shelters likes "narnia" and "where the wild things hide their assets." [laughter] and this plan doesn't just help the wealthy, it benefits the entire city of detroit. >> detroit's been in decline for 60 years. this would be a game-changer for detroit because it would attract 35,000 or more people from all over the world. the purchase of the property for $1 billion from the city of
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detroit, which would really help detroit. >> stephen: yes, yes, greatly help detroit. because what they really needs is a pristine private island that they can see from the bars of their post-industrial hellscape. so thank you, rod lockwood, for showing the people of detroit that when life gives you lemons take the lemons to your own island so you can don't have to share the lemonade. [cheers and applause] well, that's it for colbert platinum. join me next time when i show you how to turn a waldorf salad into a waiter losing his job. i said no green apples! [laughter] we'll be right back. ♪ [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause]
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you so much. thanks so much. [cheers and applause] folks, we all know that the obama presidency is one of the most secretive in history. there hasn't been an administration this private since the secret presidency of rocky t. pendergrass, who made his name by invading terabithia. [laughter] don't believe me? look it up in the history books. you won't find it. [laughter] well the obama administration is doing it again. >> did you see the pictures of president obama playing golf with tiger woods this weekend? neither did we. >> the media covering the
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president was shutout. the press corps complained. >> fox news' ed henry speaking in his role as white house correspondents' association president said, "it is not about golf. it's about transparency and access in a broader sense." >> the president should have in all fairness due to transparency released some photographs of him either teeing off with tiger or perhaps when they finished. the american people deserve to see what the president of the united states is doing. >> stephen: absolutely. this is about transparency. about a free press holding our leader accountable. i mean it's one thing to keep us in the dark about a fleet of flying robo-assassins. but a round of golf on your day off? where's the judicial oversight? oh, i suppose white house lawyers have drawn up some convoluted legal justification for using a five-wood on a par three! there are a lot of holes in this story, folks. specifically, 18. america deserves to know! who drove? who rode shotgun?
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did the president hit from ladies' tee? did he replace his divots? or did he send susan rice to cover them up? [audience reacts] [laughter] you are just as upset as i am. i can tell. it's bad! but folks, water-hazard-gate-- trademark-- is just the tip of the secretberg. not gonna trademark that one. [laughter] this whole episode makes me realize just how little we know about what the president is doing every moment. because i have it on good authority that multiple times a day he locks himself alone inside a small, tiled room. [laughter] sometimes he enters with great urgency, only to emerge later with a look of serenity. [laughter] what does he do in there? all we know is that by the time he leaves the sudoku is finished. [laughter] i know -- i know.
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he's apoll gifts say it's all innocent but folks this does not pass the smell test. [audience reacts] again, i'm angry as well. mr. president, open that door to the press corps, otherwise i can only assume you are so arrogantly anti-democratic that you are in there sitting on some sort of thrown. [ laughter ] we'll be right back. [cheers and applause] u",x!!"@ â,xm(m(t5
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[cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest is a senior editor at "slate" magazine who's got a new book about bullying. it'd be a great to throw at someone please welcome emily bazelon. [cheers and applause] good to see you. thank yous for coming back. >> thanks for having me. >> stephen: as i said over there you are senior editor of "slate" magazine. i listen to slate gab fests on fridays. very relaxing to me. i listen to you. >> we're so glad to hear that. >> stephen: i've been listening you to you talk about the this book on the gab fest it's called "sticks and stones: defeating the culture of
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bullying and rediscovering the power of 'em pathy and character." what is 'em pathy? >> it's putting yourself in someone's shoes and imagining to be someone else and have their struggles. >> stephen: like what? >> like growing up without enough money or feelry really left out, feeling socially awkward like you don't belong. >> stephen: what does that have to do with bullying? bullies don't do that? >> one of big problems with bullies is they sort of freeze their own feelings of 'em pathy and they are not good add imagining what it's like to be the person having the pain inflicted on them. >> stephen: it's also called a sociopath. >> that's true but luckily it's rare. a sociopath is someone who can never feel 'em pathy and be completely cold forever. >> stephen: like tucker carlson. [ laughter ] >> but luckily that almost never happens. >> stephen: when i saw the book, i reatd it. i thought it was a guide on how to bully. [laughter] but you are talking a lot in
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here about sort of how -- how we approach bullying in this. let's talk a little bit about how you personally approach bullying. were you bullied yourself? >> his a moment in eighth grade where my friends essentially all dumped me. they didn't want to be my friends anymore. >> stephen: what do you? what did you do? >> i was really miserable. i went home and cried a lot. >> stephen: no, what did you do to make them dump you? you had to do lose. cause and effect? were you a loser? >> i think i was. i spent a lot of time worry being what i had done wrong and picking myself apart. the thing about being bullied is it shreds your self worth. >> stephen: you went home and cried. >> i went home and cried and found another girl in my class who was fired by her group of friends. we kind of as colosers got together. >> stephen: you stood up for each other. >> actually i didn't do that for her. it's a big regret that i write
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about in the book. the girls mean to this friend of mine had a lot of social power. they torment her. there was this one particular moment in the school lunch room where the spotlight was shot shown on the friend of mine in a cruel and public way because i didn't do -- and i didn't do anything to help her. what i did -- where why i wrote the book, is how to make kids respond better than i do. >> stephen: this is why your friends dumped you. you are clearly a terrible friend. what do you mean? >> most of conflict is two way mutual kids fighting. they call it drawma. it's a useful word. bullying the official definition is verbal or physical abuse or harassment repeated over time and involves a power imbalance. >> stephen: official from websters or the government department of bully something in what do you mean official?
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>> from academics who study. this the people who created what i think of as the field of bullying studies which say real field of study. >> stephen: should there be? if we're making too much of bullying should there be a department at yale? are you saying we don't think enough or too much? >> we need to figure out how to use the label fairly. we need more researchers thinking about how to prevent it and how to help schools and whole communities, families solve the problem. >> stephen: do you think i'm a bully? >> i thought about this a lot. [ laughter ] i any sometimes -- [laughter] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: it's okay. whatever the answer is. >> i think sometimes you bully people but i don't think you are always a bully. and your guests. we don't have as much power as you, right? uh-oh. sorry. you are more powerful than us. you are a big powerful tv host, right? >> stephen: yes. >> you almost never make that
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face. really. you are always in control and we're the ones who are -- we're the ones who are more at your mercy usually. [laughter] [cheers and applause] but now i'm -- >> stephen: i hate you. i hate you. [ laughter ] i hate you. >> sorry. but you are not a bully because you could change. and also because we're here obviously it's our choice to be here. >> stephen: it is your choice. it's sometimes like the nerd's fault. >> no. >> thank you so much. emily bazelon, "sticks and stones." we'll be right back. [cheers and applause] thank you,


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