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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  April 24, 2013 11:30pm-12:01am PDT

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>> jon: that's our show. here it is your moment of zen. >> it's silly and a narrow view of politics to suggest that this
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dinner with 20 women senators is going to solve all these problems, and that the problem with washington captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: very nice. very nice. welcome to the report. good to have you with us. thank you so much. ( cheers and applause ).
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folks, thank you so much. these are good people. very good people. >> stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much. that was done with all the precision of a synchronized swim team. if swim teams chanted and there was no water. you watch the news. people say the economy is in dumps. i don't know. i'm doing okay. especially since the stock market is near record highs. i don't understand why those unemployed people just don't get their own hedge fund. of course no matter how strong it seems the market can sometimes overreact to bad news and yesterday the dow was a bit of a drama queen! jim?
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>> if you blink you missed it. we had a mini-flash crash this hour. >> the dow jones average fell nearly 150 points in two minutes. the market regained the losses five minutes later. >> stephen: for investors like me, it was a real roler coaster ride. i still can't believe i blew $16 for the souvenir photo. now even more unnerving was what caused the crash. >> tuesday afternoon the associated press tweeted about explosions at the white house and injuries to president obama. >> that immediately sent wall street off into a tailspin for a dramatic few minutes. >> to have that kind of impact from a 140 character tweet, that is actually quite significant. >> stephen: now, it turned out to be false information. still it was the most earth-shattering tweet since the twit-pic of dan kissing ali when he's still dating jessica.
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i mean hash tag man slut. it turns out the a.p.'s twitter feed was hacked by a group calling itself the syrian electronic army. i saw them at bonnaroo in 2006. they're amazing. anyway, it fooled wall street but you've got to understand, these traders on wall street are only human. except this one time. >> human beings weren't making these trades. these were computers. algorithms designed to scan the headlines and find negative or positive words and then help companies profit on the results. >> they're looking for key words like explosion, white house, president, obama. they read those words in that fake a.p. tweet and immediately triggered massive selling of stock. no human beings involved whatsoever. >> stephen: nation, this is a major breakthrough in computing. we now have machines that can receive bad news and flip their [bleep] millions of times faster than any human being.
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( cheers and applause ). of course, i'm not surprised by the power of twitter. i mean, i have been tweeting for years at stephen at home. and being a master, i recently found a young padawan to twain in the ways of the twitter. jim? >> i took the liberty of opening you a twitter account. president clinton was taken. william jefferson clinton was taken. but prezbilly jeff was available. >> just spent amazing time with colbert. is he sane? he is cool. >> stephen: folks, this is one of those moments we will look back on and say, "that altered the course of human history." like man discovering fire, the
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voyage of columbus or the unknown genius who saw a taco and thought, "what if this was choco?" ( cheers and applause ). and, folks, since that historic first tweet, the number of at prezbilly jeff's tweets has rocketed to still just that one tweet. i mean, come on! what is up? come on, p.b.j., you have to capitalize on the tweet-mentum. if you don't use it, you'll lose it. just like the, you know, you're so full of it. it's gray. it's whatever. head meat. you know what? i'm just going to remind him to tweet by tweeting him on twitter. okay. here we go.
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at prezbilly jeff. missed you sunday at my game of thrones party. also, why no tweets? hash tag: dragons are real. ( cheers and applause ). now, i'll check back later tonight to see if he's responded. oh, he's already tweeted me back. let's see. sorry i couldn't make it at steven at home. i've been busy with at clinton foundation work on global health. thursday is hash tag world malaria day, you know, hash tag rain check. wow. thursday is world malaria day. and i didn't get it anything. all right. i know how to get him to tweet more. i will try at chelsea clinton. okay. here we go. chel, chel, colb, colb, please tell at prezbilly jeff to tweet
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more. happy to tutor him any time. thanks, you are gr-eight. side ways heart. hash tag can i call you chel, chel? and tweet. now, folks, hopefully. oh, gosh. it's from her. at stephen at home, i'll call him and ask but he's very busy. hash tag dad's still trying to save the world. okay. all right? call him? like with a phone? okay, grandma. you see, the thing young people like me understand about twitter is that... ooo, it's from at prezbilly jeff. just got a call from chelsea ready to start twitter lessons tonight. i'm sorry.
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at prezbilly jeff now is not great. hash tag i'm doing my show. and let's see. >> well, actually, stephen, i'm free right now. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: president bill clinton, everybody. ( cheers and applause ). thank you so much for joining me. >> i want to thank you, stephen, forgetting me started on twitter. >> stephen: you're welcome, sir. thanks for the colbert bump at prezbilly jeff already has 170,000 followers. that's big. i mean i have almost five million followers but who is counting? >> sounds like you are. tephen: you bet i am. if you don't mind me asking, why haven't you tweeted more? >> well, stephen, i'm not sure i have room in my schedule to tweet. >> stephen: sir, there is always room for twitter. it's the jello of human
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expression. you can do it during any down time like when you're standing in line at the bank or when you're waiting at a drive through or when you're going through security at the airport. and as i'm saying this, i realize none of these things apply to you, do they? >> not really, no. stephen: okay. well, regardless. you've got to get on there. but a warning, mr. president. you may have been the leader of the free world but twitter has its own super powers. for instance, this is justin bieber. >> you know, i've actually met justin bieber. he seem like a nice young man. >> stephen: don't let the angelic face fool you. he's like kim jung-un but with a more fan at cal fan base. ( cheers and applause ). there's your kim, your courtney, chris, kur bungle, krispy kreme. >> stephen, i appreciate all
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this but i don't think i'll tweet a lot of celebrities. i want to talk about the work in my foundation and the work in health care and reducing global warming and promoting economic growth. >> stephen: i've heard that stuff too. my issue is world hunger. i address that mostly by tweeting insta grams of my breakfast with hash tag. by the way, sir, do you know about hash tags. >> great. stephen: let me tell you about them. hash tags are amazing. you just smoosh together a couple of words, put a pound sign in front of it and suddenly it looks like you're part of a worldwide moment. >> actually i am part of a worldwide movement. >> stephen: yeah, it's called twitter. from now on, history will remember you as at prezbilly jeff. congratulations sir. >> now about that name. i kind of wish you had picked something just a tad more dignified, something like at bill clinton, for instance. >> stephen: sir, i tried to get at bill clinton but some jerk
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already took it. if i ever find out who, i swear, i am going to just... >> i took it. stephen: ... tell him he is a great statesman and a great american. >> you see, i've been planning on launching my twitter page for quite a while. now that you've primed the pump i'm really ready to go. >> stephen: okay. so, nation, if you're following at prezbilly jeff, switch over to the new handle at bill clinton. in fact, sir, you know, you may have almost 5 million followers but i don't follow anyone. but tonight i will start following you right now. >> thanks, stephen. i need it. >> stephen: yes, you do. now, let's make history. with your historic second first tweet. >> you've got it. excited. to join at chelsea clinton and my good friend at stephen at
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home. on twitter. i did it. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: you did it. congratulations, sir. >> thanks, stephen. stephen: you're welcome, sir. any time. president at bill clinton, everybody. we'll be right
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( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: hey, welcome back, everybody. thank you very much. nation, you know, if you watch the news as much as i do, you know that everywhere you look, there's bad news: tv, internet, newspapers, even on the comics page. last week garfield finally succumbed to his chronic depression over mondays. he is survived by odie, jon and a lasagna. but, nation, i'm going to give you some good news. this is tiny triumphs. humanity has accomplished so much over the years. we split the atom. we mapped the human genome. we put pizza on a bagel. now we can have pizza any time. but all this achievement raises the troubling question: is there anything left for us to conquer?
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and it also raises the troubling answer: yes. because we have now found a bold, new frontier on mars. we've been sending probes there since the 1970s, most recently the curiosity rover which in search of evidence of life has been driving across the harsh martian sands with its eight sturdy wheels we have left humanity's mark and achieved something we can truly be proud of. we drew a penis on mars. ( cheers and applause ). this is one small step for man, one giant doodle of man-junk. this giant graffiti. peenie proves our galactic supremacy. america took a pristine planet 140 million miles away and
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scribbled on it like it was the face of a passed-out frat boy. and now that we've drawn this penis on it, that officially makes the space between mars and uranus our solar system's taint. that's just science. but perhaps what's most moving is that this childish vandalism finally fulfills john f. kennedy's vision as he laid out in his 1962 speech. >> we choose to go to the moon and to draw a penis not because it is but because it is hilarious. >> stephen: and it's clear and it is so clear that our weary country is united as one behind this hopeful image of man's full, throbbing potential. because the photo has been so popular online that it caused
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the nasa website to crash. something that hasn't happened since those photos surfaced of a buzz aldrin nip slip. so i want to salute nasa for once again inspiring a generation. somewhere in america there's a little boy looking up at the stars and thinking, "one day i'm going to grow up and live my dream: drawing a build old pair of tit-tays on nep ewen.
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( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is a nascar driver who recently won pole position at the daytona 500. i had no idea they've been racing that thing for 500 years. please welcome danica patrick. ( cheers and applause ). ms. patrick, may i call you danica. >> yes, please. however you feel necessary to address me. >> stephen: danica, thanks so much for coming on. i am a huge fan of you, okay. first of all, nascar is the
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great american sport. all right. >> i agree. stephen: everybody talks about danica patrick, you know, first woman to get pole position at daytona 500. that kind of stuff. ( cheers and applause ). do you ever get tired of life. i'm a woman. i'm a driver. i'm not a woman driver. i'm a driver driver. >> i mean people mention it. i don't really mind because i know it's what helped me get to where i am. i hope when i'm done racing that people remember me as a great driver. >> stephen: so perceive you as a woman. i don't. you could have just easily be a man. can you help me out here. i want to understand some of the finer points of the nascar. >> okay. stephen: you start off with an indy car. >> i'm not very smart with this stuff. make them softball questions for me. >> stephen: why do you turn to the left?
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why do you never turn to the right? >> actually there's a story when i was a kid i was racing go-carts and my dad wondered if i had a problem with my right eye because i seemed to struggle with the right-handed corners. no joke. this is seriously something he said. apparently that's what made me migrate towards turning left a lot. maybe. i don't know. maybe i do have a problem with my right eye. >> stephen: do you have to psyche yourself up before the race? do you look in the mirror and say, go fast. what do you say for yourself. >> play eye of the tiger. stephen: what do you do before you go out and race. what's your prep? >> i eat. stephen: really? i eat a lot. stephen: are you... no. ( cheers and applause ). i'm not. >> stephen: because i've been driving for years and my ass just keeps getting bigger. how do you stay in shape for this kind of a sport?
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>> cardiowise that's what it really is. >> stephen: cardio, really? i think there was a study done that our heart rate is that of about a runner's pace the whole time. i don't know 140 to 180. i don't know. i feel like about 200 beats a minute when i'm running. >> stephen: why does your heart race so high? is it just the adrenaline? >> people are making us mad out there. >> stephen: really? doesn't your heart rate go up when people make you mad on the road. >> stephen: as someone used to driving 200 miles an hour when you're in traffic, how bad is your road rage? >> it's really bad. yeah. like i'm always told to relax. we're not in a rush. calm down. >> stephen: does the rage help you? does the anger help you around the track? >> i think sometimes when your blood gets pumping, it does help a little bit. it brings out something else in you. >> stephen: do you hope you're inspiring other women like maybe
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there's a young girl out this watching this show tonight and thinks, i'm going to go out and i'm going to drive 200 miles an hour. >> i don't think it's something that they should start right away. but i don't think it's something that i ever was shooting for when i was a kid growing up because i'm a kid and i'm the one being inspired and trying to make it to the top. as it happened and people started asking me questions like that, i started to realize that it's a really honorable role. i don't want to waste it. so whenever i have a chance, i always try and take extra time for the kids. if i don't have much time to sign i try to sign for the kids. give them a fun experience. fun for the whole family. >> stephen: i do the same thing. ( applause ) >> stephen: you've got to give time for the kids. if a child wants my autograph i'm like no problem $5 we're good. >> that's cool stephen: you've got go-daddy there on your jacket. >> you noticed that. stephen: you have sponsored all over your car, right? >> that's right stephen: could i interest you, could i interest you
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( cheers and applause ) >> absolutely. i'm going to make that call because i feel like go daddy will be so happy when i perform well after walking by my car and putting put in such a good mood when i see this face. >> stephen: danica, it was called the colbert bump, all right? boom. thank you so much for joining us. we'll be right back.
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that's it for the report, everyb