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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  June 12, 2013 11:00pm-11:31pm PDT

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ha! you're busted, buddy. i'm a cop! captioning by captionmax captioning sponsored by comedy central >> john: welcome to "the daily show" i am john oliver. jon stewart is gone for the summer. i'm not supposed to say this but someone got him pregnant. (laughter) he's gone to a community for older then a similar situation. (laughter) our guest tonight, the magnificent singer and human being mavis staples is here! (cheers and applause) mwah!
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but we begin tonight with the the ever-growing list of scandals that has befallen this great nation. there was the i.r.s. targeting conservative groups, the d.o.j. spying on journalists, the n.s.a. creeping on everyone, and i are cently g-o-d's decision to ruin the new england patriots. (laughter) and on the fourth day he did attempt to run up the middle and lo, he was crushed. (laughter) and the lord was sore amused. let's all agree. let's just all agree, we are at precipice of scandal overload right now so let's please just talk about something else. >> at the risk of giving you scandal overload, tonight we have a new one. >> john: no, no, no, no, no! you don't understand! you're putting me in a difficult position here! how am i supposed to explain this to jon stewart? "hey, boss, yeah, the show's going okay. on the other hand, i think the
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country might be completely falling apart." (laughter) and, by the way, good luck tracing a finger phone, n.s.a.! (cheers and applause) so what is this new scandal? >> some of the state department's own agents are charging that investigations were manipulated to protect careers or to avoid scandal. at least one is charging when they investigated a series of coverups it was covered up. (laughter) >> john: wow. so a coverup of a coverup of a scandal! it's like a turducken of lies. (laughter) think new scandal sounds grieging but if this was already triple covered up, again, how did we find out about it? >> he was an investigator for the state department's internal watchdog agency and is now a whistle-blower. >> you are kidding me. another whistle-blower. it's the second one in a week.
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if you're a whistle, this is the week that you are getting blown! (laughter) i'm not sure that quite came out right. in fact, i'm going to go out on a limb and just call it for all of us. we are in the summer of the whistle-blower. (laughter) so what is this state department whistle-blower blowing the whistle on-- he asks knowing that it would involve prostitutes. >> accusations of prostitutes, drug deals and sexual abuse near u.s. embassies. a u.s. ambassador solicited sexual favors from prostitutes. a member of hillary clinton's security engaged prostitutes while on official trims in colombia and russia. >> clinton's security detail had a "prostitution problem" that was "endemic." >> john: endemic?
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hey, it's not my fault, baby, my need to pay for sex was endemic! it was just part of the culture at work! like how you and the girls at the office all did that cleans together. (laughter) think of prostitute as our ginger apple kale juice. (laughter) now at this point the state department scandal is just allegations so as whistles go it's the kind of whis that will an asthmatic kitten makes when it tries to breathe. (audience reacts) relax! this fictitious cat is going to live a long and happy life. (laughter) oh, you know what? i'm being told it died. (audience reacts) it was hit by a make believe car. you have to be left easily emotionally ma n manipulated than this. what i'm saying is it's clearly not yet on the level of, say, edward snowden's revelations. snowden, of course, the n.s.a. contractor who revealed the details of their classified
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prism program. now, that is a whistle that has caused trouble. not just to the n.s.a. but for the media. they face a very difficult question: do they prioritize the legal and ethical implications of an unprecedented government surveillance program or do they go u.s. weekly on the messenger? i'm just going to write down which one i think and put my answer into this envelope. >> who is edward snoweden? >> the civilian contractor working with computers at the n.s.a.. >> a 29-year-old high school dropout. he went to elementary and middle school in cof on the, maryland. >> i think he got his g.e.d.. >> he gave to the libertarian candidate ron paul. >> he was living in hawaii with his girlfriend who turns out is some sort of -- like an acrobat or gymnast. >> john: oh, look at that! maybe i'm getting the hang of this job. maybe i was right. honestly i can't think of anything less relevant to be talking about right now than
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where edward snowden went to middle school. >> the man at the center of the u.s. intelligence leaks is still in hiding but his girlfriend and her pole-dancing youtube channel are front and center. >> john: oh for (bleep)'s sake! (laughter) i never thought i'd hear myself say this but i am not interested in any pole dancing youtube channels right now. (laughter) still i guess we need all that information on snowden otherwise we won't know which incredibly reductive label to pin on him. >> edward snowed season a hero to many people. he's a puj. he's a loser. >> this man is an american hero. >> hell know he's not a hero. >> he's done a great service. >> incredibly brave. >> he's a traitor. >> a defector or traitor. >> look at that guy. he's a weasel. can we put his face on the screen. >> with we allowed to say that? >> he looks like a weasel. >> okay. >> john: whoa, whoa, whoa.
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i don't know that i'd be so quick to jump to the argument that he must be what he looks like. especially not when what you look like is the guy in the frat house who can get you roofies. (cheers and applause) it's mean to make fun of people's appearance. still, i guess i understand the impulse to pass judgment on edward snowden. it's easier to have an opinion on a person rather than on an extremely complicated issue. we're joined by senior intelligence correspondent samantha bee at intelligence headquarters. >> hello. (cheers and applause) yes, john? >> john: what is the bottom line on edward snoweden? heroic truth teller or weasely traitor? >> well, did snowden snitch on you? >> john: no. >> then he's a whistle-blower. >> john: what if he had blown the whistle on me. >> oh, well, then he'd be a snitch. >> john: so it's really just a
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question of semantics. >> no, no, john. whistle-blowers enjoy a privileged status. they get legal trials, high-profile media coverage, adoring fans. >> john: and what do snitches get. >> don't you know? (laughs) snitches get stitches. (applause) >> john: i've not seen that side of your personality before, sam. >> it's there. the problem is no one ever thinks they're a snitch. everyone with a camera phone thinks they're a hero shedding light on injustice even if that injustice is having to pay for a coolatta. >> i was here last night and niti forgot to give me a receipt. this is being rohr recorded on facebook. i'm going to get a million (bleep)ing hits. you didn't give me my water or my coolatta. this is about to go live bitch, right on facebook.
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so i hope you're happy with your little sand (bleep) self. (audience reacts) >> john: holy (bleep) >> oh, yeah. >> john: she just went from spoiled consumer to racist monster in less than 20 seconds. would this woman be considered a whistle-blower or a snitch? >> no, she's what's known in intelligence circles as a (bleep). (cheers and applause) >> john: is that an acronym? (laughter) >> um -- yeah, sure it is. >> john: thank you, sam.
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(cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome back! when news story falls through the cracks, lewis black catches it for a segment that we call "back in black." (cheers and applause) >> the n.s.a. scandal has made us all a little skeptical of our technology. and with the next wave of face toys coming out, you might be wondering "are the tradeoffs worth it?" well, if anyone knows anything about the latest in technology it's roth! let's take a look.
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>> google's first bid in that market is glass-- which goes on your face. >> okay, glass. >> google, genesis. >> well, thanks, glasses, i never would have figured out i was at the aquarium looking at jellyfish! (laughter) at least i know one thing i could use before. >> this is interesting. people who own google glasses not going to be able to watch porn on them. >> not so fast, google! i think you're underestimating my ability to masturbate to jellyfish! (cheers and applause) >> john: wow, that is very well said, lewis. (laughter) >> who the (bleep) are you? (cheers and applause)
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>> john: that's a fair point. i apologize. carry on. (laughter) >> come on, tech world! if you're going to take us into the future, don't give us new ways to be on the go! best part of new technology is that it lets us sit on our pass! that's why i was so excited about the new xbox-- until i saw this. >> so the xbox that hasn't come out yet but is coming has this motion sensor that detects not only your every move and what you say, it detects facial expressions. germany's federal data protection commissioner called the kinect "a twisted nightmare >> when the germans -- (laughter and applause) are calling your product a twisted nightmare you might want to consider taking another pass at it. (laughter) but fine. the xbox is tracking my every
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move. as long as that's the only thing it does! >> you're seeing yourself represented here in three dimensions. we can look for patches of your skin and look at microfluctuations in the blood underneath your skin. here you can see we've zoomed in your face and we can show if you're neutral or smiling. >> tell you what, microsoft, instead of reading my face, why don't you just read my hand. (cheers and applause) fwlo no need to zoom in! i'm telling you to (bleep) off! why in the world would i ever allow a machine that can monitor my every thought and movement into my home? >> researchers at cornell university-- go big red-- say they've created a robot that can tell when you want a beer and then pour said beer for you. >> that robot is equipped with the kinect device, the same thing on the xbox 360. >> well, let me begin by
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apologizing to microsoft about the middle finger thing. because there is no amount of private information i won't get to to be served a beer by a robot! but i know what you're thinking. are are beer butler it is best technology has to offer? >> some 30 years from now we might be living the lives of james cameron's "avenue car." that's the dream of russian multimillionaire dimitri its of. he's striving to prolong life by uploading the human brain into holograms or androids. >> well, that's really cool until you think about it. now, who decided this crappy generation is the one that deserves to live forever? (cheers and applause) if this avatar technology existed 80 years ago it would be a bunch of giant blue racists running around and i'm pretty sure avatar strom thur monday
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wouldn't be okay with president obama! to me the fact we all eventually drop dead is not a bug, it's a feature! it's the only way we rid our society of old as (bleep)s! new guy? >> john: thank you, lewis. lewis black, ladies and
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(cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome back! my guest tonight a legendary singer whose new album "one true vine" will come out on june 25. now performing "can you get to that" please welcome the magnificent mavis staples. (cheers and applause) ♪
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♪ i looked in the mirror ♪ oh, but now i wonder why should i be surprised ♪ i like the things about me i like the things about me ♪ i like the things about me i like the things about me that i once despised ♪
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♪ basically come back can can you get to that ♪ can you get, i want to know can you get to that ♪ can you get ♪ i ban that know if you can get to that ♪ note can you get i want to know if you can get to the that ♪ can you get ♪ i want to know if you can get to that ♪ when you base your life on credit and your loving days are done ♪ checks you signed with a love and kiss eel will come back signed "insufficient funds" ♪ can you get ♪ i wanna know if you can get to that ♪ can you get ♪ i wanna know if you can get to
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that ♪ can you get ♪ i wanna know if you can get to that ♪ can you get ♪ i wan know know if you can get to that ♪ can you get ♪ i wanna know if you can get to that ♪ can you get ♪ i wanna know if you can get to that ♪ and aps and ap dddodoio3/3/s/3/to
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>> john: welcome back! we are hear what the fantastic mavis staples. mavis, i love the fact at the end of this song you just played there was a moment of quiet and you just said "yeah." (laughter) i don't think there's ever been a more merited "yeah." >> i couldn't help it, john. >> john: last time i saw you was in the rally to restore sanity and i was add -- dressed as peter pan. >> i tried to catch you but i couldn't catch you! >> john: i always thought i would meet a legend of music wearing green tights. and my most abiding memories are standing in the wings watching you and jeff tweety sing and realizing i was standing next to artie dee too. that was crazy. >> that was crazy and fun. and you ran off with divine! you had the green tights on. you said "i'm getting out of here with this vine." (laughs) >> john: so the new album is coming out in the a couple weeks and you're on tour, correct? >> i'm on tour.
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and it is. >> john: oh, it's england. i'm sorry. it's back on me, not on you. you're on tour. >> you threw me that time. you got me. but yes we're on tour. we're promoting our new c.d. "one true vine." >> john: you can catch mavis at the fonder theater on june 26. the album is called "one true vine." now playing us out with "i love the things about me" mavis staples ♪ ♪ i looked in the mirror and what did i see? ♪ a brand new image of the same old me
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♪ oh, but now i wonder why should i be surprised ♪ i like the things about me i like the things about me ♪ i like the things about me i like the things about me that i once despised ♪ there was a time i wished my hair was fine ♪ and i can remember when i wished my lips were thin ♪ oh, but now i wonder why should i be surprised ♪ i like the things about me i like the things about me ♪ i like the things about me i like the things about me that i once despised ♪