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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  September 3, 2013 9:30am-10:01am PDT

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>> that's our show. thank you so much. thank you so much for watching, please join news september when the real jon returns. i have loved this. here it is, your moment of zen. >> i said the first thing i was going to does as mayor was hold a press conference tearing out your-- tearing captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause )
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>> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you for joining us! >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much. (cheers and applause) folks, folks, you know we are still-- if you know anything about the news business, folks, august is notoriously a slow news month. who can forget the summer of '75 when walter cronkite did a ten part series on spoons, the middle child of the dinner table. (laughter) still, every few augusts you get a story so big you can't help but sink your teeth into it. and tonight i'm proud to say we have the latest on the gripping story of the rodeo
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clown who put on an obama mask. (laughter) yes, i'm sure you all know. some said the media would be thrown off this rodeo story in a second. (laughter) but nobody, nobody rides this kind of bull like the heroes of cable news. jim? >> from the state fair asked the crowd if they wanted to see a rodeo clown with an obama mask run down by a bull. another clown playing with the obama mask slips. >> a rodeo clown who performed during the missouri state fair while wearing a mask of president obama has been banned from performing at the missouri state fare ever again. >> the missouri rodeo cowboy association president, he also resigned in the midst of this clown fallout. >> there is some new fallout over this whole rodeo clown issue. the rodeo announcer at the event now stepping down as president of missouri's rodeo cowboy association has all of this gone way too
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far? >> stephen: oh, it's gone way too far. the clown's been fired. the announcer resigned. the cowboy association's president has resigned. and countless bulls have been jabbed in the gonads with electric cattle products. excuse me, i'm being told that last thing is just part of the entertainment, carry on. and folks, this story goes beyond the giant power vacuum atop missouri's rodeo cowboy association. it's much ado about nothing. and nobody adoes nothing like fox news dana perino. jim. >> rodeos, every president is always made fun of. they are the subject of ridicule. this is the height of achievement, to be made fun of by the rodeo clown, is actually success. this is a big deal if you get made fun of by the rodeo clown, you have made it. >> exactly. i mean nobel paez peace prize, meh, first black president, what else. but there is no higher honor
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than having a clown run around a dirt arena wearing a grotesque mask of your face while the announcer asked the cheering crowd who wants to see this guy trampled? and yes, barack obama has not thanked the rodeo clowns. i guess i shouldn't be surprised. he never seemed grateful when the tea party honored him with those charly chaplin mustaches. nation p if you know me, you know i love burning fossil fuels. and so does my pet lawn mower. and these days i can burn carbon to my heart content because america is enjoying a new golden age of flamm able. >> there are 36,000 fracking wells in this country. thousands more open up every year. the price of natural gas has dropped 86% from its high in 2008. we're actually about to start exporting it. >> you could wipe out the unemployment problem in this country overnight by fracking. >> an extraordinary ability now for america to extract
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its oil and natural gas and, you know, become, you know, energy independent, it's amazing, mazing for america. >> stephen: yes, it's absolutely amazing. energy is so cheap i can finally rolize my dream of making my furnace and air conditioner fight. (laughter) who loves me more, boys. america has found the goose that lays the golden egg. unfortunately, it is pooping all over our house. >> it killed the pond. it killed the fish. killed everything in the pond, no frogs, no turtles, nothing. >> they're poisoning you. and they're telling you there's nothing wrong. and you're the only one that has a problem. >> my kids started getting sick early on in the drill approximating process. sort of like a very bad intestinal bug. >> the image of water testing fire in the documentary gasland has come to symbolize the anti-fracking movement.
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>> now sure, maybe you can't wash your dishes any more. but on the bright side, now you've got a kiln to make new ones. and come on, we're trying to throw a fracking party here and these people are ruining it with their suffering. (laughter) it's like going to a barbecue and seeing a video on factory farming. i don't want to meet all 400 cows in my burger. (laughter) now fortunately, folks there is a way we can enjoy the fruits of fracking without feeling the guilt. and it brings us to tonight's word. (cheers and applause) gag gifts. folks, i'm a sensitive guy. i cried when those hunters shot bambi's mother. they should have shot his dad. he is a 10 point buck. so naturally i was touched when i heard about a family living near a pennsylvania fracking site who had to move because air and water contaminants caused them to experience burning eyes, sore throats, headaches and
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earaches. ultimately the family was able to get the company rang resources to agree to an out-of-court settlement for $750,000 to relocate. wow. for that kind of money you could buy something nice. now in return, in return the company simply asked for a signed statement from the family saying that it suffered no environmental health or safety impact from drilling adjacent to their property. and to agree to lifetime bans on what they can say. because if a tree falls in the forest and you pay the family who heard it not to talk, then it didn't make a sound. (laughter) (applause) now-- no wonder-- (cheers and applause) i say no wonder gag orders like this are so common. >> bloomberg reviewed hundreds of regulatory and legal filings and found drillers paying for silence over water contamination complaints in at least half a dozen states.
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>> stephen: they're everywhere, paying for silence is catching on like tap fire. (laughter) but folks, the fun part-- the fun part is that this gag order also included the family's two children ages 7 and 10. important lesson, kids, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. but even after-- even after they moved-- (applause) these crybabies are crying about their babies claiming that imposing a gag order on minors violates their first amendment rights. but judge paul pozonsky who approved the settlement had an airtight rebuttal saying that is a law school question, i guess. judge pozonsky has since resigned. now the problem-- (laughter) (applause) >> stephen: the problem is important, i think-- but the problem was enforcing a gag
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order on a 7-year-old, is that for the rest of their lives any time someone brings up fracking, the kids won't talk. but they'll have a haunted look in their eyes. like when you ask vietnam vets about agent orange or ask nbc executives about donald trump. (laughter) now-- people-- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: people might start to suspect that the kids think there's something wrong with fracking. we need some way to change what they think. maybe, i don't know, maybe drill into their skulls and inject new thoughts into their brains under extreme economic pressure to shatter those old thoughts and then extract positive messages about fracking. now i guess-- folks-- i guess what i'm trying to say is-- (applause) i think, i guess what i'm
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trying to say is i wish there was a way my car could run by burning the innocence of children. anyway-- you know what, in a way it kind of does because these companies are just asking for kids to lie for money. and in order to get cheap oil, i think we're all willing to lie to ourselves about fracking. and that's the word. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) d(d!"d$àb88n3gf)"l
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thanks very much. hello to all of you here in the studio watching from home or reading my prompter at the nsa. spoiler alert, guys, this is the next sentence. now it's no secret i'm in favor of government surveillance. it's certainly no secret from the government. but ever since the leaks from nsa trader and guests
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at your wedding it no one seems to know, edward snowden, we've all had questions about domestic fines, how much do they know about it as much as facebook or nothing at all because they're using google plus. well, i have to hand it to the president for addressing america's concerns last week on the nbc nightly leno. >> there is no spying on americans. we don't have a domestic spying program. >> stephen: see, no domestic spying program. because it's clearly not dom es at this kated. it's not even housebroken. look at all the leaks. the point is they're not spying on us, end of story. now the rest of the story is that the president gave us more details about the program that we don't have at a secret press conference. secret in that it was held at 3 p.m. on a friday in august. by then wolf blitzer is already three margaritas deep in the situationar.
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and-- that was good, that was fun. and nation, the president has heard your calls for more oversight. in fact, he's heard all your calls. but maybe just maybe not any more. >> we're forming a high level group of outside experts to review our entire intelligence and communication technologies. i'm tasking this independent group to step back and review our capabilities. >> stephen: see, outside experts, independent groups, which will be close enby independent outside director of national intelligence james-- the guy who lied to congress about the spying program five months ago, but assured us that he was being the least untruthful he could. (laughter) and i am confident, ladies and gentlemen, i'm confident that the group's report will contain the most transparent bloep bloep legally allowed.
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(cheers and applause) all this new reviewing and oversighting is important to reassure the public as the president explained in terms we can all understand. >> if i tell michelle that i did the dishes, now granted in the white house i don't do the dishes that much. but back in the day, and she is a little skeptical. well, i would like her to trust me but maybe i need to bring her back and show her the dishes. and not just have her take my word for it. >> stephen: and folks, i can understand why she would be skeptical. because he just went on leno and said we don't have a domestic dish program. now bottom line-- bottom line, folks, i believe what the president is trying to say is that our dishwashers
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are recording everything we say. now to be clear-- (applause) >> stephen: yes. now to be clear these reforms had nothing to do with the disclosures of edward snowden. >> i called for a thorough review of our surveillance operations before mr. snowden made these leaks. i actually think we would have gotten to the same place. >> yeah, he called for these a long time ago. he would have gotten to the same place which means that ed snowden has ruined the president's surprise. barack obama, barack obama was planning all along to throw a big transparent-- transparency party and hold the same press conference. in fact, i've got a copy of the president's speech that we never got to hear. here we go, all right. >> my fellow americans, i come to you with porn news.
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there are some secret things you don't know about, that if you had known about them might have made you angry, well, good news, we are making significant reductions in those things which to be clear i'm not saying we are doing, but rest assured we are not doing them for your own good and are now not doing them in a safe and responsible manner. i will now not take your questions. we'll be right back. kmeers plaus /uruuujj
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>> welcome back, everybody. pie guest tonight, please welcome richard brodhead. (cheers and applause) >> nice to meet you. >> all right, sir. professor richard brodhead. >> that would be me.
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>> all right, duke university, president of duke, co-chair of the commission on the humannities and social sciences, created by the american academy of arts and science. and you have a new report called the heart of the matter. first of all, what is the american academy of arts and sciences? >> it's -- >> is that a taxpayer boondoggle? >> you will be sorry to hear that it isn't. >> stephen: all right. >> it's a scholarly society that represents people across all the fields of learning. >> stephen: was's your field of learning before we get in this. >> my degree is in english. >> stephen: english major, you went for the-- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: all right. you went for the big cash. >> that's right. >> stephen: all right. >> now i'm on your show. >> stephen: all right, yeah. it worked out. >> uh-huh. >> stephen: let's give the humannities the colbert bump. all right, you lament. we can do it, we can do it if you want. there you go. (cheers and applause) you lament in this report the fall of the humannities in our universities.
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people are not becoming humannities majors any more. why do you think that is? >> well, you overstated. it's not some of the decline as we think that all across american life starting in kindergarten through 12th grade through college and through later life there's a hunger for the things the humannities supply. and people haven't paid it as much attention. >> stephen: of course we are humans, of course we hunger for the humannities. >> well, then what is the humannities. >> i don't know, actually. >> well, i will tell you. >> stephen: not a humannities major, i don't know. >> the humannities is humans studying the things other humans have achieved and suffered and struggled for in other times and places. >> stephen: but does that how our education system has become, we have to teach our children how to be human. when i was a kid you popped out of the womb and you knew, you kind of had a feel for it. >> well, those were the days. >> stephen: they were. now you say-- you say-- you say i'm overstating the
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case. but you also say in here that english majors are at an all-time low. >> the figures about who majors in what isn't the most important thing. it's about how much emphasis. we are talking in favor of the support of a broad version of education that arches from the sciences to the humannities, that starts early and continues all through people's lives. that's what gives people the full set of equipment they need for employment, for personal pleasure, for all the things that education has been -- >> okay. but you're-- (applause) >> stephen: obviously, you know, you-- you're a humannities guy and so you think we should have the humanities in our lives. but if you were not the president of duke but instead were perhaps the president of a technical training institute. >> okay. >> stephen: wouldn't you be talking about the beauty of draining freon from an ac unit? >> well, i will tell you, this commission that i co-chaired had on it some presidents of universities,
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it had on it some scholars but it also had the c.e.o. of boeing. it had the former governor of tennessee was a member on it, it had the person who heads the largest community college in america. and all of them argued for the long-term value of the kind of thins that the humannities teaches. all of them did. i will tell you something especially interesting, the former president of m.i.t. who is now the head of the national academy of engineers was on our committee. you know, he says engineers need to do more than engineering. they need to be able to communicate in order for the full value of their education. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: let me tell you this is the report. it's called the heart of the matter. i see you sprung for the fancy binder to try to get a better grade. but i want to point out something here. look at your margins. look at your margins, right here. you're clearly trying to stretch this. if you properly formatted this it would be like 8 pages long.
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>> all serious readers know that margins are to keep your notes in. >> stephen: glad i'm not a serious reader. i would feel bad that i didn't know that. >> can i-- you're a bit of an expert on melville and hawthorne. >> that's right. >> stephen: can i ask you something about melville about mobbee dick. >> yeah. >> stephen: that's a big book, okay. i've got a buchl copy of it, hand tooled leather, everything. i don't really want to crack it open because it will ruin the resale value. is moby dick a metaphor for the struggle of trying to read moby dick? (laughter) (applause) >> you missed your calling as a literary critic. >> stephen: i've got a fallback position. how does that pay? (laughter)
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>> i thought we already covered that. >> stephen: well, professor, thank you so much for joining me. >> thank you. >> stephen: the president of duke university. be an english major. we'll be right back.ñoñoñooçoço )bb0f[p"p"4dpñ
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