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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  September 20, 2013 1:35am-2:06am PDT

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>> jon: that's our show, join us next week at 11:00. here it is our moment of zen. >> we didn't really introduce you properly today, you know what day it is, right. >> no, what day is it. >> we should have introduced you as john harwood because
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: right there, come on. you and you and you. >> steve en, stephen, steph en! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! dheers plaus. >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. it is out there. ladies and gentlemen. please, folks, nation, i
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will make one thing perfectly clear about how i feel, all right. nation, do not get me wrong, michelle obama is a lovely lady, friend of the show. but ever since she started her let's move campaign to combat childhood obesity, she's been cramming her pro-health agenda down our throats, throats that should be packed with chili cheese fries. (laughter) as god intended. well, the nanny-in-chief has gone too far. >> michelle obama has encouraged americans to eat better and get more exercise. now she wants people to drij more water. >> water is the best and easiest choice we can make to feel energized, focused, healthy and refreshed. >> drink just one more class of water a day and you can make a real difference for your health. >> stephen: one more class of water a day? but then i would be drinking one glass of water a day. (laughter) do you realize that water is
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the same thing they put in toilets? think, like just listen the reason behind this. >> the center for disease control says that more than 40% of american does not drink enough water daily. and 7% of americans don't drink any water. >> stephen: maybe so, but those 7% get plenty of hydration from watermelon flavored jolly ranchers. (laughter) watt certificate right in the name. excuse me, i dropped my pen i'm so angry. (laughter) folks, and may i remind you that jesus hated water. (laughter) yes. that's why he turned it into wine. in fact, he refused to even get into it. and folks t is time to fight back against the forces of big hydration. so tonight i am calling on all americans to just say h2-no
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and boycott water. do to the drink it and do not use it for anything. okay? if you want some kool-aid, do what i do and just snort the powder. (laughter) of course it's not just michelle, i'm also not a huge fan of barack. from day one i have vowed to stop obamacare or die trying. and knowing my luck i'd almost die and then get nursed back to life by obamacare. and folks, i am not alone in my crusade. yesterday the republican leadership announced their simple yet simple minded plan to cripple all government health care. >> the groundwork has been set for a monumental showdown on capitol hill and it all comes down to a very simple formula, either democrats vote to defund the train wreck that is obamacare or they will risk shutting down the federal government. >> this week the house will pass a cr, that-- obamacare.
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>> can you see the smile on my face. i'm so happy because i think we're getting to a consensus with the republicans. i think we can take a victory lap. >> stephen: yes, a victory lap because obamacare is dead! (cheers and applause) weather or not! weather or not! -- whooo! >> maybe. because there are still a view wrinkles to iron out before this brave act of extortion takes effect. >> you know that these things probably won't pass the democratically controlled senate and the
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president would veto it even if it did. >> they're putting something in there that is absolutely a nonstarter. this is like saying we can pass a budget if you can prove there's life on mars. >> stephen: but if there is life on mars at least it's going to have to buy its own health care. and folks, when it comes to stopping obama care there is no time to lose because the stool sample is about to hit the fan. >> two weeks from today the first americans can start signing up for the exchanges under obamacare. it's the first of october. >> stephen: obamacare is coming, folks, run for your lives, no, wait, don't run for your lives, that will make you healthier and that's just what he wants! (cheers and applause) folks, worse, worse-- got to remember that. and folks, worse than the costs or the bureaucrats on the death panels, the most dangerous thing about obamacare is that people might like it. (laughter)
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as conservative writer byron york recently yorked, the white house knows that once those payments begin repeal og bamacare will no longer be an abstract question of removing legislation not yet in effect. instead it will be a very real matter of taking money away from people it is very, very hard to do that. >> yeah. >> stephen: it's like the old saying, give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. try to take that fish away again and that guy will [bleep] you up with a halibut. (cheers and applause) and folks, the key to implementing the president's plan are the so-called obamacare navigators. now what does an obamacare navigator do? so you're asking with what does an obamacare navigator do? >> stephen: yes, i am. >> they help uninsured residents sign up for the state's expanded insurance program. >> stephen: thank you,on. they help you learn about
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obamacare. that's why republican lawmakers are restricting and regulating health care navigators in 16 dates. in 16 states. they are withholding information from the public. and no one is working harder to keep their citizens in the dark than the sunshine state. jim? >> tension over how to implement the affordable care ago or o bam ra rar-- obamacare appears to be surfacing again in florida. this time it has to do with the so-called fav gators who are supposed to help people wade through the system to sign for health coverage. the florida department of health is saying that those navigators can't operate inside county health department offices. >> the state department of health put out a notice saying navigator its couldn't, quote, conduct activities on the grounds of the health department. >> stephen: yes, we need to keep the health care navigators away from the uninsured. because shouldn't the search for health care really be more about the journey? (laughter) besides, besides, folks, just who are these navigators?
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they could be dangerous. i mean just listen florida attorney general and friend's mom you had a crush on pam bondi. >> these navigators will help our consumers throughout the country most personal and private information. tax return information, social security information, and our biggest fear, of course, is identity theft. >> stephen: yes, these navigator kos steal the identity of the uninsured poor. that could ruin their credit rating. that's why florida is putting another safeguard against the poor learning about obamacare. while health centres can accept brochures and other outreach material about insurance, the materials will only be distributed if someone asks for it. that makes sense. you can only ask for the material that will inform you about the program if you know about the program enough to ask for the material.
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then, then-- (applause) >> then you just have to fill out the mobius form. hopefully, folks, hopefully one of these plans will kilo bamacare, if not, i guess republicans can just vote to repeal it again and yes, i know they've already tried that 41 times, but you know what they say, if at first you don't succeed try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try again. and if that fails, try, try, try, try, try, try, try-- we'll be right back. tri, tri, tri, tri, tri, trii, $"á iikikpdwn 6[yjmñññ((jq0dhdl
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thanks so much folks, you know they say two wrongs don't make a right. but i reserve the right to say they're wrong twice. this is tip of the hat, the wag of the finger. (cheers and applause) nation, i'm no fan of muslim extremists but to fight extremists sometimes you have to think like extremists, or the very least know their dietary restrictions. >> would you expect to see pork on your breakfast plate or perhaps in your san witch but how about in your guns, ammunition? >> stephen: no, i had not thought of that. please go on.
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>> a company in north idaho is selling these bullets, they're called jihawg ammo. they target islamic extremists because in that religious anything made with pork is considered unclean. >> stephen: no unclean western will be admit mood paradise an receive the 72 virgins they are promised after death. >> stephen: that's right. now i did not think it was possible but they have made bacon slightly more bad for you. (laughter) so folks, a tip of my hat to hamunition. you see nonhalal bullets are the perfect way to sen our enemy the message that we only linlted at when we killed them-- hinted at when we killed them. and you can trust the folks at jihawg because according to their web site they came up with the idea while sitting around a camp fire enjoying an adult beverage. (cheers and applause) that is, of course, always how you get the best ideas.
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remember, jonas salk came up with the polio vaccine while huffing rust olium around a trash can fire. and jihawg does not skimp on quality. they brag that their porcine coating is infused with the highest quality pork products made right here in america. because, ladies and gentlemen, when you're shooting someone, you cannot settle for substandard pig slurry. my only worry is that no american is going to waste bacon bullets on their enemies. they're going to want to fire them directly into their own mouths. i know i am always looking for faster ways to get salted meets into my face. but as good as they are, bullets are kind of small portions so i'm call on jihawg ammo to step it up and invent the hamgrenade. folks, a wag of my finger at sexiest-- sexiest man alive
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george clooney. he's always sticking his perfectly formed nose where it does not belong. and now he is doing it with technology. >> george clooney has his eyes in the skies. the actor tells the guardian that he's using a spy satellite to track the dictator omar al-bashir. he keeps a watch on the dictator he army an informs on their movement. >> stephen: clooney, nobody cares if you tie your kite and fly it over africa. look f are you serious, if you really want anyone to pay attention to al-bashir, put your money where your mouth is and start dating him. okay? make him your go-to arm candy on the red carpet. you do this, and it won't be long until the press gives you guys a cute couple's name like geomar al balloony. in fact, i say we should make all of our wanted criminals a-list lens meat. i mean it took the cia over
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a decade to find bin ladenment but if the tmz had been on the case they would have found him in four days and gotten an uprobe shot. we'll be right back. 0q8t8t ñ.ñ.ñ..ñ
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody, my guest tonight is a singer/songwriter whose new album is called from here to now to you. but if he's here to now to you, then who is there to
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then to me. please welcome jack johnson. (cheers and applause) hey, jack, good to see you, thanks for coming on. jack, thanks for coming on, man. >> my pleasure. >> stephen: how are you. >> great. >> stephen: now listen, the few people out there who may not know what a big deal you are, you stole 15 million albums, you're a singering songwriter, surfer, filmmaker-- and you grew up in hawaii, right? >> right. >> stephen: so let me begin by saying aloha. >> aloha. >> stephen: and by that of course i mean hello-ha. >> not the good-bye aloha because that would be inappropriate. >> -- what does that mean. >> just back to you. >> stephen: back to you, okay. i'm a fan of your music, done get me wrong, okay am but i got a problem with you, okay. i like rock 'n' roll because i'm not afraid of rock 'n' roll, rock 'n' roll, i request keep my and we are a lot of rock 'n' roll.
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because there is some anger in rock 'n' roll, you know. your music is so chillax that i'm afraid i won't be able to keep my rage. >> how you can be so chill. where do you put your rage? do you store in anywhere on your body? perhaps your-- perhaps your feet? that's why shoes just burst into flames when you put them on? >> it's a common misconception. >> stephen: you have no anger. >> no, i do. >> the rock 'n' roll, actually we have a thing called the-- awards in hawaii, our grammy's and i won best rock album so it is's all relative. i was rock the hardest of anybody that year. (laughter) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: don't get me wrong, don't get me wrong, i like the music but you rocked the hardest? in hawaii. >> you're insulting all of hawaii right now. >> stephen: no, no, no, not at all. not at all.
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i guess it is hard to thrash on a ukelele. >> i'll give that you. >> stephen: all right. now you write a lot of love songs, okay. >> i'll give that you. >> stephen: how many love songs have you written to your wife? >> i don't know. probably 30, 40. >> stephen: really? >> yeah. >> stephen: wow. has she forgiven you yet for whatever it was? >> i think so. >> stephen: yeah, because how do you-- how does a jack johnson relax, you know what i mean. because if your career, if your career path is strumming on a guitar and singing to the ocean, how do you kickback, like crawl into a pillowcase full of baby lambs or-- get a massage from a octopus made of feathers? how do you-- was's relaxing to you because your work is relaxing? >> yeah, i don't know. >> stephen: would you like to join me? would you like to join me in
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trying to keep a feather afloat. >> sure. >> stephen: do we do it together. >> stephen: we'll go back and forth. >> when it comes closer. >> stephen: i'll send it over there, you ready? (laughter) >> oh (cheers and applause) >> stephen: well owe be right back with a performance by jackson son. (cheers and applause)
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>> stephen: here to perform a song off his new album from here to now to you, ladies and gentlemen, jack con son with bahamas. (cheers and applause)
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♪ ♪ got to get home ♪ roots on the ground ♪ the birds are back ♪ whistled just that ♪ the young learn to fly ♪ ♪ i can't believe that my tree is dead ♪ ♪ started with sleeping ♪ i guess it got fed up with not being fed ♪ ♪ and i would be too ♪ i need food in my belly ♪ so i tried to understand ♪ what i can net in my
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hand ♪ ♪ whatever i find ♪ find my way back to you ♪ if you could try to find too ♪ ♪ the place overgrown ♪ the wax and no ♪ wherever we are ♪ back of my house there's a trail that won't end ♪ ♪ we went walking so far ♪ it grew back in ♪ and now there is no tread at all ♪ ♪ the grass growing tall ♪ get my machete ♪ and battle with time once again ♪ ♪ i'm bound to lose ♪ all be damned if we don't win ♪ ♪ got to get home ♪ there's a garden ♪ reading begins
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♪ old family trees ♪ spread their own roots ♪ and watch the young ♪ grow again ♪ this old slednote ♪ will grow right back to where it began ♪ ♪ i try to understand ♪ what i can ♪ in my hand ♪ and whatever i find ♪ find my way back to you ♪xd if you try to find it too ♪ ♪ because this place is overgrown ♪ ♪ home is wherever we are ♪ home is wherever we are ♪ ♪ home is wherever we are ♪