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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  September 26, 2013 6:50pm-7:26pm PDT

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weird fetish stuff. the problem is, there's never been a video with everything until now. [kitten mewing] >> hey! >> hey, kid! [laughs] [tires squeal] [laughter] >> aah! godzilla! [godzilla roaring]
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[laughter] ♪ >> yeah! oh! [laughs] >> help! my baby's on fire! [laughter] [vomits] [laughter] >> thank you. [baby gurgling] [laughter] >> see you next season. good night. [cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause )
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>> stephen: whooo! whooo! welcome to the report, everybody! good to have you with us. thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. oh! oh, nation! >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. are you sunshine on the roses of my patriotism. and you know, nation, there is nothing more precious in america than the first amendment. without it, i would not have this show to convince you that there's nothing more precious than the second amendment. ( laughter ) and that's why it is my duty to fight censorship wherever and whenever i have cleared it.
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naturally, i am outraged on a recent clamp-down on one of the america's bastions of freedom. >> it's no shock to anyone on youtube. users on the web site can be mean and downright northwest. google is now hoping to change that. the youtube owners have just rolled out a new system that will put the top comment from people you know or care about, not just who has commented most recently. video creators will also get to moderate conversations and block certain words. >> stephen: nation, this is an unprecedented attack on free speech. youtube comments are the freest speech there is, from of free from punctuation. free from spelling. apparently, free from medicati medication. the youtube comment section is the internet's town square air, place where citizens of all mankind can join in a global dialogue on such timeless topics on whether that teen sing "call me maybe" in a rambo wig in a bedroom should kill yourself
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right now suck horse balls. personally, i dont think he should. but i will defend to the death for you to post it. folks, utwiewb uploaders can silence descenters, we'll forever lose thought-provoking changes like this one beneath an old huskers du video: "musicdood: great song never heard them before." "taintguitar-21: ur homo." "utah-ferret-lover ( bleep ) motherhead rules!" "ron paul 2012." ( laughter ) ( applause ). that's why tonight i have penned a protest letter to stop this censorship. i want you to go to car, calm the letter and post it under every youtube video you see. he commenters of youtube, believe in free speeches strongly as we believe in free video of animals dressed like other animals. therefore, we hereby declare: you can make up to $88 an hour working from your house. click here for one weird tip on how to lose your bellyfat. you are homo. ron paul 2012!"
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( cheers and applause ) obviously, that's just a suggestion. feel free to personalize it with an extra "you are homo." inaction, you know, when i play sports, i don't wear a cup. i need a quart. this is the sporreport. ...nation, are you ready for soe football! ( cheers and applause ) well, good, because i don't think football is. because the cranium coddlers out there keep ruining the game. new penalties for violating n.c.a.a. rules on targeting defenseless players above the head are already having an impact on college football. >> you cannot hit a player in the head this year.
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that is the situation. >> stephen: that is the situation? i mean, come on! since when did people's heads get so vulnerable? last time i checked, we're all wearing bone helmets around our think meat. ( laughter ) this is a slippery slope, folks. today you can't hit someone in the head. tomorrow the quarterback has to play the whole game strapped into a car seat. ( laughter ) look, i believe this is a war on america's game, right, fox news' "the five." >> the war on football. >> i do think there's a war on football. >> they want to wussify america and this is another example of how the with usification of america will ruin us in the future. >> the tackle dummy is right. america is getting with usified, starting with the word with use, which is the with use's way of saying pussy. iso what if football players tae their lives into their hands every sunday.
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football is as american as war. right, andrea tantaros? >> there's a lot of similarities to the military. think about this-- the language they use "touching down. ground game." >> stephen: right you are, andrea. i love it when someone scores a touching down. and then kicks the fielding goal. the point is, all this worry over head trauma is a waste of energy. you can still have a long and productive career with a debilitating concussion. i mean, just look at the 5 5s. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) big gans of the 5s tonight. folks, you know, i've never liked chess. i'm a traditionalist. if i want to lose to a computer or something, i'll just try to update windows. you win again, you bastard! now, folks i am not the only one trying to keep chess in chess.
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>> the "san francisco chronicle" reports police are cracking crack down on street chess. for decades police pooem have gathered to play street chess on midmarket street. many are homeless. >> stephen: finally sudden frankers are safe from the public menace of chessing which has turned the tender loin neighborhood into a hot bed for illegal gambling, drug and alcohol use, violence, even barbecue wings. yes, grilled meats have no place in a neighborhood called the tender loin. ( laughter ) clearly, folks, chess is a dangerous game and too many of our parks and public spaces are devolving into 16-on-16 brawls, many with racial overtones. for more we turn to the spor-report's longtime chess correspondent... ladies and gentlemen, weighy 150 pounds
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floyd money mayweather! ( cheers and applause ) how are you, man? sit down. ( cheers and applause ) floyd-- floyd, it's always good to see you. now, floyd you are the unified super welterweight world champion. you've won 10 world titles across five different weight classes. you're undefeated as a professional fighter, pound per pound the greatest boxer of all time. but more importantly, you play chess. >> i love chess, stephen. the sweet science. >> stephen: floyd, my friend, is chess as dangerous as the san francisco police say? >> it can be, stephen, but with
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training, chess can be a symphony of tactics, skills, and creativity. >> stephen: it sound to me like it's a symphony of drugs, vice presidency, and barbecue. ( laughter ) >> stephen, there are always going to be some bad apples on the chess board. but you've got to understand, for kids in a tough neighborhood, chess is the only way out. they can pick up the game for the wrong reasons-- money, women, fame, how it looks on a college application. >> stephen: floyd, how did you stay straight? >> well, i was lucky. my father but a bishop in my hand when i was three. by the time i was six, i check mated a man twice whie size. >> stephen: speaking of which, my friend, you have a big game coming up facing world champion magnus carlsen, in reykjavik, iceland. what do you expect from magnus? >> you know my boy mag flu boy s very aggressive.
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he brings his queen out early. >> stephen: bold move, how do you think you'll respond? >> most likely, i'll punch him in the face. ( laughter ) ( applause ). >> stephen: that's why you're the champ! floyd mayweather, everybody! )p
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( cheers and applause ) welcome back, everybody, thank you so much. nation, i don't know if you've been watching the news, but what an historic night. destined to be down in the anuls of importance. last one devoted crusader-- or should i say one devo-ted-cruz-ator-- talked about the need to defund obamacare for 21 hours and 19 minute and did what many thought was impossible-- make the senate even less productive. jim. >> i intend to speak in support of defunding obamacare. until i'm no longera able to stand. all across this country, americans are suffering because of obamacare. obamacare isn't working. what might be as intimidating as obamacare. chinese gooseberries actually come from new zealand. some time ago i tweetd a speech
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that ashton kutcher gave me. number one, as a consumer, i'm a big fan of eating white castle burgers. >> stephen: inspiring, just like the seen in "mr. smith goes to washington" where jimmy stewart gets some bad acid and talks to a coat rack for 12 hours. but, folks, cruz didn't just criticize obamacare. he offered a practical alternative. >> so i want to point out just a few words of wisdom from dwuk dynasty. you put five red necks on a mower it's going to be epic. redneck rule number one-- most things can be fixed with duct tape and extension cords. >> stephen: see, america, you don't need health care. if you have a medical emergency, just go to home depot. this courageous man is fighting to defund obamacare by filibustering a bill that defunds obamacare. and what makes it truly courageous, the bill was his idea. and it's not really a
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filibuster. cruz knew in advance he'd have to yield the floor by noon today. i believe the room was booked for danny goldstein's bar mitzvah. mazel tov, danny. but if it's not a filibuster, then what do we call it? >> it is important to note this effort from senator cruz is technically not a filibuster. >> what looks like a filibuster and feels like a filibuster but is not a filibuster. >> to be honest with you, we're trying to sort out what exactly to call this. >> a filibuster is an oracle fireworks show. >> it's a political theater of the absurd. >> stephen: yes, theater of the absurd. frankly, i think all theater's absurd. i mean i pay the money. why can't i stab julius caesar? the point is, whatever you call it, the people love it. >> if you're going about living your life in green bay, wisconsin, and you're not paying attention this every single twist and turn, that's what you're going to remember from this fight is ted cruz is the one who was out there fighting
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obamacare i you. >> stephen: know what? that would make a great campaign slogan in 2016-- "cruz for from the you're not paying atten
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scheerp scheerp are ar>> stephet has written and stars in the film "don jon." sounds like somebody should win an oscar for trying too hard. please welcome joseph gordon-levitt. ( cheers and applause ) nice to see you. what a pleasure to have you on. >> it's a pleasure to be on this show. i'm a big fan of the show. i think you do a service to put this out in the world. so thank you. >> stephen: thank you very much. wow. ( cheers and applause ). >> i love your show. >> stephen: you are-- you're one of the heroes. >> thanks, man. >> stephen: joseph gordon-levitt, you're an actor, director, writer, producer. your credits include, "angels in
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the outfield" "10 things i hate about ow," "third rock from the sun" "500 days of summer." the of "the dark knight rises." your new film is called "don jon." >> correct. >> stephen? "don jon" you play a guy who has trouble related to women? >> hes does does. he has trouble relating to everything. he doesn't connect with anybody. his whole life is sort of a one-we street, and you see it especially with his love life and sex life because he's constantly comparing women to the images he sees on tv and movies and especially in pornography. >> stephen: especially in pornography videos. this tape is what i would call an unvarnished look at this character's relationship to pornography. >> indeed. then there's the scarlet johannsen character who also watches too many romantic hollywood movies. so you have this relationship between these two people who have these unrealistic expectation of what love is supposed to be and sex is
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suppose to be. >> stephen: i think we have a clip. jimmy. >> all right, i had a few drinks the other night, so i may not have remembered telling you my first name, but i definitely did not tell you my last name. don't lie to me. look, you don't know me, so i'll let you off the hook this time. but in the future, you'll be happier if you tell me the truth. >> i'll be happier? >> you don't think i could make you happier if i wanted to? >> stephen: that has got to be the softest porn i have ever seen, extra soft. this is a guy who can't find a woman he can really relate to, which is always disappointing because even when he is having sex with a woman because he's like there isn't like the porno i just saw. >> when you look at a clip of pornography, you don't have to deal with the person. >> stephen: i wouldn't know. >> i wouldn't know, either. >> stephen: you know what i like to say-- pornography masturbates to me.
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( cheers and applause ) okay, so he's just-- >> stephen: >> people masturbate to me. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: you should put that on a business card. wait, you've got these unrealistic expectations. and-- you're an actor, though. okay. you've been an actor since how old? >> since i was six. >> stephen: since you were six years old. our images that we get from hollywood, none of them are realistic. >> they're crafted illusions to tell a story. >> stephen: another all right. so it's not just lik like pornokraphy or romantic comedy. isn't everything giving us a false view of real life? >> i agree. like i said, the scarlet johawnsen character is watching a romantic hollywood movie. there is a scene at the dinner table where tony danza is playing my dad-- ( cheers and applause ). >> yeah, let's hear it from tony
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dans danza and we're watching a movie where a hot chick is eating a hamburger and people ask me, is that a real complecial? it is a real commercial. >> stephen: hasn't your career done the same thing. >> exploited -- >> stephen: what do i know about the real joseph gordon-levitt? i mean, to i have unrealistic expectations of who are you? >> probably. >> stephen: because i imagine you as a young, attractive guy, who looks good shooting a gun and dating zoe deschnel. with which roles have you played is closest to the real you? and please don't say the guy in "don jon." >> yes, probably not that one. i would-- i don't know. there was a movie called "brick" that reminded me of me a little bit. that's a highly stylized detective movie so i don't be what that says about me. but, no, it's true. look, when i'm playing a character i am looking to try to tell a story and make a connection with the audience who
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is watching the movie. in a pornography clip or other movie or commercials they're not really trying to connect with an audience so much as take their money. >> stephen: that's right what i admire about pornography. it is a sound business mod glel did you ever watch porn ever? >> stephen: i don't know what you're talk about. i hear great things. where do you think you learn what makes a woman sexy? >> stephen: the bible. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i'm not an actor. i don't know how this works. as an actor, your character besides all these images of justification of women in the real world, your character masturbates a lot to internet porn. how hard it was to get into character? ( laughter ) and are you in character right now?
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>> stephen: this speaks to something in comedy called satire which i know you wouldn't really know much about that. but in the world of comedy, you have a technique called satire where i'm playing a character in the movie that's different from me. and the thing that the character says and does and believes are different from the things i say and do and believe. and i put those things in the movie and try to get the audience to laugh and think about things. not that you would-- i'm explaining it to you because i know you're a serious journalist. but that's how we do it in show business. >> stephen: i did not follow. have you met floyd may weather? >> no i have never met him before. >> stephen: go backstage and take a poke at him? >> i'm bigger than he is, actually, i think. >> stephen: can i come back and watch? >> stephen: joseph gordon-levitt, thank you so much for joining me. the movie is "don jon." we'll be right back.
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( cheers and applause ) that's it
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>> september 25, 2013. from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart.
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[cheers & applause] >> jon: hey, everybody! welcome to "the daily show." i'm jon stewart. guests tonight, atoms for peace. [cheers & applause] as you know, that is a band and also the slogan of the iranian nuclear program. thom yorke from radiohead, flea from the chili peppers. very talented group. we've wasted too much time. we have to get to the senate florida. texas senator ted cruz has been speaking with authority. >> i rise today in an effort to speak for 26 million texans. and for 300 million americans. as americans, we value liberty and opportunity above all else. what the american people are interested in is what we've all
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been interested in. >> jon: stuff-crusted pizza. no, wait! tacos made from doritos. no. frappe. >> what we've always been interested in, which is freedom. >> jon: didn't see that coming. does freedom have cheese stuffed in its crust? [laughter] clearly senator cruz believes our freedom is under assault. senator cruz, would you care to offer a historical precedent that you feel is appropriate to the threat that we now face? >> if you go to the 1940s, nazi germany. >> jon: nazi germany? [laughter] why, that's my least favorite kind of germany. [laughter] you have your regular germany, your hasselhoffs. but oh, my god, ted cruz says
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we're at defcon nazi. >> what we saw in britian, neville chamberlain that told the british people, except the nazis, yes, they'll dominate the continent of europe. that's not our prop. let's appease. in america, there were voices that listened to that. i guess there's the same pundits. if it was the 40s, we would be listening to them. >> jon: let's not listen to the nazi appeasers. what is this it that these hitler lovers believe we can't do but that you say we should be doing? to save our stuffed crust freedom? >> i rise today in opposition. >> jon: i rise with you! [laughter] to defeat what i can only assume is the zombie apocalypse, which is clearly the only thing you're talking about given the level of rhetoric you've used thus far. >> inpp