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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  November 7, 2013 9:30am-10:01am PST

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>> jon: that's our show, join us torjs here is your moment of zen. >> i have had a lot of people ask me for hugs. a lot of people. >> will you get your hugs later, brother. >> i guess there is open bar
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>> stephen: whooo! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: feel the electricity in the room right now, oh, thank you so much. they are a live wire! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: this room is so electrickically charged right now, i wish i was wearing rubber pants. now folks thank you for coming to the show. thank you for joining us. good to have you here and i'm sorry to bring you bad news. but ladies and gentlemen, america has lost another battle in the culture war. which is surprising because we've got all the guns. (laughter)
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this time the battlefield is comic books. and folks,s that saddens me because i'm a fan. they have everything i love. colourful pictures, and a lack of grammar. hulk mash, stephen like. and tonight, folks, i got a real bee in my cape over a dangerous they edition to the marvel universe. >> marvel comics is rebooting a popular superhero and she is among the first to be both female and muslim. they're bringing back miss marvel, a 16-year-old daughter of pakistani immigrants living in new jersey. >> stephen: thank you for that report on miss marvel, miss rodra-gweez. folks, this-- (laughter) this affront has taken me aback. a muslim cannot be a superhero, for pete's sakes, they're on the no fly list. (laughter) her name is kamala khan and as miss marvel, she can grow
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and shrink her limbs and her body, and shape shift into other forms. folks, if she can shape shift, that means literally anything could be muslim. a lamp, a sandwich, a tiger, a nonthreatening muslim. (laughter) it's even more upsetting when you consider the original miss marvel. she was wholesome and all-american. blond, family valued with two bulging chest muscles. and clearly wearing her sunday church panties. (laughter) this is nothing more than sharia creep plain and simple. first she's a comic character. then she gets her own movie, then action figures, the next thing you know, my kids are dressing up as her for halloween and shouting trick or treat, death to captain america! it's coming. mark my words. nation, you know i am judge, jury and executioner so making love with me is a four-way. this is tip of the hat, wag
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of the finger. (cheers and applause) folk, i don't have to till the kids have lost out of what is important, all they care about is their tweeting and their twerking, rubbing your butt against things should be reserved for revenge against your boss. that's why personally i'm grateful our kids have one reliable source of good values, television ads. >> today we're taking some kids on the best field trip they could wish for, and they done even know it. >> hi, guys. i'm ranger brad. welcome aboard. we're not going to waste any time. let's play name that leaf. what's this one? he says it is an oak leaf. it is a field maple, that's okay. i'm a big fan of trees, i done know if you can tempt but we're not going to the forest today, we're going to tois tois, guys. -- toys r us. welcome to the world's
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greatest toy store! toys r us has really captured the magic of having a stranger take your kids on a bus, lie about where they're going then take off his clothes and promise him toys. but more importantly, more pornly, i want to give a big tip of the hat to toys r us for reminding our kids that nature sucks. this commercial shows kids the great outdoors is nothing compared to the majesty of a strip mall. and they still get some nature because remember, that confetti used to be a tree. besides nature is boring. i played in it once. it was nothing to buy, i had to pretend to stick with a sword or telescope or magic wand. that's too many option. kids need the clarity of a molded plastic nerf rifle. it's not just the forest that blows, it's the animals too.
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kids can learn a lot more from the animals of chuck e. cheese than they can from a polar bear at the zoo. i watched this guy for an hour, he -- play any bluegrass even after i threw a banjo at him. next up, folks, we only have so long on this planet. so when i die i want to be buried in the most massive mausoleum possible. that way i can spend eternity doing what i love most, take up more space than i need. (laughter) that's why i am so offended by this new product. >> a mushroom burial suit designed to help the body decompose after death is the latest concept turning heads at a convention downtown. >> it's a mushroom death suit embedded with an infinite mushroom spors designed to speed off-- feed off the body and speed up decomposition. >> speed up decomposition, i'm sorry, is my dead body not decomposing fast enough for you. how thoughtless of me. folks, i would not be caught dead in this mushroom death suit. which, incidentally, was also the name of my doom metal band.
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so i am giving a big wag of the finger to shroom tomb. folk, the burial industrial complex is rallying behind this mushroom shroud for the worst possible reasons. >> the idea to were tect the environment from toxic chemicals, the suit maker says r often associated with kre mation and graveyard burials. >> instead of kre mation we're looking at more green options, natural burial options and this lends itself to that. >> who are these monsters who turn my death into some kind of natural process? and personally i have no interest in the low grade shiitakes this thing will turn me into. to, if i'm turning into a fungus it had better become white premium truffles sniffed out by a boar in the forest of italy then shaved over a hedge fund manager's lynn queenee for $300 a plate. wow, wow. -- linguini. (applause)
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i sound delicious. i hope i die in time for me to eat myself. finally, folks, i love happy endings. i also enjoy stories that feel good at the conclusion. well here's one that is sure to warm the koch els of your heart. you all remember two years ago when the students at uc davis holding a sit-in terrorized the campus sidewalk with their butts and had to have their eyes pepper boarded. it was a dark story that gripped a nation. but will you be happy to know the victim has finally been compensated. >> john pike, the campus police officer at uc davis who pepper sprayed those protestors will receive $38,000 in workers comp for the depression and anxiety he suffered in the aftermath. >> stephen: folks-- i know, i'm happy too. it is the biggest payout for assaulting people's eyes since transformers 3. (laughter) so i want to give a tip of
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the hat to john pike for finally getting compensation for the brutality of john pike. this man cannot walk down the street without being called a pepper spray guy. and that stings. not as bad as pepper spray but still pretty bad. because the cornea coddlers out there turned this guy into the worst thing you could possibly become, an internet meme. an internet meme! so folks, pike has gotten justice. but what of the occupied protestors whose eyes were so dangerously squirtable. >> john pike will receive $38,000 in workers comp, by comparison the 21 people hit by the pepper spray and the otherwise peaceful protest, each received $30,000. >> stephen: sure, the protestors got less but on the bright side they beat the odds and actually made money with a liberal arts degree. (laughter) we'll be right back.
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(cheers and applause)
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>> stephen: welcome back, thank you so much. ladies and gentlemen, as you know, from watching the news and i hope you have before you come to the show, you got to do your homework. yesterday was election day. and barack obama once again managed to hold on to the presidency. wasn't even on the ballot. oh, and there's no voter fraud, right. but folks, there was some good electoral news. it looks like washington state voters have rejected initiative 522, which would have required warning labels for foods with genetically modified ingredients. thank goodness. folks, i believe it is none of our business what we're putting in our mouths. as a great man once said, ignorance is bliss. who was that man? don't know, don't want to know. (laughter) besides, i want genetically modified foods. because you are what you eat.
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and i'm hoping one day a mut ant tomato can give me heat vision. but some people are a against t jim? >> basically what it is, is food made in a laboratory. until the last 20 or 30 years this is food that has never existed before in humanity so it is made in a laboratory. over 60 countries around the world require gmos to be labeled but the u.s. does not. >> what's even scarier is that now people in just every day of their life and don't even know t it's right in our food. and they could be causing you disease. >> researchers have never found health consequences in humans from genetically modified foods. only in rats. >> see, just rats. and the only reason we do those experiments is to promote rat health. you want to make sure they're eating right. plus making businesses provide gmo warning label was cost us all money, right, lady news mouth. >> but some people say is to figure out if a food that might have a lot of ingredients are any of them
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genetically modified, does need to be labeled that that costs money and we would see more expensive food in our communities. >> yes, america's food manufacturers can't take the time and expense to find out if there is genetically modified ingredients in their food. they don't even know if there is food in their food. (laughter) and fox news understands where knowing things will lead. >> the real impact would come if you slapped this label on the product, you scared consumer as way, then the farmers have to go to less efficient techniques. >> that is when you stop seeing the seedless watermelon, the seeds come back. >> stephen: did you hear that? you hear that, no seedless watermelon. which by the way isn't even genetically modified. then what will we do, eat watermelons with seeds? what are we, animals? questioning what is on your plate is unamerican, folks. you think the pilgrims asked the indians oh, is this maize genetically modified? is this squash locally sourced? >> no, they ate it because
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they were starving. and every day americans honor the pilgrims by eating as if we are starving. andç just forget, please forget labeling at restaurant chains. i'm not interested in the contents of starbucks lemon loaf cake. the word loaf tells me all i need to know. and don't tell me about the anti-foaming agent in my chicken mcnug ets. that ruins the surprise when my mouth doesn't foam. i say we get rid of all labels. all food should come in an unmarked box. like my new line of snack foods stephen colbert's just eat it. every box comes with a complimentary blindfold. you put on the blindfold, open the box, and stick it in your mouth. (laughter) though word of warning, don't let it near your rat, or he is a dead man. we'll be right back. cheers because is welcome
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back, everybody, my guest tonight hosts a show on public radio as a tribute i'll be calling this one in, please welcome brian lehrer. (applause) plaus. >> stephen: brian, hey, nice to meet you, thanks for coming on. listen, i'm a long-time fan, first time hoster. thanks for coming on, for the people out there who perhaps do not get the radio
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in new york, you are the host of brian lehrer show near at wnyc here in new york. i think the finest local news in new york. >> (cheers and applause) >> because i generally don't do local news. >> no competition, that's good. >> stephen: all right. now brian, we have a new mayor in new york city. (cheers and applause) bill de blasio. and as a wealthy new yorker, i am terrified this guy ran on tax geigs like me. do you think that's going to happen? >> well, if you make more than $500,000-- . >> stephen: oh, yeah, yeah, oh yeah! >> which you don't have to disclose your entire 1040. >> stephen: oh i won't. >> he wants less than 1% more than you pay in taxes right now so that-- . >> stephen: what? >> every four-year-old can
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go to prek in new york city. >> stephen: why should i give my-- (applause) >> stephen: why should i be giving up 1% of my income so some stupid kid can go to prek. they can't even read yet, why are they going to school. >> you have a point about the failed toddler problem. we should give up o on more four-year-olds. >> stephen: at a certain point, you have to just you know, not throw good money after bad. (laughter) >> nevertheless, it looks like 's going to give it a shot. >> stephen: so do you think that is actually going happen? i know that is what he wants to do. but does he have the votes in the city council el to do it. >> you have to get votes from the state legislature. which is the weird thing about new york, that the state gets to decide whether the city raises taxes only on city residents. that's another good thing for him to fight. >> stephen: okay, but is he going to be able to get it? >> he might be able to get it i don't know. >> stephen: just make telephone up. >> yes. >> stephen: yes. okay, all right, all right.
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why did new york go for such a pinko like de blasio? i mean the only reason he won is because of his impossibleably cool looking kids, isn't that right? >> he's got very cool looking kids. >> stephen: yeah. >> but he also tapped into a certain unhappiness and anxiety in new york. in many ways michael bloombergs had been a fabulous mayor. however, we've got a boom in billionaires in new york city and a boom in poor people. and bloomberg didn't always seem to feel the poor people's pain. and so the time was ripe for somebody like de blasio to come along and run on inequality. >> stephen: but that's class warfare. >> i don't think you have to call it class warfare. >> stephen: you don't have to. but i'm willing to. (laughter) all right. you're welcome to. >> it's generous. maybe we'll v you know, classes that are a little closer together and then
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there won't be a reason for war. >> stephen: all right. but, are you a rich guy? >> no. >> stephen: i envy you. (laughter) because de blasio made guys like me seem like bad guys for not wanting to support poor people. because suddenly because i don't want there to be public housing any more. or i don't want children to get education, i'm a bad guy. that sour beautiful city right now that sour big beautiful city, a live shot right now, beautiful city. and he is going to turn that into public housing, you realize. >> no, no. >> stephen: he is going to, it, the whole thing will have laundry hanging from it. >> it's probably worth mentioning it that most of the rich people in new york voted for de blasio. he won like every demographic. >> stephen: what? well, that is true, de blasio got 73%, lhota was 24, which was not a percent, i think it was just 24 votes.
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>> i think. there will be no recouldn't in this election. >> stephen: why did lhota do so poorly,why couldn't he tap into anything. because bloomberg was essentially a republican. why couldn't you follow up with another republican? >> well, he tried. he didn't have the winning personality. he didn't have the kids. he didn't have the message, apparently, that was right for the time. >> stephen: do you think that his willingness to run over kittens with subway cars, because there were kittens on its tracks of the subway and he said i would not stop the subways to save the lives of kittens, which might be the first time a politician of any millennium ever said that. >> if may not have warmed his image very much. >> stephen: okay. what do you think bloomberg's legacy is going to be? >> bloomberg's legacy, besides what i said before about the boom if billionaires and the boom in poor people and him not quite getting people's pain in the last few years, is also going to be as probably the greatest public health
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mayor in the history of america. >> stephen: you mean nanny state mayor. >> you can call it nanny state mayor. >> stephen: i just did. >> if you want. >> stephen: i just z you mean like raising the smoking age, no more than 16 ounce of a soda, i don't think you're allowed to give children lollipops any more. >> the lollipop ban hasn't been proposed as far as i know. >> stephen: because he got resistance from the lollipop guild. yeah. (cheers and applause) now what about right across the river, right over there, right o cross the river in new jersey, chris christie won in a blue state, why de win in a blue state, was it just his response to sandy or something else about chris christie that appeals to people. because they had a really strong candidate against him. they had the lady with the hair and the face what was her name? >> barbara bueno, she was left to run against christie when some of the better known democrats wouldn't dare take him on in new jersey. and you know, christie is
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one of those rare politicians who you can disagree with almost everything he stands for and still love the guy. >> stephen: voters in new jersey don't agree with his policies but voted for him overwhelmingly. they think that he doesn't mean what says. >> they think that he means what he says, and somebody said the most successful politicians in history are the ones that are best at feigning sincerity. >> stephen: hard to fake. (cheers and applause) thank you so much for joining me, from wnyc, brian lehrer, we'll be right back. thank you so much.
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>> welcome back, everybody. thanks so much. folks, before we say good night, i would like to wish a warm welcome to the newest member of the colbert nation, little harrison arthur fischel. son of my stellar talent coordinator amy schwartz fischel. if i know amy and i think i do, everything was perfectly set up for har ison's arrival. he was greeted with a cheese plate, room temperature sparkling water and a standard on-camera waiver. so best of luck, amy, and hopefully harrison will be less demanding and easier to accommodate than morrissey was. he may not have anything to promote yet but he already looks like a star. good night,