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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  November 20, 2013 1:00am-1:31am PST

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- wow, i can't believe we won that ass blasting competition, denzel. - i knew it was real! ♪ ba ba-da bum-bum - ♪ bum bum - here to cut our ceremonial ribbon-- so put those cigarettes out, people-- the one, the only, flamey the bear! [cheers and applause] - my name is flamey the bear. - you won't get away from us again, bear man! - uh-oh. and as some of you may have seen, i can be a huge asshole. but, i also gave hope to a kid who needed a hero, no matter how imperfect that hero turned out to be. and that's why, deep down, we all still love flamey the bear. - that was beautiful. let's kill him! - bobby, have you seen my bible? i can't find it anywhere, and i gotta teach sunday school. - i'd give it back to you, but i can't. i ate that son of a bitch. unh! hey, this dead guy tripped me!
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i'm gonna kick his ass. - whoo, phew-ee. this dead feller smells like alcohol, bobby. we really need to be careful not to--[screams] - all right. now, you die. aah! oh, my god! flamey! only you can save us! - what would flamey do? what would flamey do? i got it! ♪ i love crack! - aah! from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause]
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>> jon: welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart. we have an excellent excellent program tonight. tonight's guest: the ledgend himself dr. bills cosby joins us a little bit later. a good man. [cheers and applause] breaking news out of -- yeah that's right -- canada. >> just into the news desk, the crack-smoking mayor of toronto has just done it again. [ laughter ] >> jon: which brings us to our brand new segment "this just in the crack-smoking mayor of toronto has just done it again." [laughter] [laughter] so apparently -- the crack-smoking mayor of toronto has done it again. [ laughter ] here is the sentence i'm assuming does not follow that
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sentence: saves the day. >> the hours long city council meeting deteriorating into a spectacle. mayor rob ford at one point started mocking a council member suspect of driving drunk. >> mayor, stop disrupting. >> amid the chaos he nearly knocked a councilwoman to the ground as he ran across the room. [laughter] [cheers and applause] >> jon: poor woman. you know she got into politics thinking this may be a dirty unrewarding business but at least i'll never have to worry about going to work and being trampled by a crackhead. [ laughter ] and there's a reason rob ford may have been worked up by that
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particular city council meeting. >> the city council in toronto has just begun debating a measure that would strip a crack-smoking mayor of most of his powers. [ laughter ] >> jon: wait, smoking crack gives you powers? [ laughter ] are those powers an unquenchable thirst for crack? [ laughter ] with you oddly in mayor ford's case with great power comes very little responsibility. how did the council attempt to strip him of his powers turn out? >> ford went down 36 votes to five. >> jon: five votes. who voted to continue to give this man power? [laughter] i imagine he must have given an empassioned defense. >> his answer? >> this, folks, reminds me of when -- and i was watching with
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my brother-- when saddam attacked kuwait, you guys have just attacked kuwait and you will never -- [laughter] >> jon: the reference may be dated but in rob ford's defense it may be one of last things he remembers. [laughter] let me tell you something. there was an invasion of kuwait and the next thing i know and i woke up i was the mayor. i don't know how. [ laughter ] well the vote yesterday capped off a hell of a couple of days for rob ford including an interview with cnn where he surrounded himself with school children and said this. >> i've had enough. i'm sick and tired of all these
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(bleep) excuse my words. sorry, i shouldn't have sworn in front of the kids. >> jon: i shouldn't have done that i feel like (bleep) for do that. jeezous another (bleep) right there. that's bad. (bleep) shouldn't have said that. i'm such a (bleep). what am i doing in front of kids? [laughter] rob ford is not in denial, says rob ford. he knows he is not perfect. >> that's the thing. i don't look at myself as the mayor. i look at myself as just a normal regular person. >> jon: then go back to being one. [cheers and applause] amazingly after this he does have a few supporters in tronlt yes. >> toronto's mayor rob ford has provided the world with a series of political highlights. >> i want to (bleep).
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i never said that in my life to her. i would never have said. that i'm more than happy. i have more than enough to eat at home. >> have you purchased illegal drul drugs in the doctoring illegal drugs in the last two years? yes, i have. >> and in response to his behavior the city council of toronto voted 36-5 to ask rob ford to leave city hall. i went to toronto to see who the hell were these five people and why they didn't dump the mayor outright. he smoked crack right. >> that's what he told us. >> he talked about eating (bleep) in a press conference. >> i didn't hear it live but it had one of those words bleepped out. >> he definitely said (bleep). >> i think they bleeped it out again. >> were you on crack as well? >> if you look at the motion in its part it invites him to leave that's the good part.
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it invites him to come back. i couldn't tolerate that. >> so the motion wasn't harsh enough for parker. he did have another way to punish him. >> we would like to ask the integrity commissioner. >> do you have an obvious commissioner like the (bleep) council? >> we didn't think we needed that sort. >> in america we have a ton of experience with this type of thing but toronto is truly incapable of dealing with (bleep). >> we have an election next fall. >> in 2014? >> 2014. >> what is the wrong with the system here? >> people call it democracy. >> it's more like a pussocacracy. who in their right mind are the 20% of torontoans who support him? >> he's doing a great job. >> rob ford is the most fiscally
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responsible mayor we've had in the city. everything he said he's going to do he has gotten done. >> was it word to say responsible and record ford -- rob ford in the same sentence. >> absolutely not. >> how much is too much crack? >> where it effect his performance. >> is this too much crack? >> no. >> how about this is this too much crack? >> i think that would be enough. >> there's a line between a functioning mayor and a problem. we'll see if he can tell the difference between his mayor and oh, let's say charlie sheen. i am a sick (bleep), dude. >> charlie sheen. >> wrong it's rob ford. here is another one. yes, i have smoked crack cocaine but am i an addict, no, have i tried it probably in a drunken stupor.
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>> that was rob ford. >> i don't have time for these clowns. i don't have time for the judgment and stupidity. rob ford. >> charlie seen. >> seems like a rob ford. >> i know they are so similar. people would still vote for rob ford is it maybe because his behavior is not unusual in toronto workplaces. >> what can i get you? >> a soy latte, please. are you smoking crack? >> yes. >> this is the most annoyingly polite place on earth. he said i wanted to suck his (bleep). i would never do that i have more than enough (bleep) to suck at home. no one confronted me about my ford-like approach to work. maybe this city deserves the mayor. >> i think he has made mistakes in the past. >> reelect him the hood rat
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stuff is in the past. >> i believe it's in the past. >> reelect rob ford x4#1$jn ,.er95mp
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[cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back. as i'm sure many of you already know in 2022, the fifa world cup tournament will be held in qatar. go fighting monarch. in the three years since that election has been announced the selection has been hit with criticism after criticism. >> concerns about harsh working conditions surrounding preparations for the world cup in qatar. >> allegations of slavery and corruption. >> questions were asked about how a country where temperatures can exceed 40 grows celsius can handle a football turn nlt in the summer -- tournament in the summer. >> jon: oh, my god how could
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you have a football turnment in the -- tournament in the summer when it's 40 degrees celsius. that's nearly -- [laughter] 9,000 degrees. [ laughter ] this week the country of qatar tries to put that criticism behind them and unveil the planned world cup stadiums. let's take a look. [laughter] all right can we come back. i'm not -- i'm not usually one to shout out oh, my god that looks like a giant steel have begina but that looks like a
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giant still vagina or either that or something donald trump puts his hair on at night a sensuous peril where the finest restaurant presents a plate with a huckelberry gastrique and then it looks like what appears to be a vagina. there's more footage of stadium which sensuously glides up the stadium's opening and dives in from a view within. i always wondered what was inside of those things. if i may, well attended soccer match was low on the list. i didn't realize. to be fair the design is not shocking. it's a variation on things that have been around since the 70s. [ laughter ] of course that was -- [laughter] that was before that before
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building succumbed to the shame that is a -- nobody should be all that surprised by this stadium given it designed by a famed architect whose signature style appears to be making some of the world's most incredibly (bleep) buildings. it's like the georgia o'keefe of things you can walk inside. why do so many of the buildings look so feminine. it's not other buildings are reminiscent of -- okay all right. that. i guess it's time things evened out a little bit. for more we turn to al madrigal in "ar. you are a good man for being there. you were just inside this stadium. you went down to the press box. what did you find? how was it? >> actually jon, if i'm going
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honest i couldn't find the press box. >> jon: what do you mean you couldn't find the press box. >> jon, i've been in plenty of stadiums, all right. quite frankly i've never been able to find it. laugh i'm starting to think it doesn't even exist. >> jon: the press box is there. believe me. my guess is you didn't really try top find it. >> how dare you. i tried top find it. look at the map. they said that -- they -- [laughter] -- they said the press box was here, man. i was there, jon. i went back and forth and back and forth for an hour. after a while my neck started to hurt so i left. >> jon: how did you hurt your neck looking for press box? >> i was really looking for that thing. >> jon: so you are not going back in? >> i'm going try again.
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i mean, still a stadium, you know. maybe this time i'll look around the back, i guess. [laughter] >> jnkank
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[cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back. my guest legendary comedian. his first televised comedy central in 30 years airing this weekend. >> the game of chess, supposedly men made it up and it's about war and men and the savageness and the bravery and the genius of commanding and moving pieces and -- no, it's marriage. [ laughter ] the queen -- [laughter] moves anywhere she wants. [ laughter ] >> jon: please welcome bill cosby. [cheers and applause]
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this is the man! [cheers and applause] right here, my friend. right here. [cheers and applause] that is all you, my friend. that is all you. there you go. >> let me spin this bad boy around quickly. there we go, perfect, perfect. how are you? >> why are we yelling. >> jon: they were clapping and then they stopped. >> you can't welcome people. >> jon: you are right. >> how are you! can't do that. >> jon: how are you? how are you? >> no, we've gone into some sort of religion. [ laughter ] it's -- you and i had a ball. >> jon: we had a wonderful time. >> what did they call it? >> jon: stand up for heroes. >> yes. >> jon: perform yns at it was the old felt forum. i don't know what they call it now. >> the no felt forum.
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>> jon: wounded warriors we did a big show. it was marvelous. >> and you were out there and used some words -- [laughter] >> jon: yeah. >> and you said [speaking gibberish] and i said to myself oh, my. [ laughter ] and then the people were laughing so hard. >> jon: yeah. >> because were you swearing. >> jon: yes. >> and cursing. >> jon: yes. >> i'm 76 years old. >> jon: what? what? >> people applauding for a man on the way out. [ laughter ] but i'm 76 years old. what you have to understand, jonathan from whenst i cometh, when people cursed, the next thing is somebody was going to
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hit you. >> jon: what? >> now there's a whole new culture. people curse and they laugh. but for me when you were cursing i started crying. >> jon: no. >> yes because -- >> jon: i wasn't cursing it was yiddish. [ laughter ] >> yes! yes! [laughter] now i have some friends -- jewish friends. so i'm sitting with julius olnick and his wife in their home and she made something for us to eat. [ laughter ] and so, so she says something -- so she's so forth and so on and it's a [pretending to speak yiddish] so i said to her, "what is a [pretending to speak
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yiddish]? she said, "well it's like a beef stew with carrots and potatoes." >> jon: i know what you had. >> i said, why why didn't you sy that? she said it's not the same. you said well you said "[pretending to speak yiddish [i said suppose i brought you a hot dog with mustard and said this is say [pretending to speak yiddish] what would you say? she said, i don't eat pork. [ laughter ] >> jon: i love that. [cheers and applause] but you can't be shocked -- that language back in the day you ar working bleecker street with richard pryor. >> no, no.
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>> jon: even richard? >> lenny bruce came out, poor lenny bruce. he said i went to the hoo-hoo and next thing you know he was gone. then in san francisco. then in the village vanguard. gone, gone, begun. you could not use profanity because they would -- and stupid people would pay -- come down and knowing lenny was going to curse. "i've never heard so much bad -- and they would get up and leave. lenny would say all right, bring the next people in. [ laughter ] because the people they were so stupid. [laughter] but it was lovely and interesting to watch you because you were talking and then you were the words in there and the
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people would laugh. so i come out. you and i shook hands and i -- >> jon: we hugged. >> but i always loved -- >> jon: we didn't shake hands we hugged and i held it for a bit. i'm not going to lie to you. i'm not going to say like a bear hug but it was -- let me just say this -- it meant something to me. it meant something to me. >> it meant something. it was a jewish hug. >> jon: no pork. >> it was a -- [laughter] stick around. stay with me. >> where are we going? this thing has wheels on it. >> jon: get back on your chair. far from finished is on comedy central this saturday. available for
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