tv The Colbert Report Comedy Central November 20, 2013 11:30pm-12:01am PST
[cheers and applause] >> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow at 1:00. here it is your moment of zen. >> jon s >> stephen: tonight, a florida congressman is arrested. even more shocking, some florida congressmen weren't. then, controversy at the winter games. someone finally said it-- luge and bobsled are the same thing! ( laugh ) and my guest tonight is m.i.a. will somebody find her? the show a about to start. amsterdam is paying alcoholics beer to clean the street. but you know they're just going to spend that beer on weed. this is the "colbert report. captioning sponsored by comedy central
( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the report. ( cheers and applause ) good to have you with us in here, out there, all around the would. nations the holidays are upon us and she i don't know about you, but i'm ready for some trink ling lights and frosty the snowman, and walking in a winter wonderland. speaking of snow, cocaine. sad, drug-related news this week, and like most sad news, it comes from washington. jim? >> republican trey radel of florida today pleaded guilty to cocaine possession.
>> he purchased three and a half grams of cocaine from an undercover officer. >> the tea party favorite represents florida's 19th district. >> stephen: yes, this rising tea party star was caught in a coke bust. apparently he forgot the part of the tea party story where you dump the product in the harbor before the cops show up. folks, personally, i hate to lose a congressman so fiscally conservative that i'm sure he snorted his blow through a $1 bill. and so committed to family values, folks, that he actually voted to drug test people who receive food stamps ( booing ) no, no, no. he's not a hypocrite. because he doesn't get food stamps from the government. just his paycheck. but you know what i can't say i'm surprised. i'm been on the cocaine congress beat since robert wexler told me this. >> i enjoy cocaine because it's the fun thing to do. ( applause ) ( laughter ). >> stephen: what is it with
florida congressmen? i mean, there must be something in the water down there. and i'm guessing it's cocaine. ( laughter ) but you know, folks, we should all have seen radel's trip down 8-ball mountain coming. when radel recorded this spanish language message to the people of colombia. >> a message from florida congressman trey radel to the colombian community. last week i was in the beautiful, spectacular, and growing country of colombia. in part, strengthening our relationship with our ally and friend country. but mostly, to score coke. ( laughter ) specifically, i want a reliable source of the purest colombian coke. frankly, i'm tired of middle men diluting my ( bleep ) with baby laxatives. so i need to connect to beam me up on some of that straight, colombian gutter glitter. we consider share it and then we will dance and dance and dance. ( laughter )
>> stephen: so best of luck, congressman. we will miss you, and of course-- what's that? he's not resigning? what is he, high! folks,ub i'm not one to sit in judgment. i prefer to jump up and down in judgment. this is tip of the hat, wag of the finger. ( cheers and applause ). first up, folks, just seconds ago i think i made it clear, i'm no fan of drug addicts. just thinking about them makes me so angry i need another xanax. that's why i was high on life when i learned with a new study from the university of pennsylvania that found a father's cocaine use makes his sons lessensitive to the drug, and thereby more likely to resist addictive behaviors. which means if you do not have a crippling cocaine addiction, be sure to thank your dad. see if you can find him. he's probably giving out handies at the bus station. ( laughter ) that's why i'm giving a tip of my hat to hopped-up pops.
congratulations. ( applause ) you have finally-- ( cheers ) you have finally-- you have finally earned that father of the year mug you stole from the hallmark store after biting the cashier. researchers found that cocaine causes d.n.a. alterations in sperm in which the changes are transmitted to males in the next generation, meaning cocaine addiction skips a generation, like baldness. but if you're lucky enough to avoid baldness, remember, you can sell your hair for coke. so the next time you see a dude do a bump off a toilet seat at a strip club, just say to yourself, "that guy's going to make a great dad." next up, folks, i am no fan of america's global archnemesis and primary investor china. they are so smug with their surging economy, their wall visible from space, and their seeminglyless ends supply of lucky numbers. ( laughter ) but finally, finally, american
culture is striking back. >> starbucks is facing scrutiny in china this week because state media is accusing it of overpricing. $4.50 for a medium-sized latte, roughly a third more than in the united states. >> stephen: that's right. our cold war has escalated into a crise so hot, you need one of those card board things to hold it. so i'm giving a tip of the hat to starbucks for finding a way to stick it to the chinese. ( cheers and applause ). we've called out the chinese on one human rights violation after another with no response. but to crank up the privacy a no-foam matchiato, and the government releases a 20-minute broadcast called-- and this is true-- "starbucks, expensive in china." i can't wait for the follow-up film-- ""dunkin' donuts: when the hell are they selling tuna sandwiches. what's behind the bull market in the china coffee shop?
according to stooshz its higher cost comes from such factors as labor and ingredients. of course ingredients will be more expensive because in china frappachinos contain fresh lump crab meat and cadmium. speaking of china-- i just was-- and this week, there was more bad news. >> chinese shoppers set online sales records monday. shoppers clicked their way to more than $5 billion in products on china's largest e-commerce site. that dwarfs sales on cyber monday in the united states. >> $5 billion worth of sales. >> that is 2. the 5 times more than cyber monday in the united states. >> stephen: folks, if china has the cash to do this, we're clearly not borrowing enough upon it ( laughter ) i'm giving the next wag of my fing tore american consumers. how you can not outspend these guys? online shopping is much harder for the chinese. after they buy an ipad, they have to run back to the factory to make it. ( laughter )
( applause ) the occasion for all this peking ka-ching was november 11, china's singles' day, symbolize bide the four lonely ones of 11-11. of course the idea of one as the loamest number was first found in the writings of chinese philosopher, ha-ri nil-sun. ( laughter ) ( applause ) now, the chinese, the chinese originally started singles day as a time for unmarried mep to lament their solo status with a drink. we have a similar practice of men drinking alone in america. it's called ladies' night. ( laughter ) folks, i believe we need to take a lesson from china and harness the economic power of lonely, single men. you guys need to step up and start buying more stuff. i mean, look what you're doing right now. you're watching my show. on the couch, probably alone. me, i go home every night and spend time with my loved ones.
comes as no surprise to you i love the olympics. it's one of the few times you can throw a spear in a stadium and not get arrest forward it. this is the sport report. ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers ) folks-- thank you, that one's free. that's free. ( laughter ) folks, i'm really looking forward to the upcoming wirptd qaims in sochi, russia. i even learned some russian like "dosvedanya." which means "two vedanyas." and "vohta-ka," which i believe means i'd like to wang need in the nearest fountain, please. beautiful language. and for all these olympics, russia is promising unprecedented security measures. nossurprising, of course, given all the threats the country
faces-- chechen rebels, kazakh fundamentalists, riding pussy. but there's one group that's more dangerous than all of those combined-- the gays. yeah. yeah, yeah, yeah. no, no, we're all scared. ( laughter ) russia's olympic olympics are ed by homosexuals who insist on existing during them. ( laughter ) that's why last june, vladimir putin signed a law banning all homosexual propaganda, including public displays of affection, or displaying symbols like a rainbow flack. good thinking. because the visible spectrum has always had a gay agenda. ( laughter ) ( applause ) i mean, it explains why we're always hearing about roy g. biv, but never mrs. g. biv. where is she, roy? some in the l.g.b.t l.g.b.t. co, which consider stands for something-something-something- te something-something-something-te
rrorist, are threatening to stage a gay-in. >> there's all sorts of abutting protest movements against the winter olympics because of the homophobic stance of putins and the russian laws. >> there should be wearing of rainbow colors. there should be protests. there should be more speech. >> an openly gay spade skater wants to go there, wear a rainbow pin and say, "i'm here, i'm gay, and i'm okay." >> hey, blake, do you really think you need to wear a rainbow pin when you're wearing the man spanx. we get the message. fortunately, russian olympic officials have come up with a fool-proof way to make the olympic torch a little less flaming. >> pictures showing the official uniform for volunteers and staff, brightly colored ski jabts and hats featuring the olympic ring. some people say colors very similar to the rainbow flag that
symbolizes the l.g.b.t. movement. >> stephen: yes, by wearing these rainbow uniforms, the russians are leaving the gays with no protest symbol. as president of the olympic organizes committee chernyshenko, told "usa today," i am very brave, i will put my rainbow pin on and let me go to jail in russia because i will be promoting gay right in the olympic game. has anybody noticed what kind of uniform game organizers will be wearing? yes, we took your rainbow. suck it, gays. just-- just don't do it in russia. ( laughter ) ( applause ) now, when someone watching the olympics sees rainbow cloacting, they won't think they're a gay protester. they're just think they have terrible taste. bravo, russia no country has neutralized then hitler one-ups jesse owens by wearing black
either that, or my teleprompter is on the fritz again. please welcome m.i.a.! ( cheers and applause ) nice to meet you. thanks so much for coming on. all right, let me-- am i pronouncing that correctly, m.i.a.? >> yes. >> stephen: i didn't know, it could have been mia. you have another name, right? >> >> uh-huh. >> stephen: help me out. >> metangy. >> stephen: metangy. >> yes. >> stephen: and your last name. >> aropragasm? >> stephen: is that your real name? a lot of women fake the aropragasm. you have a new album. you're a big musician.
and you are a visual artist, too, aren't you? >> yes. >> stephen: did you design all the stuff? >> yes. >> stephen: you did? >> yes. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: i'm impressed. why not stick to one thing? why do more than one thing at a time? >> because that's what refugees do, isn't it. >> stephen: are you a refugee? >> yes. >> stephen: from. >> sri lanka. >> stephen: you were born in england? >> yes, but i lived in sri lanka for teb yiers. >> stephen: so at some point you were a refugee from england. >> i came back when it got crazy in sri lanka. >> stephen: i have a problem with you. >> i know. >> stephen: are you ready for this? are you ready? all right? how come you have politics in your music? okay? it's dance music. ( laughter ) just let me get up there and shake it. do i have to-- like do you have to dance and think about, like,
the boat massacre of 1985? ( laughter ). >> yes! >> stephen: why can't you just sing about lovely lady lumps or, like, or like bubble yum bum. >> somebody had already written that song. >> stephen: why do politics? >> i don't know. i was inspired by a lot of american artists. >> stephen: who? >> bob dylan. ( cheers and applause ). you know, public enemy. ( cheers and applause ). you know, i put out my first song and came to america, i thought you guys were used to it alalready. i didn't realize it was so shocking. >> stephen: as an artist born in england, grew up in sri lanka, what do you think of america? you've been here a long time. >> yes. >> stephen: what do you, of us? watch your answer. >> whoa! this is-- i think. >> -- >> stephen: i'll start, greatest country on earth.
( cheers and applause ). >> i think america-- i'm going to be really controversial because that's a controversial question. >> stephen: "what do i think of america?" >> yes. >> stephen: stand up and salute, baby, and you're done. >> well, you know -- >> stephen: i can take it. >> in my mind there are no countries. like we're all one. we all live on this planet. >> stephen: what do you think of me? >> i don't know. this is-- i've never watched the show. >> oh! >> sorry, but that's because i don't watch television. i don't watch television as a whole. it's not that i was singling you out. >> stephen: that's okay. it doesn't matter. ( laughter ) >> it's nice, now nai've met you, and you can sing. i think you're one of us. >> stephen: what? >> that you can sing. >> stephen: i can sing? >> yeah, you can sing. you have a nice singing voice. >> stephen: would you please do a song for us? >> yes, i will.
♪ yea yea, y.a.l.a yea yea, y.a.l.a ♪ alarms go off when i enter the building ♪ y.a.l.a y.a.l.a ♪ y.a.l.a y.a.l.a ♪ i drink some cointreau keep it in my poncho ♪ light up like castro blow it up and get go ♪ pro when i set, go grow like an afro ♪ play like ronaldo hard like i'm death row ♪ weight in kilo light as a pillow ♪ dance on my tiptoe like a thai box girl ♪ yeah we come come come yeah we come with some some ♪ get a glass of rum with a gun and some pun pun oh fun fun fun
♪ let's get 'em undone take a hit on the bong ♪ it's been so long since we hung ♪ go low, go slow run like a polo ♪ up and down that pole like you're glowin' up a yoyo ♪ go low, go slow run like a polo ♪ up and down that pole like you're glowin' up a yoyo ♪ ♪ anti war war m.i.a. underscore ♪ i got the law law searching for me on tour ♪ bankin offshore, take a trip to singapore ♪ i need to earn like i'm julianne moore ♪ for the hour poor don't wanna ignore ♪ that's why i say ( no audio ) so they can explore ♪ my baby, i am more my mommy i adore
♪ i tried to stay pure can't take it anymore ♪ yeah we come come come yeah we come with some some ♪ yea a glass of rum with a gun and some pun pun ♪ oh fun fun fun let's get 'em undone ♪ take a hit on the bong it's been so long since we hung ♪ go low, go slow run like a polo ♪ up and down that pole like you're glowin' up a yo yo ♪ go low, go slow run like a polo ♪ up and down that pole like you're glowin' up a yo yo ♪ yea yea, y.a.l.a. yea yea, y.a.l.a. ♪ alarms go off when i enter the building ( cheers and applause )