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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  December 12, 2013 1:00am-1:31am PST

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so i'm tired. daddy's tired. can you-- let's go to sleep, okay? - but i'm not going to live forever, right? because i'm only half alien. [sobbing] so i'm gonna die. - mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. you? you--you right about yourself, ex-- but-- ha ha ha! here it is. this one slipped my mind. you can build with me an immortality machine to give you what i got from the remnants of my spacecraft. so, yeah. - wow. - you gonna be immortal. you gonna be immortal. - daddy, when are we gonna get the remnants? - tomorrow. - tomorrow? [gasps] - gonna get them tomorrow during work. hey, you got anything that looks like parts of a crashed spaceship?
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- dead mom? - mm-hmm. - mm-hmm. right this way. [applause] - jordan-- so, jordan, hey, you think we should say good-bye? - what'd your mom say? - oh, jeez. [laughter] good night, everybody. - good night. - whoo! - ♪ i'm gonna do my one line here ♪ - oh, yeah. central's world news headquarters in new york, this is dial "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> jon: boom! welcome to "the daily show." miss to see you -- nice to see you. my name is jon stewart.
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one of our guests tonight author reza aslan is on the program this evening. we'll pick off where we left off last night with the united states congress. if you tuned in you might have seen this how this, the 113th congress is perhaps the worst congress -- [ laughter ] -- in the history of not just this nation -- [laughter] -- so we thought we would check in on what today's congressional (bleep)ry was what do they do today? pass a resolution demanding preapproval of all presidential handshakes? [laughter] refuse to vote on anything except whether to add cronuts to the congressional brunch. [laughter] sitting around saying that sax by chambliss is an acceptable name. it's not. it's not okay. it's just not okay. [laughter] my apologies to apologies to ths
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family. what is congress up to? congress may be ready to call a truce in the budget wars. >> a bipartisan budget deal has been reached to avoid another government shutdown. [ laughter ] [laughter] >> jon: deal? deal? what type of witchcraft is this? deal? the elders have spoken of such wonders but i thought like the yelty it belonged to -- like the yeti it belonged to legend. if this be true, it be incredible. may it be? could it is? >> we have a deal. ♪ hallelujah >> jon: that's it just two? do we have any -- >> almost a hallelujah moment here. it's not the grand bargain many were hoping for. >> jon: i knew it. so the hallelujah for this moment is not of the handle
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variety or of the -- handel variety or the leonard cohen variety. the melan collie one -- mel -- then the donkey was beside himself. [ laughter ] anyway, my point is this: the budget compromise is that kind of melancholy hal -- hallelujah is good. >> it's a breath of fresh air. not used to using that c word compromise. >> jon: i country believe those (bleep) c-worded. [ laughter ] -- yes, i can't believe those (bleep) c-worded. i hope my mother isn't watching.
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how did this deal go down. >> republican paul ryan and patty murray announce they had reached a deal tuesday after two months of negotiations. >> jon: oh, my god. these two members of congress are visual analogs for how the two sides cannot see eye to eye. they are a life-size bar graph of the fiscal distance between the parties. that's -- [laughter] and -- and quite frankly -- [ applause ] -- if i may be so bold, the two of them look like all my prom pictures in reverse. [laughter] so the important thing is -- oh. [ laughter ] aw, the jew fro. those were the days. let's hear it. what does this deal they did do? >> this bill reduces the deficit by $23 billion. it does not raise taxes. it cuts spending in a smarter way. >> the deal sets government funding levels athe just over
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$1 -- at just over $1 trillion for 2014 and 2015 right between what democrats and republicans wanted. >> jon: it took you guys three years and a government shutdown to come up with i don't know why don't we split the difference. even the basic compromises is too much for some. >> i'll reserve judgment until we read it. i can tell you my ball based on press reporting. my budget feels it will make it harder for -- my feeling is it will make it harder for americans to achieve the american dream. >> jon: it is destroying america. i'm going reserve my judgment but it (bleep) sucks. when was the last time we even had a budget? >> the last time congress passed an actual budget was april 29, 2009. that was 1687 days ago. back then a gallon of gas cost a
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little more than $2. president obama has been in office just 100 days. it's been a while but easy on the nostalgia friend. it was four years ago. jump in the way back machine with me as we head for 2009. taylor swift topped the charts as she still does but with a different album and americans flocked by the millions to see as hugh jackman as wolverine. unlike this year when millions flocked to see him in "the wolverine." [laughter] some people are not happy but it's been so long since we knew what compromise was to feel like. >> the democrats weighing in saying it's not perfect but they can live with it. >> jon: exactly. there's knoll victory. there's no sense of glory.
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it's like being in a bar at last call. the lights come on and you look at each other and say, well, if we could do any better, we wouldn't be here so let's go (bleep) behind a sonic. [ laughter ] i thought in that laugh there was a bit of a rueful note. we go to senior political correspondent john oliver. john -- >> jon, what a day. [cheers and applause] joy to the world, jon. what an amazing wonderful, glorious day this is here in washington, d.c. >> jon: it's a good day. it's nice. >> it's what? it's nice, jon? gelato is nice. tom hanks is nice. tom hanks gelato is disgusting but that's not the point. this is everybody we've been waiting for. >> jon: not everything. >> it's the whale jumping over
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the kid at the end of free willie and not getting a drop of water on him, jon, not a drop. >> jon: john, the kid is getting soaks. >> not a drop of water, jon. it's the deal -- it's charlie bucket inheriting an entire factory full of chocolate and slaves. [laughter] were either of those moments just nice to you, jon? >> jon: is it like et going home? >> it's not like that, jon? how is letting an alien escape with all the secrets to the universe held within his one easily severed finger a triumph. that was a disaster. think of scientific research we let fly away. >> jon: it was a movie about friendship overcoming obstacles. >> your wrong! you're wrong. look, jon, my argument here -- [laughter] >> jon: he -- >> we let a child let him
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escape. you are wrong. the point is, jon. i'm saying on the scale of miraculous congressional achievements this budget bill ranks up there with the civil rights act and a 90% incouple againstcy rate. >> jon: it's a modest, a modest, let's just not shut the government down for a couple years and try to figure this out. >> jon, you are not recognizing the distance the two sides had to travel to that. you don't understand where they started just two months ago. let me read to you, jon, from the congressional record of their first meeting. >> jon: please. please do this. >> day one of negotiations. hey (bleep). we start things on time around here. [ laughter ] oh, i'm sorry i'm late, perhaps the gentleman from the great state of wisconsin didn't realize that i was at home (bleep) his mom. >> jon: whoa. >> i know.
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>> jon: whoa whoa. >> i know. patty murray has a mouth on her, jon. a filthy mouth. >> jon: that's not a promising start. >> it got worse. here is the audio from day four. listen [screaming] >> jon: pretty sure that's from texas chain saw massacre. >> pretty sure you're wrong. >> jon: how did they arrive to a deal? >> let's skip to the end. on the last day ryan said hey (bleep) how does a budget of a trillion sound and said make it $1.1 trillion and you have a deal (bleep) and suddeny. ♪ come with me and you'll see a world of passing legislation ♪ [cheers and applause] >> jon: don't throw your things. someone has to clean that up. will there even be enough votes for this? >> oh, oh, yes, jon. congress will vote for this if they know what is good for them.
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>> several lawmakers told us that their wifes wifes have thrd to leave leave them if they alld yet another cries dwrois ruin another family crisis. >> now there's a deal, jon, all the representatives head ohm for a merry triple x-mass. there's a lot of stockings being stuffed, jon. i'm talking about a (bleep) fest, jon. >> jon: we understand that.
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[cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back. so. [cheers and applause] -- a bipartisan deal has been reached. a crease fire declared -- cease fire declared in the partisan battles that have ravaged washington. are we really ready to give up this fight. before you scream yes, for the love of god, yes you might want to watch this from jason jones. >> you've seen the smash hits budget battle one, two, three and four. they had it all, countdown clocks, count-up clocks. counting down and up clocks but now it looks like the congressional shutdown gravy train is pulling into station. >> congress may be ready to call a truce in the ongoing budget wars. >> a christmas miracle, a budget
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deal. >> but a budget deal doesn't mean it's time to throw in the towel. >> thank god it's over. >> i was so sick of covering that. >> i never want to do another -- >> i'll do your budget story for you. >> why? there's no story. >> i'll bring you the antagonistic sound bites, silly graphics and a real sense of imminent fiscal doom. >> john, it's over. >> it's over when i say it's over. >> budget battle 5. the sequel that the 24 hour news networks demand. it's a fight for ratings against impossible odds. this just got real. >> actually not really they've been at a stalemate for some time and they are hoping not to shutdown the government this time. >> well, it's not hard to believe. democrats won't deal with entitlements, republicans not putting tax increases on the table. >> killing the momentum here todd, sorry. >> searching for an ancient
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enemy. >> coming from within the house of representatives. >> enough is enough! i've had it with these debates on the monday-friday congress. we all know that one-half of one-third of our government could still (bleep) this up. >> some conserve active republicans opposed to the deal. >> marco rubio saying he opposes this. >> yeah, that's the stuff the budget saga continues with a special appearance with reginald johnson as the guy he always plays in things like this. >> what contact exactly are we dealing with here, pal. >> getting a deal down. >> give me something i can use. >> didn't touch entitlements and ignored tax revenues. >> them it to me straight. >> they are kicking the can down the road. >> one question: do we get to win this time? >>, i think that's for rambo. >> don't call me on the action movie references. budget battle five it's over
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when i say it's over. >> yippee-kiaye mother (bleep). >> comshis (!-x®,xi&l.t@
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welcome back my guest tonight a scholar of religion and author his latest book is zealot: the life and times of jesus of nazareth. please welcome back to the
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program reza aslan. [cheers and applause] >> all right. all right. >> jon: reza i just want to be clear you are a muslim. >> shhh. >> jon: why would you write a book on the sphownder of christianity. >> this is my secret muslim plan to destroy christianity. >> jon: i don't know if you remember this you went on fox and the lady was asking the questions and i was looking at it like oh, my god reza is going to strange this will person. >> i did okay. >> jon: you did wonderful. it was incredible. the book is so good. >> thank you. the perfect christmas gift for your jewish friends. [laughter] >> jon: yes. there's nothing we like better around this time of year. [ laughter ] nice picture of him looking judgmentally at us. nice menorah. yeah, hey, enjoy your potato latkes.
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[laughter] how are you doing otherwise? these are very exciting times for iran. >> absolutely. this nuclear deal has really changed the atmosphere in iran. so much excitement over it. frankly, a little too much excitement over it because it's not really that big of a dmeel so far as -- deal in so far as sanctions and relief and helping the economy. whereas in the united states nobody talks about this deal as possibly laying the groundwork for future normalization, that's all they talk about in iraq. it's created two camps. a reconciliation camp and isolationist camp. the reconciliation camp has all the momentum. the isolationists are still there, muted, waiting for this thing to collapse so they can attack the current administration. frankly shall the congress might give them that opportunity. >> jon: how many power does rohani. we saw the eight years of
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ahmedinejad and the win of am -- ahmedinejad electorally. there was tremendous protest in the streets, tremendous violence. this movement is sort of driven underground. rohani is considered in that camp, yes? more of a reformist? >> he is a moderate. >> jon: does he have any power or does it rest with the supreme leader and if he says he is in the isolationist camp are they in the isolationist camp? >> yes. the only power that really matters is the supreme leaders voice but it's more complex than that. there's a robust civic infrastructure in iraq and the president has the opportunity to make fundamentally changes. what he has going for him is so far the supreme leader is supporting this. that's why the reconciliation
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camp as this great momentum on its side and why the isolationists are keeping for the most part quiet because if you disagree with the deal you are disagreeing with the supreme leader. the issue again and i hate to bring this up rests with the u.s. congress. >> jon: i thought you were going to jews again. [ laughter ] i thought that's where we were going here and i was going to once again say we're quite pleasant when you get to know us. [laughter] >> this is the problem, you know shall everybody in the u.s. keeps talking about how can we trust iran to hold up its end of the bargain. that's not the problem. >> jon: because in this country we have an isolationist camp. it's similar. you are playing to a very particular much more rigid base here that won't allow -- you saw the kerfuffle that occurred when obama just shook raul castro's hand. let alone trying to forge some
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kind of way forward with iran. >> far be it for me toll suggest that congress is full of petty children presiding over a cesspool of wasted space. >> jon: so you do watch our show. you do watch! >> yes. you can't help but feel that they are actually trying to scuttle this deal. the negotiation is pretty clear in exchange for iran freezing and rolling back the nuclear program, which they've done, we'll release a little bit of their frozen assets and promise not to engage in any new sanctions. this bill that congress is trying to pass to create new sanctions is a violation of the agreement. the foreign minister of iran, a pretty western friendly moderate guy has said if this thing pass it's the end of the deal. it's a deal breaker. you can't help but feel this congress is full of people who are less interested in the good of the country than in their own political good. they want to go back to miss
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missoula, montana and tell the 3,000 people that voted them into office that they were tough on iran and a friend to israel. it will get them reelected to two more years for a fairly curby job to get paid to do nothing. but it's a danger to the country. >> jon: when you look at it there are certain absolute boogiemen that are out there, the united nations, iran. and not for no reason there are certain things iran is doing. they are bad actors in certain fields of play and all that. >> absolutely. >> jon: if we don't engage these country and build more productive relationships i think we're beginning to learn that pure sanctions driven consequences or invading them and trying to hold the territory until a government arises that likes us is not maybe the answer. >> what cracks me up was if get iran to the negotiating table.
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sanctioning them is a punishment for coming to the negotiating table? the sanctions worked because they were international sanctions. they worked because we got the europeans and russia and even china to go along with them. if this sanctions law passes in congress it's as clear a message to all allies that this is all a joke for us and we're not serious about this. the entire sanctions regime will fall apart and iran will continue to enrich uranium to its heart content. >> jon: and they'll erode it anyway. stick around? >> sure. >> jon: zealot ton t
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