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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  March 14, 2014 1:30am-2:01am PDT

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wn with a serious case of healthy. emergen-c. making healthy contagious. on this bluetooth the heist modes case of healthy. oh, we scored. heist mode back. don't. don't. or you can just turn if off... d.i.y. has evolved. welcome to d.i.t. [cheers and applause] >> jon: that's our show. here it is your moment of zen. ♪ thank you for
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captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: oh, hey! welcome to the report, everybody! >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: thank you so much. welcome to the report. thank you for joining us, ladies and gentlemen, in here, out there, all around the world. mr. and mrs. america, and all the ships at sea. folks, you can feel the electricity in the room right now. necessarnow. this is our last show before we take a week off for spring break. i am going to miss you but i
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have no choice because my doctor says i need to load up on vitamin bacardi. that's good old alcohol-- safe and effective when administered orally. but first, tonight, i want to talk to you about marijuana. or as the kids-- ( cheers ) yeah, yeah, yeah. it frightens me, too. ( laughter ) marijuana, or as the kids call it, jazz cigarettes. just because it comes from nature, people think it's harmless, but if pot were so safe, then why is everyone from the movie "refer madness" now dead? ( laughter ) but recent news from colorado, a.k.a. "pot"sylvania, has caught my attention. >> green makes green. new numbers show colorado raking in about $2 million in its first month of recreational marijuana sales. that's from taxes. >> that figure is based on total sales of $14 million during the first month it became legal. >> that state's governor thinks marijuana sales will bring in
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more than $600 million a year. >> stephen: $600 million! folks, the market has spoken, and the market is tokin' ( cheers and applause ) as a staunch capitalist, i must now honor my long-standing pledge to instantly ditch my morals for anything profitable. first up, i'm going to need a little business experience, okay, so i swiped an apple from the office fridge, and i also swiped some weed, also from the office fridge. i don't care if your name was on it, jerry, all right? now from what i read on reddit, it's easy to turn this bad boy into a pipe. i just hollow out-- i just hollow out one little thing here, and i take some of that dp sprinkle that in there. and then... mmmm. mmmm.
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man. that is some tart stash. now, folks, clearly-- ( laughter ) clearly, there's some cash to be made here. and if you want a piece of the pie, and if you're high, you do-- i'm going to help you make some money right now with the help-- oh" of a big red button. >> are you a cop? you have to tell me if you're a cop. this is the "colbert report's." bears and balls. ( cheers and applause ) bears and bowls edition. hi, nation. we're on the precipiceave new gold rush. isn't that right, old timer? weeeeed! there's weeeeed in them there hills. weeeeed! ( coughing ) ( laughter ) ( applause )
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( cheers ) and for some businessmen, the cash is already pouring in. >> we want to introduce you to one family who is among the first americans to become million naertz legal pot business, colorado's first family of pot. >> i am coo, coordinator of operations. i do the least out of all three of us. ( laughs ) i bring lunch. here we go into the warehouse, a site very few people get to see. >> it's crazy. i never would have thought. my dad divorced my mom and started growing in our basement, and that's where it all started. >> stephen: wow. sounds like after the divorce, someone went a little overboard to make sure the kids wanted to come to their house on the weekend. ( laughter ) ( applause ) most dads just get an x-box. folks, there's a name for pot pioneers like this. >> they're being called ganjapreneurs. >> ganjapreneurs. >> ganjapreneurs.
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>> so-called ganjapreneurs. >> stephen: yes, ganjapreneurs, or a toak-coon, or a come of indo-weed. a warren puff-ett. a willie nelson rockefeller. ( applause ) information, besides selling smokeables there is also big money in other things full of pot like-- matthew mcconaughey. no. woody harrelson. no, good show, though. the munchies. yes. specifically, munchies made out of marijuana. because these days, getting baked involves actual bakeries. >> the production of infused edibles and other nonsmokable products has taken off. making up nearly 40% of all recreational pot sales. at denver's incredibles edibles, they're cranking out 40,000 marijuana-infused candy bars a month, in a kitchen unlike any we'd seen before. bob ashino runs the company. today, his team is cooking up
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strawberry cough crunch bars. strawberries, white chocolate, and 100 milligrams of pure hash oil in each and every bar. >> stephen: thank you stoarn icon, harry smith. get a haircut, you hippie! now, with pot candy, you don't just taste rainbow. you are the rainbow. ( laughter ) ( applause ) folks, if gummy beers and lollipops aren't adult enough for you, other shops offer t.h.c.-laden soda, beef jerky and gangapeneur pit gangapeneur. if your conscious does not allow to you sell pot, there is indirect ways to cash in on colorado's new marijuana craze like clean urine sales man. no. scalping fish tickets. getting closer. road trip. >> stephen: join the growing
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field of marijuana tourism. denver is becoming the nigh amsterdam, only with fewer americans. jim. >> searches for online travel deals to denver are outpacing all other searches for all u.s. destinations. >> a company called my 420 tours, they will pick you up at the airport, connect with you a pot-friendly hotel. >> addison morse owns this tour company, colorado rocky mountain high, and can barely keep up with the demand, even at about it will 300 per person. >> take a look at this-- a marijuana ski bus, this company offering to pick up pot tourists d.i.a., and take them straight to the slopes, while they smoke on the ride there. >> stephen: okay, here's how you spot people who have been on the marijuana ski bus-- they're the ones snowboarding. ( laughter ) ( applause ) the point is-- the point is-- ( cheers ) denver, colorado, is quickly becoming america's biggest
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tourist destination, though your vacation photos may need significantly more red eye reduction. but, folks there's one problem every sudden of successful ganjapreneur must now deal with. take your kid to work day. no. mexican drug lords. >> stephen: they are thinskinned, but no. >> mo money, mo problem. >> stephen: yes, because once you've made your stash from your stash, where do you stash it? >> from coast to coast, bank and credit union trade groups vase vaezing their member banks to steer clear of the marijuana business. under federal law, marijuana's no different than hard-core illegal drugs like heroin and ecstasy. >> stephen: yes, if bankers accept drug money, they might go to jail. ( laughter ) ( applause ) what am i saying! what am i saying! that's got to be a typo. whoever wrote that line was high.
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( laughter ) well, thankfully information, some budness owners have found a workaround. >> we deal with companies with a don't ask, don't tell relationship. i think thraif a strong suspicion. >> stephen: i have a strong suspicion, too, since i can't even see you through all that dope smoke. but, folks-- ( cheers and applause ) he is careful not to make the bank too suspicious. >> we take great pains to help them ignore it by, you know, paying our vendors with cash. we also febreze the money so it doesn't smell like marijuana. ( laughter ) ( applause ). >> stephen: yes, they febreze the money. they might be able to get the smell off a $100 bill, but everyone can see ben is baked out of his ghord. well, that's it for tonight's bears and balls. join us next time when we
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profile other people who have gotten filthy rich pushing drugs like. >> pfizer. >> stephen: no, no, i mean, when i highlight another place besieged by rampant drug abuse. >> major league baseball. >> stephen: no, no, i mean places outside of colorado where pot use it booming. >> everywhere! >> stephen: close enough. >> we'll be right back. we'll be right back. we'll be right back. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) great. this is the last thing i need.)
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seriously? the last thing you need is some guy giving you a new catalytic converter when all you got is a loose gas cap. what? it is that simple sometimes. thanks. now let's take this puppy over to midas and get you some of the good 'ol midas touch. hey you know what? i'll drive! and i have no feet... i really didn't think this through. trust the midas touch. for brakes, tires, oil, everything. (whistling)
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( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thanks so much. nation, i'm so glad you're here. i've got to get something off my chest. you know, it's not the first time i've said this, but i am as mad as a wet hen. and not just because i'm not sure what that means. does a hen have a burst pipe in its coop. did it spill its drink? i'm just saying one would think an animal living in a dusty pen would enjoy a splash of water. but these no pleasing some chickens. the point is, i'm angry because our marxist-in-chief has launched another attack on american business. >> if you're making over $455 a week you do not qualify for overtime. the president is going to change the level with his executive order. so a lot more people will qualify for overtime. >> president obama flexing more executive authority. is set to bypass congress and order the labor department to institute change nonetheless rules governing overtime pay
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today. >> stephen: emperor obama is issuing an executive order bypassing conclude because they wouldn't pass new overtime rules. why should they? they never work overtime. or-- or time for that matter. ( laughter ) ( applause ) and i don't know why he's doing it. there is no reason on god's green earth to do it because the system works. currently, you can sphend 95% of the time sweeping floors and stock shelves, but if you're responsible for supervising people 5% of the time, you can then be considered an executive and be exempt from overtime pay. folks, that makes sense to me. even when you're stock shelves you're managing a lot of people-- little debbie, chef boyardee, the little doughboy. this is nothing but forced income redistribution. for that matter, income is forced income redistribution. ( laughter ) and fox business news' neil cavuto has a warning about the hidden danger of paying people for their work. >> businesses and republicans
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say it's overkill. does he risk rewarding those who don't even deserve those bucks? >> stephen: yes, you start paying people who don't deserve it, and before you know it, you've hired neil cavuto. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) speaking of fox news, folks, i want to take a moment priet now to give a shout out to the winner of the auction for bill o'reilly's microwave. all the money from the auction benefits the yellow ribbon fund, which helps injured service members and their families. the winning bid of $5,400 came from patriot kev. now, kev-- kevin mcnamara. this is the actual microwave i stole from bill o'reilly almost eight years ago. so, congratulations. you are not onlyab auction winner. you are also an accessory to a crime. ( cheers and applause ). and don't you think i will rat
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you out? a heartbeat to avoid the slammer. i cannot go back. ( cheers and applause ). cifn, your new microwave is signed by me and retired four-star general stanley mcchrystal, an american hero who i chose specifically because he happened to be in my studio that kay. but it's also been autographed by someone with the initials g.e. not sure who that is. let's say gloria estefan. oh, that microwave burrito is gonna get ya. while i'm at it, i'd also like to thank the good people at pilot pens who gave to the yellow ribbon fund a $5,000 check in exchange for the pilot pen i happened to be holding the night i auctioned off the microwave. and here is, in fact, that exact pilot pen, the historic pen which we definitely did not lose and which this definitely is. thank you, kevin. thank you, pilot.
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$10,400 going to the yellow ribbon fund. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) hello, america. the folks at wonderful pistachios have asked me to help sell their product. but, come on. they're wonderful. i'm wonderful. they'll sell themselves. i think we're done. yeah. you were good. i think ♪e're done. yeah.
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fold up your old map verizon t-mobile's network now reaches 96% of americans.
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( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is an emmy-award winning story with a new documentary "the story of the jews." please welcome simon schama. ( cheers and applause )
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simon, good to see you again. nice to have you back. this is your third time here. third time's a charm. >> it is. you keep asking me back. >> stephen: the first two times were pretty charming already, so no pressure. for those of you who may not know, you're a professor of art history and history at columbia university here in new york. you've written and presented 40 documents for the bbc, pbs, for the history channel, including the emmy award-winning "the power of art." >> yeah. >> stephen: now, you've got a two-book, five-part documentary series called the story of the jews, which premieres 8:00 p.m. on tuesday, march 25. the book drops-- >> and april the first. >> stephen: april the first? >> another three hours of jews. >> stephen: wow. >> yes. ( applause ). >> stephen: "tonight! three hours of jews." >> it gets even better or worse. you have do a jew-a-thon. a marathon on april, five
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hours-- that's too many jews even for me. >> stephen: wow. the book is called "the story of the jews, finding the words, 1,000 b to 1492." what happens in 1,000 bc, and what happens in 1492. was columbus jewish? >> it's been rumored he was. a lot of those were called new christians. >> stephen: oh, okay. >> the converts, actually. >> stephen: is that what i should call jews? i'll keep that in mind. >> you're a good catholic boy. >> stephen: i am. >> a new christian. she had a serpent on a bagel in her background. >> stephen: simon, do you have bag nel your background? >> i do. >> so you're jewish? >> i am. >> stephen: are you an observant jew? >> dwi to synagogue -- >> stephen: that first sound was yiddish. >> yes, it was.
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it was shiftish. exactly. i go to synagogue to confess my sins of which there are money on yom kippur. would you like to come. >> absolutely. >> you're on. >> stephen: so what happens in 1,000 b.c. >> king david, basically. and it's 1,000 because actually we know that-- there is some archaeology, actually, that now suggests there really were fortresses. we're discovering early hebrew writings. it's very exciting actually. >> stephen: one of the most surprising things, i understand early arc logical evidence shows there was a certain amount of paganism involved in jewish liveez. >> yes. >> stephen: how? isn't the whole thing that they're monotheist and invented that. >> yes, that's absolutely true. god is suppose to be formss, faceless, invisible. he's number one.
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"thou shall have no other god before me." meaning there's a lined queuing up, actually. >> stephen: it wasn't that there weren't other jobs. it's "i'm your steady." >> exactly. "i'm your steady and i'm actually seriously number one and and i can make the others ones go away if i want to." it's only with-- palestine, the holy land, israel is full of these little fig reeps, some of whom represented the wife of god ashara. >> what happened to her? >> she was written out. >> stephen: did the rabbi get a divorce. >> the figurines-- have you ever seen them. >> stephen: no. >> they were cute. they were goddesses of a heart, and they always are well endowed, and they're holding their endowments. there are thousands of these -- >> stephen: really, so there
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are ladies there-- >> you're doing it exactly right. >> stephen: versus doing it for themselves? >> exactly. >> stephen: wow. >> so the rabbis were uneasy with that. dd cup, double d cup-- it's absolutely true. >> stephen: what-- i know they started monotheism and wrote the bible and all that good stuff. what have they done for me lately? and i don't mean-- i don't mean just my writers. >> jerry seinfeld. >> stephen: okay, but that's after 1492. what are greatest-- ( cheers and applause ) is jaw diism-- is it a religion or is it a culture. if it's just a culture, i want to deny my writers the ability to take off their crazy holidays. i'm sorry, to get back to the question i interrupted you from answering, is judaism-- >> jews communicate by agreed mutual interruption. so now, you're even more jewish than you you think you are. >> stephen: really?
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by the fact that it's over. >> you'll be circumsides -- >> stephen: exactly. maybe so, maybe so. >> exactly. >> stephen: is it a curlt or a religion? >> it starts with religion. it has to start with religion, but religion is kind of inelastic. who draws the precise rules. i once gave a lecture-- wish you've been there-- or lowkus kosher." >> stephen: are they? >> if you read leviticus, they are considered crunchy birds. so the rules of the religion are kind of squishy and, you know, move around a bit. >> stephen: are you implying there might be parts of the bible that are contradictory? ( applause ). >> does that make you happy? >> stephen: is there another book coming after 1492? >> there is, there is, volume 2. >> stephen: what happens after 1492? >> it finishes with our
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conversation this evening. >> stephen: really simon, sounds like a hit. simon schama, "the strp of the simon schama, "the strp of the jews," the book, pbs, we'll be
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that's one way you calcould play it.t? nothing wrong with 8 hours sleep. another option? you get back in there, fight the coming of tomorrow. make it the kind of night most men can only dream of.
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fortune comes to those who seek it. new miller fortune. undistilled with a smooth finish for spirited nights. phone: your account is already paid in full. oh, well in that case, back to vacation mode. ♪boots and pants and boots and pants♪ ♪and boots and pants and boots and pants♪ ♪and boots and pants... voice-enabled bill pay. just a tap away on the geico app. ♪ huh, 15 minutes could save you 15% or more on car insurance. yup, everybody knows that. well, did you know that some owls aren't that wise. don't forget about i'm having brunch with meagan tomorrow. who? seriously, you met her like three times. who? geico. ( cheers ). >> stephen: that's it for the report, everybody. we'll see you in a week. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh


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