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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  May 5, 2014 9:30am-10:01am PDT

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here it is your moment of zen. >> gun stores are an accomplice to crime and captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report, good to have you with us, thank you, ladies and gentlemen. >> stephen, stephen, steve! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much, good to have you with us. ladies and gentlemen, if you can feel the energy in the room, i know these people
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came-- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: folks, i certainly hope you all had a great weekend. i did. i was in vatican city for a little saint-making festival called popechella (laughter) just like coachella, it had a party atmosphere and a lack of contraception. (laughter) every one was there to celebrate one thing, two things. (laughter) >> jim? >> some called it the day of four popes, pope francis and his predecessor benedict xvi at the ceremony this morning were two giants of the church, john paul ii and john xxiii were declared saints. >> it is an event that may well never happen again. in effect four popes in the same place at the same time. >> stephen: that's right there were so many popes you could not swing a dead pope without hitting one. now know surprise these guys were saint. john xxiii's modernized the church, second vatican council and john paul ii
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fought against communism but more importantly was an honorary harlem globetrotter. (applause) >> and i believe-- i believe-- i believe that they're undefeated record is the real miracle. (laughter) >> and folks, when you are be there, it is hard to explain, but it felt as if these departed popes were in st. peter's square with you because parts of them were. >> pope francis relic from each of the pontiffs. >> the re8ic of john xxiii is a piece of his skin. and the relic of john paul ii is his blood in a vial. >> stephen: skin and blood, why would the vatican want-- they're building a franken-pope! (applause) (laughter) folks t was a monumental day that brought all catholics
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together. luckily the news media was there to help drive use part. >> we have two men who are often seen as sort of para gorntion one john xxiii as sort of the liberal wing of the catholic chfern and the other one pope john paul ii seen as sort of the conservative. >> two very different popes. one liberal and one conservative. >> one viewed as a liberal icon and one as a conservative icon. >> stephen: thank goodness with all the love talk this weekend i was afraid that we will forget that everything in the world must be divide mood liberal or conservative. (laughter) i mean we all know judd as was a liberal and clearly god say conservative because he was pretty religious. but despite the pope's infallibility in all things religious, i can't help but feeling you got something wrong here. >> two miracles are required for sainthood. but pope francis waived that recognize businessity for pope john xxiii seen here on the left. and the canonization process for pope john paul 2nd on the right as you see here
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began prior to the normal five year waiting period. >> stephen: that is wrong. we cannot lower our standards for canonization i means that's how saint ives got in. if there are no standards, everything goes to hell, first you don't need two miracles to become a saint. next thing you know, everyone at the vatican is wearing denim on casual good friday. (applause) >> nation you know i pride myself on having the balls to say things other will not. (applause) and i know-- and i know, i know this is going to ruffle some feathers but i'm against infectious disease. i don't care how many sponsors that costs me. your cholera soaked money is no good here cadillac. that's why i experienced severe inflammation of my
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rage gland when i heard this. >> the polio-like illness has infected as many as 20 kids in california. >> concern about a growing outbreak of whooping cough. >> health officials are reporting more cases of muferps in ohio. >> despite measles was considered wiped out here in the u.s. 14 years ago, we're seeing a resurgence of this highly contagious but preventable disease across the country. >> stephen: yes, these diseases are making a comeback. like aerosmith in the 1990s. which also resulted in the spread of some disease. (laughter) and folk os, these are all diseases we have vaccines for. i mean who knows why these vaccines are no longer effective. i mean have the path agains evolved. are the doses now too small. why, science? >> the main reason is that more and more parents are choosing not to get their kids vaccinated. >> stephen: okay, that was it it got to dot thing. okay, you know, you see, back in-- (applause)
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>> here's what happened, back from the 90s doctors started giving infants more vaccines some of which contained a preservative called thimerosal which contained mercury and the rate of autism increased dramatically which caused many parents and celebrities to fear kids were getting autism from the vaccine. and mercury is bad for your brain. which is a shame because i used to love those glass pickie sticks my mom would give me when i was sick. folks, this anti-vax movement has done a lot of things that i love. star power, science denial and hip center appeal. bus penneyfarthings and handlebar mustaches are cool but nothing is more vintage than dying of rubella. the point is there is nothing to fear from people who fear vaccines here to tell us we're all going to die is the director of the vaccine education center at the children's hospital of philadelphia dr. paul offit,
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dr. offit, thank you so much for cominging ba. good to see you all right, okay. let's get to the here. 29% of americans believe vaccines cause autism. but apparently you scientists think you know better, okay. don't parents have the right to make the decision for their children and their children alone what is best for them? >> well, unfortunately, they're not making the decision for their children alone. when you choose to put your child at risk of getting a vaccine-preventable disease are you also putting everyone who they come in contact at risk. >> those people can get vaccines. >> but often they too, those children too have a parent that is choosing not to vaccinate. >> stephen: well that is the choice of the parent, the parent knows best for the child. >> but do they. >> stephen: yes they do, okay. they do. >> if a parent knows f a parent is not getting a vaccine for example because they fear as you eluded to earlier that it is caution autism then what they are doing is just putting aside an enormous amount, a
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mountain of science. there is now more than 20 studies that show va vaccines don't caught autism. think mer sal didn't caught oughtive. there is no relationship. >> stephen: but 29% of americans still believe that, surely they are at least 29% right. >> popular belief is not always popular wisdom. there are many things one didn't know about autism what you do know is that vaccines don't cause it. >> but there is, you have to admit that the amount of vaccination given to young children increased in the 90s. and the diagnosis of autism rose at the same time. that's a corollary affect, okay. it is the same way that the iphone is introduced and world war ii vets start dying. (laughter) >> in the same decade. it's got to have something to do with each other. >> you know is perfectly reasonable for the parent to ask the question. my child was fine, they got a vaccine, now they aren't fine, it is an answerable
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question, it has been answered again and again and again. the question is why is the 29% still think that vaccines may be a problem. when they are shown not to be. >> you head up something called the vaccine education center. the fact that we need a vaccine education center doesn't it mean you have already lost the fight? because i mean if you are right, vaccines are so great, why do we need to be educated about it. >> we shouldn't be. i mean their records should stand on their own. in the 19120s diptheria was one of the most common sill kyler did -- killers of teenagers. in the 20s polio ravaged american children causing tens of thousands of paralysis. measles before the vaccine in 1963 caused 48,000 children to be hospitalized and 500 to di. now we largely don't see those, they are starting to come back a little bit because parents are making these choices because they have forgotten about these disease, not only had we largely eliminated them but we eliminated the memory so people aren't scared.
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unfortunately they may have to the get scared of them again, which is sad. >> stephen: what if i were to till you sound like you are the-- popular of big pharma. they make the inoculations, they are making money, greasing your palms that is out there now, respond to it. >> yeah, so-- (applause) >> you know, it's amazing to me that we just keep knocking big pharma when in fact you can't on the one hand praise the fact that these vaccines have saved their lives, have allowed our children to live longer, better, healthier lives and then say that just dismiss the people that make it, that make these vaccines safely and effectively. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: all right, all right, all right. if you want to-- if you want to play the longer better healthier lives card, there's nothing i can do well, doctor, thank you so much for joining me. dr. paul offit. dr. paul offit. we'll be right back. get all your favorites all day, everyday.
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody, thanks so much nation, it's no surprise but i have had it up to here with barack obama constantly embarrassing our country. (laughter) he's like america's dorky dad. wearing high wasted jeans, always monitoring what we do on the internet. (laughter) thank god it's only a couple
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more years until we get to go to electoral college. but the most embarrassing thing about our president is that he keeps destroying 250 years of american greatness. >> we got this video of barack obama bough together saudi king abdullah. and now look, watch how low-- he's way below the shoulder. >> take a look the president of the united states bowing to the emerer of japan. that is a deep bow too. >> barack obama did a deep, deep bow. >> in japanese culture a deep bow is very often seen as a sign of apology or contrition. and the greater the apology, the greater am of dferb --. >> you know, the japanese invaded pearl harbor, you bow. >> stephen: oh, it goes back even further than that. i mean obama spent years on the very same island as pearl harbor graveling to japan on his hands and knees. shameful, shameful. (applause)
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>> well, folksing i'm thrilled to be sad to say our again you flecker in chief has done it again and it was spotted by journalist and man definitely not hiding a bald spot matt drugdge. u.s. president bows to japanese robot. he bowed to japanese robot. our nation hasn't been this hum il yated since john adams bowed to george 3rd's butter churn. and nation, this was an honest to god graveling i'm not worthy mr. roboto bow, then de something even more insulting to americans, he played soccer with it or as they call robot soccer in japan, foreplay. and folks, the embarrassment, the embarrassment to america did not end there the entire drip was intended to secure a trade deal which obama
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discussed over binner with japan's prime minister at the best sushi restaurant in the world, and obama humiliated us there by eating only half of his meal. half the meal? i mean forget about the united station. obama just got america quicked out of the clean plate club. what kind of example is this man setting for japanese children? every one knows if you don't finish your sea urchin you can't have your dessert, sea urchin peanuts. so with all this bungling it's no surprise that the president left japan without the trade agreement. and without the hello kitty backpack he promised joe biden. someone's going throw a tantrum. he's not going to be happy. nation, our japanese friends have been insulted and the president has got to save face. by the way, face also a
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japanese delicacy. so to make up for this mess and restore america's reputation to the japanese people, mr. president you are going have to eat a dolphin. oh, it's a delicacy over there but don't half ass it. you must finish the entire dolphin. the bottle nose, the dorsal fin, the gentle soul. every thing and no hiding the blow hole under your plate. we'll be right back.
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is the former u.s. ambassador to russia. or crimea. it's hard to tell at this point. please welcome ambassador michael mcfaul. (applause) mr. ambassador thank you so much for coming on. now ambassador that say great title. you get to hold on to that even if you are not ambassador any more? >> technically but now i'm professor. >> stephen: your excellency. >> if you want to call me that, that would be happy. >> stephen: that is really nice. i would have cards printed up. okay. now as i said you were former u.s. ambassador to russia. an architect of president obama's reset policy there. i hear that term a lot. what does reset mean? because we seem like we're reset to the cold war with russia.
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>> which i'm in favor of, what was the intention of our reset with russia? >> well back in 200 when president obama used that term the first time, the idea was very simple. that we have some common interest with russia. and if we engage with them f we talk to them we can achieve those outcomes so getting rid of nuclear weapons, sanctions on iran, supplying our troops in afghanistan through russia or increasing trade and investment, and that's what we did. >> we got those. >> we got those. >> where do thing goes south here? is it when we didn't agree with them over the gais s that what it was? because remember those days when the only thing we didn't like was the whole he doesn't like gays people. i'm nostalgic for that at this point. >> imhe-- i'm not. well, it had to do with that. because the reset was with president medvedev. >> stephen: the short guy. >> the short guy, neither is very big but the other guy.
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>> stephen: putin seems tall, right? >> they're both the same size. but when president putin came in, he changed the tone and then later the policy. i think it really had to do with the change. >> stephen: as bam was door to russia, how many years. >> two years. >> stephen: how do i know they didn't-- let me just ask you this, let me say this to you, the sqir sell in the basket. does that mean anything to you. >> nothing at all. >> stephen: good cause -- >> it doesn't mean anything that is not a code word at all. all right. was there a moment -- >> they. >> if they were trying to recruit me, i would have preferred a little bit better treatment. >> stephen: was there a moment when you were there you don't think you were under surveillance. >> that i was not? >> stephen: yeah. >> no, all the time. >> stephen: putin saw you as a personal enemy. >> yeah, he did. >> stephen: he thought you were behind the 2011 protest
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against his regime. >> that's right. i mean not just me, the president obama, united states, the west. >> stephen: but he didn't like you particularly. >> yeah, he didn't like me, that's right. he didn't. in fact, he told me once or twice. >> stephen: oh really? >> yeah. >> stephen: what did he say? >> just what you said, that he said i think you're supporting the opposition against me. >> stephen: were you, were you doing that? >> no i wasn't, i mean-- i mean i met with everybody. i engaged as a diplomat is supposed to do. >> stephen: are you a member of pussy riot is what i'm asking? (cheers and applause) >> i'm not a member. >> stephen: okay. >> though i have met with them. >> stephen: me too. >> soon after they were on your show. they liked you a lot. >> stephen: did they like new. >> i don't know i think they had more fun with you. >> stephen: i will put in a good word for you. >> okay. >> stephen: so what do we do now that we have sort of hit the reset button, things are
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rough between us and russia again do we hit the reset button again or do we take the cartridge out of the console and blow on it a few times before we put it back in? how do we get back to a working relationship with them. >> i don't think it's going happen any time soon. >> stephen: really? >> there is not another-- i don't think you have to go out and find another reset button because putin decide he doesn't want to cooperate with us. he doesn't want these win-win outcomes that i just talked about. and he is on a different course. >> stephen: seems win-win for him. eating he is eating our lunch over there. why won't we put troops in crimea. >> you want troops in crimea. >> stephen: what is wrong with having a land war in asia? >> stephen: when did that ever go wrong? (applause) >> stephen: because nobody wants to do that and therefore president obama i think rightly is trying to change putin's calculus,
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using different ways, in particular economic sanction, it maybe in the short run that makes putin popular. it has, he is at 80%, i obama is at 43. >> stephen: maybe obama should invade saskatchewan, something like that. >> i don't think that is wise but i don't do domestic politics. but that's to the going to last because in the long run this some that putin set up in autocratic reg seem i think will run its course and if the economy begins to tank his support will also fall. >> stephen: is there any mechanism inside russia to stop him or does very complete power. >> he has complete-- not total power. there is a lot of rich people that don't want to lose their money because of the adventures in ukraine but that's part of the robb f russia were more democratic, if there were a congress f there were opposition parties, if there were a show like yours in
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russia that would be criticism-- criticizing president putin that would make it more costly for him. right now he doesn't have those kind of controls on his power. >> stephen: if there was a show like mine in russia i would let someone else start my car. your excellency. (cheers and applause) ambassador michael mcfaul. we'll be right back. (vo) average. it's out there, convincing you that one donut hole couldn't possiblty lead to another. (vo) beat average. with gnc. nehey!r! [squeals]
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the report tonight announcer: ladies and gentlemen, baron vaughn! (crowd cheering) (woofing) (laughs) yes! thank you very much for that accurate response to my presence. (laughter) i appreciate that. good to see you. how you feeling tonight? (crowd cheering, whooping) oh, okay, you're feeling "whoo." good to know. good to know. uh, don't worry, by the way. i'm very funny, uh, you know, because, uh, 'cause i'm black. (chuckles)