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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  May 7, 2014 9:30am-10:01am PDT

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was >> stephen: tonight, a big step forward in fu gun rights, though you may want to take a step back. a new monument goes up in oklahoma city. this be pretty creative in the way they name their cities. my guest is show business legend bette midler. skidmore college is offering a course on miley cyrus. it's not that easy there's a lot of home twerk. it's the "colbert report."
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captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. good to have you with us. thank you for being here. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much for being here. i just got to wet the whistle for a second. ( cheers and applause ).
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>> stephen: sit down! i just want to give a shoutout to all of our friends in belgium watching right now. ( laughter ) nation, oh, breathe that in. spring is in the air. especially since i fired up my sweet pea and lilac glade plug-in. really makes it feel like sometimes i leave this building. and,sh, spring is the season of love when, shall we sabre the birds and the bees go at it in the sweaty pile of hard-core thorax-breaking. in this time of courtship tongues are wagging about one of america's most sought-after batchelors, rupert murdoch. ladies! ladies! he's breathing! ( laughter ) and you will not believe who
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rupert's crushin' on now. >> rand paul was seen with media mogul rupert murdoch at the kentucky derby last weekend. >> kentucky republican senator rand paul and media magnet rupert murdoch spent the day together at the kentucky derby. mourdock was paul's special guest. there's speculation the joint peerps could sign a mourdock endorsement if he runs for president. >> he got rupert murdoch to come down to kentucky. he got him to spend the day with him, to get to know him a little. >> stephen: yes, rand pulled out all the stops to impress his date, rupert murdoch, even wore's 50ive derby hat made of the finest gopher pelt. nation, i love this hot new celebrity power couple. i have even given rupert and rand paul their own fun nickname-- ru-paul. ( cheers and applause ) but as hot as this date was,
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rand should not get too attached to rupy here because mourdock is still playing the field. there are nearly a dozen republican presidential hopefuls courting him already. he's like a g.o.p. version of the bachelor, especially since they also want nothing to do with anyone named juan pablo. good luck to all the people out there. nation. we all know the obama regime is doing everything it can to undermine the second amendment. sure, obama hasn't undermined it yet, but he also hasn't undermined the first amendment so gun lovers still have the freedom to say he's undermining the second amendment without any evidence which makes us look nuts, thereby undermining the second amendment. it's all a long con. so i was thrilled to spend yesterweekend with like-minded patriots at the n.r.a.'s 2014 annual meeting in indianapolis. it was over nine acres of guns, gear, and outfitters that featured innovative products
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lieb the stalking shield for the ethical hunter who wants to ensure they call only the stupidest members of the herd. the stalking shield they'll never trust a tree again. the convention also features speakers like louisiana governor and boy who wished to be big, bobby jindal. who made it clear the stakes facing the n.r.a. could not be higher. >> the same liberal extremists who want to come take our guns are the same forces that want to take away our religious liberty. >> stephen: exactly! if we cave on gun control, next comes religion control, which means a three-day waiting period before i can buy a bible. then what will i put in my breast pocket to miraculously protect me from all the stray bullets flying around. ( laughter ) now, also on the lectern of people who just happen to be in the neighborhood caring about guns and what do you mean i'm not running for president was former, former senator rick santorum who talked about the crucial role guns play in any
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happy marge. >> karen owns more guns than i do. i don't know about most men, b but, you know, the default gift for most men is to buy flowers on a special occasion. for me, the safe bet-- ammo. >> stephen: yes. why say it with flowers when you can say it with bullet? it's the gift that goes straight to someone else's heart. ( laughter ) ( applause ) and, folks-- ( cheers and applause ) a lot of ammo fans here tonight. ( laughter ) and it's more important than ever for these heros to stand up for our right to pear arms and/or plastic oak-bark tunics. because this is a critical time for the most important gun right of all, concealed carry. which is guaranteed by our constitution. now, yes, you can't see it written in there. that's cuz it's concealed. ( laughter ) so i was happy to see georgia's
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governor nathan deal stand up for the right to rock out with your glock not out. >> georgia's governor has signed a controversial gun bill into law. >> starting july 1, people in georgia can bring firemans into bars, libraries, churches and even some government buildings. >> its official name is the "safe carry protection act." but critics call it the guns everywhere bill. >> that's right, critics call it the guns everywhere bill. while supporters call it the guns, everybody, bill! and with this law, with this law-- i assume they yell that at someone named bill. with this law, georgians will be able to bring their guns to schools, bars, churches, and libraries. of course, there you will want to use a silencer. but best of all, best of all, folks, you can now even pack heat in certain parts of the airport, which will finally allow you to defend that one seat with an outlet.
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( laughter ) ( applause ) shockingly-- ( cheers ) shockingly, shockingly, the guns everywhere bill doesn't cover some everywheres. yes tissue broadens conceal carry, eligibility to include people who have committed crimes with guns. but only after they're out of jail. why can't they carry guns in prison? that's where whereyou need them. that place is full of criminals! this guns everywhere bill is a good start, but it still requires you to carry a gun to have a gun. that's why i say we must broaden guns everywhere to everywhere is guns. all buildings in america must provide concealed weapons in event of a nongun-having emergency. just use the gun on the chain to shoot the glass and grab the gun. ( applause ) because the only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy
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with a gun. and if everybody has a gun, chances are, at least one of them will be good. ( laughter ) we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) [ male announcer ] we start the day thinking about one thing.
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( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: hey, welcome back, everybody. thank you. welcome back. thank you so much. folks, i don't have to tell you good people that there is a war on religion in america. the secular humanists will not stop until they take god out of
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the pledge of allegiance, christ out of christmas, and the jew out of fourth of july. ... christians are even under attack in oklahoma where a feeppeddish plot could go off without a hitch, unlike their executions. >> a satanic sculpture is almost complete and it could be going outside the oklahoma state house. satanists raised money for a sculpture after a monument of the 10 commandments went up. >> i think this might be just plain evil. >> stephen: it's a statue of the devil, and you think it might be just plain evil? that's like saying you think the tall guy sitting in the chair in the memorial might be just plain lincoln. ( laughter ) the fact that you're not sure it's evil means that this thing is already working. ( laughter ) here's how we got to where we are right now. back in 2005, the supreme court ruled the 10 commandments could not be displayed on government property. oh, really? but it's perfectly fine for
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public smart to display the druid's holy symbol, the tree. and for the sky to put up the islamic crescent moon every month. wake up! it is waxing sharia. thankfully, oklahoma's legislature passed a bill allowing the monument anyway but requiring private funds to pay for the installation. now these satanists are abusing these loopholes. those satanists... they used the crowd funding site indiegogo to raise almost $30,000 using diabolically irresistible awards. a $100 donation gets you a satanic mug and t-shirt because we know nothing proclaims your allegiance to the prince of darkness more than a matching mug and t-shirt. that is the mouth of madness. that is the face of eagle. just look at this monstrosity.
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it has two innocent children gazing up in wonder at the devil and is designed so real kids may sit on the lap of say thein. that is wrong. kids this only be sitting in the laps of strange old men at the mall. and worst of all, worst of all, this satanic statue is not even of satan. it's clearly the pagan idol baphomet, a sabbatic goat deity worshipped by the knight tempura. what kind of poseur devil worshipers are we dealing with here? let me guess-- you're reformed sasatanists. we believe all people should be able to imagine the lord of hell in his or her own way. wrong. there have got to be ruse, or just become a lutheran, already. plus, you didn't even get baphomet right who classically is depicted with perched female breasts and a snake-headed
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caduceus boner. by the way if your snake-headed caduceus boner lasts more than four hours, contact your witch doctor. and, folks, i'm so tired of people continuing to confuse baphomet with satan. and i'm not the only one. joining me now is tonight's first guest, please welcome he who must not be named, satan. ( cheers and applause ) mr. satan, thank you for joining us. >> honor to be here, stephen. sorry, i couldn't be there in person but the only flight to new york was in coach on united airlines. i spend enough time in hell as it is. ha-ha-ha. >> stephen: now, satan, you and i rarely see eye to eye on anything but i understand you don't like this statue, either. >> pardon my language, stephen but this statute is horse hockey. everything with a goat head must be the devil.
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that is racist. >> stephen: i didn't realize you were so sensitive to prejudice. >> look, just because i'm the father of all hatred doesn't mean i'm some kind of bigot. i will torture the flesh of any race, creed or color. to paraphrase dr. king, i have a nightmare. ( laughter ). >> stephen: now, mr. satan, have you spoken to baphomet about this? >> yes, i have, stephen, and he is so depressed, he won't even leave his waterbed filled with the tears of children. how would you feel if you were dropped two months' salaries on a pair of high, hard double ds and they didn't even make it on the statue. that's bound to give you some body issues. >> stephen: thanks for joining us satan. but before you go, is there anything you'd like to plug. >> yes, check out the internship on dvd and blu-ray. i'm really proud of it. >> stephen: satan, lord of hell, everybody. >> ba-ba-booie. >> stephen: we'll be right back. ♪
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nehey!r! [squeals] ♪ [ewh!] [baby crying] the great thing about a subaru is you don't have to put up with that new car smell for long. the versatile, 2015 subaru forester. love. it's what makes a subaru, a subaru. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is a show business legend. i'll make her apologize for how much i crieded at the end of "beaches." please welcome bette midler. ( cheers and applause ). miss midler, thank you so much for coming. what a pleasure to have you on here. >> thank you so much. thank you for having me. >> stephen: singer, actress-- >> comic. >> stephen: comedienne-- whatever you want to describe
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yourself. >> small, very thin, elderly, but i look fabulous. what can i say? ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: you do. you've won-- you've won three grammies, four goldep globes, three emmys and a tony. and you're here with an interesting project. it's a re-issue of a book that you originally wrote and put out in 1980 called "a view from a broad." >> uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. that's right. >> stephen: why-- why re-issue a book from almost 35 years ago? and can i do that, too? >> , of course, you can. if you have a book you may re-issue. everybody re-issues stuff nowadays. they re-issue their great album, their great movie. the 40th anniversary of "beaches," or whatever the heck. so i have had-- it was in the pile. you know how you have the little piles all over the house? >> stephen: sure. >> and you start to try to keep them in order every now and again. soy found this in the pile and i read it, and-- but the voice of
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it is so disarming and so sweet, like i am nowadays. i'm covered in barnicles, i'm a crone. it was nice-- i thought it would be a nice yet idea-- there are two generations between that and this and they don't know me at all. i thought, maybe you know, maybe they'll get into-- i'm not just winnie from hocus-pocus. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: when you went back and interested and heard that voice of the younger you, what did you make of yourself? >> you know, i was so-- there was a sweetness to me and a naivete, and it's also very, very funny. i was funny in a very effortless way, and i really like that voice. i really like-- there's a little edge of cynicism, but it's also-- there are so many lies in it! >> stephen: really. >> it's so full of lies that i-- it's a confection -- >> stephen: have you thought about annualitating it with just the word "( bleep )" at the
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bottom of each page. >> that's a great idea. that's what i should have done. >> stephen: you should put out a teacher's edition. this is describing a tour, a world tour you did in 1978. >> yes. >> stephen: were there groupies? >> for women there are no groupie. >> stephen: really, no? >> you have to have the sound crew or lighting crew. you get your pick of them. >> stephen: really? >>s sometimes if you're really -- >> stephen: did you parade them by. >> you can see how i picked my band. >> stephen:band. those days are over, of course,. >> stephen: they don't have to be. i have a lovely crew here. any of these guys would be honored. there it is. there is a picture-- >> how i choose my band. >> stephen: that's actually your band without any pants on. >> stephen: what would you say to your younger self now if you could talk to her? >> i would say hang on. it's going to be a hell of a ride. that's what i would say. >> stephen: would she say anything to you? is it a two-way street, when you
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recapture that voice by reading about yourself what, do you think she would say to you? >> she would probably say i'm tough i can make it. indeed, i did. but in a career you have your ups and your downs. not for you, not for you. >> stephen: it's been one rocket ride to heaven. ( cheers and applause ). >> i have to admit, it's true. i have followed you, and it is true. i don't know how you do it. i swear to god. the rest of us hit snags all time, but not you. >> stephen: what's it like to be divine? you are the divine miss m.. and what do you think that means when it's applied to you, "the divine?" >> well, you know, it's so odd-- you can take it in two ways. i thought-- you know when i was a girl, i used to read all these sort of various gossipy books and people would go around saying,"you're so divine, darling. you're divine." and i thought that was fun, be divine. i didn't understand the god-like quality of it, i didn't understand the reference to the spirituality of it. and really the truth is, if you
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say you're divine enough, you actually do become rather god-like, but in fact -- >> stephen: isn't that a burden? >> no, not for me. not for me. ( laughter ) i'm always struggling to be one with god. i'm always struggling. yes, i am, it's true. in fact i told my daughter and husband i was a messiah. and they believed me. >> stephen: that story often ends, you know, kind of rough. >> very badly. ( laughter ). >> stephen: it has a happy ending, but in between, there's a trough. >> yes, yes. i do-- i've seen the picture. i saw the movie. >> stephen: you described yourself as something of a misfit. everybody likes you. how could you be a misfit? >> i was born in hawaii, and i was born in hawaii in the middle of the last century-- i'm not going to tell you when. i was born in hawaii, and in those days, the days that i was growing up, white people were considered the enemy. and if you were white they called you things like holly crab or ( bleep ) or this or that. >> stephen: what does howly
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mean? >> white person. follow along, honey, follow along. white, white. >> stephen: i don't speak aloha. >> hawley means a foreigner and it refers to people who are white. >> stephen: did you have to develop a character? >> i did, i really did. i developed a lot of armor in those days. it was okay. it really was okay. when i discovered that i actually could make those people who were not happy with me laugh, this was a big step forward for me. and, really, i never looked back from that. things changed for me one i learned that i could make people laugh. and then once i went to a high school where there happened to be a few more white people than me, so i know did discrimination. i know about that. because i felt it. i know what that's about. and my dad was fantastic. my dad was like everybody's swell. everybody's great. it department matter what color you were. it didn't matter what color you were. he was the most tolerant man i ever met and i think i got a lot of that from him.
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>> stephen: how long did you do this character the divine mis"m"? >> i'm still doing it. i showed up here, didn't i? i have been divine for about-- i started out, i think since 1967. i claipped myself divine when-- claimed myself divine in 1967, and i never changed my tune. >> stephen: so you can make an entire career of playing a character of yourself. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers ) bette midler, thank you so much. >> my pleasure. >> stephen: bette midler, the book is "a view from a broad." book is "a view from a broad." we'll be right back.
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: good night, captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh announcer: from new york city, "comedy central presents": godfrey. [cheers and applause] godfrey: yo! [cheers, whistles & applause] what's up, new york?