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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  May 20, 2014 6:57pm-7:29pm PDT

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used to? then is science degrees bias against women, we already invented blarb last mascara, what more do they want and my guest senator elizabeth warren is the left's latest darling. sorry glut enallergies, your 15 minutes are up. a man in tennessee was arrested for attempting to have sex with an atm. even worse he had to pay a penalty for early withdrawal. this is the colbert report captioning sponsored by comedy central welcome to the report, thank you, ladies and gentlemen, come on! >> stephen, stephen, steve!
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stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! good to you have with us on this fine spring night. nation, thank you so much. you know, folks it's not just mindless adoreation, folks. i need it and i want to thank you for singling me out for your applause. it makes me feel special as an individual. because frankly i'm sick and tired of hearing about equality. equality right force gay, equal pay for women. equal space for equal. and now bama equalicrat over ot national institutes of health are directing scientists to perform their experiments on both female
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and male animals. coed lab rats? bad idea. you know late at night they will hookup at work and then it will be awkward around the water bottle the next day. you see traditionally when scientists test a drug on mice or rats they are usually male. natural enough, the female rats are all being used to keep-- but-- looking good, all right. but of course there's another reason the female rats were left out of the experiments. >> turns out female rats also have those pesky hormones so to control for that variable, most researchers study just males. you got to leave the females out. any scientist knows it is crucial to he lame nature extraneous variables like half the global population. but apparently, apparently, folks, turns out that omission created a few oopsy
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daisies like ambien t was put on the market after extensive testing to years ago but last year the fda told women to cut their doses in laugh because new studies show they met an lyze the active ingren ingrend-- ingredients more slowly then men do. unfortunately a lot of those women missed that because they were asleep. and now they're blaming the rats. >> not studiesing both male and female animals results in more problems for women down the road. >> if the whole darn pipeline is male dominated than sex differences truly do matter how can it not be the case that you are going to end up with on average a lot more negative side effects in women than in men so, women should be grateful for bonus side effects. i mean this time it's being sleepy but next time it might be invisibility or heat vision. and this long-standing
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tradition of testing on only male subjects is based on the underlying asump shun that females are simply a variation on a theme. folks that's science. male is the false human. all right f you want bells and listens like the bumpy bits in front or all that fancy plumbing down there, it comes at a price, ladies. for instance we don't make medicine for you. i mean after all how are we supposed to, women are too complicated that is why they are not allowed on boats. the guys that make compass goes crazy. don't believe me, then why are their insides exactly like the bermuda triangle? lost a lot of good men in there. and folks-- (applause)
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>> i want you to know i just showed admirable restraint. but folks whether you are an american or a lady american, things will going great in this country right now. the dow is over 16,000. and that is a lot of dows. i mean to put that in laymen's turn if you hut 16,000 dow and laid them end-to-end that will be almost 5 naz and i hope i don't have to tell you what that means because i would have to ask someone else. >> we've come along way since 2008 when the economy cratered thanks to obama's misguided running for president. i thirx i was preoccupied with the last season. it was a dark time for everyone. and folks this recovery is all thanks to our heroic banks who face the possible
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extinction, hunkered down and got to work accepting all the money in the world that we gave them. and all they asked in return is that we not ask anything in return or over bring the subject up again. but some wanted to destroy our bank like massachusetts senator and school librarian you had a crush on elizabeth warren. (applause) she is credited the creation of the consumer financial protection bureau. -- on the world's most respected financial program. >> i want a strong consumer agency. >> what would they do. >> what this would do is make sure we could all read our credit card agreement. >> you can read your credit card. >> not the ones we have now, they are about 30 pages now, tiny little print. >> are you a professor of contract law at harvard university. >> that's right. >> and you can't read them. >> that's right. it's designed not to be
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read. >> good because i can't read my credit card agreement. it's against my credit card agreement. i think, i'm too scared to read it and warren's not just attack credit cards now, senator buzzshackle wants to take the adventure out of banking. >> banking should not be this kind of high risk activity. and it should not be taking on risk. if you want to take on those risks you need to be somewhere else. banking should be boring. >> banking should not be boring. opening a simple checking account should be a high risk adrenaline fuel vault to the wall. that is why my accountant bill files my taxes while landing in a 360 nose vault butter fly. and it's not making her any friends, folks. >> elizabeth warren is loathed by wall street, hated by wall street. >> wall street hates her. >> they really, really do hater. >> just like the old with us because adage, if you don't
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have anything nice to say, it's probably about elizabeth warren. and now she's introduced the bank on student emergency loan refinancing act. a bill so socialist that socialist senator bernie sanders praised it saying its only thing wrong with this bill is that elizabeth thought of it and i didn't. she's outcommying the commies. hang on, jimmy, put warren's hair on sanders, okay. now put sanders hair on warren. oh my god, now switch their faces it's the same person. now worst of all, folk t warren supporters are lining up to make her president and she is doing nothing dissuade them. >> i'm not running for president. >> i'm not running for president. >> i'm not running for president. >> i'm not running for president. >> oh, methinks she dote
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clearly states she's not running for president too much. i mean why else would she release this memoir a fighting chance. the only really politicians write these things is because they are throwing their hat in the ring. that's why i'm confident the republicans are going to nominate governor-- he promises to tighten washington's belt but i won't tell you where. the point is-- there are republicans and or bondage fans here tonight. the point is-- the point is irresponsible media needs to stop giving senator warren a platform to spew her destructive agenda. why? i don't know.
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>> i will ask tonight's guest senator elizabeth warren. we'll be right back. [music - artist: hanan townshend "awareness"] we read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. and the human race is filled with passion. and medicine, law, business, engineering - these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. but poetry, beauty, romance, love -
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these are what we stay alive for. to quote from whitman, "o me, o life of the questions of these recurring. of the endless trains of the faithless. of cities filled with the foolish. what good amid these, o me, o life? answer: that you are here. that life exists and identity. that the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse." "that the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse." what will your verse be? that's odd. (vo) celebrate this memorial day with up to 40% off hotels at travelocity. plus, enter promo code memorial50 for an additional $50 off. (gnome) go and smell the roses.
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abortion this debate ultimately of course comes down to the question of where does life begin. well tonight once and for all, i-- was's that? folks, i have just been handed a late-breaking steven colbert consumer alert. attention, tension outdoorsman if are you the owner of a cabela jerky blaster model ix 540848 put down the blaster and step away from the meat gun. for more on this breaking story we turn to our affiliate at kstp st. paul's news leader. >> now to a consumer alert for cabela customers. the outdoor retailer is recalling 600 of these jerky blasters. they're used to make jerky strips and sticks. cabela says the battery chargeary dapter can overcharge causing it to overheat and start a fire. >> thanks, eric. critically important information, folks. this jerky blaster's battery charger adaptor can overheat.
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also, there is something called a jerky blaster. (laughter) did not know. according to cabela it is an electrically powered handheld jerky extruder. you cram your meat into the tube, then pull the trigger and the meat is squirted out in tiddee strips. it is similar to a caulking gun but the difference is there is no difference. there is the perfect gift for any hunter who has ever thought i just got this animal with my gun. i wish i had a gun that shoots animal. and folks, talk about convenience. the jerky blaster is cordless. so it's perfect for the outdoorsman who is jerking on the go. i use my everywhere. on horseback, playing tennis, even during the colonoscopy i needed from eating so much jerky. the point is, folks, this is a huge loss for those of us
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in the jerking community. i jerk everywhere i go. i even sneak off at work and jerk my meat-- and on weekends i go with the guns on hunting trips. we shoot an animal then stand around in a circle and jerk it. i know what you are thinking. (applause) some jerkers out there tonight. i know what you're thinking, isn't all that eat going to gum up the blaster? not if you are using cabela's other actual products. food grade silicone lubricant. everything you want in a food lube. it's flavorless, and slick as a whistle. pro tip, pump a little of cabela food grade food lubricant before a meal and you can turn any burger into a slider. even if you done own a jerky blaster, soon you will be
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>> welcome back, everybody, my guest tonight is wrote a memoir called a fighting chance. please welcome senator elizabeth warren. (applause) senator warren, thanks so much for coming back. all right. well, first of all, let me say it's a pleasure to you have back. it's been a few years. >> good to be here. >> and i want to remind you the last time you were here i did not call, senator, because you were not a senator. >> that's right. >> stephen: you are welcome for the colbert bump. >> thank you. >> stephen: i will get my face on the back end, no doubt. okay. senior senator from massachusetts, former harvard law professor who came with the idea for the consumer financial protection bureau, also chaired the congressional oversight panel of the $700 billion tarp program and you have written nine books, the
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latest of which is a fighting chance. who has got the fighting chance here, senator? are you the person fighting or is america the people fighting. >> well, a little of both. look i'm somebody who grew up on the ragged edge of the middle class. my daddy was a-- my mom worked a minimum wage job at sears there was no money for college. >> don't you try to outhumble me. i will not be outhumbled. my father was an appalachian miner, okay. >> got it but here was the key difference. i grew up in an america that was investing in kids. it was investing in public universities t had a higher minimum wage. it was an america that said every kid would get a fighting chance. and that's how we built america's great middle class. then starting in about the 1980s we turned in a different direction. >> you mean when reagan came in and it was morning in
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america. (laughter) the direction toward greatness pride. >> yes, that is the right time, when this happened. (laughter) (applause) >> so we are all all on the same page right now. >> that's right. and what happened is that he had a couple of ideas. the first one was that they would fire the cops. not the ones on main street but the ones on wall street. >> the ones who were shackling creativity, and engine uity in our financial-- ingenuityity in our financial institution. >> and making sure the biggest financial institutions actually fold the law. those were the cops they got rid of. >> for the law that is a vague term, law. your one man's law is another person's regulations. and regulations bad. regulation stifles business and stifles entrepreneurship. >> no, knock, no. no, see if we don't have
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some basic rules then what happens is exactly what happened then. and that is the big financial institutions made billions of dollars by cheating people on credit cards, mortgages. >> what dow mean cheating people on credit cards. you sign up for a credit card, use the credit card and then you have to pay your bills, is that too complicated for harvard? >> oh. >> so you just accused reagan of supporting cheating people. those were your words. >> let's be clear about this. it was supporting having the regulators look the other way. while the biggest financial institutions did every trick and every trap possible in credit cards, in mortgages, in checking account rules. and they made billions of dollars doing it. and at the same time they loaded up on risk. and what ultimately happened by 2008 was that they broke the economy. they got bailed out by the taxpayers. they continued to break the law in foreclosing on
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people's mortgages. >> but let me point something out to you. we gave them a ton of money for tarp, okay. >> that's right. >> we made $62 billion. the american people, the government made $52 billion on tarp. we made a profit, the individual homeowners who were bailed out, we lost 7.5 billion on those people. >> oh. >> aren't you backing the wrong horse here? the bank, the banks gave us the profits, the middle class doesn't give the profit back. why are you working so hard to help people who aren't paying their bills. >> oh, so -- >> again this is a lot of freeloading i'm hearing you report. it is just more socialism. >> you are right there has been a lot of freeloading but the freeloading has been by the biggest financial institution was got bailed-- . >> who paid us back. >> they got bailed out by the american tax pay pers, who broke the law and were never held responsible. >> broke the law, what laws did they break? name one law they broke. >> how about the mortgage laws that said they were supposed to follow certain rules when they foreclosed
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against people's homes. and what they did in texas, they said we could save a lot of money if we didn't follow the law. they have admitted to that but here is the key part. nobody went to jail for any part of this. the only people in america today without go to jail are regular folks. big financial institutions get out there, they launder drug money, they violate the law and still no one is held accountable. i think that's fundamentally wrong, every one should-- (applause) >> ladies and gentlemen, i will ask you, just out of politeness, out of politeness do not cheer for me in the middle of her answer. (laughter) >> you cannot-- the reason why you cannot send these people to jail is as have you ever heard of the invisible hand of the market, have you heard of that. >> yeah. >> you can't put handcuffs on an invisible hand. the cops can't find it so the invisible hand of the market this is the way you make money is to -- >> you are just pushing the envelope. what i call breaking the law
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i call pushing the envelope. >> well, you could put handcuffs on people who push the envelope. when they break the law they deserve to have handcuffs that's how it should be. now this is-- (laughter) (cheers and applause) >> i sigh how this works. this is what this book is all about. >> a fighting chance. >> it's about whose side the government is going to be on. >> okay. >> is it going to be on the side of the largest financial institution and the largest banks on wall street, the ones that can hire. a lot of lobbyists and lawyers, or is it going to be on the side of real people. you know we-- (applause) >> we can't-- capitalism if there aren't rules. nobody should be able to steal your purse on main street or be able to steal
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your pension on wall street. >> the obvious question is are you running for president? (laughter) >> no, i'm not running for president. >> you're not running for president, okay. right now you're not running. a long time between now and 2016. >> i'm in the running for president. >> you're not running for president, okay. last question, are you running for president? (laughter) >> i'm not running aring for president. >> all right, that's a maybe. elizabeth warren, thank you so much for joining me. senator elizabeth warren. the book is a fighting chance. we'll be right back. we'll be right back. thank you so much
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what are you chasing? you need to see this. show him the curve. ♪ do you know what this means? the greater the curvature, the bigger the difference. [sci-fi tractor beam sound] ...sucked me right in... it's beautiful. gotta admit one thing... ...can't beat the view. ♪ introducing the world's first curved ultra high definition television from samsung. >> stephen: that's it for the report, captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh >> may 19th, 12014. from comedy central's world
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news headquarters in new york this is the daily show with jon stewart captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) >> jon: thank you, welcome to the daily show, my name is jon stewart. good show tonight. professor x, you may think to yourself oh -- james mcavoy is professor x. (laughter) [bleep] you may remember a few weeks ago on the program, dow watch the program? (laughter) or you may not remember, you may have been watching basketball. we addressed a minor incident in our otherwise spotless department of veterans affairs. something about the phoenix va workers falsifying