a situation best summed up thusly -- >> (bleep)! >> jon: that sounds right. by the way, no one is more upset about this than thy i don't understand of the republican senate. >> the v.a. issue is an embarrassment and the president's response is an emapartment. >> he needs to treat these stories at least as seriously as the obamacare web site fiasco. >> jon: oh, takes the v.a., turns it into obam obamacare! yes, these republican senators have always stood up for our veterans! when they think it can help them slam the president. slightly different when they think no one's watching.

>> a bill to extend healthcare and education for veterans getting we jected in the senate, a lack of support from republicans doomed this bill. >> jon: what? you might say the lack of support of the bill from republicans is embarrassment. >> senate republican leader mitch mcconnell tried to add an unrelated poison pill amendment to that veterans bill that would impose new sanctions on iran. >> jon: i'll just slip this -- this poison pill in there... (laughter) if anyone saw it, sure would seem hypocritical... (laughter) then i'll reward myself with a -- a cabbage leaf. (laughter) but, of course! as the president's critics likely pointed out, president obama knew about the v.a. backlog problems before he was even president obama.

>> this memo prepared for president elect obama's transition team by the george w. bush administration outlined difficulties veterans faced in obtaining timely healthcare. >> jon: proves two things -- one this, president hasn't done enough to end this backlog and, two, the previous president hasn't done enough to end the backlog! so the problems existed on the day president bush left office. >> no, no, no. no. no. by improving systems, it got down to an average of about 161 days by the time that bush left office. by 2012, it was back up above the 230 that we inherited when we came into office to 260. >> jon: he's braggings because he got the veterans average wait down to five to six months, and when it jumped back up to eight months was the bush administration's doing as well.

so they were warned not to unsolve the problem the bush administration hadn't solved either. that's so disingenuous even bill "beyonce-hunter" o'reilly has to call it out. >> the v.a. itself made a report to the incoming obama people. >> no, no, no. first of all, it is not a v.a. report. it is a report from people assigned by the obama campaign to their transition planning. these were probably democrats in washington. >> you're wrong. >> this comes from -- yes, but here bill, let me describe what it is. >> no, no, no. let me describe what the problem was, bill. you are conflating again. >> i have to go on the record, mr. rove. mr. rove, i have to go on the record. >> nope. >> see, this is why i like bill o'reilly. he's like fox news' incredible hulk. sure, he's usually just a mindlessly aggressive force of destruction. but pointed at the right target, he becomes a hero. but let's be clear -- as traditions go, mistreating

our veterans is fully bipartisan. we'll soon find out as we take a jaunt town "terrible memory lane." what's up, man! what's up? the 1980s! girls just wanted to have fun! and reagan just wanted to have gorbachev tear down that wall! while mean while the v.a. was telling the researchers to underreport the number of v.a. hospitals with an inordinately high mortality rate. and america fell in love with a family called the simpsons. not far enough back? all right. what's up, man? the 1960's, man. the beatles experimented with "the white album," while in vietnam the military was experimenting with a

"different" color. agent "orange." don't worry, troops, this groovy herbicide won't cause you any harm. unless you consider cancer and nervous system damage harm. whoah, mannnn. i just had a crazy vision of the future! the reagan administration is gonna deny federal liability in agent orange contamination, and suppress evidence of harm to vietnam veterans. it won't be properly addressed for another 20 years after that -- man! not far enough? how about this... the year was 1932! while most of america was being served delicious soup, 10,000 world war i veterans marched on

washington to get the war bonuses they'd been promised 15 years ago but instead of bonuses, they all got complimentary tear gas and tanks. >> congressmen left through back doors and underground tunnels to avoid confrontations. >> look, it makes me so damn mad, a whole lotta people speaking at you like trash, god they didn't speak of you like trash in 1917 and 18, no!" (cheers)] >> i'm with you, fella! why, this gets me so steamed i could... i got a swearjaw right here! don't do it yet! (laughter) (applause)

by the way, i wish breaking promises to veterans was a 20th century innovation, but since we don't have time to go back to the 19th century, let's jump back to the first war. the number one song was -- mostly cloudy that one with the flute, and everyone in the country was watching that hit show -- going to sleep because the sun went down. but a lack of the constitution didn't mean we the people couldn't still screw the the veterans. in 1783, a few disgruntled former fighters took congress hostage to try to get the money they were promised. unfortunately, they were sentenced to death. worry not, the sentences were commuted! because there's no one we love better than our veterans. let's pretent this current v.a. crisis is an anomaly created by one unusually callous and

ineffective president. but that would be just pretend. or on this memorial bay weekend eve we can finally admit america has had for over 200 years of a great bipartisan tradition by honoring those who fought for our freedom by (bleep) them over once they give their guns back.

>> jon: hey, welcome back to the show! last week, india elected a new prime minister, narendra modi. tonight, jason jones files his final report from india, examining this new leader. ♪ >> in a crushing defeat to its incumbent party, india has chosen a new leader, but there's only one question the american media has about the new prime

minister, narendra modi. >> what if anything does the u.s. have to fear from this man? >> a conservative, hindu nationalist. >> an ugly past. the authoritarian mode. you wouldn't want to make an enemy of this man. >> according to us, india just elected this guy -- (screaming) but even indian journalists still have unanswered questions. >> i would like to ask narendra modi why hasn't he held himself truly accountable. i would like to believe that if 1,000 people die under your watch when you're chief minister either you're incompetent, complicit or both. >> what he was referring to was this. >> it was during his tenure that at least a thousand team mostly muslims were killed in the religious riots in 2002. >> and modi refuses to address this controversy. let's remember, i'm the guy who went to russia and got gorbachev's number on the black market, so there was no way i was going all the way to india

and not getting an interview with modi. wait, is that him? that's modi? hey, after all that is said and done, mr. modi, after the 2002 2002gujrat riots -- >> he's not modi. a look alike? look like modi, yeah. ah. of course modi wasn't going to appear in public, he was the most powerful man in india. i saw a report on indian television he was holding a rally across town. mr. mosey, you've yet to express remorse. why is that? >> i need a translator! okay. hold on. you're not the real modi? listen, i'm not saying you all look alike, but you really look alike. >> i look like modi? yeah. turns out in a country as big as this, a candidate can't be

everywhere, so instead they dispatch lookalikes to rally the voters. i saw modi doubles, triples and even qua quadruples. >> him? no, doesn't look like him. he'd gone to great lengths to gouge d.o.j. questions about the riots, but according to this spokesman, that case is closed. >> there are only a few elite in the media who can't forget the memories of 2002. >> so why hasn't he just come out and said, you know what? it's terrible what happened? >> the supreme court conducted extensive inquiries and he was being tricked. >> the highest court in the land cleared narendra modi and the people accepted that decision. what about the criticism of modi saying he didn't care about the

muslims. >> (indiscernible). say that again? the courts have given him a clean chit. >> chit. oh, chit means legal record. i promised i wasn't going to make cheap chit jokes, but since they started it. >> india has given him a clean chit. >> can you ever really have a clean chit. >> 100%, absolutely. some are saying the chit is still dirty. >> i don't give the command. the court says clean chit. clean chit. modihouse modi has a clean chitn chit. >> it sounds different to our ear. >> oh! clean chit? . good enough for you, good enough for me. how is it modi's starkest opponent started to accept his

victory? >> we must learn to have the courage to honor the decision of our own people. >> wow! i'm from america where we stop people from voting, where we pride ourselves in not getting anything done. we've become obstructionists for on instruction's sake. was there anything i could do to feel the peace among these indians? >> find out what has that kind of power. >> i'm going to do that. thank you very much. ♪ >> as i journey toward the holy waters, my entire experience began to make sense. india taught me to open myself to any cuisine. what's so funny? (speaking a foreign language) >> i don't know what that means. new stupid games and i learned to lose weight. i found out after a divisive

election, no one wins, everybody should shut up and move on. as i went through the ground of dead bodies, i remember the important lesson. so when modi doesn't want to do something, you send in these ghies. >> yes. don't turn around, ruins the illusion. you have to go all the way in or it doesn't count. yeah. (applause) i feel a lot better. i feel a lot better. >> jon:xc oh no they've put up a sign. capital letters mean business. or maybe that's nature's way of weeding out the timid. your fortune awaits. you need to see this. show 'em the curve. ♪

do you know what this means? the greater the curvature, the bigger the difference. [sci-fi tractor beam sound] ...sucked me right in... it's beautiful. gotta admit one thing... ...can't beat the view. ♪ introducing the world's first curved ultra high definition television from samsung. brewed for more this ispirited nights.tune. it's undistilled, yet it has a smooth clean finish. you might choose a regular beer, but then you might get a regular night. miller fortune. your fortune awaits. ♪ this little light of mine ♪ i'm gonna let it shine ♪ this little light of mine [kids fighting] ♪ i'm gonna let it shine ♪ this little light of mine ♪ i'm gonna let it shine

believe in yourself -- we do. go you. cigna. tell us how being true to yourself keeps you healthy at cigna.com/goyou boring! yeah! ♪ if you want to see old faithful ♪ ♪ don't be such a couch potato ♪ ♪ yeah just go check out the thing for yourself ♪ highlander! ♪ we ain't got no room for boring ♪ ♪ ferdy gerdy ferdy ger boom! [ cluck, cluck ] ♪ no, we ain't got no room ♪ for boring ♪ for boring, we ain't got no room ♪ ahh! [ male announcer ] the 2014 highlander. toyota. let's go places. (cheers and applause) >> jon: we've got a new film called "blended." >> what's going on in the sweater, just for the article. >> no, these are actually from

my son. >> wow, what a progressive mother. >> no, i found a center fold under his bed and i tore it up. >> you're here to replace it before the kid finds out? >> yes, but i can't tell what magazine it's from. i -- >> do you have any of the center fold remnants? >> yes, i do. i am -- i tried to tape it back up. >> did a great job. you can hardly tell. >> jon: been there. welcome back to the program drew barrymore! (cheers and applause) >> jon: how are you?

this is going to be very surreal because, obviously, i watch you on colbert every night. >> jon: it's a tremendous hour of power. >> it is the power hour! >> jon: let me tell you about power hour. you gave birth, what, four weeks ago? >> my daughter is one month old today. >> jon: that's crazy! crazy! >> and i am always nerding out. i'm, like, happy birthday -- and my husband's, like, it's not her birthday exactly, but okay. >> jon: did you actually go to africa? >> yeah, two months. >> jon: don't you need fever shots? >> yeah, you have to pretty much prepare for anything. then, you know, like a lot of things in life, i pretty much, like, cut 20 years off my life in stress and fear and coronaries and freakouts and what ifs and not living in the present because i'm so certain the future is just going to be diabolical, and it was all okay.

>> jon: oh! and it was, like, okay, this is a good life lesson that you don't need to have a coronary on a minute-by-minute basis. >> jon: i wasn't how the story was going to end. >> right now, i'm just on benadryl. >> jon: there you go. respect. benadryl respect. allergies are crazy. going to africa with your own 6 month old, i would have thought, boy, that's a recipe for another movie right there. you can imagine in the jungle them raising your child. you can't find her, she's rise bid hyenas, then it gets its own disney movie. >> right. i took her out every weekend to see different animals and i realized all my stress was inevitably leading to this extraordinary life experience where i'm standing, like, with my kid and, like, there's 50 ill fans rolling by and i'm, like, wow, i was not thinking about this option when i thought of

every hard, gnarly thing that could occur. >> jon: how many times did you stand there as the elephants were going by and hold the child up like that? (singing) did you do that a bunch? >> i was more like let's instagram this to our girlfriends.com so they can see what we're up to. >> jon: with a 6-month-old, you think, elephants. and they're, like, look, fabric! >> we were actually late to work one time because there was a herd of elephants blocking the road. >> jon: right. it's, like, the dog ate my homework! i was, like, what were we supposed to do? infuriate them? we were way outnumbered in our small car! there's ten elephants. i'm going to wait until they pass! >> jon: where were they going, do you think?

>> i don't know, but one car did try to get by them and they were not having that. >> jon: the elephants were like, oh, (bleep), late for work! (laughter) >> they were. >> jon: your movie has a lot of heart, going to make people cry. >> there's a lot of africa, great comedy and it's a very big fun, scopey, happy movie, but i'm telling you, this is a great emotional journey. it is a great romantic comedy adam and i got to do together. when you're young you're, like, oh, my god, i love him! jell-o shots! then when you're older, you're like, wait a minute, is he going to pick the kids up on time? am i going to be able to reach him? is he going to be a good father? it's a romance set in a world where two people become attracted to each other based on each other's parenting styles. i love that. that's totally where i am in my life. that's my priority and i loved it and it's very emotional because it's about what the kids

need, are they happy and it's amongst all the craziness. >> jon: look at you. this is lovely. drew barrymore, thank you for coming by. (cheers and applause) >> jon: it's drew barrymore! ♪ do i remember? how could i forget? when francois thibault said he was going to make vodka in cognac, with spring water and the best french wheat. everyone here said...non,non,non!

but little by little, the world got to love what he had made. true to his word, he did indeed create a vodka that tasted like no other! grey goose, francois? the extraordinary belongs to those who make it. in all its naked glory; that's too hot for tv, stripped of chocolate, with nothing but salty roasted peanuts on soft sweet caramel. a payday bar will get you through your day. expose yourself to payday.

♪ "slam" by onyx paul george: "ahhhhhh!" gatorade fierce. more bold intense flavor.

♪ show 'em the curve. it's beautiful. it's more than that... ...it's perfect. introducing curved ultra high definition television

>> jon: childish words, popping up on buildings and signs all over. police say there's nothing funny about this. >> you can see behind me the discolored bricks, that graffiti has already been cle has already been cle (cheers and applause) ♪ i'm going down to south park, gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪

♪ going down to south park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪ ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ people spouting, "howdy, neighbor" ♪ ♪ heading on up to south park, gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ ♪ mrph rmhmhm rm! mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪ ♪ come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine ♪ what does that do? not sure, but it looks awesome. we heat the room to 110 degrees. huh? she's fine.

on your right! what did you get? no clue, but it's jacked with protein. wow in a world filled with fads, it's nice to get back to basics. seriously dude? meat, cheese and nuts? seriously. new p3 portable protein pack. it's 13 grams of serious protein, without taking itself too seriously. it's the original protein. it's oscar mayer. [person]we all got our because of you know who... [group]thank you sharon [person]...so i almost fell over when she told me she got herself a new bed... [person]...sharon got rid of her tempur-pedic ?!?! [person]...relax, she said... it's a brand new tempur-pedic... ...and then she unzipped the cover and showed how you can wash it anytime you like... [announcer] and, with the cool-to-the-touch smart climate system, now, there truly is... nothing like the feel of a real tempur-pedic. [person]it's definitely changed my life [person]thank you sharon [announcer]learn more at tempurpedic.com tender chicken, smoky bacon, melted monterey cheddar, creamy ranch. in the quiz show where hunger's the million dollar question,