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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  August 27, 2014 6:54pm-7:26pm PDT

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i wouldn't mind an orange. cha cha cha. rachel, take off your socks. it's [bleep] gross. why is "gravy" capitalized? is that how bad her gravy is? amy has no idea. she's making a sub-par gravy. this guy's not asking for an excellent gravy. "i want the best gravy!" he wants a decent gravy so he can choke down that dog food you call dinner. bye-bye, shaqueffa. white girl never stood a chance. see you on the post-show. good night. [applause] >> stephen: hey, jeff. hi. >> stephen: thanks for being here, man.
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>> oh, my pleasure. what's wrong? (sighs) >> stephen: oh, nothing. you look-up set. >> stephen: it's just a major crisis. >> yeah? well, i'm an actor, you know. let me act like i'm helping. (laughter) lay it on me, man. >> stephen: i'm in a bit of a show business pickle. i'm not actually here tonight. >> where are you? >> stephen: i'm in l.a. the emmys were last night and i was nominated. >> oh! was i nominated? >> stephen: no. (bleep). >> stephen: what were we talking about? >> what were we talking about? >> stephen: me. you're not here? >> stephen: no. am i here? >> stephen: no. this is a pre-tape. you're in the past. >> when in the past? >> stephen: two weeks ago. oh. >> stephen: my question is, jeff, should i come back to do my show live in new york tonight, which involves me taking the red eye back from los angeles after the emmys, or
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should i just play a show i recorded two weeks ago? >> who was the guest? >> stephen: you are. oh! sounds like a pretty cool show. let me do the whole pros and cons thing with this deal. >> stephen: okay. what are the pros of you flying back and doing the show live? >> stephen: well, the material will be more topical, which fulfills what i believe is a sacred trust between me and my audience. >> and the cons are... >> stephen: i don't want to. there's your answer, man, right there. >> stephen: (laughter) one of the things is my audience might miss me talking about whether or not i won the emmy. >> no problemo. you just take one of these camera phone things with you. >> stephen: i've seen one of those. >> and then at the emmys, whether you win or not. >> stephen: me talking there and we edit it in now, like on this phone?
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>> sure! >> stephen: hi! we won for show and we won for riding last week and now we're going to go celebrate in the official emmy parking garage, because that's glamour, that's hollywood. and thank you, nation. this is "the colbert report"! captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh ♪ (eagle caw) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to "the report"! thank you for joining us, ladies and gentlemen, in here, out there, all around the world, nation, huge show tonight! i am either very happy about the emmys or wondering why i went. (laughter) either way, i cannot wait to
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find out how i am so hung over. oh, excuse me, hold on a second. my stover frozen dinner is ready! and, oh, kids! there's nothing i enjoy more than eating a nice, hot stouffer's family-size lasagna. after this, i will feel like i've got a baby in me! (laughter) and the reason i'm stouffin' my face is this crowd hails from the 78th installment from my 434th part series! ohio's 11th, includes the city of cleveland, founded by general moses cleveland in 1796. as of the 1800s, the city's population consisted of only three men -- a sociological condition known today as north dakota.
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in 1879, cleveland became the world's first city to be lighted electrically. residents were proud of the achievement, though disappointed to see more of cleveland. (laughter) the 11th is home to the mighty chiia hogue gay river, once so polluted, it caught on fire 13 times. after the first 12 fires they realized they shouldn't try to put them out with river water. in 1935, the district was the first place of alcoholic anonymous founded by bill wilson and dr. bob smith. oh, shoot! founded by two guys. sorry. (laughter) okay. ohio's 11th is the home of the cavaliers, the browns and the cleveland indians, a team so bad that they are in last place at offending native americans. (laughter) the rock and roll hall of fame in cleveland attracts hundreds
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of thousands of tourists to the 11th each year. this year the hall inducted '70s rock band kiss whose front man gene simmons is the only thing more colonel luted than the river. (laughter) and who represents the district? congresswoman martha fudge the head of the congressional black caucus. i sat down with her in her office. congresswoman, thank you for talking to me. >> my pleasure. thank you for having us. >> stephen: tell me about the fight in the 11th. >> the 11th, though my opinion is probably biased, is the best in the united states. we have the best orchestra, the best healthcare with the cleveland clinic, university hospitals and -- >> stephen: lebron with, am i right? up top? >> lebron. >> stephen: up top? you must be excited he's returning to cleveland. >> absolutely. >> stephen: you must be pretty excited when anyone is returning to cleveland.
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>> i am excited he's coming back to cleveland, absolutely. >> stephen: your district is home to derripada and you host a lemonade stand and you were born in your district? >> yes. >> stephen: is it accurate to say milk, milk, le let lemonade? (laughter) >> i guess, yes. >> stephen: okay. cleveland is known for its healthcare. >> yes. the cleveland clinic is the site of the world's first face transplant. >> yes. >> stephen: how do we know you are who you say you are and not in someone who stole your face and represent you? >> i've had this face a long time. a lot of people know me. >> stephen: let me ask your opinion. >> okay. >> stephen: do you think i should just get a freshen up or
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have a new one put on. >> i think you look fine. >> stephen: i'm thinking just a little, like this. hi! (laughter) >> i think you look great. >> stephen: really? yes. >> stephen: thank you very much. let's move on to another subject. what do we do about children from el salvador and quat mall leand honduras who are coming to our southern border in droves? >> i think we should follow the law and the law says that we have to give them a due process hearing and determine if, in fact, they should be sent back or if they can stay in this country. >> stephen: the law also says to protect our borders. >> it does and we do. >> stephen: how so? they're getting across, tens of thousands of these kids, if they are kids. you don't even know if they are children. guatemalaians are very wonderful but very small people (laughter) any one of them could be adults wearing a kid's suit. >> we put laws in place for a reason. the 2008 law signed by president george bush needs to be
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enforced. >> stephen: you fought for immigration reform to include immigrants from africa. why would you want to do that? we tried that for 300 years and it was terrible for both sides (laughter) led to a huge problem. led to a war. >> it was over slavery. >> stephen: i'm pretty sure the war wasn't over slavery. >> yes. >> stephen: it was? but it wasn't necessarily because people from africa were trying to come across our borders as immigrants. we were brought here against our own will. >> stephen: well, history will be the judge. (laughter) speaking of people of color. john boehner. you held hands and sang we shall overcom in 1964, right? >> yes. >> stephen: racism is over, right? >> no, it is not.
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>> stephen: how could you have done that if there was still racism? >> it says we shall, at some point we will. >> stephen: we have overcome. join me. ♪ we have overcome ♪ we have overcome albeit recently ♪ things have gotten better. >> yes. >> stephen: when you look back at the most egregious part of racism, jim crow era, '50s, '60s, is there any part of it that you miss? >> no, i don't think so. (laughter) >> stephen: okay. the drinking fountains. don't get me wrong, i don't think there should be white or black drinking fountains. anyone could drink anywhere they want. but there were twice as many. it was just more convenient, you know. >> i don't think drinking fountains are the most sanitary thing anyway. >> stephen: that's your biggest problem? >> no, that there were white and
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black. >> stephen: if you don't want to use either one, why is it a problem? >> it restricted movement in our nation. >> stephen: i agree. you and i are singing the same tune with different lyrics. (laughter) cleveland is the rock and roll hall of fame. >> yes. >> stephen: i have two grammies. i had a band in the '80s called stephen and the colberts. >> i'm not familiar wit, no. ♪ every time i see you, i think of you ♪ ♪ every time i'm near you, i think of you ♪ ♪ i think of you when i dream of you ♪ ♪ and i'm taking pictures of you ♪ ♪ i think of you when i'm in a blimp ♪ ♪ look hing down from up above you ♪ ♪ you know i'm missing you ♪ my mind is kissing you ♪ i'm right behind you now, charlene ♪ (laughter) ♪ ♪ i'm right behind you now,
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charlene ♪ (laughter) >> stephen: that doesn't ring a bell at all? it doesn't -- >> are we done? please. >> stephen: no, we're not done! stay tuned for the exciting conclusion of this thing we're not done with. we'll be right back! ♪ introducing new johnny appleseed hard apple cider. refreshingly sweet and intense. and bursting with a crisp apple bite. so try a johnny appleseed hard apple cider tonight and let the stories flow. the summer that summers from here on will be compared to. so get out there, and get the best price guaranteed. find it for less and we'll match it and give you $50 toward your next trip. expedia. find yours.
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(applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. before the commercial break, i was grilling ohio congresswoman marsha fudge, which if you add marshmallow and graham crackers would make a congressional sh shmore. >> music transcends everything until we decide it's going to be a great idea to have musicians come together. >> stephen: is it fair to say you want to rock us out with the caucus out? >> yes. >> stephen: would you be willing to say that? (applause) do you have a pack? >> i do. and is it called fudge pack? it is not?
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>> no. >> stephen: would bit a good name, though? >> no. >> stephen: everyone would like to have a bumper sticker saying "i am a fudge packer." it would be great. you think about that? >> i'll think about it. >> stephen: moving on. you were an outstanding athlete. >> i was. >> stephen: in your youth. you were a fencing champion in high school. >> yes. >> stephen: i've done a little fencing. >> have you? >> stephen: congresswoman... (laughter) i challenge you to a duel. >> i accept! ♪ >> stephen: my name is stephen colbert. prepare to die. if i win, you make me a member of the congressional black caucus. if you win, i'll make you a
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member of the white caucus. i'll talk to somebody. ♪ whose is that? >> mine. >> stephen: what! ♪ that was me, baby! that was all me! that was all me! (applause) so, that's two out of three? >> two out of three. ♪ (applause) >> stephen: i accept your defeat graciously. i am now a proud member of the congressional black caucus.
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let's put ohio's 11th up on the big board! oh! looks like the cuyahoga river is having its fourteenth fire. having its fourteenth fire. we'll be right back.
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: >> stephen: our guests tonight are here to discuss "the giver," their new film about a world where everyone is forced to conform. so, high school? please welcome jeff bridges and lois lowry! (cheers and applause) jeff, ms. lowery, thank you so much for being here! jeff bridges, you are an academy award winning actor, producer, musician. lois lowry, newberry author of over 30 books -- (applause) -- one of which is "the giver" and now the two of you have
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gotten together to make a new movie in which you star as "the giver" and it opens in theaters august 15. why did you want to make this movie, man? >> well, it was all about the photograph on the cover that lois took. >> stephen: it kind of looks like you. >> well, yeah, but i thought it looked like my father, lloyd bridges -- >> many years ago. -- this was 18 years ago. and i said, you know, i want to make a movie that my kids can watch. looks like it has the newberry stamp award on there. my dad's up for it and, you know -- >> stephen: did you make it? well -- >> stephen: your dad passed away many years ago. >> we made the video version of it. >> stephen: okay. and you may see it at some point in time. we do this past-future thing. you never know how it might work out.
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>> he's trying to find it, it's in his garage someplace. >> stephen: are there a lot of old films of yours you don't know where they are? (laughter) my kids love this book. this book has been read millions and millions of times. it's assigned in schools. is that a badge of honor that it's assigned in schools or, when you hear that, you go, oh, my god! don't make them read it! >> when i hear some kids by email who say, tell me all the simile and metaphors in the book, i need it by thursday -- i hate that. >> stephen: is it a metaphor for something? a few people out there know the story of the giver -- obviously,
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i do -- (laughter) -- tell the people what it's about. >> it's about an old guy played by jeff bridges (laughter) who has an enormous job transmitting to a jung boy played by brenton sway -- who's not here, too bad, he's real cute -- transmitting to him all the memories of the culture for the history of the world. >> stephen: and the reason you have to do it is, in the future, there is this place called "the community" and in it they don't have memory. >> they have found a way to manipulate human memory for their purposes. >> stephen: is that a good or bad thing not to have memory? because there is stuff i would like to forget. >> we would all like to forget it. >> stephen: honest to god. john klein wrote, today i walk down the street i used to wander, scratched my head and made myself a bet, there are all these things i don't think i remember, how lucky can one man
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get. wouldn't it be nice to remember the things that hurt us? >> you remembered four lines of poetry. i can't do that! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: what's the value? why does this society, this community, why do they purposefully inject people with something to make them forget? >> they're going for perfection. >> stephen: is it that bad? yeah. it doesn't work. we're perfectly imperfect, you know. >> stephen: you're blowing my mind. (cheers and applause) okay. what do they achieve? let's talk about the down sides. what does a society achieve? what are the pros? >> they are comfortable, safe, they're happy. >> stephen: all of that sounds pretty good, i've got to say. i wouldn't mind being comfortable and safe and happy.
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>> would you like to not love? because, as the song goes, love hurts. ♪ love hurts... >> stephen: love is a battl battlefield. >> oh! >> stephen: okay. so you have to suffer to love? >> suffering is a part of the whole deal, man. it's human. when you try to get rid of that, it cozes a lot of different problems. what you have to do is kind of bear witness to our suffering and try to get some empathy for each other. >> and along with the things they gained, the comfort and happiness, they have lost something of their humanity but also they lost art, music, literature. there's no books except in the place where he lives. he lives in a place with 22,000 books on the shelves and walls. >> i have one beef with the book and i'm sure the movie, too, is
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it's a little anti-authoritarian, okay? it's got a problem with authority, and i think you should have a problem with it, too, because since this book is assigned, shouldn't kids rebel against authority and refuse to read it because their teachers told them to? >> there is that. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: "the giver" in theaters august 15th. theaters august 15th.
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