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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  October 28, 2014 11:31pm-12:02am PDT

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>> jon: that's our show. >> stay at home for 21 days. we will pay. he joy your family, friends, kids. read a b captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh ♪ (eagle caw) (cheers and applause)
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>> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen! welcome to "the report." thank you for joining us. (audience chanting "stephen") >> stephen: thank you so much for being here! (cheers and applause) in here, out there, all around the world, mr. and mrs. america! all the nation, thank you so much for being here! folks, if you check your calendar, i hope you do, every day, nation, we are just a few days away from the most hallowed of all eens, halloween. (laughter) i'm so good at trick or treating. pro tip: cut out the middle man and go straight to the store to get your candy. november 1, it's usually on sale. so i will monster mash anyone who threatens this sacred pagan holiday. this is the war on halloween.
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(wind blowing, knocking, screaming) folks, when i'm looking for people assaulting or traditional halloween values, the first place i turn is federal government web sites. and i am never disappointed at how disappointed i am. for instance, this year, uncle sam is going after my favorite part of halloween: carving the pumpkin. driving a 12-inch chef's knife into a tough-yet-slippery gourd hide is a great way to get rid of any excess thumbs you've got laying around your hand. but just listen to how big government is trying to carve its own agenda. >> you know what the obama administration wants you to do, according to the department of energy? this halloween, rather than carve out something scary or a jack-o'-lantern in the face of that $45 pumpkin you buy, why don't you do one of five green energy designs like the c.f.l.
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light bulb or a windmill or some leaves or something like that? isn't that a great idea? >> stephen: no, it's not a great idea. not. the global warming agenda has no place in our spooky-time fun. we don't know if climate change is manmade. i'm not even sure if frankenstein is manmade. the mad science isn't in yet! besides, the whole reason we carve pumpkins on halloween is to prove our dominance over nature. that's why we stab a pumpkin in the face and then display it on our front porches as a warning to the other vegetables. here's a message for your buddies back on the farm! you tell that squash i'm coming for him with nutmeg and chicken stock! i will make his life a living soup! and that's not the only flaming bag of government they're leaving on our front porch. the fda web site demands that, before going bobbing for apples, you reduce the number of bacteria that might be present on apples by thoroughly rinsing
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them under cool running water. great tip. you always want to make sure your apples are sparklingly clean before dropping them into a lukewarm cesspool of toddler is not. -- toddler snot. i call it "bobbing for pink eye"? huge pink eye fans here tonight. and the nanny state goons won't even let us enjoy our sweet meats because many halloween candies contain palm oil, and the thugs at the department of fish and wildlife are demanding that we read our labels! palm oil plantations are contributing to animal habitat loss around the world. oh, i have such happy childhood memories of rushing home to "read" my candy. besides, the best part of the candy is to harm animals. and candy companies know this,
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that's why they promote their ingredients right on the label. for pete's sake, kit kats are made from ground-up kittens, and kattens. (applause) >> stephen: delicious! crunchy! that's why they're crunchy! give me a break. of course, the kitten coddlers out there don't want you to eat pets. that's illegal, they say. well, not everywhere because you can have a dog for dinner in pennsylvania, thanks to the n.r.a. (booing) no, it's true. that was spooky, though. to find out how this whole thing started, let's go to wpvi, pennsylvania's news leader. >> this whole thing started after a small number of butcher shops across pennsylvania started selling dog and cat meat. in response, house bill 1750 designed to outlaw the human consumption of household pets was quickly put together. >> the n.r.a.-opposed bill never got voted on.
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>> the day will go the n.r.a.'s way. >> stephen: woo! we did it! it is still legal in pennsylvania to serve cat and dog meat. so you're safe for now, white castle. (applause) now, i don't always agree with the n.r.a., but i do. especially about why this bill had to die. >> when the measure went to the state senate, an amendment was added calling for a ban on live pigeon shoots in pennsylvania as well. that attracted critics from the national rifle association. >> stephen: now i realize that shooting a pigeon on the ground might seem like shooting fish in a barrel, but there's a big difference. fish don't scream. according to the n.r.a.'s web site, banning the time-honored tradition of shooting captive pigeons might begin the slide down a slippery slope, and the next stop will be regulated shooting grounds. that's right. in order to protect their right
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to kill birds, the n.r.a. defeated this anti-pet-eating bill. it's a hard but noble sacrifice. the dogs and cats have to die, in order that the pigeons may also die. now folks, i don't expressly condone the eating of pets. sure, you may say, "stephen, what about your endorsement of the popular chinese brand of high-end cat meat stew, "colonel tuxedo's happy joy power cat with eating"? our motto: "reliable sting of pleasure! trustworthy of lunch"! well, i would say, greg, i stopped selling this product long ago. now i only donate it to schools. had to get rid of the stock. the cans were swelling. but since the n.r.a. went to so much trouble, i showed my support by ordering n.r.a. c.e.o. "wayne lapierre's 101 recipes for your household pet." don't these sound delicious? a beagle with cream cheese,
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german shepherd's pie, oysters on the half sheltie, and chicken poodle soup. it's mm-mmm good boy! of course, the the mid terms are next week, and one can only imagine how eating-fido-gate will affect the race between pennsylvania governor and high school principal who's going to let this go "just once," tom corbett, and democrat challenger and guy who would "love" to show you his dulcimer piano, tom wolf. i have been watching this race closely, even though you can see the gap in the polls from space because wolf is beating corbett by 17 points. corbett has especially failed to attract minorities, with a recent poll putting his non-white support at 9%. the only thing keeping corbett afloat is his rock-solid support amongst albino hedgehogs. i don't get it. there is ample evidence that black people love tom corbett.
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look at this photo on his web site. showing him inches from a black woman who couldn't be happier about it. but, of course, the liberal media are trying to ruin his beautiful moment of racial harmony. >> governor tom corbett's campaign goes on the defense after accusations it photoshoped an image on corbett's web site to make it look more diverse. the african-american woman smiling there in the background of the group is a stock image added by the campaign. the web site buzzfeed was first to report this. >> stephen: leave it to buzzfeed buzz kills to blow something out of photoshopped proportion. corbett did this woman a favor. before he pasted her into his rainbow coalition, she was over on shutterstock stuck in a boring meeting with a financial advisor. c'mon, no retirement plan is that much fun. fortunately, the corbett campaign isn't backing down. >> the corbett campaign responded by saying the entire
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image is photoshopped to make it look like corbett was talking with a group of people. all web sites use graphics. the graphic represents governor corbett's widespread support across pennsylvania. >> stephen: see? they're not pretending black women like him. they're pretending anyone likes him. (cheers and applause) we love you tom! and they're being modest. as long as they're photoshoping in supporters, there are all kinds of important pennsylvania constituents they left out, like the amish, punxsutawney phil, the philly fanatic, and ben franklin humping a cheese steak. for that matter, i'm sure corbett could beat tom wolf if he lost the black woman and added tom wolf. point is, sometimes to appeal to a diverse demographic, realty needs a little boost. isn't that right, my audience?
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(cheers and applause) we'll be right back.
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back. nation, i love sport. i also love pretending that i
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love things that i don't. this is the sport report! folks, it's no secret the n.f.l. has been plagued by controversy. there are growing concerns over the safety of football players, as well as the safety of people who know football players. so i was happy to hear about a new alternative to football -- more football. >> fxfl is here. three major cities, new york, boston, omaha. as some of the best talent in the country is on center stage, looking to keep their pro football dreams alive. >> your heart beats together as one! >> we'll see you at the game.
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>> stephen: yes, the fxfl, which stands for "fall experimental football league," and it's comprised primarily of players released during or after the n.f.l. pre-season. perfect! how many times are you watched a college football game and said, i wish the players were better. then watched an n.f.l. game and said, no, not this good. (laughter) the fxfl has four teams, the omaha mammoths, the brooklyn bolts, the boston brawlers, and if you don't live in one of those cities, you can root for the blacktips... because they don't have a home city and are, instead, "a roving all-star team that will play all its games on the road." they're sort of like the harlem globetrotters, except the globetrotters are better at football.
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and the fxfl will provide a viable platform for marginal players to receive live training, ultimately giving the n.f.l. teams better-prepared in-season roster replacements. and the league hopes that 25 to 30% of fxfl players return to the n.f.l. this fall. great selling point. who wouldn't want to watch a sport where, week by week, all the good players leave? and the competition will be fierce because the season's only six weeks, with games on wednesday nights. which is perfect because wednesday is the night i start the process of looking inside myself and try to honestly ascertain my redness for some football! (cheers and applause) now, i know what you're saying, nation -- another new football league? we've already had the usfl, the ufl, the nfl europe and the xfl. and all of those leagues failed,
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but the fxfl will be different because they added an "f," the letter synonymous with success! we'll be right back.
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here's the situation-- a contaminated energy drink has turned everyone into mutants. - ( roars ) - all this place needs is a hero. one who doesn't just survive, but does it with style! - ( rock music playing ) - ♪ i can't hide ♪ ♪ i'm too high ♪ ♪ ain't time for a drive-by... ♪ can you save sunset city? of course you can. it's a -- video game. announcer: rated m for mature.
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( announcer speaks ) there it is... this is where i met your grandpa. right under this tree. ♪ (man) some things are worth holding onto. they're hugging the tree. (man) that's why we got a subaru. or was it that tree? (man) introducing the all-new subaru outback.
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love. it's what makes a subaru, a subaru.
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody! my guest is the acclaimed author of "flash boys," "the blind side," and "the big short." i can't wait to see what adjective and noun prepares next. please welcome michael lewis! (cheers and applause) hey, michael! good to see you! >> good to see you! >> stephen: i didn't know we were dressing for boca raton tonight (laughter) you look so summery, i want to have a gin and tonic for that outfit. this is your fourth time back. thank you for being here. >> my pleasure. >> stephen: everybody who watches the show knows you're the author of many best-sellers and you're here to talk about something very special, the 25th anniversary of your first book "liar's poker: rising
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through the wreckage on wall street." what has changed 25 years later about what we need to remember about the go-go '80s. you know, reagan, morning in america, defeating the evil empire, bright lights, big city, you know, masters of the universe. >> yes. so your question is? >> stephen: what has changed on wall street or has anything changed? >> not much. i tell you what's changed, it's gotten much better at disguising what it's doing, and it's harder to understand it's from the outside than it was. >> stephen: computers do a lot of the trading now, don't they? >> yes, in the stock market, all of it. >> stephen: do they do most of the cocaine, too? (applause) >> just the strippers. >> stephen: yeah, okay. all right.
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you have a very, like, jaundiced view of wall street. you worked there -- >> i don't think i have a jaundiced view. >> stephen: you don't? no, i have -- well, when i worked there, i had kind of a loving view of it. >> stephen: then why did you leave, baby? couldn't run with the big dogs? why did you get out? too hot for you? why did you leave? >> i think i wasn't very good at it, to start with. >> stephen: you put yourself in the position of analyzing, criticizing it. >> writing a story about it more than anything. >> stephen: c'mon, man a, this is an indictment of wall street. >> no, i think accomplish is an indeemed oif wall street. >> stephen: i haven't read that (laughter) >> you would have done very well on wall street because you have the central quality of a wall street person. >> stephen: balls. (applause) what else do you need?
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is there something else you need? >> you're often wrong but seldom in down. >> stephen: i may be factually inaccurate but i get to the heart of what felt right. >> that's right, and you're totally sure of yourself. >> stephen: balls to the wall, my friend! that's right, so even though you haven't read the book, off very clear opinion of it. >> stephen: your elizabeth warrens out there say the stock market is rigged. >> i said it first. >> stephen: really? flashpoint is about this. i think the stock market is rigged. it's a very weird market. computers are doing the trading but some computers get to see the prices before others, and your computer sees the prices last. >> stephen: how do i get one of their computers? >> it takes a lot of money and you need to know people. >> stephen: does anybody know how wall street works? does anybody know? because i can't understand it. i look at, like, the news -- this is my symbol for news.
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>> that's right. >> stephen: i look at all the news. i don't know what's going on. the dow is at 17,000-5. is that good for me it is there at 17-5? >> do you own some of it? >> stephen: i think so. well, that's good. >> stephen: really? yeah! >> stephen: aren't i getting ripped off by the guys who are there first? >> the beauty of the rigging is you don't feel it much if you're just an ordinary person. >> stephen: so they're shaving the skin off my back, so little it just feels like dermabrasion? >> it's like a partial enema. >> stephen: a partial enema? yeah. >> stephen: just enough! it just feels cleansing! >> stephen: wow! literally, that means they're
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literally douche bags. (applause) i have an idea. >> what are we -- >> stephen: here we go. so you lie to each other about how many numbers you have -- serial numbers on a bill. >> you call snit do you want to start or me? >> i have a couple of questions. have you seen this bill? >> stephen: no. you swear? >> stephen: yeah. you want to bet? >> we should raise the stakes. >> stephen: $10 million. no tears. (applause) >> if we're going to do this -- >> stephen: let's do this, michael. >> how about $1,000 to the charity of your choice?
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>> stephen: $1,000 to the charity of our choice (applause) >> do you want to start? >> stephen: i'll start, sure. i'll say there's three 2s. >> three 9. >> stephen: man, you jumped it. you jumped i'll call you on that. >> i got one. >> stephen: i got none. $1,000! michael lewis! >> i told you! >> stephen: what? i told you i wasn't any good at it! that's why i left. i suck! >> stephen: you enjoy cutting that check to the n.r.a., my friend! friend! mikmichael
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it's everything we stand for. >> stephen: that's it for "the report," everybody! good night! ♪ >> sorry. >> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds. this happened today. it will be really tough to pick a bridesmaid for your wedding. you have to find a friend who will not only be able to support you and your ( bleep ) crying-- this is my day-- phone calls but willing to spend thousands of dollars on a tress and shoes she'll never be able to wear again and gets so drunk she?  s unpr