tv The Colbert Report Comedy Central November 18, 2014 5:55pm-6:28pm PST
welcome to "the report. good to have you with us. in there, out there, all over the world. thank you so much! ladies and gentlemen -- (cheers and applause) ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for coming. folks -- (cheers and applause) folks, please have a seat. we've got huge news to get to right off the bat. nation, i'm no fan of bicycles. (laughter) it's like taking a spin class to get to my spin class. (laughter) no thanks. plus they're always crowding the tiny lane i use when there's traffic. (laughter) well, over the weekend, bicycles or "bikes," as gangbangers call them, claimed their latest victim. >> bono recovering from a nasty spill in new york's central park. the u2 front man injured his arm after falling off his bicycle. in fact, he's going to have to have surgery. >> that's right. bono broke his bone-o. (laughter) it's a dangerous city, folks.
they say giuliani cleaned it up, but new yorkers still live with the looming threat of the ground. (laughter) that's why they're called "the mean streets." and this accident caps off a week that was already no bueno for bono. >> there's word that bono from u2 lost his luggage. >> his private learjet losing the rear cargo door 8,000 feet above the ground, luggage flying out. >> investigators say the door and several pieces of luggage landed somewhere on the outskirts of germany's capital. >> that's right. bono's bags fell out of his private plane. and after three days of intense searching, bono... "still hasn't found what he's looking for." (cheers and applause) naturally, this incident set off a wild frenzy of speculation
that can only be described as the "today show." (laughter) >> can you imagine finding bono's luggage? >> how exciting. dressing like a rock star. you're plowing the fields, next thing you know, bono's luggage falls from the sky. >> stephen: yeah, i mean, can you imagine what it's like to be minding your own business and, suddenly, a bunch of bono's stuff drops into your life? (laughter) only if you bought the new iphone. (cheers and applause) or if you're me, because through my connections at the german embassy, i have acquired bono's luggage! (cheers and applause) it's very complicated. folks, folks, this is what we call an exclusive. 'cause everyone's seen u2 performing on television, but nobody's seen me rifling through bono's undies.
(cheering) or i should say, paul david hewson's undies. you know how i knew that was his name? it's on his undies. (laughter) what else we got in here? towels. he stole a lot of hotel towels. a post-it note reminding him of the non-edge band member's names. (laughter) and a handwritten list of historical tragedies that would make good songs. (laughter) i also have the edge's duffle bag. let's see... knit cap, knit cap -- (laughter) it's all knit caps. (cheers and applause) anyway, guys, i'd mail these
bags to you, but i know you live where the streets have no name. (singing) (cheers and applause) the thundering herd tonight. (laughter) 'course, me having that luggage is a major scoop because, right now, we're in the thick of what we in the tv biz call "sweeps," when broadcasters pull out all the stops to boost ratings. over the past years, they've tried everything from adorable animals to on-air colonoscopies, to lesbian kisses, to neil cavuto's topless week.
as a journalist, i believe all that are just cheap publicity stunts, and so do these lesbian puppies. (cheers and applause) (laughter) and having nothing to do with sweeps, they are about to give me a rectal exam. i'm gonna jam a vienna sausage up there and let them dig for polyps. that's tomorrow night. so set your tiv0s. but when it comes to blowing it out for ratings, no one blows harder than "good morning
america." their actual news guy, matt gutman, dedicated much of last week to something every american can relate to -- fighting off bears and sharks. >> back now at 7:42 with the kickoff of gma survival week. we had to spend a day with a 1,300-pound grizzly. i even felt its hot breath on my face. this time i had to jump into the deep end to learn how to fend off sharks with my hands and feet. this morning, we ask what would you do if the plane you were on plunged into the water? >> yes, that is news you can use. now i know what to do if the plane i'm on crashes into shark's infested waters, and the pilot is a grizz! (laughter) and folks, you know i believe bears are godless killing machines. okay? (cheers and applause)
it was these tips i found particularly useful. >> i'm speechless right now. this is a 1,300-pound grizzly bear wrestling with a 200-pound man. >> wrestle! wrestle! >> it's not every day you see a man put his head inside a grizzly's mouth willingly. does it hurt to have your head inside of a bear's mouth? >> not really. okay, kids. g.m.a. says if a bear is attacking you, the best line of defense is to lodge your head in its jaws. after you slap him some 69. (laughter) (cheering) i think we have the state drum line here tonight!
and once the mauling is underway, there are a few things you can do to remain minimally chewed. >> you don't want to surprise them. you want to let them know that you're in the area. if you don't have much time to calculate, do you run? do you stand? >> never run. absolutely never run under any conditions. you would talk in monotones. i'm all right. i'm all right. you're all right. there's nothing wrong here. then slowly back away. >> stephen: yes, very important. talk in monotones. (in soft voice... ) hey, bear, let's talk this out. you're okay. you don't want to eat me. i saw a chubby kid back down the trail. you should eat him. here's some barbecue sauce. (laughter) (applause) folks, these g.m.a. tips are absolutely critical to survive an attack that g.m.a. just as critically admits will never happen. >> experts say you're 250 times more likely to die of a lightning strike than a bear attack. >> that may be.
but there's an easy way to reduce your chances of dying from lightning. since it never strikes twice, make sure to get struck by lightning once. and, folks, it turns out there are a lot of things more dangerous than sharks and bears. for instance, sharks injure about 13 americans a year. while as many as 13,250 are hurt by buckets and pails. (laughter) and the danger could be in your closet. tonight, i launch my own ratings-boosting survival segment. >> epic tales, pail and a hand bucket. >> stephen: tonight, i'm gonna tell you everything you need to know to protect yourself from getting crossed off a bucket's bucket list. let's bring him out. okay, everybody stay calm.
okay. there we are. all right. all right. all right. this here is goliath. he's a 2.5-gallon galvanized male, as you can clearly tell. while buckets are powerful, they can be approached safely, if you observe these tips. first, never surprise the bucket. always let it know you're approaching. hey, big fella. hi! hi! how are ya? yeah, i was thinking about maybe washing the windows! (laughter) never run. under any conditions. the bucket can't follow you. and you will no longer be with the bucket. everybody stay calm. all right. and never speak directly into the bucket. hello! see? you hear that? see? it echoes and your sound guy won't like it. (laughter)
if you follow these steps, there's no reason you can't make friends. watch this. hey, fella! hey, what's going on? hey, wrestle, wrestle. see? we're having fun. i can even put my head in his mouth. hey, hey, no, it's okay! we're having fun. oh, no, the phone rings! aghhghghgh! it's got me! no! goliath! it's me! someone! help me, jay the intern! why didn't g.m.a. warn me?! thank you, jay! oh, jay! oh, jay, the intern! you saved me. what! i, stephen colbert, was saved by... a bear?
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(cheers and applause) you are bernie sanders from vermont, the longest serving independent in congress. >> and proud of it! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: the first self-described socialist to be elected to the senate. (cheers and applause) first of all, as a 73-year-old man, how does it feel sob the junior senator? the first shake your fist at pat lahey? >> no, he and i are pretty good friends. >> stephen: but compared to you, he is, like, rush limbaugh. he is so right wing. he's a democrat. you're a socialist! that's the boogieman of washington! do you frighten people when you walk around the capitol? are they afraid you're going to take their tractor and give it to the whole village? >> hopefully, we frighten the billionaire class.
(cheers and applause) hopefully, we frighten the insurance companies (cheers and applause) because we are the only major country on earth that doesn't have a healthcare system guaranteeing healthcare to all people. >> stephen: but it's the greatest healthcare system in the world. >> please... >> stephen: tits greatest healthcare system in the world. >> you are right -- if you have a lot of money, it is an excellent healthcare system. >> stephen: i have a lot of money. (laughter) >> well, for many other folks, for the 40 million who have no health insurance, it ain't such a good system. >> stephen: i thought obamacare was going to fix that, sir, or did you sell us a bill of goods? >> obama provided health insurance for about 10 million more americans but we remain the only country on earth that doesn't guarantee healthcare to all our people and we have to change that. healthcare should be a right (cheers and applause)
>> stephen: i agree with you halfway. i agree with you halfway. we are the only major country on earth -- period. (laughter) everybody else is just a place that would like to be america. >> i'm not so sure. >> stephen: okay. let's talk about what's happening in american politics right now. a couple of weeks ago, you liberal types got your asses handed to you by the republicans. okay, democrats got slaughtered. socialists actually did better. you guys didn't lose any seats. (laughter) how bad is it for the democrats if the socialists did better than the democrats? don't you think that's a rejection? a retide swept across the nation. we have rejected liberal philosophy. >> i will tell you, stephen, what i think really happened is about 64% of the american people rejected the two-party system. they rejected washington as it now functions. they rejected a political system and a congress which spends more
time representing the wealthy and the powerful than ordinary americans. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: we'll take a little break. we're going to take a little break and we'll come back. i've got a question about your ambitions, all right? >> all right. >> stephen: stick around, senator bernie sanders. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) ♪ for barney, helping maddy is a labor of love. for a love this strong there's new iams naturals, with no corn or chicken by-product meal, grain-free, and costs up to 25% less. iams naturals. just one of many iams formulas to keep love strong.
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>> stephen: welcome back. we're here with senator bernie sanders. you're a guy who's a rabble rouser, you whip people up. (laughter) that may play in vermont, but there is talk you may be throwing your hat into the presidential ring. (cheers and applause) sir, i only have 15 more shows, if you want the colbert bump. (laughter) are you ready to declare tonight
in front of these good people -- (cheers and applause) i can't control them! they love you because you're on my show. (laughter) would you like to make some news? >> the news is i am thinking about running for president. >> stephen: you have a campaign manager. is he doing nothing? is that just socialist handouts? (laughter) >> we haven't put anybody on the campaign staff yet. what we have to ascertain is whether or not in this country this is the appetite and the willingness to put together a strong grassroots movement to take on the billionaire class. (cheers and applause) that's a very difficult undertaking, and when you're running against people who have unlimited sums of money, the question is how you raise the
$20 and $40 contributions the money you need to run a serious campaign. those are the issues we're looking at. >> stephen: okay. you believe the government can... achieve things? (laughter) a controversial stance. >> yes. >> stephen: can you name a country where that's worked out? >> i think one of the sad things about american politics, we don't know a whole lot about what's going on in a number of other countries. in denmark, for example, you have a very good healthcare system which provides quality care for all its people without out-of-pocket expense, at a time when our young people by the millions are having a hard time affording to go to college, are graduating deeply in debt, in denmark, college and graduate school is without any out-of-pocket expense. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i do want to point one thing out to you, senator, is that denmark has 5.5 million
people, and i have more than that on my twitter feed. so i'm going to tweet something here tonight. hold on. suck it, denmark. (laughter) all right. folks, retweet that. if i get more tweets than there are people in denmark, you have to move there. (laughter) (applause) senator, thank you so much for joining me! senator bernie sanders -- maybe for president! we'll be right back! (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) ♪ ♪ they say back in the day... professional athletes didn't play for the money. nor did they play for fame. they played for the love of the game.
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i'm gonna be the perfect mom. herman? just like in the movies. i'll be the one person my daughter can always trust. making memories that last a lifetime. i should totally start a blog. life can surprise you. so can an allstate agent. with accident forgiveness they can make sure your rates don't go up after one. because everyone has an off day. the good hands are doing more than ever before. >> stephen: that's it for "the report," everybody! good captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org
>> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: wohl come to the daily show, my name is jon stewart. my guest tonight, laura poitras, she is the direct heer of citizenfour, a tremendous documentary about edward snowden and the nsa case. first, first, illegal immigration. years of inconsistent policy enforcement. the fact that everybody want to get with us. (laughter) i think they're ready for the jelly. they have left us with roughly 11 million illegal aliens with only one showing any interest in going home. (laughter)
and, red rum. different. different finger, different finger. i'll never forget how on february 14th, 2013, i logged on to google hangout to-- i'll never forget this. to find out if our president would address the issue without congress. >> what i would like to know is what you are going to do now until the time immigration reform is passed to insurance that more people are not being deported. >> my job is to execute laws that are passed. and congress right now has not changed what i consider to be a broken immigration system. i'm the president of the united states. i'm not the emperor of the united states. >> jon: ah! true, that is true! i mean let's be frank. really the emperor of the united states would be