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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  March 17, 2015 6:26pm-7:01pm PDT

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york this is the daily show with jon stewart. (cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome to the daily show, my name is jon stewart. my guess journalist andrew cockburn will be joining us but first gay marriage oh it's happening, baby marriage equality spreading across america and against all reasonable predictions. the country has not been destroyed by a divine wrated -induced quake-nado. (laughter) time for everyone to breathe a sigh of relief. >> three dozen states have moved to legalized same-sex marriage but in some quarters a backlash is under way. >> jon: ah backlash. because while most of us see a map like this we think to ourselves oh good millions of americans will to longer be denied equality. there is a vocal pine or the without seek this. >> the most optimistic
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projection for the spread of the virus is this. 24 hours 36 hours, 48 hours. (laughter) >> jon: that of course from the hit thriller coming outbreak. but as you know not all states will accept decency-- the discover of the meth lab of democracy, don't mess with sexy threatened with a veritable flood of gay paerj some legislators are rushing to stick their fingers in the-- don't tell me. >> the georgea stat has given decisive approval to the controversial religious from dom bill. >> the bill supporters say is about protecting christians from being discriminated against for their religious beliefs. >> similar bills have been introduced this year in more than a dozen states. >> jon: actually 18 states have passed or proposed religious freedom laws. to protect the real victims of discrimination.
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christian-- who gladly do business-- florist without do business with divorced fon mother an fearing taken the lord in the name all dulters about whose dam nation only hinges on the gay marriage butte near business. but you know religious freedom exceptions still presume gay rights should be protected. come on backlash. >> in arkansas it's legal for a company to fire a person based on their sexual orientation. over recent months two arkansas cities paid a push to protect their lgbt communities cities and counties in arkansas will no longer have the option to pass such legislation due to the interstate commerce improvement act. >> jon: the interstate commerce improvement act. i think i know how that happened. hey, you think people are going to have a problem with this new it's okay to still discriminate against gay people ago. why risk it let's make a
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name in our big book of bull [bleep] names you can call laws. here's one. good patriots for godly freedom ago. we used that to po -- to pollute rivers okay let's go with the interstate commerce improvement act. [bleep] here's the thing even some of arkansas biggest interstate commerce doesn't think it's an improvement. >> the state's largest employer has come out against this new law a wal-mart spokesperson said that the law runs against its beliefs and sends the wrong message about arkansas. >> jon: (laughter) >> jon: that you might be on the wrong side of history. when even the company that had to be convinced not to lock up their mexicans in their stores overnight thinks you're out there. and what about arkansas's conjoined twin oklahoma?
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what's their reaction to the court striking down their gay marriage ban. >> we begin tonight with a proposed billed to abolish marriage licenses. >> jon: if we can't have marriage all to our headeroes then no one can have it, no one! we're taking marriage out with us. i guess now that without marriage licenses everyone in oklahoma's just living in sin? >> the oklahoma house approved a marriage reform bill that would change the way you can get a marriage licence. the bill replaces a state issued marriage licence with a clergy issued marriage sarin stead. >> jon: so oklahoma wants to replace a civil institution with a religious one which -- sharia law. (laughter) how far are we going to go with this? and if a man raises his foam hand to support al-obama
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let that hand be chopped off. you know oklahoma if you are trying to send a message wouldn't it be easier to change your state's name. there you go. so-- a little reading joke. (laughter) arkansas and oklahoma with solid denial of rights to gay people. but when it comes to erecting roadblocks between citizens an their federally guaranteed rights nobody nobody has been at it longer than texas. something they recently had an actual celebration for. >> it was faith and family day at the state capitol. conservative leaders celebrated with wedding cake. it symbolized the ten-ier anniversary of the state's same-sex marriage ban. >> jon: oh ah. this is the best hate cake i ever had. hmmmm. (applause) oh it's so good.
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tastes like moldy bibles and the tears of the decent. (laughter) and they're not just resting on their laurels in texas baby, they're coming up with bold new ways to be heartless. >> republican representative tony tinderholt filed a complaint against state district judge david wahlberg yesterday. last weak he ordered the travis county clerk to issue a marriage licence to a lesbian couple for health reasons because one of them has o vaf-- ovarian cancer. >> jon: let that one swish around in the mouth a little bit. this mother [bleep] blocked someone with ovarian cancer from getting parried. hey, i'm tony tender held from the kill a wish foundation. how are you doing. can we lurie up, block this ovarian cancer marriage i have a kid with leukemia i have to keep from seeing taylor swift. >> when we have judges operating outside of the law for their personal reasons when they have ideas on what they think is right and wrong.
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>> jon: can't have judges judging right and wrong. who are they to judge? these judges. getting all judgey. judge. to be fair who would know more about what is right and wrong in marriage than a man currently on his fifth one. (laughter) the crowd here is very disappointed in you. stop the woman with ovarian cancer from getting parried. okay. married fiv times. what? how dare he! although even quad ro-divorcee blocked the juddishly ored marriage he's only the second craziest thing to come out of the texas legislator. >> one text as lawmaker filed a bill that would make it illegal for anyone 13 or old tore use a rest room if the sign on that rest room does not match their chromosomes. >> jon: texas lawmakers
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debbie riddle riddle me this you want people educated with texas biology sex books to correctly identify their chromosome match? hmmmm. the bill's sponsor-- (cheers and applause) >> jon: lady, the bill's sponsor texas republican debbie riddle went on facebook to announce her commitment to second amendment rights limited government and protecting women an children from going into a lady's dressing really and finding a man who feels like he is a woman that day. oh [bleep] off. you know i guess nothing says limited government like micromanaging transgender bathroom use. for more on these developments we did to jessica williams in the state capitol. how are you doing? >> hi, i'm good. (cheers and applause) >> jon: what's up? >> you know what jon i got news for debbie riddle. i seen you girl you're all oh no, it's transgener people use the bathroom the sacred place where we pee
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and poop will be ruined not to mention the children. the children, where will they poopie. >> stephen: i will guarantee you something, jon that lady has used the bathroom. >> you don't know that. how do you know that. >> we all do. i'm sure she has been to a concert. >> jon: this is debbiest riddle. >> i'm sure she has protested at a concert. and the lady porta pottie line was too long. so grab your magic cone and hit the xy bathroom. >> jon: i'm sorry. >> a magic cone, you don't leave home without it you just cup you spray and then you walk away. jon, if this law passes i an millions of other women will be stuck choosing between a criminal record and a utai. >> jon: that seems just what is that like a funnel. >> how dare you jon. it's a magic cone. and you know what i don't have time to man-splain to you right now, i have to put this to work. see you later. >> jon: jessicaa ♪ stick it to temptation
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(cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome back. as many of you know earlier this month this very month it was a bill of an incident involving a -- >> allegations of a car crash at the white house. >> two agents crashed into the white house. >> out of control stunning new details. >> after a party. >> ran into a barricade. >> while their government -- >> wasted driving running into things. >> a drunken crash really.
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>> jon: the white house under siege by jealous killer car. this story puts the focus on two major institutions. secret service and -- turns out-- (laughter) cuz of all that rig ma role here's what actually happened wnsd two senior agents allegedly drove a government vehicle into a white house barricade last week after a night of drinking. >> they are moving-- pretty glacial y'all pace in this car, they are going pretty slow. they push and nudge a temporary barrels with their car. >> there was no crash no damage to the vehicle. >> jon: how could there be no crash and no damage did you hear earlier did you hear that something damage beat. >> two agents crashed into the white house allegedly driving drunk. lev laugh. >> jon: drunk driving is inexcusable but it's not like these guys literally crashed into the white house. even the animated
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simulations of the accident make it appear less dangerous-- (laughter) >> jon: then when a perfectly good driver is just trying to get his kids to school on time. so they don't get hit with another late slip there has to be a parent's meeting with the vice principal. i'm told. so how come when the news reported and this it sounded more like this? >> i'm crashing the gate. (laughter) >> jon: i know it's confusing because both white house down and now have black presidents but that was a movie. two different people. as for the secret service really just the latest in a string of problems including the recent white house fence jumper agent passing out drunk in a dutch hotel
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hallway, the prostitution scandal and the-- where agents broke the-- rawl replacing-- before hos. and of course theres with that time when they misplaced all the sunglasses and had to wear the googley eyes. clearly both of thieves,s feed an intervention secret service, does media secret service stop drinking so [bleep] much. you're better than that be the great agency you once were. now to the news media. what are you [bleep] drunk? i wish you were drunk. it would explain all of this. all your hyperbole an everything else, because i could just imagine the news media in the back all drunk going hey, [bleep] there was a crash at the white house some dude doing 80 let's go and now we're all [bleep] give piers is morgan a show why not. we'll be right back.
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[ blows ] [ woman shrieks ] ♪ ♪ >> jon: welcome back, my guest tonight he is the washington editor of harper's magazine, also an author. his new book is called kill chain, the rise of the high-tech assassins please welcome to the program andrew cockburn. (applause) thank you for joining us. >> thank you. >> jon: tell us, tell us what is kill chain? what is the kill chain? >> that's all the things you have to go through, or the military goes through, their term, they use it all the time. from when you decide you're going to kill someone or commit some act of destruction and you have to get the play on station you go through all the procedures and then finally three, four two one and you blow them away. >> jon: if you get the okay. and you say there were certain rules that are different like if they
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thought 30 civilians might die or if they thought i guess the old rule --. >> up to 29 you were cool. you didn't have to ask anyone. >> jon: you don't have to ask anybody up to 29 civilians. >> that's fine. 30 you have to ask permission. the iraq war the invasion of iraq was done ald rumsfeld but in no cases that we know of did he say no. it was really kind of pro forma. >> jon: he seems so thoughtful. >> cerebral fellee. >> jon: yes, you would think that he would say i don't know. okay. yeah. trace it back to the rise of this sort of idea of drone technology to vietnam it's another success, in the vietnam era. >> really, yeah the remote themselves automated warfare. and they had this brilliant idea that the problem was the enemy kept being reinforced on the ho chin minute trail some they thought we'll put electronic sensors, thousands of them
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across the jungle because hear people, sense their movement, smell their urine. and these will all be sending back radio signals to a giant computer in thailand which will then direct planes and drones to go and blow them away. >> jon: there was one just very minor very minor flaw to this great plan or two really but what were those? >> well the biggest flaw really, was the enemy noticed what was going on. it's you know it's just one of those accidents that happens. so they, for instance the urine the smell of ammonia they said gosh they're going to look for when we take a piss so they're going to zero in be us. so they were hanging buck eds of urine way out in the jungle hundreds of miles away thus distracting the sensors and bombers and all that. and there was more of that. so the whole things with a complete bust. >> jon: yes. and ultimately didn't even end up using the ho chi minute trail. they used to use a water
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route. >> or anything else t really fell apart after a few years when suddenly the north vietnamese launched a huge offensive in south vietnam with thousands of tanks and trucks and armoured vehicles which the phamis electronic fence as they called it had given no indication was coming at all. so how did that happen? it was completely futile. so finally the final sort of last chapter someone brought back a tape from the giant enterprise brought it back to the state, a commemorative tape and they used to play it at pentagon parties for years afterwards which was the sound the unmistakable sound of someone taking a long and leisurely piss on a sensor. (laughter) >> jon: now you would have thought that that what somewhat discourage this idea, and i'm wondering and i wonder what you think of this. if it is a cynical pursuit a sort of a feeding of the military industrial complex
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or is it is there an innocence to this, a sort of naive feeling that we can through technological advancement create a riskless war, that is precise, that is never harms civilians and we are never in harm away. >> exactly. i mean the dream was the political leaders got sold on and the military leaders too, i think they sincerely believe in or what they are looking for is certainty. the idea that it will be possibleable thanks to the wonders of computer processing and all of that that you can see everything you can know everything and therefore you can sort of make it all predictable. you know we know absolutely who the kingpin on the other side is. we can find him. we know he is in charge of everything. and we can hit him and get rid of him and then life will be easy. and you know, that would be nice. >> jon: and you show though example after example they kill the head of an
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organization and it turns out the guy right behind him the vice head turns out to be much meaner and younger and worse than that guy. >> it always happens it's odd. it always happens it's not just, we can think of examples and pluck them out of the air. special military intelligence unit in military headquarters in being dad in 2007 that did a study that brilliant analyst he said i wonder if this really works. so he took a list of 200 people they killed local insurgent leaders. and then he looked to see what happened in their area of operation. okay. you know. >> jon: after the kill after the drone strike. >> yeah, he killed on a monday, what is happening on wednesday. it turns out by wednesday attacks on americans are up ho%. so many americans died extra more americans it turned out died as a result of this what they call the high value target strategy. >> jon: right. they figured the if you guy was in there i have to
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prove my bones. >> he is younger often a relative wants to avenge uncle ak method and needs to prove himself. and turns out that is what happened. >> jon: stick around for two seconds and then we will explain where we think this is going. because it seems to be in the air with remote control. kill chain it's on the book shelves now. we'll talk a little bit more. ♪
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>> that's all right now. but on monday we check in with our good friend larry wilmore, larry what are you cooking up for tonight. >> hey jon i was working on my march madness bracket. just trying to make that big money. >> jon: my too, who do you like. >> larry: i've got kentucky winning the whole thing swrz yeah, yeah yeah kentucky absolutely. although who for the semies what are you thinking? >> larry: wisconsin duke and villa nova. >> jon: nova, yes yes yes. >> larry: wait, wait wait. >> jon: yes. >> are you just copying my bracket. >> jon: no, we're in the same pool, in the same competition, wouldn't it be
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fun if we won together. that would be fun. >> larry: no, no, no. i want to take your money okay. physically loo your money. >> jon: then fine i'm not going to tell help you by telling people that your show starts right now. >> larry: you just did ha ha ha. >> jon: son of a b tch wilmore. here is your moment of zone. >> the whole world is on fire. >> the world's on fire. >> the world is on fire. yes. your world is on fire captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh (piano playing "as time goes by") (orchestra joins in, music swells)
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(song concludes with a flourish) (flames roaring whooshing) ♪ ♪ (can pops open, liquid pours) (can clatters to floor) (slow, dramatic music plays) (bell tolls) (raspy laughter) (continues laughing) you got spunk, wolfhouse, i'll give you that-- but i don't know if i got room in my pocket for any more of your money. i got a little spunk for ya. (laughing) (continues lau


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