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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  May 4, 2015 9:33am-10:06am PDT

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ye! "the nightly show" is now in session. let's do this! ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> larry: welcome to "the nightly show." thank you very much. welcome. so nice to have you-- >> larry! larry! larry! larry! larry! >> larry: thank you very much. i amular,ular,ular,ular larry. now,ob, we've been covering the freddie gray case this whole week, so last night after the show i decided that, you know we should talk to some actual protesters. so i hopped on a train to baltimore-- this is true-- and of course, as soon as i did this happened. >> in new york city,
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demonstrators clashed with police. >> more than 100 people were arrested during the protests in manhattan. >> larry: come on, guys! i just left town to go to some protesting. ( laughter ) it's almost like you weren't even thinking about "the nightly show with larry wilmore" at all when you made your "let's start a protest in larry's 'hood" plan. know my scheduled, all right. man. the thing that fascinated me the most was this gang truce. i don't know if you guys heard about it but everybody was talking about it. >> rival gangs it's bloods, crips, and black guerilla gangs-- calling a truce for the first time in history. history. >> larry: you know the cops are running wild when gang leaders start sounding like noam chomsky by comparison. bad, man. so anyway, last night i headed down to baltimore and i sat
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down in a diner with some rival gang members who called a truce and we ate little pie. take a look. i'm here with some of the brothers who are here in baltimore here doing all the uprising the unrest. have you guys eaten you have looked at the menu? >> i already know what i want. >> larry: can we have a waitress in here. who brought you guys together? >> i have known this brother a long time. known this brother a long time gr how long you have known him. >> like four years. >> four years. >> larry: in dpaing time, that's like an years right. so are you guys in the same organization or different organizations. >> no, the same organization. >> larry: same organization. you're the same. you're the same. you're not in the organization. >> i'm cool with everybody. >> larry: he's cool with everybody. >> he's cool with everybody. >> larry: so you guys guys have called a truce-- wait, is it a truce or a treaty? it didn't have to be ratified by congress or anything. >> >> no,.
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>> larry: because john boehner is an. >> we didn't have a truce or treaty. we had respected men as men and we did it just like that. >> i was walking walking and we was all in a pack. and one them stepped in my shoe. >> larry: three days from now things might be back to normal and you can hit him in his mouth again. >> no he's good. >> larry: that's good. the truth is good. it's forever now right? is that stha what we're saying? >> as far as us. we can't speak for whole country but as far as baltimore, what we're doing this is what we're doing. we start with us. >> larry: where do you guys think the anger in the community comes from? where to you think that comes from? >> now you see this corner on the menu. this is a corner. this is a person. thisthis is you. it's only so far back into this corner you can push me before i have to push back. that's what happens whapped. they pushed back. >> larry: that's what a lot of america can't relate to right now. they can't understand that.
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>> of course. you live in a million-dollar house. you can't understand what we're going through. same, as man i have to pay my property tax. i can't relate to that. i never paid property tax before. >> larry: i'll tell you about the anger of the property tax. so let's say this is my million-dollar house, okay. ( laughter ) and the property tax is pushing me into this corner. that's when i get angry. ( laughter ) that's when i burst. a lot of people can't relate to that. >> you call a lawyer and you push back. exactly. >> larry: and then it's a vicious cycle. have you guys ever stopped somebody from doing something like physically stopped somebody from throwing something? did you? >> yeah. >> the people that came up on the avenue, weren't from there. >> larry: so there were people who aren't even from around there that were demonstrating. >> it was also people -- >> how old were they? >> high school, like middle school. >> they started-- >> i saw jon stewart out there. >> larry: you saw jon stewart
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out there. >> i'm standing in front of the school me and a couple of homeez. >> larry: a couple of homeyies standing in front of the store. >> jon stewart is right behind us. >> gl jon stewart is not here. trust me. trust me on that. he is nowhere to be found. >> the police pull up in a tank. >> larry: he was in a tank like one of those big humvees. >> they come out with their assault rifles. and i was like, "man, this is 'call of duti'." >> larry: they jumped out. they did, they point their guns and all that and i got hit with a concussion grenade. >> larry: wait, that happened this past week? you got hit with a concussion grenade? >> two days ago. >> right in the ribs. >> we were making sure-- >> we ran through the alley, to the projects, made sureern else was okay and went right back to our post and linked arms and made sure nobody got in that store. >> larry: wow. >> they set one police car on
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fire and we stopped them from setting the other car on fire. >> larry: would you guys ever meet with the police? >> yeah. >> larry: you talked to them? >> every day, we walk right past them. we asked, "are you good? do you need water?" >> larry: what was your reaction. >> they did bring us food. >> larry: they brought you food? >> i couldn't-- i couldn't eat the sandwiches because they had pork. >> larry: i could do a pig joke. what's the most surprising thing that came out of all of this? >> all the people coming together. it's the one time-- it was beautiful. >> larry: do you guys have hope? >>, of course,. >> of course,. >> what else do we got? >> larry: you have hope sean? >> that's the only thing you have to have if you want to progress. >> larry: i think we have-- i think we have pie coming right now. sean doesn't like pork, so make sure sean doesn't get the pork. you guys have really been great. i really appreciate you having this conversation with me.
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is there any other thing you would like to say either to america, to people watching this program? >>iment everybody to keep their hope and stay peaceful. i mean, when-- when they hear the police verdict fridays don't give up because that's not the last of the investigation. it's a lot more investigations after that. ( applause ) keep the hope. >> larry: are we splitting this six ways? i just want to know how we're going. >>. >> larry: you don't have like, a corporate credit card that you use? ( applause ). >> larry: we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ music plays love you by the free design ♪ ♪ attendant: welcome back. man: thank you. it's not home. but with every well considered detail . . . it becomes
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( cheers and applause ) >> larry: welcome back! man. very exciting week this week. the supreme court got together to hear arguments about legalizing gay marriage. ( cheers and applause ). >> larry: yes! yes yes, yes! i mean, it's about time. seriously, this is an issue we have been debating for a long time. okay, so exactly how are the justices going to frame this debate? >> if states are allowed to make their own decision and some states have banned it, some states have approved it-- do all states then have to recognize it? >> larry: and if a state doesn't recognize it do we have to recognize that state? ( laughterstate?laugh ( applause ). ( cheers ) >> larry:be texas.please be texas. the case the scream is discussing is called "obergefell
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v. hodges," fun fact obergefell is a german word which means "can i live my damn life." it's true. it's one of those compound words. so i wonder what obscure legal statutes they were grappling with for their rhetorical legal arguments. >> a lot of the justices were worried about whether it was proper for the supreme court to decide this. >> larry: proper? i don't know if "proper" is the right word. you're figuring out if gay people deserve equal treatment under the law, not if it's okay to take the last mini-muffin report from break room. ( laughter ) is that proper? is it proper? is it proper? ( laughter ) all right, so how are the most brilliant legal minds of our time arguing their point? there must be a lot of legal mumbo jumbo. >> justice kennedy did say if sue loves joe and tom loves joe, sue can mary jo but tom can't. how is that not straightforward sexual discrimination?
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>> larry: it is straightforward sexual discrimination. ( cheers and applause ) this seems like a no-prairn to me. seriously, does anybody have any real sound arguments based in fact and logic against same-sex marriage? i mean, what's the worst that could happen with gay people getting married, too much happiness in the world? >> 100 conservative lawyers and academics recently filed a supreme court brief arguing federal recognition of same-sex marriage will directly cause 900,000 abortions over the next 30 years. ( laughter ). >> larry: whaaat? whaaat? ( cheers and applause ) here's the problem, when people who don't believe in science try to do math. ( laughter ) ( applause ) since when do same-sex marriage
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rates have anything to do with straight marriage rates because if i can blame my divorce on gay marriage, i will gladly. ( laughter ) i'll do it. and 900,000 abortions! how do you even come up with a number like that? you know what? i'm going to take out my conservative calculator. ( laughter ) no, no, no. always helps me, you know, when i want to make no logical sense. all right. okay. no no it's good. first, we multiply "m" and "m," and we add that to "w" times "w" for same-sex marriage rates. okay, we divide that by "m" times "w." that's straight marriage rates. okay. now we take the derivative, "t" plus "m," turtle man marriage rate and raise that to the power of a-ciewbd-- abortion, abortion abortion. so far we've got-- oh, legitimate rape. okay. ( laughter )
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( applause ) right here. that checks out. wait, let me continue. now we integrate sigma. or frat boy-level-intelligence. with the infinite limit of "t," or time republicans will hold a grudge against the supreme court for "roe v. wade." all right and we got it. right. there it is, okay! ( cheers and applause ) all right. it makes sense. gay marriage will cause 900,000 abortions you guys over the next 30 years. it totally checks out. way to go conservative academics. i love this ( bleep ) calculator man. it's awesome. it makes all conservative math make sense. let me try another one. climate change. ( laughter ) that which could out. wait, i want to try another one. income inequality.
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it keeps making sense! ( laughter ) ( applause ) oh my god! this is amazing! ( cheers and applause ) i'm telling you, as long as you live in your own world with your own math, all of this adds up, you guys. ( laughter ) so let's just hope that at least five out of the nine supreme court justices aren't using this calculator. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) doug, we have the results, but first, we have a very special guest. come on out, flo! [house band playing] you have anything to say to flo? nah, i'll just let the results do the talking. [crowd booing] well, he can do that. we show our progressive direct rate and the rates of our competitors even if progressive isn't the lowest. it looks like progressive is not the lowest! ohhhh! when we return we'll find out whether doug is the father. wait, what?
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( cheers and applause ). >> larry: yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! welcome back. comedian actor and author of "when the ball drops," brad garrett. yeah, i love that. host of the 5 on fox news and author of "and the good news is...," dana perino. ( cheers and applause ) and our good friend and comedian the one and only, mr.ed withmr. lewis black. we're going to do something special. we're going to do our "bag o' grab." and we have like unusual objects in here. and when you pick up the object it kind of tells us what our topic is and we hit that topic and, boom pick another one. dana why don't you pick first. >> this has had me nervous all afternoon. >> larry: don't be nervous. it's good to just grab something. >> oh, how interesting! >> larry: that is the scooby
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mystery man, which means we must be talking about hillary clinton. okay, here's my thing with the clintons. i think for some reason the clintons cannot get out of their own way. it's unbelievable to me. i mean, you have the clinton cash thing. you have the e-mail thing. okay, so here's my question. at the end of the day is bill gonna hurt or help hillary? what do we think interest? what's going to happen? >> both. >> larry: you think he's going to throw her number the scooby bus? >> i think he's a benefit and a drawback, and i think that they are counting on him being more of a benefit than a draug back, but there are certainly significant challenges both challenges and opportunities for her with him. >> larry: i think at the tend of the day for all the stuff bill clinton did, people love him. >> you know, the one thing the one thing really, though about him -- >> bill bbill. >> about bill. he's the greatest used car salesman in the history of america.
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>> larry: yes, unbelievable. ( laughter ). >> and he may not make you want to buy the car but he's certainly going to make you think about buying it. >> larry: it's true. >> or at least maybe getting in the backseat of the car. ( laughter ) >> larry: i would agree with that. all right brad, it's your turn. "bag o' grab," take it out. what have you got. >> i don't know what this is. it's a -- >> it's a rainbow piece of caix. >> it's a rainbow cake. >> larry: we have the scotus gay marriage ruling right. so what is this? we have something we wanted to play here, right? >> you look at what's going on in baltimore today and, you know, you see the issues that are raised there, and healthy marriages are the ones between a man and a woman because they can have a healthy family and they can raise children. >> audience: booooo! >> larry: here's-- i just want to throw this out. it is astonishing to me-- i did the thing earlier-- gay marriage
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is blamed for 900,000 abortions. here are things gay marriage has already been blamed for. brad, gay marriage causes 900,000 abortions. are you not listening? what's wrong with you! here are some of the other things-- ( laughter ) these are things that people actually blame the gay marriage on. these are-- hurricane sandy. blamed on gay marriage. northridge earthquake. >> absolutely. >> larry: that was a big earthquake, too. >> big one. >> larry: mass animal deaths. ( laughter ) and september 11 was also blamed on gay marriage. okay, what else is gay marriage responsible for, brad? >> my career. i think. my career is-- i couldn't get in thing about. in thinginthe building. >> larry: that's a horrible thing gay marriage is responsible for. >> yeah, terrible, terrible. the breakup of minuto. >> that's terrible, that's
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terrible. >> so there are people that are saying this out there. >> larry: brad, you're not listening. >> i'm not. i'm not. >> because it sounds so absurd. >> larry: lewis, what else is gay marriage responsible for? >> gay marriage will be responsible for a glut of moistureizers on the market. ( laughter ) and-- >> gotta stock up. >> larry: that one i actually do believe. >> it's not entirely about that. >> larry: i blame gay marriage for the lakers playing horribly. ( laughter ) i will just say this-- before gay marriage started happening in big numbers lakers were winning championships. that's all i'm saying. dana, what's your response? >> for all the things you mentioned, people are absurdly claiming that gay marriage caused people have also said global warming is causing, it's almost interchangeable. there are people who say that. the unrest in the middle east, and then you have the drought--
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yes, believe me. isn't that absurd, as some of the gay marriage comments that that congressman just made. >> the astonishing about those comments to me, if you have-- if you're really confident in your choice and your belief that it's between a man and a woman why would gay marriage panic you if you truly believe-- why would it even affect you? you would laugh. ( cheers and applause ) >> larry: i'll tell you, if gay marriage would stop causing mass animal deaths maybe we could have it. until then lewis, we can't have this discussion. lewis pick something out of the "bag o' grab." >> smgz about magicians. >> larry: okay, all right, that's a good one. that is the gang in d.c. we've got the red and the blue, and now it seems pretty easy for the bloods and the crips to come
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together. yet, the democrats and republicans can't. okay. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers ) all right? it's so ridiculous. okay. what do we think is the biggest thing keeping them apart? black president. >> of course,. >> larry: anyone? >> what find astonishing is these people, you know the crips and the blood that they want to kill each other. we're talking death. >> larry: right. >> and they can come together. all that's occurring with the democrats and republicans and the tea party is they're talking ideology, and they're more psychotic about their ideologies than these people are about death. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> larry: we'll be right back and talk more of this. this.
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( cheers and applause ) >> larry: that's all the time we have for tonight. i want to thank our panelists, brad garrett, dana perino and lewis black. i want to thank the guys in baltimore for sitting down with me last night. keep the hope alive down there. good nightly everyone. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh
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[ shopping cart rolling ] [ cart bangs against vehicle ] [ car alarm honking ] [ man narrating ] hi. i'm doug stauber. i'm an assistant manager at donaldson's grocery where customers come first-- even customers who are nuts. - mr. stauber. - can i help you? [ doug narrating ] this guy had some complaint about the cracker teddy grahams,


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