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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  May 7, 2015 10:03am-10:39am PDT

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of zen. >> (speaking spanish) >> tonightly, mika bee enters the presidential race. so evangelical voters have a choice, which is more than he wants to give women. karlie fiorina's running for president. we ask can she beat hillary? here's a hint. no. and time magazine says america is ready for a post-menopausal grandpa president. what a coincidence that's the name of tyler perry's next
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movie. time to fire up the hope and change. this is the nightly show. [cheers and applause] ♪ captioning sponsored by comedy central [cheers and applause] >> thank you, very much. at this. thank you. welcome to the nightly show. >> audience: larry. larry: thank you, appreciate it. very nice of you. i just barely made it. my catering job wept a little late. made it here just in time. we got a great show tonight man. actress and median susie essman is here. [ applause ] >> larry: also joining us is co-host of the view, nicolle wallace. first, this is exciting. very exciting. it's time for a nightly showy
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election update. >> larry: ya. the unblackblackenning, bailey. first up governor mike huck a bee. yesterday was a big day for him. he has waited since 2008. these roll outs are important. every roll is scriptd and scrutinized. they have wait aid long time to deliver this message to america this. moment. let's enjoy. >> a race to the bottom to figure out -- >> the candidacy for presidency on the left. we're going to the rose garden where president obama is making an important announcement. [cheers and applause] >> larry: maybe you can call us when it's time to fill us in. they shut him down mid sentence,
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you guys. normally when someone is cut off that hard they have to stop the whole nascar race. lucky for mike though fox news hearts huckabee and stayed with him through the end of his announcement. we don't have time for the whole announcement. give us the essence. >> common sense tells us the best government is the most local and most limited. >> huh-uh, alright. small government. yes, the essence of conservatism. huck -a- bee laying it down. okay. >> oh, i'm sorry i think i may of interrupted you. finish your thoughts. >> but we have lost our way moral ly we have witnessed the slaughter of 55 million babies in the name of choice. we're now threatening the
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foundation of liberty by criminalizing christianity and denying the biblical principles of marriage. >> larry: i think i got it the government can't tell you how to live your life unless they disagree with how you live your life. okay. got it makes sense. now that is small minded government. okay. you foe, more and more it feels like the government is saying he wants a small government. is like a girlfriend saying she doesn't mind her small penis. it's routine to say. everyone knows they want something much bigger. [laughing] so, it's fine. he looks so sad. alright. someone announces too. who else was it. >> i'm here with karlie fee ore
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eastbound. >> alanna: the former tax ceo. are you running for president? >> yes, i am running for president. >> larry: alright. woo-mon! lady cop breaking up the gop sausage party. karlie use to run hewlett-packard hp. i read business magazine -- bidness magazine, y'all. i do. i do. let me tell you something, it's her bidness that she thinks will give her the edge. >> i understand how the economy works whose in the world and who runs it. >> i can't imagine what her website looks like. i bet it's pimped out. she has flash, right. right, right.
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the java script all over that, right. let's check out karliefee ore are those frowning faces? she should be happy running for president. >> visit and the supporters might be disappoint. the site is backed by her critics. >> she didn't buy her own website what? i don't understand. she's a, what are the frowning faces? >> 30,000 sad faces. each for each employee she fired. >> what's, what's?
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man. guys, i'm sorry i haven't heard numbers that grim since the count got hooked on meth. sorry. it's sad. it happens. don't blame the messenger. one, two, three bags of drugs. one of the saddest days of my life. i don't know if this is a tech business person or a person who was technically in business. not sure. at least the lady republican isn't being attacked for being a woman. that's saved for the lady democrat. >> she's aging, shrill, angry and clearly not inspiring. you want that face staring at you for eight straight years that frightening face? >> you can go [beep] [laughing] >> yourself.
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[laughing] [cheers and applause] >> michael savage you want to talk about a frightening face, look at the mile of bad road between your neck and your hairline. it's not just these pundents making comments about ovaries in the oaf al office. dr. skraouly holland wrote a article about how hillary clinton is the perfect age for running for president. according to her post-menopausal women are ideal candidates for leadership because they're primed to handle stress well. okay. on the one hand i understand she's defending hillary's age saying she's best suited because her hormones have flat lined. got it.
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on the other hand by saying a person at that age is better suited to be president it diss all women under that age. just a little bit. just a little bit. on the third hand why are we talking about hormones at all? why can't she just be a good [beep] leader? why, why? we will be right back. [cheers and applause] grilled sourdough, fresh tomato and crispy bacon bring the flavor... and sriracha-marinated chicken brings the heat. lucky for this guy this swiss cheese doubles as a fire blanket. new sriracha spicy super chick'n. denny's. welcome to america's diner. this is the movie you've all been waiting for... this is your mission. noo...this is an envelope. that's actually... we're all gonna die! ...not a movie. i don't know anything! do you think i'm an idiot?! ahhhhh! but, really, just a commercial... reminding people to eat m&m's.
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doug, we have the results, but first, we have a very special guest. come on out, flo! [house band playing] you have anything to say to flo? nah, i'll just let the results do the talking. [crowd booing] well, he can do that. we show our progressive direct rate and the rates of our competitors even if progressive isn't the lowest. it looks like progressive is not the lowest! ohhhh! when we return we'll find out whether doug is the father. wait, what?
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[cheers and applause] >> larry: welcome back. as you all know hillary clinton has set her sights on 1600 pennsylvania avenue. did you know she opened her campaign headquarters in one of new york's coolest boroughs, brooklyn. otherwise known as crooklyn or as hillary calls it brooklyn. we took to the streets to hear how excited everyone is about the new neighbor. >> hillary clinton has chosen brooklyn for her presidential headquarters. i'm here to help you fit in. it's one of the most diverse places in america. bearded hipsters. bearded jews. black people here, more black people there, if you go further out more black people. everyone has a different way to welcome to you town. let's see what they got.
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>> any fashion or beauty advice for hillary clinton fitting in brooklyn? >> got to go. >> not in brooklyn. >> the earrings have to say yes. look at me. >> just like that. >> yes. >> i want to be president. >> get the jewelry. nails done short. not too long. i think so no. >> do like hillary clinton. >> i love her so much. >> give her a good price. >> free. >> does that mean i get free. i'm her nev aoeufplt. >> i don't know. >> free nails. let's get richer. >> bill clinton's wife coming here to make brooklyn better. >> bill clinton's wife not hillary clinton. she has a name. >> i know. >> how do you make her a brooklynite. you want to be a brooklyn girl? >> brooklyn at. nets hat and then socks for $5.
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all day, bill will like these on her in the middle of the night. >> what would you give her any product that would say, this is brooklyn? >> i don't know get her like a scully or a mask. >> like a ski mass stph-bg. >> ya. >> i'm not setting her up for a rob ry. >> got to come hard in brooklyn, hillary. a nice neck tattoo, baby daddy . or go straight up brooklyn. anything brooklyn? >> county of kings. >> on the belly. >> you have been coming here for how long? >> i am 78. we have not here since i was 15 years old. >> what do you think about hillary clinton moving her presidential headquarters to brooklyn? >> everyone was in their place and good. you know like you guys. you guys -- >> you guys meaning black people. >> ya. >> say it. >> we're accepting black now.
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>> oh, larry. how come you ain't got no brothers on the wall. i think so we're here at coney island outside of nathan's franks. if you want to win brooklyn's respect come down here and down 35 hot dogs in ten minutes. bringing the womens title back to america. do you that we will love you forever, hill raoefrplt. >> we're here at my home. l & john's babar shop. this is the spot. what hair cut do you suggest for hillary? >> jesus christ in the back of the head. there. >> i don't know. christians won't vote for a woman with jesus in the back of her head. >> we are putting together gift baskets. >> i have one a gift certificate for one free shape
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up. >> don't be bringing a bunch of people for extra shape ups this. is one shape up for hillary clinton only. >> please show up, hill ry. >> thank you brooklyn loves you. >> we love thank you. >> [cheers andmike, everybody. we will be right
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>> welcome back. i'm here with my panel. nightly show writer holly walker.
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[cheers and applause] >> median and actress susie essman. [cheers and applause] >> and co-host of the view and author of the new book "madam president," nicole wallace. >> it's a novel. madam president. >> i like the way you say that. >> it's good. this magazine thing. how is this quoted again. dr. julie -- [laughing] >> so, she said biologically speaking post menopausal woman are ideal candidates for leadership. they're primed to handle stress stressful jobs well. there is truth in that? i'm not suggesting anyone is post menopausal. >> i'm proudly post menopausal. >> good. >> here is what i think about that. the statement is not in itself true. the statement would be false if she added premenopausal woman
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are not equipped to be president. saying something like that to me is like saying if we have a male president he has to be a unique or a castrady. that's like saying you can't have a man with a sex drive be president. you can't have a woman who is menmenstruating be president. >> i agree. >> i know you had a guest with the book "when the balls drop." i think time magazine owes it to say where men are in the process. that's a thing. i didn't know that. they ache they drop. >> you know -- this is about his ball sth-z. >> i think -- >> it's in the book. >> okay. >> nicole f they have prostate problems they pee nonstop. >> oh my god. >> how can you stare down
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vladimir if you have to pee. >> exactly. >> seriously. >> very good point. >> if menopausal women are on the table so are ball aches. >> okay. if a man is 35 or 40 he maybe jerking often times a day. that's what guys do. >> maybe. >> then we can only have unix run for president. it's ridiculous. >> isn't castrady like an italian car? i actually think there is some truth to it. i think that post menopausal woman are ideal candidates. i think that premenopausal women are great candidates. i think during menopausal are great candidates. all of the pausals are good candidates. >> all the of the pausals. >> can i -- >> go ahead please. >> here is the thing when i was premenopausal and had a period
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once a month i ran a career i brought up(mildren, i ran a household. i did all of these things plus bleeding every month. how coy do that having my period -- >> a full-time job. >> yes every 28 days i bled but the country goes on. >> oh. >> there has been enough women in the white house. women as national security advisors. listen this is -- this is your topic not ours. >> tell is about the bleeding every it will days. >> larry, i'm bleeding right now. [beep] >> everything is -- [cheers and applause] >> yes you're speaking. >> i'm talking and things are okay. >> we're not victorian woman. >> you know -- >> okay. [laughing] >> oh, arrrgggh! on period can't stop.
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ing ? is wrong! something is wrong! [laughing] >> to me -- it's like we're acting like women are a creature we have never met before. >> exactly. >> a biology we're not familiar w-frpl. >> you know how many people in the raud yens are potentially lieding right now. things are not going -- we're not burning down stuff. we can still talk. >> the whole suggest -- i find it offensive. i do. >> how should hill row handle it? >> she shouldn't pay attention. >> regan reagan handled everything with jokes. when they talked about his age. he slammed mondale.
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the hope and the change. >> they like it. [cheers and applause] >> or how about if holly was the campaign manager. i'm bleeding right now, what are you going to do? >> ignore it. >> ignore it. >> don't give it energy. it's a ridiculous topic. >> the voters will make their own corrections. they have a way to sift through this. the people determine determining the outcome of presidential elections are women. >> they are the largest group of swing voters and independents. that's who the candidates are speaking to in the end, that's who they speak. to they're important. >> yes, they are. i don't understand when other women throw shade on women sometimes. i want to show this ceo clip. i think you talked about this on a morning show. >> i am a strong women. i run my own company like you
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said. but that is not the same as running the best country in the world and being commander in chief and head of state. the president of the united states. to me should be a man. not a female. >> okay. obviously -- >> was she transgender. >> no. don't go down that road sue see. >> just asking. >> obviously she's cray. >> she says -- >> are women womens biggest obstacles? >> they can be. she said in her facebook post if a woman run she would move to canada. >> if a woman ran she would move to canada? >> yes. >> please, hill ry we need you now more than ever. >> those poor canadiens. >> democrats threat tone move to canada. we have to hold anyone this cycle -- >> menstrual cycle. >> yes. >> the canadiens are lovely
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you. right here. you have to come on the show and get them. good nightly, everyone. [cheers and applause] captioning made possible by disney-abc domestic television
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