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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  May 12, 2015 11:31pm-12:02am PDT

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is your moment of zen! >> i have actually answered over 200 on the record questions since monday. >> i have to admit that one of those questions was did i consider a hot dog a sandwich. so we'll subtract that one. what do you all >> larry: tonightly... george zimmerman is reportedly shot in the face during a road rage incident. that totally wouldn't have happened... if he was in jail. conservatives criticize michelle obama because she gave a commencement speech. i'm just kidding. they criticized her because she's black. come on. everybody knows that. and a new study finds that people do not get happier when they have more sex. why am i never called when they do these studies? step away from the remote-- this is "the nightly show!"
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captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) >> larry: thank you very much. welcome to the show. i'm larry wilmore. >> larry! larry! larry! larry! larry! larry! >> larry: ramp it up. thank you very much. thank you. man, we have an incredible show for you tonight, tv's ali wentworth is here. fun fact-- we were both flag girls on "in living color." fun fact. author dan savage and a very special visit from morgan freeman who sits down with soul daddy. ( cheers and applause ) really good show. let's get right to it. man, there is big news in the
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world of wrongfully acquitted unhinged menacing. >> a lot of people still interested in the antics of florida's bad boy, george zimmerman. >> larry: "the antics?" "of florida's bad boy?" the guy murdered an unarmed child. he's not the fonz. ( laughter ) ayyyy. i should be in prison. whoa, whoa. >> this is out of florida. george zimmerman has been shot. >> zimmerman was injured in the face. >> larry: okay, okay. ( cheers ). >> larry: hold on hold on. i know it sounds like george zimmerman got shot in the face, but before anyone gets too excited-- guys guy,s, guys. ( cheers and applause ) confetti cannon. hold your horses. guys! stop it, guys! he didn't get shot in the face. >> george zimmerman was allegedly weaving a gun in traffic and it was at that point that the other man fired. >> larry: he was waving a gun
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in traffic. or as george zimmerman calls it, mondays. am i reet? ( laughter ) ( applause ) and that's when the other guy shot at him. and then apparent-- ♪ ♪ ♪ >> larry: what, what's going on? guys. no, no no, no! guys stop it! stop it! stop it, guys, stop it! what are you doing? >> we heard george zimmerman got shot in the face! >> larry: no. ( cheers and applause ) stop it! don't encourage-- stop it! he didn't get shot in the face. and even if he did, it would be wrong celebrating someone getting shot, especially in the face. come on. george zimmerman! ( cheers and applause ) no no, no. you mack a good point. anyway, he didn't even get shot in the face so shoo, shoo, go on bloodthirsty marching band. get, get! ( applause ) making fun of people's misery.
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all right, so what did actually happen? >> first they thought he got hit in the face with a bullet, but that wasn't it. it was just glass. they took him to a hospital there and he's out. he's okay. >> larry: guys, guys, george zimmerman is doing fine. so sorry to disappoint you. >> larry. >> larry: it's dre dre our director everyone. what's up, dre? >> listen, i heard george zimmerman got shot in the face. ( cheers and applause ) time for a balloon drop? >> larry: no! dre, he wasn't shot in the face. i said that, like, five times. >> yeah, yeah, but look, it's george zimmerman. come on. let me drop at least a couple of balloons? ( cheers and applause ) >> larry: okay fine. drop the balloons. drop the balloons. ( laughter ) ( applause ) saddest balloon drop ever. all right, moving on.
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now, saturday, michelle obama gave a commencement address at tuskegee university. in the speech she talked about her experience with race. >> we both felt the sting of those daily sliets slights throughout our entire lives it's folks who crossed the street in fear of their safety. >> larry: hold on, michelle. has anybody ever crossed the street in fear of barack obama. that guys weighs about 130 pounds, in his mom jeans. "oh! that brother's scary." all right, what else you you got? >> those who have questioned our intelligence. >> larry: when have people ever questioned michelle obama's intelligence? oh, that's right. this morning. here's angela mcglowan a few hours ago on fox news. >> why didn't first lady share the reason she got into princeton? it was probably because of affirmative action. >> larry: whoa, whoa whoa hold on. slow your roll, fox's convenient black friend.
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hold on. no, no, no, you can't slam affirmative action saying it's condescending to black people and then accuse obviously brilliant black people getting in because of affirmative action. let me tell you-- you know what affirmative action is? a coke snorting alcohol guzzling son of a c.i.a. direct lies his way into yale because his daddy was in both places. that's affirmative action. ( cheers and applause ) but you're mad at a black woman who started from the bottom and now she's here? ( laughter ) all right, okay. you got any more black-on-black lady crime happening over at fox? >> an absolute wasted opportunity. instead of telling these individuals these young minds these young people that if i can do it, you can do it, too. >> larry: okay um, just a little tip. just because you say words it doesn't mean that they're true.
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one way of finding out is by watching what she actually said. >> if you stay true to who you are and where you come from, if you have faith in god planned for you then you will keep fulfilling your duty to the people all across this country and you'll be flying through the air, out of this world, free. god bless you graduates. can't wait to see how high you soar. ( cheers and applause ) >> larry: makes me sick! all right, what else you got to make me sick fox? >> i liked your first four guests on it, but now we're going to get the black perspective. >> larry: wait a minute. she's the black perspective? ( laughter ) actually, normally on fox she is the black perspective, so that's why i was surprised when they brought out the actual black
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ladies. all right, angela davis coulter, what are your thoughts on miss baim. >> america does owe plaque america for the slaveries and the democratic policies of jim crow. i think we're making it up now. when you're getting admitted to princeton when you can't read, is that enough yet? >> larry: okay, to be clear ann coulter feels the first lady got into princeton without the ability to read. ( sighs ) all right she's on a news network and she is giving the the plaque perspective so, all right. who am i to argue? ( laughter ). >> america does owe black america for slavery, for the democratic policies of crim crow. the great society programs are what destroyed the black community. >> larry: this habit culture has of blaming racism on the democrats is what i want to address. come oanne we're going to knowledge college, commencement edition. ( cheers and applause ) ( laughter )
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all right, guys. i've got to hold this up. okay, ann coulter-- ( laughter ) ann coulter tries to act as if democrats are the the only ones who were racist in this country. to be sure for the first half of the 20th century some of the violent racist were on the democratic side, they were called dixie-crats. but they switched sides and vote for richard nixon. un what? maybe richard nixon's tapes will give us a clue. ( laughter ) >> larry: says the guy who ordered break-ins of his enemies. how about irish?
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>> larry: this is fun. it's kind of like asking a band to do requests, right? hey mr. nixon what, do you think about the italians? >> larry: another now the biggie. mr. nixon what, about the blacks? >> larry: the bigger point is both republicans and democrats have had a lot of affirmative action when it comes to discriminating against black people. all right. class sis dis missed. and congratulations, graduates! hope you all learn to read. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )
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in our house, we do just about everything online. and our old internet just wasn't cutting it. so i switched us from u-verse to xfinity. they have the fastest, most reliable internet. which is perfect for me, because i think everything should just work. works? works. works! works? works. works. ( cheers and applause ) >> larry: welcome back. i have to tell you guys i love the show morgan freeman has on the science channel, "through the wormhole." it's unbelievable. and wednesday night at 8:00 he's taking on the subject of bigotry so luckily for you he jumped through the time wormhole and told soul daddy all about it. ( laughter ) ( applause ) take a look.
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♪ ♪ ♪ >> larry: all right, we've got the fifth dimension coming out later. it's going to be a stone cold picnic. you know what i'm saying? speaking of dimensions. we've got this cat over here he claims he's from the future. his name is morgan freeman. i know him from the electric company but he says he wants to talk about wormholes. brother, let's do this. what is the wormhole? what does that mean anyway? >> it's an imaginary place in space where if you get to it, you can move almost anywhere in the universe. >> larry: that sounds like white flight. ( laughter ) what would be the drug of choice for someone to take in the wormhole? >> i say acid. ( laughter ). >> i'd say marijuana. it's legal now in places. >> larry: get the ( bleep ) out of here. so this wormhole show, this sounds like it would be a variety show because variety shows are not going away, by the
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way. who you have glenn campbell? >> no. >> larry: charles? charles is a talent. >> physicists and scientists and people like that on our variety show. i'd have trouble answering the questions. >> larry: you have seen her play the guitar? ( laughter ) she has a show saturday morning called "shazam." it's a kid's show. she has a character named isis. she's like a goddess. i would hate for somebody to ruin a name like that. we all have big butts. that's true. >> i don't. >> larry: what happened to your butt? >> life expwhr in the year 2015, have we had, like a negro secretary of state? >> as a matter of fact, we've had a negro woman. >> larry: yeah, we had a soul sister as secretary. >> i'm about to offer you a shock. >> larry: what's that? >> black president.
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>> larry: oh, come on, man. >> a true african american. >> larry: he's probably half black. >> yeah, he is. it's hard to say. they say that most skin under the fur is pink. >> larry: so what does that make him? >> white. >> larry. that's why he's never been shot. thanks for joining us on "soul buddy." best of luck in your career. you seem like a nice young fella. never going to voiceover. tune in every other wednesday for another episode of requested soul daddy." ( applause ) don't worry, we'll send an intern into that wormhole to pull morgan freeman out. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )
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people tell me stories without saying one word. so i listen. then i give it back. what are you chasing? hennessy. never stop. never settle. ( cheers and applause ) >> larry: welcome back. i'm here with my panel, comedian kerry coddett, yeah, kerry there you go. columnist and the host of the "savage lovecast," dan savage and actress and comedian, ali wentworth. ( cheers and applause ) let's jump right in. let's talk about this whole commencement address michelle obama gave. to me, you know, i've seen the way people treat floatus over the years. like nancy reagan, some of that
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astrol gee stuff she brought upon herself. when people made fun of her, it seemed all in fun. barbara bush, maybe the george washington jokes they said she looked like him. but that was about it. everybody liked barbara bush sheemed like a nice lady. when hillary came in, that's when i heard the vial comments. i remember rush limbaugh saying she had fat ankles. it was ridiculous. i think it goes back to when she basically said "i don't need a man." we talk about the racism but there's a lot of sexism. you have laura bush, librarian. but when floatus gets a little bit of an attitude and is like, i'm my own person" i feel like we have some issues. fox. >> i'll speak for all black women-- thank you. i think it's sexism and racism.
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but i think this commencement speech was more racism than sexism and i do-- >> how racist do you think michelle obama was? ( laughter ). >> i think she is so antiwhite, i can't even-- no, i think she's-- i think her commencement speech was-- i thought it was great. eleanor roosevelt went to the same university in 1941 and they called her a communist. that's are the feminism comes. >> larry: once again, lady using her brain. >> which is why i'm a victoria secret model so i don't even have to think about it. i think there are both "isms" at play and when there are too many "isms" i get nervous. they're why do we let these women vote and then why do we let these women speak? >> i loved her speech. they have had the most racist crap thrown at them.
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they can't react because obama can't beab angry black man and scare all the people who are probably scared anyway. i think he should go for it. and michelle can't be the controlling, domineering elask mating black woman and they've had to absorb so much crap. for eight years eye can't wait to read their memoirs. they're going to let loose in their memoirs because they're too smart and too opinionated and i think the reason you're seeing the white freak-out commentary on fox lose their ( bleep ) is because she's coming for them in her memoir. >> she is. >> larry: there's a study out by nou by carnegie mellon that says more sex doesn't make you happier. you have heard this? ist says, in fact more sex makes you less happy. to be clear, these were married couples -- >> order these people to have twice as much sex as they were normally having. they told them-- they went to these couples and figured out how much sex they were having and they had half the couples have twice as much sex as they
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were having but with their -- >> so three times a year instead of one and a half. >> like dry cleaning, sex. i believe-- why are you looking at me like that? >> larry: for guys i don't care what's on the list, it's still happening. >> i think if you have to schedule it or you're forced to do it it's a very different thing. especially if you are forced to do it with somebody are you already married to. chances are i don't like you that much. why didn't they let them have sex with somebody else and see how happy they are. there's a marriage that's going on last. how about that. >> i'm all for that. >> i feel like if i had sex with you i'd be happy? >> you would? yeah, most people are. >> and i'm a happily married woman. >> i bet your husband would love to watch if that happens. ( laughter ) >> we're committed. >> larry: disw does anybody believe it's true. let's assume it was true. what do you think the reason for
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being more unhappy after having a lot of sex? what would be the reason? >> can i quickly answer. >> larry: do you think the possibility it is true? >> i think i'm happier the more sex i have with my husband. however once we get into the double digits, as soon as there's a back of -- >> by double digit, you mean a number. >> a number. >> what are we doing! >> larry: i'm clearing it up. stop it! ( cheers and applause ) >> if i have to get a bag of frozen peas and put it on my crotch i'm not happy anymore. but up to there, i'm good. >> that's my dream, a frozen pea bag on my crotch. >> i think it depends how i feel about you at the time. when i like my man and he's not getting on my nerves and we're having sex, i'm skipping down the street. i'm giving up my seat to elderly people on the bus. i'm happy. when i don't like you, i'm like
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you i have to have you in my face and in my ( bleep )? no. >> larry: i don't think you'd be obligated. >> by the way, that's a good t-shirt for you. ( laughter ) >> larry: i gotta have this and ( bleep )? let me ask you guys one question. you can either have unlimited sex, which is guaranteed to make you constantly unhappy, and the more you have sex the more unhappy you are going to get, or cell bait, and you'll be the happiest person in the world. >> oh mom! ( laughter ). >> larry: which one? >> sex. >> larry: sex and unhappy? >> oh no, i'll be celibate. fine, i'll make cheesecakes with the monk displz which one? >> i'll be cell bait because who wants to be ( bleep ) and fed up? another t-shirt. >> it's really hard for me to wrap my head around that.
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sex makes me very far happy. >> larry: you would still probably find a way to have sex. trust me. we'll be right back. this is smith & forge hard cider. it's like cecil here. strong. sturdy. but not too sweet. [ male announcer ] built from apples. built to refresh. smith & forge hard cider. made strong. our pizza hut big flavor dipper pizza is almost two-feet of pizza. whoa. you're gonna need a bigger car. get the new big flavor dipper pizza with four flavorful sauces and a free pepsi 2-liter with online orders. just $12.99. only at pizza hut. lewis... and clark? brian do you think it was power goop that helped us trek through nearly 8,000 miles of uncharted wilderness? no? take this. it has protein you'll need for your journey. p3 from oscar mayer. it's 13 grams of protein from the original source. right now, verizon is offering unlimited talk.
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in our house, we do just about everything online. and our old internet just wasn't cutting it. so i switched us from u-verse to xfinity. they have the fastest, most reliable internet. which is perfect for me, because i think everything should just work. works? works. works! works? works. works.
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♪ ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> larry: okay. that's all the time we have for tonight. i want to thank our panelists kerry coddett, dan savage, ali wentworth, and our special guest, morgan freeman. ( cheers and applause ) now don't forget to follow us on twitter, like us on facebook and prod us on instagram and keep track of everything we're doing online. in case you're wondering yes we lost to "the daily show" in softball last night. and, no, i don't want to talk about it. i'll get you next time, jon stewart. good nightly
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>> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds, this happened on today. sunday's episode of "game of thrones" broke another record, the piracy record with 2.2 million illegal downloads in just 12 hours. among the orders of devoted fans is none other than snoop dogg, the ruler of house dank, who recently contributed this track to the season 5 "game of thrones" mix tape. listen to this. >> honor thy lord, swing my sword, servant of


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