Skip to main content

tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  May 15, 2015 9:57am-10:31am PDT

9:57 am
>> well, congratulations to captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh >> larry: tonightly jeb bush accidentally says he runs for president which is better than an bush actually becoming president. a college student tells jeb bush that his brother created isis. jeb replies told you he was a job creator. (laughter) >> larry: the fda finally lets gay men donate blood provided they haven't had sex for a area. here that gay nerds the red cross wants you. (laughter) >> larry: lay back and relax this won't hurt a bit. this is the nightly show. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central
9:58 am
>> larry: whooo! i can feel it. welcome to the nightly show. so exciting such a great show, man i'm social sighted. the fightly show say completely g rated show. if any of you have been expecting some [bleep] or any of that kind of [bleep] we don't do that. we don't do that here. (applause) >> larry: not what we do. all i'm saying. (laughter) we have a great-- so excited. the mad men series finale is this sunday and we got pete campbell himself vincent kartheiser son our panel tonight. (cheers and applause) very exciting. you know i'm a big mad men
9:59 am
fan. and i got him to tell me how mad men ends, okay. i got four words for you. don and vince the-- didn't see it coming. did not see it coming. all right. so let's get to it o you know what, it's time for a quick blackfest 2015. the black update. man, we've been so busy getting our rubio on and hitting the cruise control and branding like there's no tomorrow. man we forgot about jeb. it's like forget being dre but khakier. so jeb bush all right he's going to announce any moment right. i know it i bet he's going to do something cool right. he's from texas. maybe will come up on a bucking bronco right. wait he's also from floor
10:00 am
dax maybe he is riding a bucking manatee yeah that's right. yee what i'm running for president y'all come on. >> i'm reasoning for approximately in 2016. (laughter) >> a hallway? that's it? where's the man tee. i'm not a political advisor but you could have fit a bull size manatee in that hallway. guys if we weren't meant to ride manatee y are they in the ocean. that's just marine biology okay. all right but to you word is out, okay. so the high court presidential questions are going to start coming so who first. >> after a town hall meeting in reno nevada he was confronted this time by a 19-year-old college student. >> 19-year-old college student. this is going to be easy. all right, what do you want to know about legalizing weed? cost of ramen moodels huh? yes and expenses. come on show me what you've got. >> what i wanted to talk to
10:01 am
you about is that isis was created was you -- part of the iraqi military were forced out they have to employment. >> all right now bush is going what? >> your brother created isis. >> larry: duh-dayum. >> your brother created isis. hey, jeb it's going to have to be-- he my friend are got the burn notice. clearly. usa humor. no worries generalry jebbrey he has got presidential blood in his blood his dad put the serum in his blood. okay knock this girl for high manatee.
10:02 am
>> . okay technically you are right people asked the question. just made it pretty cogeft point. more pornly the wrath the republican condition data and why is any of this relevant to jeb's presidency. i mean that's not him. he is his own man. "the washington post" points out jeb bush has hired 21 people who worked for either his father or his brother to advise him on foreign policy all while saying though that he is his own man. >> larry: okay, but he's hiring everyone who got us into iraq in the first place? what is this like a heist movie getting the old crew back together for like one last destabilization of the region? i don't get it. and the worst part is not only did he get skunk by a college student he got so
10:03 am
flustered, he did this. okay. oh jebediah. i think it's tame for one of my larry wilmore optic tips sponsored by warby parker, by parker glasses in the mail or something look that i done know the sling an. okay. when anyone but especially a woman confronts you with a tough question on the campaign trail the number one thing you don't want to do is put your hand on her like she's been overcome with the lady his terics and needs to be escorted to a fainting couch. that's not the look my dude. okay. this has been larry wilmore optic tips sponsored by warby parker. you're welcome. all right. oh move on to some good news in the thrilling world
10:04 am
of blood donations. >> on tuesday the food and drug administration released the outline of it's new guidelines for blood donations from gay men. the drafted recommendations would make it possible for men who have had sex with men to donate blad for the first time in 30 years. >> the ban was started back in the 80s due to concerns of the hiv virus. >> larry: guys, i know this is a controversial statement but i have to say it aids you are the worst. have at me twitter come on. i just slammed aids. come on that was the '80s. it was such a long time ago. that's when people thought gay still meant happy and transwas still just an am. (laughter) right? a long time ago. and thanks to improve testing hiv is not the danger to blood donation it once was so way to go fda. end of story right. >> under the new rule proposal gay men would be allowed to donate after
10:05 am
abstaining from sex for one year. >> larry: a year? there's gay men, not the unsullied. [bleep] well when do these new results go into affect. >> the fda will finalize the new results after a 30 day review period. >> larry: you need 30 days to figure this out. let me save you some time. it's stupid. all right look you know i think we need to get a little more perspective. to help us understand this et abouter please welcome bag of blood everyone. (cheers and applause) hey bag. how are you doing bag. >> hey larry! >> larry: so bag help me understand what is going on here. >> larry, it is insane that because of some 1980s aids
10:06 am
phobia they're asking gay men to be celibate for a year to donate blood. that is a lot of-- marching into a bloodmobile. >> larry: true, true i never thought of it like that. >> and at least it will be easier to find a vein. true. >> ha, ha ha. you got jokes larry. but i don't think they thought this through. this would be torture a bunch of light he headed gay men who haven't had sex for a area lying down next to each other on a bus? (laughter) well that's grindr on wheels. >> that's true. >> larry: true. >> not that there is anything wrong with that. misblood. >> true true but here is what really boils myself. if you engage in the most high-risk freak nasty sex
10:07 am
stuff you don't have to wait for a year. so you are all good, larry. >> larry: no, bag o blood no no no. >> i'm just yanking your vein. >> larry: thank you, i appreciate that. >> seriously this whole thing crazy do you know how much it you put pan back in 1938. back then bill kosby had only raped 24 women. >> larry: wow. that was-- that was a long time ago. actually bagging you got the jokes. are you a little type a? >> that's offensive larry. >> larry: oh okay. >> i don't find that funny at all. >> larry: i'm sorry, i apologize. >> way to ab negative. ha, ha ha yeah. >> larry: bag of blood everybody we'll be right back.
10:08 am
do you suffer from . . . the debilitating condition of jetlag? ♪ ♪ not in this room you don't. ♪ you got it booking right. booking.yeah.
10:09 am
10:10 am
shopping online... as easy as it gets. wouldn't it be great if hiring plumbers carpenters and even piano tuners... were just as simple? thanks to angie's list now it is. start shopping online... ...from a list of top rated providers. visit today.
10:11 am
>> larry: welcome back. here is my exive producer rory albanese. >> also joining me from inside the building is our nightly show head writer robin thede. and he plays pete campbell merchandise men series finale this sunday do not miss it acker vincent kartheiser. so every thursday we do something called bag o grab this time in honor of mad men we are doing briefcase of grab. >> very nice. >> larry: so you open the briefcase and you can't look inside. and whatever you pull out will be our topic. okay. so ladies first since it is mad men the ladies were treated horribly back then so vincent. >> don't clap for that. do not clap for that. why are you-- before we start,.
10:12 am
>> larry: okay. >> there you go. >> larry: so just grab. >> where are the smokes. under the --. >> they're under. the first one is a dash -- >> he's the boss. >> larry: he's bot. >> damn right. >> this is great. >> larry: so this is an article about men's view of women. they just did a survey by the shriver group and they said nearly half the men said it was harder to be a man today than it was for their father's generation specifically because of the advancement of women. >> yeah! yes. >> larry: robin before you answer let me get a little scotch. >> it's-- i think that's a fabulous thing. why not. you know and i think it's hilarious. >> men should be up set. >> of course they should be up settle people in the majority are always going to be up set when they get a little competition and look i was a black girl that grew up in iowa i was glad to be
10:13 am
the only one. >> larry: you grew newspaper a trailer park. >> i did. >> larry: robin grew up in a trailer park. >> i did, thanks. >> but it's still roomier than her apartment in new york city. it was a double wide. >> why is it harrer for a man. >> here is the thing. i think it's hard ear-- harder but as a white guy i can tell you it was easier for our grandfather they lives were a million times easier. >> larry: in terms of. >> being a quite guy in america. for me as a white gienow it's like 100,000 times better, you know what i mean. it's still so much better than it is to be anything else. >> larry: so white guys want from here to there everybody else is -- >> yeah yeah, yeah. oh yeah. true. and -- >> you're messing up this. >> because when you think about it, when you think about like when you think about the generation like our grandfather's generation everybody is like e o the greatest generation yeah like a plus on the whole hitler thing you know what i mean. but when it comes to like treating women and like the
10:14 am
environment f minus, you know what i mean. so they weren't really the greatest. >> larry: vince. >> that is such an embarrassing statistic. how you could possibly-- that men are so afraid of anybody having any sort of almost equality. like even-- even the needle moving a little bit like makes us terribly insecure and well that's why things aren't perfect in my world. because someone else got something. >> i just like the image of the grumpy man with it. >> really too, that nostalgia, back in my day it was better. one you were younger. and two two like of course it was better for new the 1950s. but if you were a gay guy or black guy what it was or a gay black guy. >> forget that guy. that was the worse. >> or a woman. >> black lesbians have had the hardest. >> who are these men?
10:15 am
that-- like what is it about -- >> dow not watch fox news they're all over the place. >> i do not watch fox news. >> they're everywhere. >> let's pick another rory you want to pick one. >> i will pick one. >> larry: robin, you have to go last. >> save the best for last. go for it middle. >> go grab. >> larry: what have you got there. >> this one is great. >> larry: that is what we covered can't-- this is the gay blood story. >> okay. you probably a little tired. >> larry: so we did this story. >> the water boarding -- >> oh it's legal. i swear it's been a year. it's been a year. >> you haven't had sex in a year you may need some kind of resuscitation.
10:16 am
>> yeah. >> he doesn't have any man parts. he doesn't have sex ever. >> that's a good point. >> larry: here is what i want to know. what is the test to prove that someone hasn't had sex for aier. what is that test? >> i think if you can name more than ten justice league characters in under a minute then you're probably good. >> you have had too much time. >> you are just kind ever a nerd,s this's all. >> larry: are you surprised by that story. >> i am the same as you. i had no idea that was a law. that's insane yeah. >> i agree. >> larry: i can't believe someone would write that. how can we do this. hmmmm hmmmm. let's make them not have sex for a year. >> and why why a year. is there some soft, i know the test takes a couple of mondays and then you need another test but why a year? nine months is for punishment. the last three months are necessary. >> i also think too how do you tell. and there's got to be like the guy in the waiting room which is humping the chair you know. >> let's take him first. >> let's get-- you know what,
10:17 am
you get in here now. >> where is all your blood. >> it's in my-- . >> larry: all the blood. okay we'll be right back with a couple more of these in a secretary my husband, tre ponder was killed june 28, 2005 in afghanistan. my husband's death was the hardest thing i've ever faced. the special operations warrior foundation stepped in to help. now you can help, too. purchase new cherry 5-hour energy
10:18 am
now through july 31st and a portion of each sale benefits special operations warrior foundation to help families of fallen heroes. i will always miss my dad, but thanks to special operations warrior foundation i will never feel alone. ♪ when it's time for battle, you need powerful protection. new right guard xtreme heat shield. ♪ tested to the extreme. proven to perform. ♪ right guard. for the win. don't just visit new york. visit tripadvisor new york. tripadvisor not only has millions of real traveler's reviews and opinions, but checks hundreds of websites, so people can get the best hotel prices. to plan, compare & book the perfect trip, visit today.
10:19 am
to feel this special... you need to eat this special. kellogg's special k... made with whole grains and fiber to help a body thrive. ♪ folic acid and vitamin d... to make a body feel this good. start your day with 150 nourishing calories... in a bowl of special k. eat special, feel special. special k red berries, now with more real strawberries. with xfinity from comcast you can manage your account anytime, anywhere on any device. just sign into my account to pay bills manage service appointments
10:20 am
and find answers to your questions. you can even check your connection status on your phone. now it's easier than ever to manage your account. get started at . >> larry: welcome back. my panel rorkey albanese, robin thede an vincent
10:21 am
kartheiser. with very one more briefcase o grab. robin. >> finally. >> larry: what have we got. >> oh. >> larry: okay, so this is a mad men. >> very good. >> larry: all right so actually there is like a lot of mad men conspiracy theories out there. so robin,. >> i absolutely have one. >> larry: about the last episode. >> i cannot take credit for this but this is author named lindsay green who says that don draper is actually dd cooper. >> larry: have you heard this? >> no one in the audience knows who bb cooper is. they will google it. they're going to google it. >> it is lighting up right now. >> what do you think about this? >> i don't think it's true. >> oh. >> all right. >> i done think it's true but i'm not-- it's above my pay grade that question. >> fair enough but i got half an answer. >> do you have security clearance over there. >> no, no, no. but you only have some of amount of time on set and i haven't ever asked that
10:22 am
question. i have been more interested with how my hair looks. >> that's fair. they really mess with your hair a lot in that last scene. >> larry: do we have enough time for-- we're clearly on -- >> okay we have enough time for a quick one. so. >> if not everybody else. >> all right so robin. >> yes. >> you want to go first here is your question robin if you can ask -- >> i thought i withs going to ask one for a moment. >> larry: if you could ask vincent kartheiser any question what would it be? >> okay. all right. keep it pg. >> how does mad men end. >> that's good. >> you asked if. >> good question. >> larry: he won't do it. >> i can't answer that. >> yes you can you know why. >> everybody dies.
10:23 am
>> eventually. >> larry: that somehow it ends. >> this is what i would ask. i kept it 100. >> larry: here is your rory keep it 100. >> if you could ask vincent kartheiser in i question what would it be. >> i would say how does-- yeah how does mad men end, what's the-- how is that last episode just what happens. >> everybody lives. >> it is happily ever after. >> we have time for one more question. this is for vincent. vincent this is how does mad men end? hold on hold on hold on. >> here you go. >> pay attention to this how does mad men end? >> because we can to the wait until sunday how does it end. >> just tell us once did you know how it ends? i do know how it ends. >> you do. >> would you tell us?
10:24 am
>> you hear that. >> you do know how it ends. you know how tends you said you didn't know how it ends. you do know how it ends. >> yes i do. >> tell us how it ends. >> i will tell you the last three words of the show. >> fade to black. >> larry: we'll be right back right after this.
10:25 am
10:26 am
♪ lookin' good, flo! feelin' good! feelin' real good! [ engine revs ] boat protection people love. now, that's progressive. call or click today.
10:27 am
>> okay that's our show i want to thank you our panelist, railroady albanese robin thede an vincent kartheiser. give them a round of applies -- applause. don't forget to like us on facebook, and keep track of everything yen line. since we are not doing shows next week i want to say to david letterman who is doing his last show on may 20th. thank you for changing the game, dave you truly are an icon you have inspired so so many of news this business. will you be missed some of. have a great final week my friend this is to you
10:28 am
mr. letterman. christina walters? god, i haven't heard that name in ages. you know the kind of woman who can get any guy she wants.
10:29 am
that's christina walters. we dated. yeah, briefly, but she's not the commitment type, you know. she's a player. she just likes to have fun. i met christina at a bar. hot piece of ass. totally hit it off. all night long we dance. i buy her drinks. at the end of the night, she just splits. i lay down all that groundwork for nothing. she gave me her number. -(dialing) -it's been, like, three days. i saw swingers. i know how these things work. automated voice: hello, and welcome to aol moviefone. i stay up nights trying to figure out why she said she'd call and didn't. maybe she wanted to call and that's why she said she was going to call, but when she was about to call... ♪ christina ♪ christina ♪ you know, prolonged impotence is very common after a breakup. lots of men suffer from it. they just don't talk about it. (laughing) not like me gabbing away. gab, gab, gab, gab. but even still because she said she was going to call,
10:30 am
she should've called to say she wasn't going to call and then i would've thanked her for calling to say she wasn't going to call and then... hey, you know, at least i don't get that dizzy head-spinning nausea as much as i used to. hooray! (laughs crazily) yeah, you know, like i said, i'm doing fine. i am fan... jeez! (pop song playing) ♪ this is my sexual revolution ♪ sexual revolution sexual revolution ♪ sexual revolution ♪ everybody shaking ♪ -christina. -valerie! shake it if you've got it. (cell phone ringing) miss courtney. wow. hello, miss christina.


info Stream Only

Uploaded by TV Archive on