Skip to main content

tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  May 21, 2015 9:00am-9:33am PDT

9:00 am
from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart! (cheers and applause) ♪ >> jon: we've got a good show! we made a good show today! oh we've got a nice show. kristen wiig -- boy, she's good -- (cheers and applause) she's going to come out and i'm going to get her to admit her complicity in the false buildup to the iraq war -- i think.
9:01 am
(laughter) all right. first! you know, the sepublicans there are fat, fat! the 2016 candidates drms have decided to skip the primary process entirely! more of a coronation type dealey. (laughter) until now. >> have the senator bernie sanders made it official he will run for president -- >> jon: yeah! (cheers and applause) that's right! let's meet whoever bernie sanders is! (laughter) no, that's actually -- that's colonel sanders. let's meet -- deion sanders. (laughter) that -- (laughter) that's ned flanders. sure. sure, that's bernie sanders. all right, fine. (laughter) there we go!
9:02 am
how will this two-term senator this eight-term representative, this full-term curmudgeon battle the incredibly powerful clinton machine? >> let me just make a brief comment and i will be happy to take a few questions. we don't have an endless amount of time. i've got to get back. (laughter) >> jon: with charm! (laughter) that was his presidential campaign announcement. not so much yes we can and more like let's just get this over with. i'm a busy man! busy running is anti-hillary. he's a centrist he's a leftist. her campaign is managed to a t! he forgot his comb! (laughter) she has almost 100% name
9:03 am
recognition! he is somewhat lesser known! (laughter) she has a private server in her home where she deleted tens of thousands of her own e-mails. he owns a vhs copy of tootsie. (laughter) she has a set of consistent principles that he has -- he has a set of consistent principles he has run on his entire political life. she... is going to crush him! (laughter) there is nothing that can stop her! nothing that can possibly derail or undermine or -- >> at least 181 clinton foundation donors lobbied the state department at the same time that hillary clinton was running it. the clintons did not live up to
9:04 am
their promise to disclose all foreign donations. now the foundation has had to refile five years of tax returns because at least three of the years they reported zero donations from foreign governments when in fact there were tens of millions of dollars. >> jon: what! but that's okay... that's easy mistake. the zero to tens of millions. that's an easy mixup. probably happened as you were doing, okay, 10 million, you probably misplaced the -- the 1 and uh -- (laughter) naturally, some people think that with all that money changing hands -- (laughter) really? a little reference but all right. (laughter) some think with all the money changing hands something unseemly must be going on. >> that's the world in which people have access to the clintons or somehow buying access to the clintons. to give you an example the "new
9:05 am
york times" last year took note chelsea clinton gets about as much as $75,000 a speech for speaking on subjects like diarrhea which is a subject she says she's passionate about. (laughter) >> jon: is it your suggestion, sir, that audiences might not be interested in chelsea clinton's speech about diarrhea? (laughter) because as she has so eloquently said -- some people think it's funny, but it's really brown and runny. (laughter) gotcha! (applause) it's really a q&a session afterwards that's most valuable. chelsea, according to jon stewart and "the daily show,"
9:06 am
when you're sliding to first -- (laughter) -- and your pants begin to burst, is that -- (laughter) -- when it smells like a fart my point is cha-cha-cha! seriously though, diarrhea kills 1.5 million children every year. (laughter) all right. um... so -- so the outfits, the donations to foreign governments, the outfits are not good and there's a pot of potential for corruption. what about proof? >> so far there aren't any
9:07 am
specific concrete examples that any companies or foreign governments received special treatment -- >> abc found no evidence that hillary clinton took action based on these contributions. >> jon: well there you have it. no proof, no nothing. the one opening sanders might have shut down. all secretary clinton has to do is address this simply and squarely and put this to bed. >> did these companies receive any special treatment for their donations? >> jon: we'll see if i'm right. >> well we're back into the political season and, therefore we will be subjected to all kinds of attack and i'm ready for that. it is, i think, worth noting that the republicans seem to be talking only about me. i don't know what they talk about if i weren't in the race. (laughter)
9:08 am
>> jon: i wrote down "no." so there's still hope bernie! oh, didn't move at all. all right. well, we'll be right back. ( groan ) i'm starving. we've been compromised! don't let hunger kill your game. hot pockets brings you new snack bites. bite-size hot pockets sandwiches with 100% real cheese. guy's i'm back! new snack bites from... ♪hot pockets♪ after a long day of doing man stuff, me and fellas trust dial for men power scrub to give us a clean we can be proud of. over engineered with unstoppable orange oil and micro scrubbers [band]: unstoppable it leaves us honkingly gorgeous. dial for men. proudly over engineered. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ if you want it ♪ ♪ go out and get it ♪ i'm sorry for your loss. it still
9:09 am
doesn't feel real. our time together was... so short. well, since you had progressive's total loss coverage, we were able to replace your totaled bike with a brand-new one. the tank...the exhaust... well, she looks just like roxie! you know, i'll bet she's in a better place now. flo: i know she is. i feel it in my heart. [ heavenly choir sings ] actually, the old roxie's over at the junkyard. flo: kkh-kkh! getting you back on a brand-new bike. now, that's progressive.
9:10 am
♪ ♪ new guacamole. now at subway.
9:11 am
we snap it. we stack it. we smoosh it. we love it. hershey's makes it a s'more... you make it special. hershey's is mine, yours our chocolate. >> jon: hi, everybody! welcome back! we have been down this road a few times this year. each time it's not easy. tonight marks the end of an era, the longest serving member samantha bee. it started in 2003. the bush presidency was entering terrible twos. we need a correspondent, we looked in your liquor stores, betting parlors, methadone clinics, google was in it's baby stages and we ended up in canada. (laughter)
9:12 am
we found this delightful incredibly funny, person. we put her in the trunk and raced back over the border. canada had no idea what it was losing. >> have you had a hot karl? no, i haven't gotten to do everything yet. >> it's a totally different group of people. >> what state could you beat up? ours. i don't think that counts. oh, so i sorry. ther states not in europe. canada? okay. none of these tools are sterile. >> neither is is this. it's kind of dark! my momma's always talking about something! >> i'm samantha bee and i watch the five! it's the tale of a winsome blonde, dana parino. got to be a catch! make it snappy, i've got places to be.
9:13 am
okay, dripping wet balls. ignore this. umpire. you two timing mother -- ahhh! i'm getting thrown out of this (bleep) pool! one makes you larger -- and it rings! i think a lot of the time it feels like a thankless job. people think our day ends at 3:00 and that's not the case. we feel unappreciated. >> basically instant arrest. takes a little bit of doing. okay, okay, okay. have you had your picture taken with black person yet? >> i don't think so but wouldn't mind. >> you would be willing to try? certainly. plenty of them. i know. do you have any of them in montana? >> we don't. we were pretty old before we saw one. >> jon: sam is only the third correspondent to ever get her
9:14 am
face stuck in a beach ball. the ones i love best are the ones closest to her heart. >> sarah palin took stage in silence to her critic. but onish is for which he sees still unfairly attacked. >> it's very inappropriate the democrats seized on on the issue of her daughter's pregnancy. >> she's going to have a family and a baby. >> it's a human being. she made the decision -- another word i'm looking for. i'm looking for voice. every family and woman should have the right to -- i'm sorry what's the word? it's her family, it's her -- what is the word i'm looking for? we have a lot of options, you should select one. what's the word i'm looking for? adoption is one. >> no, a specific word i'm looking for. >> yes, but i don't think the --
9:15 am
i don't think that the decision -- i think it should be -- not -- i think that the family decision would become -- that's how -- yes. okay. >> a different choice? choice! yes! exactly! every person, every family should have a choice to decide what's best for them! >> there may be a 10-year-old picking tobacco but you won't see him there all day. >> i work 12 hour days in the tobacco farms, sometimes longer. >> you're making it hard for me to support child tobacco labor. the president says he wants us to talk about race. so let's talk about race! you go first. >> i think it would be great if you started off. >> i don't think it would be great at all. >> if you're scared, say you're scared. (laughter) >> no! i'm not at all.
9:16 am
i'm just incredibly uncomfortable. >> i know the percentage is so small so small of a person becoming pregnant from a rape that i just don't even know if that's even in the equation because they say that percentage is just like, almost impossible. not impossible but close, and there have been some cases. >> yeah, probably about 32,000 a year. >> 32,000. women in combat positions are a threat to military cohesion. it's not clear that men can actually bond with women. men join the infantry because they want to fight. >> excuse me for one second. okay. >> girls become women by getting older. boys become men by accomplishing something proving something. >> okay. have you ever actually met a woman before? >> several. um... a woman who did not want to strangle you?
9:17 am
>> the reverse happens as well, where homosexuals go out and find straits to beat up. >> really? yeah. are you sure about that? hey! watch out! i've got a christian! guys! >> you can't even go on the radio anymore and condemn a whole subset of people to hell without getting blowback. >> when you put it that way it does sound rather narrow, myopic narrow-minded and bigoted. >> yes, now i've done my job. >> jon: southeastern correspondent samantha bee! (cheers and applause) progressive insurance here and i'm a box who thrives on the unexpected.
9:18 am
ha-ha! shall we dine? [ chuckle ] you wouldn't expect an insurance company to show you their rates and their competitors' rates but that's precisely what we do. going up! nope, coming down. and if you switch to progressive today you could save an average of over 500 bucks. stop it. so call me today at the number below. or is it above? dismount! oh, and he sticks the landing! okay guys, we've got two cars here. we're going to start watching a movie in the chevy malibu. ♪ (kids laughing) he's flying ok guys, pause the movie we're going to watch the rest in the toyota camry. hit play again ehhh. what happened? you can't watch the movie. ugh... no network connection. who wants to go back in the chevy malibu? me! let's go! peace out! chevrolet. the first and only car company to bring built-in 4g lte wi-fi to cars, trucks and crossovers. this is cool. yeah. [ male announcer ] digiorno? or delivery? ♪ ♪ digiorno? or
9:19 am
delivery? taste for yourself why the shortest distance between you and a delicious, fresh-baked pizza, is your oven. thankfully, it's not delivery. it's digiorno. i'm really psyched subway's bringing the flavor with this new guacamole made from creamy hass avocados... people really love it. guacamole guacamole guacamole see? try it on sandwiches like the new chipotle chicken melt with guacamole. subway. eat fresh. this is the movie you've all been waiting for... this is your mission. noo...this is an envelope. that's actually... we're all gonna die! ...not a movie. i don't know anything! do you think i'm an idiot?! ahhhhh! but, really, just a commercial... reminding people to eat m&m's. wait...what? this is just a commercial?? um...can someone shut off the missile? ♪
9:20 am
9:21 am
(cheers and applause) >> jon: what about my guest tonight? she's the best. she has a new film out called welcome me. >> i want a talk show with me as the host. >>host. okay. it wouldn't be our first for foray into fanty programming. >> i think she wants to take
9:22 am
over for oprah. >> you want to talk about things? >> no. guests and interviews. no. okay what do you want to talk about? >> me. hmm... >> jon: welcome back to the program kristen wiig! (cheers and applause) hello! >> hi! >> jon: how are you? samantha bee! >> jon: i know it's killing me. you got a little -- >> i did. >> jon: you did. that one felt, you know this, past year a lot of people have been -- we loved her but she's foundational and we love her and decent and i think i got a little lump there. >> yeah, that's okay. >> jon: when you left s.n.l.
9:23 am
like, mick jagger came and sang. >> yeah, that was crazy. yeah, he was the host that week and yeah, that was -- yeah, for a good year. (laughter) it was really hard to watch the show after that. >> jon: and everyone came and danced. >> yeah. >> jon: we showed some clips. (laughter) i owe samantha bee an apology. i need to call the rolling stones. it's so (bleep) hard because it's, you know, it's the end of an era but i know, like, sam and i were talking earlier and she's so excited about the future she has so many great things coming up it's hard to leave a place where you loved the people, felt comfortable, did good work and it knocks you out a little bit. >> yeah, because you don't have
9:24 am
a second home like that, many of those in a lifetime. >> jon: what i like so much about what you do is the choices you make they're all intriguing. you seem like a person who chooses things based on true interest and passion and not other lesser thoughts. >> yeah, i guess. >> jon: no... yes! i thought we were going to talk about ourselves. >> jon: all right. no, i mean i like to try different things. when we were talking earlier, i feel like, i don't know, being an actor, performer, whatever when you're a little uncomfortable and you're challenged, you question why you did that. you're, like, oh, my god, why did i do this? why am i not home in my house. >> jon: the grammies thing you were phenomenal in it. i thought, you must be trained. it was phenomenal.
9:25 am
you were like, no we did a couple of weeks of practice (laughter) >> yeah, i mean, i danced by myself in wigs and leotards. and i cry a lot. (laughter) no, i took ballet when i was a kid, and then, yeah,. >> jon: do they call you up? does somebody call you and say, hey, man, i'm going the grammys, would you dance to my song? >> it's kind of weird. my friend and i were talking. i made a joke if she needed anyone to dance in the background when she was singing and then it was like grammys? and i was sure, and it happened. it was great deally weird. >> jon: i've asked people that, too if they needed somebody, but i've never gotten that call. never say it to a lot of people.
9:26 am
>> a lot of people even people who don't sing. >> jon: i say it to orators, senators -- would you like me to dance? >> no one said -- >> jon: no one bit. did you like bernie sanders. >> that was funny. the picture -- >> jon: he's tremendous. it's like this. >> jon: it's like david is running for president. you have a guy like, what are you doing! >> he's, like, ever to go so let's get this over with. >> jon: that's his announcement for running for president, let's keep it going, people! (laughter) do you remember watching seinfeld and the steinbrenner character? that was david's voice. i feel like that would be a bernie sanders presidency. you would walk in and -- i want
9:27 am
an embargo! blah blah blah blah! i know you're not comfortable with this but steve carell was on this program for a long time. and then he does the fox catcher and he's an actor. i feel like that's you. you've got something there. i love the work you're doing. this movie welcome me it's not easy to pull this off with great empathy but also the depth of character and you do a great job in it. >> thank you. >> jon: it's very nice. kristen wiig, she's great! (cheers and applause) ♪ after a long day of doing man stuff, me and fellas trust dial for men power scrub to give us a clean we can be proud of. over engineered with unstoppable orange oil and micro scrubbers [band]: unstoppable it leaves us honkingly gorgeous. dial for men. proudly over engineered. ( groan ) i'm starving. we've been compromised! don't let hunger kill your game. hot pockets brings you new snack bites.
9:28 am
bite-size hot pockets sandwiches with 100% real cheese. guy's i'm back! new snack bites from... ♪hot pockets♪
9:29 am
9:30 am
thought i told you to stay off our turf. and what would you know about turf, skipper? let's end this here and now! let's dance! flo: whoa there! progressive covers boats and rvs, okay? plenty of policies to go around. [ grunts ] oh, oh, i'm the bad guy? you threw a fish at us so, yeah. yeah. coverage for land and sea. now, that's progressive. red by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh acces >> sugar, bumble bees, milk, cotton, polyblend pony hair, oatmeal, salt. i should probably also mention
9:31 am
i'm a >> larry: tonightly, former patriots tightened aaron hernandez will spend life in prison. guys, i told you this play game was serious. a florida man makes a statement by landing a helicopter on the lawn of the u.s. capitol. and that statement is people from florida be cray-cray. plav plav also we're discussing conspiracy theories because we're trying to braem neil degrasse tyson's brain. (cheers and applause) >> larry: so put down the remote put on your tin foil hat this is the nightly show. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central
9:32 am
--. >> larry: yes. thank you very much. thank you. welcome. >> . >> larry: thank you very much. welcome to the nightly show. i'm your host larry wilmore. (cheers and applause) >> larry: thank you very much. you're very kind. you're very kind. we've got to get to this. there are a few stories in the news i want to talk about. let's get to the biggest oning and by biggest i mean a six foot 1 murderer. >> former nfl star aaron hernandez was found guilty of verdict. the verdict came down moments ago. hernandez stood a couped of killing odin lloyd in 2013. >> larry: now the news of a guilty verdict came as somewhat of a shock seeing as normally there are no consequences when a patriot breaks the rules. hey don't hate the messenger