Skip to main content

tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  June 2, 2015 6:19pm-6:52pm PDT

6:19 pm
women in the senate gave up precious fundraising to their loppiests so they could do what they do best, disagree and fail! >> key sections of the patriot act expired overnight as the senate failed to act before a midnight deadline. >> forcing the n.s.a. to immediately stop collecting telephone metadata on millions of americans across the country. >> jon: my god! we're no longer tracking metadata! this is an emergency! i have to notify someone! quickly! hold on! (ringing) penis, penis penis! >> jon, i know it's you! for the last time, please, stop calling me and yelling "penis" into the phone! stop it! it's weird! (laughter) >> jon: i have not been calling john oliver all day and shouting penis penis, penis! (laughter) for a while i was just texting
6:20 pm
eggplant emojis three of them. (laughter) people ask me all the time, what are you going to do when you leave the show? the n.s.a.' metadata collection isn't the only patriot act provision that turned into a pumpkin at midnight. >> the expired programs are the phone data program and wiretaps and the lone wolf provision which can track a suspect not tied to a terrorism investigation. >> jon: can we stop calling them lone wolves, please? they're deranged murderers. lone wolf makes them sound cool like, al quaida can't handle me, man! i'm an alpha dog! i don't need a pack! even though the patriot act expired it doesn't really seem like the country has pummeled into chaotic violence-based terrorocracy.
6:21 pm
>> icele and al quaida won't suddenly stop plotting against us the tomorrow. >> this is probably the most dangerous time for america since nine nine. >> a with the possession of nuclear radioactive, biological or chemical weapons would make new york look like just a small incident. 911. >> the middle east is about on fire and we're losing everywhere! >> jon: the thing that's been keeping us alive is our collection of metadata and now it's gone and we're at the mercy of animals and psychopaths! >> it's been gone hours ago! what sort of anti-american bastard organization would let this happen? >> this is not a deadline that snuck up on anyone! they have known about this for years. but the senate pushed off their vote until the last minute.
6:22 pm
>> jon: like a dog wearing a cone looking at you, like, can you believe they're making me wear this cone? and you're thinking, you're the one chewing your own dick. (laughter) you could have stopped this days ago. (laughter) there is something troubling. >> the government doesn't cite a single cates in twi metadata collection actually topped an imminent terror attack. >> jon: not even that. it's that the government is making the case the controversial provision of the n.s.a. is what's been so effective. but we have been hit by terrorist acts. the fort hood shooting, cartoon tear refer to in texas, the boston bombing, and in each case the government knew about them
6:23 pm
knew about. if the patriot act is acting so poorly why do we have to keep it? it's like "jurrasic park" saying we can't debate security now we're dealing with our fourth consecutive dinosaur escape. give the system a chance to work! if we have nothing to fear from the patriot act and it's the only thing keeping from keeping keep i.s.i.s. from turning america's national parks into jihadi summer camps why didn't extending it pass? >> i think rand paul is significantly responsible for the fact they could don't anything last night. >> it's clear who the white house is annoyed with this morning, senator rand paul. >> i call out senator paul. the selfishness of one individual in the senate. >> i've run for president twice but never stooped to something like this. >> jon: he'd only stoop to something like this... (cheers and applause) (laughter)
6:24 pm
i was saying, after seven years, john mccain should know not to set himself up for a palin joke! imagine park cane out jogging with an out of shape friend and say you're the most useless runningmate i've ever had! why are you laughing! but as i was saying, rand paul made it his personal mission to stop this extension. >> republican senator and presidential candidate rand paul blocked the vote. >> accused paul of cashing in on the controversy. the presidential candidate has been urging supporters to chip in to his stop n.s.a. find show down money bomb. >> jon: pretty ballsy rand. that wording probably set off five n.s.a. alerts there. the only way they would flag it more is if you turned to the kiddie bin laden bomb. joinjordan klepper is joining us!
6:25 pm
this seems like a turning point for the n.s.a. where does the n.s.a. go from here? >> hopefully much further. you can never collect enough intelligence. not just talking about phone data. the next clue could be in a pile of unopened bank statements on your kitchen table or a giant bag of tax receipts you have been accumulating since you moved to new york six years ago. the n.s.a. should really just take it all maybe even organize it. (laughter) >> jon: i'm not sure the n.s.a. is interested in that. >> but jon! we're talking about national security! we can't let anything slip through cracks! the n.s.a. should be storing it all from a complete set of "frasier" dvds you haven't watched in years but can't bear to part with or a box of cherished trophies and yearbooks. >> jon: you just doing spring cleaning, jordan? >> jordan: no!
6:26 pm
i'm gathering potential intel for terror thwartic purposes! there is a lot of actual stuff in this class of 97. look, "stay cool." john i never was cool. that's clearly jihadist code. (laughter) "i hope you finally get some in college"? what does that mean get some? (laughter) i tell you they're talking about plutonium. >> jon: jordan, i'm not questioning your patriotism but you appear to get the n.s.a. just to store your junk for you. why don't you get a self-storage unit. >> $300 a month? no thank you! you're telling me the n.s.a. doesn't have a close tote throw my (bleep) and meticulously analyze it for security purposes? >> jon: this isn't even about protecting america anymore! >> jordan: how dare you, sir! my love of country knows no
6:27 pm
bounds! the n.s.a. could interrogate my dog! maybe for like a long weekend preferably around the cape cod clam jam! (laughter) then i can pick him up on my way back home. >> jon: your apartment is pretty samuel isn't it. >> can't even lie down. >> jon: all
6:28 pm
[ electronic dance music playing ] feel like a kid again with dunkin's new oreo and chips ahoy! flavored iced coffees. classic cookie flavor in every sip. america runs on dunkin'.
6:29 pm
♪nyan mbaï ngueda koba♪ ♪a teraga ndiki bonguè♪ ♪a teraga ndiki bo♪ ♪a teraga ndiki bo♪ ♪nyan mbaï ngueda koba♪ ♪nyan mbaï / biniigana gwo ni gwo♪ what do you think of when you think of the united states postal service? exactly. that's what pushes us to deliver smarter simpler faster sleeker earlier fresher harder farther quicker and yeah even on sundays. what's next? we'll show you.
6:30 pm
(cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome back! this morning, the short list of republicans not running for president. (laughter) got shorter. >> lindsey graham is expected to announce his run for the white house 10:30 this morning. he will do that from his hometown of central south carolina. >> jon: oh... (laughter) thank you. interesting fact, central south carolina. is not a region of lindsey graham's home state. it's actually his hometown. it's fascinating. it's not in central south carolina. it's in northwest south carolina. its position equal distance from charlotte and atlanta. you don't give a (bleep) about this, do you? let's hear what we came to hear. >> we were expecting the
6:31 pm
announcement at 10:30 running a little behind schedule, so we'll stay, wait watch the crowds and wait for lindsey graham to appear. >> jon: sounds like interesting television. the senator is running a little bit behind how does one phases time waiting for a senator in south carolina. >> i'd like to introduce the d.w. general high school jr. all star color guard. >> he and darlene made a fond memory. >> my fondest memory is lindsey help meg ride a bicycle. >> we'll call on the jazz band for a musical rendition. (boogie-woogie bugle boy playing) >> jon: what is that, (booing) is graham running to defeated f.d.r.? new deal? i say screw deal! pardon my french buy war bonds!
6:32 pm
what would they do if they waited longer? who's that behind me? (laughter) finally, lindsey graham took to the podium. >> i want to be president to defeat the enemies that are trying to kill us. i know our enemies, but more importantly, they know me. we will never enjoy peaceful co-existence with radical islam. radical islam is running wild. the world is exploding in terror and violence. >> jon: you know doesn't matter how deeply paranoid you get. fearmongering just sounds so much more charming with that accent! i mean my stars, is the muslim so close to getting our launch codes and turning our own missiles on them i would say there's little hope we'll survive this summer. you're running for president and we're owl gonna die! were your closing thoughts? >> i will work every day to make
6:33 pm
you proud. god bless. (cheers and applause) (music, "i feel good!" playing). (laughter) >> jon: that is the actual campaign song they went with. that was on their type, "i feel good." because after that speech everyone's running for the bomb shelters. (laughter) you were scaring the (bleep) out of people. i don't think "i feel good" goes with one single sentence of the speech. can we check? >> the culture of death that seeks to destroy the dignity of life. (i feel good playing) (laughter) >> jon: didn't feel right. give me another one. >> as a young man, i lost my parents, struggled financially and emotionally. (i feel good playing) (laughter) >> jon: maybe we just chose
6:34 pm
the wrong james brown song! (laughter) >> barack obama has made us less safe. our adversaries are take advantage. iran will trigger a nuclear arms race. >> putin seized ukrainian territory and threatens n.a.t.o. allies. (get on up playing by james brown) >> jon: there is really only one way out of this, someone throw a cape on when kevin jorgeson needs light, he trusts only duracell quantum because it lasts longer in 99% of devices. [ electronic dance music playing ] feel like a kid again with dunkin's new oreo and chips ahoy! flavored iced coffees. classic cookie flavor in every sip. america runs on dunkin'.
6:35 pm
ah! aflac? aflac! i thought you said this guy was the best? oh, he's a horrible stylist. gah? but he's the best at paying claims fast! really... mmhmm. paid mine in just one day. one day? yea. aaaflaaaac! in just one day, we approve and pay. one day pay, only from aflac. ♪ what's in a drop? the expectation of what comes next. that's what keeps the energy going. the drop refreshes the beat every time. so what's in a drop? ♪ right now, verizon is offering unlimited talk and text.
6:36 pm
plus 10 gigs of shareable data. yeah, 10 gigantic gigs. for $80 a month. and $15 per line. more data than ever. for more of what you want. on the network that's #1 in speed, call, data, and reliability. so you never have to settle. $80 a month. for 10 gigs. and $15 per line. stop by or visit us online. and save without settling. only on verizon. our pizza hut big flavor dipper pizza is almost two-feet of pizza. whoa. you're gonna need a bigger car. get the new big flavor dipper pizza with four flavorful sauces and a free pepsi 2-liter with online orders. just $12.99. only at pizza hut.
6:37 pm
tadaaa! the nominees for best new artists are... blue razz, chocolate strawbs and cinna roll! and the winner is... (belches) blaaaaaaahhhh.... yeah. tadaaa! crazy good! my name is jeff richardson the vice president of operations here at c.k. mondavi. to make this fine wine it takes a lot of energy. pg&e is the energy expert. we reached out to pg&e to become more efficient. my job is basically to help them achieve their goals around sustainability and really to keep their overhead low. solar and energy efficiency are all core values of pg&e. they've given us the tools that we need to become more efficient
6:38 pm
and bottom line save more money. together, we're building a better california. (cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome back! my guest tonight, four-star general in the nate army, american coalition forces in afghanistan, book called "team of teams," new rules of engagement for a complex world. welcome back to the program general stanley mcchrystal! (cheers and applause) ♪ how are you? >> very well. >> jon: you've left the army
6:39 pm
and everything's gone to hell. i don't want to draw a conclusion to this. if causation is necessary to correlation, but it's hard not to draw the conclusion. general mcchrystal is the one holding this thing together, afghanistan iraq the entire middle east, you leave, the whole thing goes up. true or false? >> i'd love that to be true but -- is that all i heard was true (laughter) chuck, look at this right here, this is the chart of you write this is what our army was designed to fight, and this is what it's fighting. so that's what we were designed for, what we were facing. so why are we having trouble? >> exactly. and that's what i.s.i.s. is now. i.s.i.s. is a 21st century
6:40 pm
organization that uses some frightening tactics really quickly and then leverage digital communications to essentially tie their enemies in knots. >> jon: right. the.the question becomes why is this always our problem? is it because we created it? (laughter) or is that -- (cheers and applause) but you get my point? >> yeah, i do. i mean we created, essentially, much of the technology that is in the world now but what we have done is, in many case we've harnessed it to 19th and early 20th century organizations and processes and are unwilling to let go of the side of the pool to change. >> jon: our policies, i show a lot of people -- i hear a lot of people on tv and experts who come on and say well if we had only left in 5,000 troops or 10,000 troops or only armed this
6:41 pm
one militia against the other militia, none of this would be happening. and isn't it the hubris -- didn't we destabilize the regions to a large extent? >> i don't think we can give ourselves that much credit. i don't think we have that much influence to cause all the problems there. i think we were part out part of it. we've also been part of the solution. that region is so complex, there is no single political narrative and so many forces are going in so many different directions that feeling with it will take a long-term and focused approach. >> jon: that's the interesting thing because when you listen to whoever the next president will be, they all seem to have a very clear idea of exactly this one thing that we didn't do that if we did do it would be all ice cream and swedish fish and unicorns. >> yeah, i actually think the future, when you look for it, is complex. therefore, it is fund mentally
6:42 pm
impossible to predict. what we have to do is go with things with an awful lot of humility which says we'll approach things with reality, we'll have to adapt and reiterate. you won't come up with a 100-year plan, a 50 or even a 5-year plan you have to come up with general direction and frameworks and work it every day, that's the world we live in. >> jon: the iran-iraq war of the '80s, we're funding saddam, giving him arms. now, with people who learned their lessons of war with saddam are leading i.s.i.s. there's a lot of control with saddam's generals. we are in many ways on the side of iran fighting these guys. looks like we just shifted the iran-iraq war 50 miles northeast and switched sides. is that right?
6:43 pm
>> that might be overallly simplistic. (laughter) >> jon: okay. thank you! but is that part of -- because we don't understand it, each time we intervene don't we just suck ourselves further and further into the quick sand? >> yeah, whenever you intervene in something as complex as that region and particularly in today's environment where information passes so fast you can't predict exactly what the outcome will be. so i think what we need to do is one study history so we understand the forces that are there and then go forward very carefully. we won't reshape that region. we don't have the power even if we wanted to. what we aren't going to do either is we aren't going to be able to disengage entirely because it's going to matter to us everywhere and the rest of the world. >> jon: the book is basically that idea of boy you think you have a plan but you need to be more agile because a things are
6:44 pm
way more complex and we're trying to apply this into other areas beyond just war. >> exactly. in the military there's the saying that no plan survives contact with the enemy. and i think that's what we're finding in business now too. you've got opposition from competitors, garage startups, new technology all of these things and organizations that get very happy with being efficient, very, very wired processes that have worked for their grandfathers fathers and brothers now don't work and it's disorienting the people. so the reality is because you can't predict the future, i think we're going to have to walk in being adaptable and gear ourselves and our organizations that way. >> jon: what tuning is a more oom industry, military? where would you say the greatest learning curve is, the most agility exists and who has the most room to learn the he is issons. >> they all have a long way to go but what i see in business is
6:45 pm
there's a daily struggle to stay in business. you have to make money whatnot. so there tends to be adaptability. that's not true in big business because we've seen a lot of fall because they haven't changed. the military traditionally only fought a generation or to and there would be periods of peace when you were trying to figure out the last war. during combat you tend to learn quickly. government has been slow to learn. >> jon: the most adaptable industry, second most military, and really hasn't yet pulled its head from the netherworld would be government bringing up the rear. >> probably room for improvement. (laughter) >> jon: i can tell. that's why you're in the position you're in and i'm in the position i'm in. "team of teams," on the bookshelves now, general stanley [ electronic dance music playing ] feel like a kid again with dunkin's
6:46 pm
new oreo and chips ahoy! flavored iced coffees. classic cookie flavor in every sip. america runs on dunkin'. heineken light. the best light beer you've ever tasted. or i'll give you your money back. not me. i won't. someone will give you your money . . . someone at heineken . . . i'm guessing . . . is it? ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
6:47 pm
audible safety beeping audible safety beeping audible safety beeping the nissan rogue with safety shield technologies. the only thing left to fear is you imagination. nissan. innovation that excites. what if sprint could cut your rate plan in half? that's incredible. bring in your verizon or at&t bill
6:48 pm
turn in your old phone, and we'll cut your rate plan in half. switch now and we'll pay whatever it costs for you to come to sprint. visit us online or at a sprint store today. honey, can you make your famous dip for the party? i can do the chores. yeah, sure. okay, i'm going to take the demolition team. no, no, no. hey, hey. come inside, ben is somewhere in the house. ooh! tostitos dip-etizers go from microwave to table in minutes. just heat and enjoy. our pizza hut big flavor dipper pizza is almost two-feet of pizza. whoa. you're gonna need a bigger car. get the new big flavor dipper pizza with four flavorful sauces and a free pepsi 2-liter with online orders. just $12.99. only at pizza hut.
6:49 pm
with xfinity from comcast you can manage your account anytime, anywhere on any device. just sign into my account to pay bills manage service appointments and find answers to your questions. you can even check your connection status on your phone. now it's easier than ever to manage your account. get started at (cheers and applause) >> jon: here it is, your
6:50 pm
moment of zen. >> as j.f.k. said, some men see things as they are! (laughter) and ask why! i see things that never were and ask why not! mm-mm, no, i understand. no, i'm resending the whole packet in a zip file. hello? oh-- okay. i am so overwhelmed by my job. (high heeled footsteps approaching) (80's music playing) sounds like someone needs the 80's ladies. ♪ they're 80's ladies walking with purpose ♪ ♪ they're sexy and professional ♪ ♪ 80's ladies ♪ ♪ they work in an office and date michael douglas ♪ ♪ can women really have it all ? ♪
6:51 pm
♪ 80's ladies ♪ ♪ feathered hair and leaving ♪ ♪ your baby with three strange men ♪ ♪ 80's ladies! ♪ no wonder you aren't getting any work done. you don't have a proper phone. here, try this. you can use it while you're sitting here at the desk, or... walk over to the window. better, right? want a smoke? you'll feel better. oh, no th... yeah, why not? here's the number for my analyst. he's very good. and a total stud, too. (women laugh) thanks, 80's ladies! oh, there's no area code. screw it. (all laugh) my diaphragm itches. ♪ they're 80's ladies walking with purpose ♪ ♪ they only ever wear lingerie ♪ ♪ even when they're home alone ♪ ♪ sigourney weaver! ♪ ♪