tv The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Comedy Central June 9, 2015 1:07am-1:41am PDT
it's just like i designed it! there's the miniature golf course over there! and slides, and the-- excuse me, what is this place? - isn't it wonderful? all the crack babies will have a home now. - but who paid for all this? - kyle, kyle! look. [magical music] ♪ ♪ - you don't think that-- but he isn't real. - maybe. or maybe we haven't been told such a big fib after all. children: ♪ vunter slaush kapu-sh-kuh ♪ ♪ shpealer in mein shoon-ska ♪ ♪ het vaait axl rose-a ♪ ♪ danka vunter slaush-a ♪ - he is real, you guys. children: ♪ shpealer in mein shoon-ska ♪ captioning by captionmax www.captionmax.com >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york this is the daily show with jon stewart. (cheers and applause)
captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to the daily show, my name is jon stewart. we have a good one for you tonight. my guest tonight first minister of scotland leader of the scottish nationalist party nicolea sturgeon will be joining us, very excited about that. but first june is here. really? >> you applaud june? >>. >> group of kallender fetishists in the audience. >> he's right it's june. >> i love this time of career time to check in with our regular upbeat segment jon stewart summertime news. what fun summer story are we covering tonight? >> a summer pool party in an
upscale neighborhood ends with police under fire and a texas community outrageed that pool-goers became obsessed that teenagers shodz up allegedly without a pool pass for a birthday party at a swim club. >> a police officer in texas is on administrative leave after being caught on video throwing a teenage girl to the ground. coalso be seen pointing his weapon at other teens. >> jon: how do you know from a pool party to this? when i say marco you say polo mother [bleep] say polo marco! marco! (applause) suburban pool party. how bad could it be. >> on your face! >> the young girl on the ground begs for help. (laughter) >> jon: it's pretty [bleep] bad. you know and this is maybe
the click he was telling her to get her ass on the ground and i believe it is literal leigh on the ground. in the only is he being an ass[bleep] he's redundant. >> what happened to set this up its-- it's-- its's accurate what happened to set this up so little unclear a cording to witnesses the white one a number of nonwhite young pem from another part of town showed up without permission. is that what happened? >> just wanted to clarify this. you have been going to this pool for years you have a pool pass. >> yes i have a pool pass an many of the people that lived-- that were at the pool party have a pool pass and live in the ranch. >> jon: oh that is very different. it seems like the kind of dispute that the police could sort out reasonably. >> earlier the officer could be seen chasing boys and cursing as he forced them to
the ground. >> don't make me [bleep] turn around here with po pounding of goddamn gear on in the sun because you want to screw around out here. >> jon: i have never seen a cop run through a frame and do a little parkour somersault in the manner that he did. that was some starsky and hutch [bleep] for more we go to our senior texas aquatics correspondent jeses ca williams in mckinley. >> hi, jon hello. >> jon: thank you for joining us jessica. >> no problem jon i'm just going to another pool party. (laughter) >> jon: in what appears that looks like full body armour. >> that's right or as at the call it here a mckinney bikini. >> jon: a mckinney. >> oh jon i like that. this week's incident has taught people something valuable it is that when you go to a pool party even in your neighborhood that you live in you have to know pool et can the question to
running, no splashing no talking back and if at all possible get your ass further into the ground than it is. >> jon: you know i mean this was a pool party. >> uh-huh. >> supposed to be fun water balloon super soaker. >> a water gun at a texas pool party, are you trying to get me killed? >> jon: no it's texas. people are always waving guns around. >> no white people are and they call it open carry. for black people it's called he's got a gun! he's got a gun he's got a gun! >> jon: jessica, are these things happening more and more or are we just seeing it more and more because of the prevalence of camera phones. >> i don't know but either way this incident is progress. >> jon: is-- i'm sorry,. >> what? >> jon: a cop pulled his gun out and dragged a 14-year-old girl to the ground by her hair. >> yeah, i know white people always want to touch our hair it's nothing new. jon, it's progress because a cop pulled a gun on a group
of black kids and nobody is dead. and as a show of good faith of this newera in community policing chicago has answers. >> it's a shoot-out on the streets of chicago at point-blank range. but those aren't guns they're fireworks. specifically roman candles. >> seen straight out of harry potter as fireworks light up the night. >> jon it's black kids shooting each other in chicago with harmless roman candles. although it could actually be a scene out of harry potter-- couldn't actually be a scene out of harry potter because there were black people in it. >> were there really no black kidses at hogwarts. >> there was one but-- shot him. they said he pulled out a gun but it was just a stick jon, it was just a stick. he got them confused. >> in just his defense they look very similar from the a distance. >> except one has a strand of unicorn hair in it you racist. >> jessica you love the harry potter books. >> okay, you're right i do i'm sorry i wasn't into-- went
into mode. >> i do love jk rowling. totally jk rowling. >> you know what, there are actually-- in the book of course a a member of the order of the phoenix i also really liked the casual vacancy and felt like-- . >> jon: jessica williams. >> did you know that drove through the night to be at your graduation.
what would you give someone who taught you not to be afraid of making mistakes and never expected you to be anything other than yourself. the greatest gift for someone who gave you these moments. is to give those moments back." dewar's. the most awarded blended scotch in history. hey ralph, can i have a dorito? sure, when pigs fly. ♪ hey ralph... [explosion] [rocket sound] take it. good boy. wow. sweet new subaru, huh mitch? yep. you're selling the mitchmobile!?
man, we had a lot of good times in this baby. what's your dad want for it? ..like a hundred and fifty grand, two hundred if they want that tape deck. you're not going to tell your dad about the time my hamster had babies in the backseat, are you?! that's just normal wear and tear, dude. (vo) subaru has the highest resale value of any brand... ...according to kelley blue book ...and mitch. love. it's what makes a subaru a subaru. you've heard of a "win-win," right? what about a "win-win-win"?
pick up the limited edition metallic droid turbo by motorola. water-repellent. up to 48-hour battery life and ballistic nylon back. that's your first "win." plus, it's only on verizon. the #1 network. there's your next "win." now for final "win." get $250 when you trade in any smartphone. and get 10 gigs of data for $80 a month and $15 per line. the win-win-win. a new way to save without settling. only on verizon. on his quest, jack searched the globe for a flavorful spice coveted by kings and sultans. at last, he found it. exotic black pepper. jack knew what he had to do. trade his most beloved possession. and that's how far jack went to bring you the black pepper cheeseburger. black pepper cheese and peppercorn mayo. the black pepper cheeseburger. taste it before it's gone.
this weekend candidates headed out to senate majority joni ernst first annual roast and ride barbecue and motorcycle. you can't be president until we americans see you what look like and you know this is going to get hokey. >> smell of grass being cut mel the hey being bailed. >> if you ever see a turtle on a fencepost rest assured the turtle didn't get there by his self. >> judiciary committee let me tell you one thing i've learned. it's good to have a farmer in charge of the lawyer. swrz that made no sense! you know you guys are throwing down homey words tingted and hoping they last. you know when your tracker plowing a cowboy boot you better herd on up the succotash for a corn bread wuppin' with the county fair grain elevator candidate after candidate took the stage in freshly bought corn-based clothing to
establish their formify. >> this is going to be a show-mement don't tell me election this will be one of those where we stand up and say what have you done? >> my god george w. bush lives. only now somehow he's been injected with radiated onery goat semen or something. by the way not to rain on governor perry's campaign slogan but if it is an election where you stand and say what you done that is a tell me election that is the opposite. doesn't matter. in the end it was wisconsin governor scott walker in here disguised at fonzy's sickly brother or something who won the blue ribbon for hardest pander. >> scott walker of wisconsin road in on a harley, he had the harley gloves his harley wallet. >> jon: after lunch he tk a nap in a harley oncie.
and watch walker compliment iowa store joni ernst. >> i love a senator who knows how to castrate a pig ride a hog and cut the fork from washington it-- cut the pork from washington d.c.. >> jon: she loined it here in iowa. ham hocking her beliefs does she hey government? you can bacon it. is there anyone who didn't enter this thing pretending to be a down home tracker riding pig ball cutting -- >> oh, check out marco jcrubi, o. stone cold heading into a meat and motorcycle rally in a casual button down and some relaxed fit mother [bleep] chinos! >> my mom was always terrified of motorcycles. as a little kid she used to traumatize us about them. >> jon: anyway, it is my candid walnut and water kres salad done yet because-- and
if you could steam the salmon, don't broil it. >> marco rubio is the only candidate not pandering the [bleep] out of this thing. yeah i don't like motorcycles or pigs and corn can suck it too. deep fry that and shove it up your john deere riding ass rubio 2016. but it's not just in iowa. rubeio defies convention. this is a man who refuses to shape his message to please his audience. >> we have so much more to get to. >> we do. >> and your love of wu tang clan. >> wu tang! rubio is going to put his wu tang on fox and not i don't know about those lyrics but as a fan preach the wu. >> do you have a favorite member.
>> no, i-- i don't know-- you can't pick a favorite. >> that is like early 90s stuff. >> they're still performing you are a wu tang fan and -- there are hundreds of them. >> wu tang is the only group bigger than the feel of republican candidates. if you can't think up a wu tang name just start making sounds. odds are you will hit one. >> please remember wu tang jesus. >> jesus yes. >> now the ride so ever hopefully they can refuse the he'll angel farm hand schtick they worked so hard on at whatever cattle call they are off to next. >> gop can dads will spend time in park city, utah next week with mitt romney. >> jon: who? that guy hand in your leathers the romney crowd call force something a little different. we'll be right back.
my wife is a doctor. she often has to travel for long periods of time. she's helping sick people so that they can get better. and being away from us is very difficult. i know how much these pictures mean to her. share moments as vivid as life with the nikon d-thirty-three hundred. sending pictures to your phone is so easy, we call it nikon snapbridge. i love getting these pictures. they make me feel like i'm home. the nikon d-thirty-three hundred. made for generation image. and check out the all-new nikon d-fifty-five hundred. ♪ [people talking] e occupato questo posto? [kids talking] one hundred forty-four questions per day. bryce canyon is 29 minutes from your location. ♪
right now at pizza hut, you can get any two medium pizzas for $6.99 each. choose any crust, any sauce, any toppings. so go for it, america. get any toppings. any crust flavor. anything you want. on any two medium pizzas for just $6.99 each. only at pizza hut. ♪ if you're looking for a car that drives you... ...and takes the wheel right from your very hands...
...this isn't that car. the first and only car with direct adaptive steering. ♪ the 328 horsepower q50 from infiniti. my husband, tre ponder was killed june 28, 2005 in afghanistan. my husband's death was the hardest thing i've ever faced. the special operations warrior foundation stepped in to help. now you can help, too. purchase new cherry 5-hour energy now through july 31st and a portion of each sale benefits special operations warrior foundation to help families of fallen heroes. i will always miss my dad, but thanks to special operations warrior foundation i will never feel alone. ♪
hey, what are you doing? you said you were going to find out about plenti, the new rewards program. i did. in fact, i'm earning plenti points right now. but you're not doing anything right now. lily? he's right. sign up, and you could earn plenti points just for being a wireless customer. in the meantime, i just kick back and watch the points roll in. where did you get those noodles? at&t cafeteria. you mean the break room... at&t - the only wireless carrier to be a part of plenti now when you add a new phone line to your wireless plan you get 5,000 plenti points to use in lots of places. (cheers and applause) j&j welcome back. my guest tonight is the first minister of scotland and the the leader of the scottish national party. please welcome first minister nicolea sturgeon. thank you for being here. >> thank you very much. swrz we're delighted to you
have here. >> thank you i'm delighted to be here. it is very exciting. it is a little scary. you billed me on your web site as a comedienne. >> jon: did we do that. >> you raised all these expectations that i'm going to be funny. and i'm a politician. but i do know politicians are really so funny so-- . >> jon: you need not worry. they thought i was going to be funny for 17 years. and that didn't work out either. so i think you're fine. you don't have to worry. >> the guy who is taking over your show when you depart the show is first of all coming to scotland to do the spring festival. >> jon: can i say something, one of the greatest. >> i just want you to know jon gave me a commitment backstage earlier on the next year he's coming to take part in it. (cheers and applause) >> jon: and i want you to know like a politician i
will most likely not fulfill that promise. (laughter) >> i keep my promises jon i want you to model yourself on me. >> jon: that's what is so interesting. here is what i find so interesting. so you have pledged and this is one of the reasons why first of all, the snp won, i don't know 56 out of 59 seats unprecedented. swept away. >> i answered a inquiry how come we didn't win ther three. >> jon: what you think are you saddam hussein, you get 99% 56 out of 59 is pretty good. >> always aim for more. >> jon: so it's an amazing tribute to-- here is where you lie this is the problem. >> so you have pledged for scotland greater self-determination more financial independence but now after the election, that has crashed head on with the reality that westminster still controls the purse strings still beliefs in
austerity as receipts can dwindle for the g-- gdp of scotland. may question to you is this first minister. what is hagis. what is that? why-- (laughter) why would anyone -- >> hagis is delicious. you have tasted hagis? >> jon: through a hazing yes. >> it is wonderful you know it's spicy, it's tasty absolutely delicious and you get vegetarian hagis as well. so another reason for you to come to scotland. we have so much to offer scotch whiskey hagis we've got great skinnery, we've got wonderful cities. we've got some great medias of our own but we can always have another one. >> jon: i'm happy to go there. you know what stop pitching me on scotland. let me pitch you on america. >> i love america. >> jon: i know you have a little bit of a jones for getting out of this whole united kingdom. we went through a very
similar process. let me talk you through you it. >> you were more successful although i don't think we'll try to do it your way. >> jon: let me tell you what they hate. they hate when you throw their stuff into the water. >> that's where we went wrong. >> jon: you have tried that? come and join us. come and join us. we ask offer you a tremendous amount. what are they giving you? in the u.k.. what is the health plan what are they throwing you guys what have you got. >> they are cutting our budget. >> jon: you have said that scotland is okay with that that you can become financially independent, is that -- >> of course we can be financially independent. i guess if he with-- when americans are independent of the u.k. there was all sorts of tore stories of how it would never ever work. i think you would become quite a successful independent country. so yes scotland could be a successful prosperous dynamic independent country.
scotland almost invaded the mod-- almost on base with the modern world. all of these things were inhaven'ted in scotland, of course we ask stand on our own. >> jon: any look at world history scotland is usually first mentioned. >> indeed. >> jon: it goes that and then, yes. let me ask you this what is so if you were going to make up that money as an independent scotland that wants to be nuclear free you will take away the trident, the nuclear subs where is the money going to come from. >> we've got a brilliant economy. so we are an oil-producing. we have renewable energy. >> jon: go back to the first one. >> are you about to tell me the oil prices are a bit lower. >> jon: i'm to the about to tell you that. >> we have renewable energy wind exports. >> jon: go back to the oil. >> i was moving away from the oil. >> jon: but you have oil. >> yes. >> jon: may we invade you? (laughter) >> you don't usually ask
permission. >> jon: how much can i say this, with all due respect to the scottish independence and the nationalist not the unionist, how much oil are we talking about? >> not worth your while. it's all worth my while. >> i think this is progress because presumably on behalf of the you are not asking permission to invade an oil producing company t doesn't usually work that way. (applause) >> jon: how difficult has this battle been with nationalists and unionists has it -- is it a red blue divide like we have here has it gotten-- i know it has on twitter. have you thought about seceding twitter. >> i think about it almost ef reday. >> jon: i think you should. it can get rough trade. how does that go is it similar to sort glasgow is the hub of the nationalist
the rurals are more unionist. >> glad gow was 50%-- you know what we hurtle insults at each other on twitter occasionally but the independent referendum was entirely democratic. it was peaceful and it had an amazing legacy in scotland. in scotland we're actually now really interested in politics. imagine that. people actually want to vote in elections. they want to get involved. they want to get a politician on the spot and make sure that we're-- it is a fantastic thin am democracy is really-- by it. >> our dem sock-- democracy here is so strong that we don't even need to pay attention to it. it's so powerful really 20 30% of us can vote. and carry it through. will you stick around a little bit. we'll talk foreign policy. all right. first minister of scotland we'll be right back.
when you get up to 50% off thousands of hotels with travelocity it means you can also afford to get up to 50% epic-er epic rides. making it the place to find a place for summer escapes. go and smell the roses. can 7up ten pack full 7up flavor into only ten calories? well if you can pack five seasons of your favorite show into just one weekend... pack this much heat into one wing... this much drama into one friend...
and pack this much girlie into one man... then, yes, 7up ten can pack full 7 up flavor into only ten calories. that's the power of ten. also packed in these brands. some cash back cards make things so complicated. they limit where you earn bonus cash back ... here's the way i see it, you are point a, and your cash back is point b. the simple way between them,
the quicksilver card from capital one. quicksilver earns you unlimited 1.5% cash back... on every purchase, everywhere. i said... unlimited. everywhere. now, that's more like it. what's in your wallet? this is brian. every day, brian drives carefully to work. and every day brian drives carefully to work, there are rate suckers. he's been paying more for car insurance because of their bad driving
for so long, he doesn't even notice them anymore. but one day brian gets snapshot from progressive. now brian has a rate based on his driving, not theirs. get snapshot and see just how much your good driving could save you. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ [ male announcer ] give extra. get extra. woman: it's been a journey to get where i am. and i didn't get here alone. there were people who listened along the way. people who gave me options. kept me on track. and through it all my retirement never got left behind. so today, i'm prepared for anything we may want tomorrow to be. every someday needs a plan. let's talk about your old 401(k) today.
on his quest, jack searched the globe for a flavorful spice coveted by kings and sultans. at last, he found it. exotic black pepper. jack knew what he had to do. trade his most beloved possession. and that's how far jack went to bring you the black pepper cheeseburger. black pepper cheese and peppercorn mayo. the black pepper cheeseburger. taste it before it's gone.
>> jon: that's all for us. larry willmore at the mightily know show what is happening. >> hey how are you doing. >> nba finals last night right? >> larry: i was social sighted i could barely contain myself jon. >> the way lebron shot all those shots, it was so great. >> jon: what did you think of that last play? >> last-- the last-- the last play was classic last play. man. i just loved it. >> jon: you didn't watch the game at all did you. you watched the tonys. >> larry: yes jon i love theater, i can't help it! i can't help it jonment i had to support pie girl helen mirren, jon. she is amazing swrz i know larry wilmore