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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  June 24, 2015 1:40am-2:14am PDT

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>> welcome back. >> he doesn't want to accept that there is a channel that will criticize him. i realize that many people feel it's too much it's too much criticism. but really has fox news been proven wrong on every single subject. that's what the we wants you to believe that fox news just invents, you know stories and that's what
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>> larry: tonightly -- during a news broadcast, don lemon held up a sign with the "n" word on it. here's another "n" word for you, don. no!! (laughter) diddy is arrested reportedly for hitting someone with a kettle bell. (laughter) that's the first hit diddy's been a part of in 20 years. (laughter) (applause) and a california lawmaker says that abortions cause drought. that's ludacris, who also has more hits than diddy in the past 20 years. (laughter) this is "the nightly show"! let's do this! (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ♪ (cheers and applause)
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>> larry: thank you very much. welcome to "the nightly show." thank you very much. such a great audience. i'm larry wilmore. we've got a great one for you tonight. joe morton, papa pope from "scandal" is here. (cheers and applause) very exciting. papa pope in the house. very exciting. okay. tonight we begin in my home state of california, where fire crews are battling a 17,000-acre blaze. what's worse, california is in the worst drought in its history. okay. seems like a good time for larry wilmore to update the california drought in a segment we're calling "larry wilmore updates the california drought." ♪ ♪ >> larry: very nice guys. very clever. (laughter) that's nice. (laughter) all right. so this drought is a huge deal. right? and everyone's weighing in.
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including a state legislator from bakersfield, who offered her thoughts on god's opinion of the drought. >> assembly member sharon grove believes the drought represents god's wrath over abortion. the article quoted grove as saying texas was in a long period of drought until governor perry signed the fetal pain bill. the quote continues. it rained that night. now god has his hold on california. (laughter) >> larry: wait. god still does weather punishments? (laughter) that's so old testament. (laughter) jesus, god! join the 21st century. (laughter) i mean you really want to get people to listen about abortion? reset everyone's instagram followers to zero. (laughter) okay? i'm listening now. (laughter) recently officials were saying -- this is true. the state had about a year's supply of water left. this is the situation on the ground in the tiny town of mountain house california. >> in just two days, a town in
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central california could run out of water. mountain house lost its only supplier last week when the state ordered he is veer cuts to save water during the historic drought. >> larry: #cliffhanger! (laughter) but hark! good news for the town of mountain house. they're not going to run out of water after all! that's right. on monday town officials disclosed a deal that would supply mountain house with water. wait, through the end of the year? woo! so cannonball! break out the slip and slides! last one in is a total conservationist. (laughter) but it's okay. if there's one good thing we took away from the iraq war, it's our new american slogan: "let's just wing this and everything will work out fine." (laughter) (cheers and applause) seriously. (applause) i am curious, though.
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how are some towns six months away from not having water? hasn't california been rationing? everybody's pulling together. right? >> california's historic drought, rich people in some towns, notably rancho santa fey, argue they can use as much water as they want because they can pay for it. >> larry: you have to be [ bleep ] kidding me. (laughter) look, i can pay for a mcrib sandwich all yearlong, but unless it's available right now, i'm not getting it. (laughter) it's that simple, right? it's basic mcrib-onomics. (laughter) i don't know. so -- all right. so maybe they're using a little more water, but by and large you would think people in rancho santa fe are still basically conserving, right? wrong. in april, after governor jerry brown called for a 25% reduction in water use, consumption in rancho santa fe went up by 9%. [ audience boos ] 9%! it's a good thing he didn't call for a 50% reduction.
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(laughter) i don't understand this at all. the only way it might make sense is that rich people take more luxurious baths. that's just science, right? (laughter) but that can't account for the 9%. that'll only get you to about 3. well, what do the actual residents say about this? >> one resident in rancho santa fe telling "the post," "we're not all equal when it comes to water." (laughter) >> larry: "we're note all equal when it comes to water"? i think if there's anything that we are actually completely all equal on -- (laughter) -- there should be absolutely no debate. it is water, unless you're michael phelps or aquaman. (laughter) i think we need to know more. here to give his side of the story, please welcome a resident of rancho santa fe, terry provost. (cheers and applause)
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thanks for coming to the show, terry. so how you are doing? >> i'm livid, larry. (laughter) >> larry: wait. you're livid when the wealthy are refusing to do their fair share? >> no, i'm livid that that's the narrative being portrayed in the media. (laughter) it's a lie. larry, i don't think rich people should be watering their lawn. >> larry: oh, really? i didn't know that. >> rich people should hire someone to do it. (laughter) >> larry: hold on. wait. how is that better? your lawn is still getting wet. >> larry, it's trickle-down economics. literally. i hire a poor person to water my lawn. i hire another poor person to water my shrubs. i hire a third poor person to sculpt my shrubs in the shape of an elephant. (laughter) >> larry: it sounds like you're using a lot of water. that is waste. >> hey, don't yell at me. yell at the illegal filling up my pool. (laughter) >> larry: hold on. that's a horrible thing to say.
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if we keep this up, no one will have any water. >> first off, poor people don't need much water, because they're filthy. and second -- >> larry: wait, wait, wait. no no, no. no second. (laughter) no and second on that. let's stay on the first. they're filthy? >> let me finish, larry. arry: all right. and second, they don't play tennis, so i can't imagine that they get thirsty. (laughter) >> larry: i can't believe you're saying this. poor people still need drinking water. >> okay. well, we're prepared to install separate "water gathering stations" for the wealthy and the less fortunate. (laughter) >> larry: wait. hold on. no. that's horrible! (laughter) i mean, as a man of color, how can you be in favor of separate water fountains? >> hold on. this isn't a black/white thing. that's racist. >> larry: yes. this is a rich or poor thing. totally different. (laughter) >> larry: clearly, you just don't care. >> take that back! i'm working tirelessly to bring attention to the drought and to
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let poor people know they need tpd!onserve. >> larry: but it's more than poor people who need to conserve! >> no, it's just them. (laughter) now, in the spirit of last year's successful a.l.s. ice bucket challenge, i ask you all to join me -- >> larry: what are you doing? to join my "drought water bucket" challenge to raise awareness, larry. >> larry: wait, wait. (laughter) (cheers and applause) no, no no. raise awareness? awareness that you're wasting water? (laughter) >> i challenge you! (cheers and applause) now, go out there and conserve water, poor people! (laughter) >> larry: you should have to drink all of that water. terry provost, everyone. we'll be right back.
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(cheers and applause) >> larry: thank you very much. thank you very much. welcome back. very excited tonight because i'm introducing a new segment we're calling "calm down." >> calm down! (laughter) >> larry: very good. okay. so who needs to calm down tonight? oh, don lemon! very good. (laughter) very good. in the wake of president obama using the "n" word on marc maron's podcast the other day this is how the lemon started his show last night. >> does this offend you? this word? (laughter) >> larry: wow. you went literal race card, don. (laughter) right? oh, my god. (laughter). (cheers and applause) woo, woo. and, by the way, that is a very impressive card. right? (laughter) and kudos to the cnn prop closet just to have that at the ready. (laughter)
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"can someone snag me that nigger card? we're talking about race! yeah, yeah. it's alphabetized. it shouldn't be that difficult. it's right behind mick." there you go. there you go. (laughter) don, you want to see what really offends me? (laughter) (cheers and applause) (laughter) don lemon, i know you're still mad because that lady in charleston yelled at you. >> this shouldn't happen to anyone. the whole thing that we have been talking about terrorism are not. and i think it is -- it is terrorism. by any stretch of the imagination. you can imagine that people are upset. >> we're angry. but, you know we're going to continue -- >> larry: [ bleep ]. (laughter) >> larry: but don cornelius lemon -- calm down! >> calm down!
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larry: okay. now i have to say, here at "the nightly show," we were all very impressed that cnn gotten a "n" word -- got an "n" word sign printed up so quickly. so using our state-of-the-art re-enactment technology, we would now like to share with you that great moment in cable news history when some cnn intern was asked to go down to the local copy place -- (laughter) -- and ask for an "n" word sign. (laughter) (laughter) >> hey, can i help you? thank god. i need a -- (laughter) a sign -- >> gotta go. hey, can i help you? no. i'm cool. >> comecome on. i understand. don't want the sign to say it. i don't want this.
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but i need a sign, and it needs to say on the sign n-n -- it needs to say n-n -- nope. this is the worst word you can think of. >> cancer! no. (laughter) >> cancer's fine. no cancer's not fine. you're right. this is a sign that needs to say a word and that word is one word and that word rhymes with winnie the pooh's friend. (laughter) >> okay. let me guess. you need a giant sign that says nigger. am i right? >> yes, please. [ bleep ] white people. (laughter) >> we need another one. (laughter) >> larry: we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) when francois thibault said he was going to make vodka in cognac with spring water and the best french wheat. everyone here said... non, non!
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but little by little the world got to love what he had made. grey goose, francois? the extraordinary belongs to those who make it. what do you think? when i first sit in the seat it makes me think of a bmw. i feel like i'm in a lexus. you would think that this was a brand new audi. it's like a luxury car. feels kind of like an infinity. very similar to a range rover. this is pretty high tech. yeah it is. it reminds me of a mercedes. ♪ this is chevy? laughing i have a new appreciation for chevy. they thought about me. i could totally rock this. this thing feels pretty boss. it looks kind of dope. that's pretty cool.
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this is the jam. pretty bomb dude. maybe i will go chevy. i'm definitely in. ♪ only t-mobile has america's best unlimited 4g lte family plan. that's right. the best in the game. 2 lines of unlimited 4g lte data for a 100 bucks a month. and for a plan this big, you want a killer phone. get the lg g4 for $0 down. add lines for only 40 bucks a pop. so give your carrier the boot. get the lg g4 and full speed 4g lte data that really is unlimited. switch to t-mobile today.
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♪ carbs to compete
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♪ electrolytes to replenish. ♪ everything you need to keep sweating. ♪ (cheers and applause) >> larry: welcome back. i'm here with my panel. he's a comedian and the executive producer here at "the nightly show," rory albanese. (cheers and applause) comedian and writer on comedy central's "broad city," naomi ekperigin. (cheers and applause) and he plays rowan pope on the smash hit "scandal" and you can catch his new show "proof" tuesdays on tnt, actor joe morton. (cheers and applause) all right. let me just get to it. we talked a little bit about this last night. in the wake of the church
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shootings and everything and the confederate flag. the flag is still flying high at the state capitol. they say they want to take it down, but it's like padlocked. (laughter) what i don't understand, why do you think it's so hard for people who know that this is racist and degrading and everything to let go of it? why do people have to hang on to that? >> i mean, i think when you have a systemized sort of way that you're going to run your life and a part of that is pride or false pride or whatever you want to call it, you hang on to all the symbols that represent that. and i think to bring that flag down means that they lose. they lost it several decades ago, but -- >> larry: right you mean 100 some odd -- >> some odd years ago. right. (laughter) i think that's the problem. this may be the last investage of this this they don't want to lose it. >> larry: all that's left is "gone with the wind."
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>> as you say it's gone with the wind. >> larry: exactly. (laughter). >> well, i think it's also because if you have to think about, you know what that flag has meant to -- now you got a lot of questions you got to answer. you know? you got to lock at yourself why did we do that? you know and that's a sad moment for anybody. >> larry: yeah right. i think it's sad that it takes something this horrible just to open people's eyes, because i thought people were a little too cavalier about it, putting it on trucks and wearing it on your head -- >> i also think too if you're on the owning side of slavery, like it wasn't that bad. it was a really good time for you. you know what i mean? (laughter) if -- so if you're from that past of the south, talk about it being padlocked too, i keep thinking, the reason they can't take it down and, like the whole war was based on fact people don't like to do work for themselves. (laughter). >> waiting for somebody else. that free labor. (laughter). >> so they can get a guy with a key. nobody wants to do it.
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(laughter). >> it's crazy because there's so many black people who would do it for them. do it! >> lot of white people would too. >> true, true. it gives them permission to do that, right? if the flag is waving above the state capitol building, then parading it in my pickup truck and my license plate around the city, all that says is you have permission to do that. >> larry: how do you feel about that? because amazon, ebay, wal-mart said they aren't going to sell any of that but in the last week or so, sales soared at all of those places. (laughter) confederate, i call it racist kitsch. (laughter) i mean what is up with that? this is [ bleep ] america man. what is up with that? do people think it's going to go away we -- >> a collector's item. you're worried you're not going to get one anymore so i better get a bunch. >> oh, my gosh. they're going fast. you remember when obama got elected, everybody started buying guns because they thought
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it was gonna be hard to get guns. we better start buying guns i think we're good on guns. >> it's because the most powerful man in the country was black and in charge of the military. (laughter). >> i got to get a 21. good point. (laughter) >> i got worried. now i'm worried. >> confederate flags are the new beanie babies right? we gotta get 'em while they're hot, give them to your grandma bequeath them to your children. that's a college fund. i'm gonna get some. >> i do loaf the idea -- love the idea of what you said about the pride. it's weird that -- you feel like the seahawks jersey after the super bowl. yeah, we did it! >> they lost. right. (laughter). (applause). >> i never understood where that pride comes from. what is that pride? >> it feels like they -- larry: what is the pride exactly for? >> i think they turn off the civil war in the third quarter.
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(laughter) they're like we got this. you know what you mean? and nobody told them. (laughter) >> i think this country -- t's that weird thing. it feels like when you see kids in haiti wearing the loser's shirts because they printed them for like the super bowl and they say, we print them too many. >> really? that's thing. you'll see like -- (laughter) i'm not lying about this. you'll see kids in poor countries wearing shirts that say things like seahawks world champions. and they're like oh, crap they didn't win, send them to haiti. i feel like that's where all the confederate flags should go. you know? (cheers and applause) >> no, not to haiti. really? but if you can use it -- [ bleep ] if you can use it to build -- thought we'd do -- since we have papa pope from "scandal" -- (laughter) -- how would papa pope handle this confederate flag
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controversy? oh, i love this -- you don't mind getting into character and -- >> well, what i can say is i can only guess how papa pope would do this. so i'll give it -- >> lay it on us. papa pope, everybody! (cheers and applause) >> if he were speaking to someone who wanted to raise the confederate flag, he would probably start off by saying something to the effect of, you were so funny funny people. for you it's always summertime and the livin' is easy. your mama's rich and your mama's got lookin'. you're a confederate, a proud southern white boy. your bible in your hand and a shotgun in your pickup truck. a southern white boy, with the shame of slavery runnin' through your veins. you are a bigot. i am a black man. i have worked and scraped for
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every inch of dirt i walk on. you cried yourself to sleep 'cause lincoln hurt your feelings. (laughter) (cheers and applause) you backwoods, sheet-wearing cross-burning, honky [ bleep ]. (cheers and applause) you lose the war and all you want to do is make my people pay for it. you think you love this country. what you love is that corruption of the red, white and blue you call valor. what you love is the satisfaction that mess brings when people feel they need to give that flag some credence. like it stands for something more than hate. fighting about whether to tear it down from atop your state building or not you are a bigot. and i am disappointed in the way you treat my country. >> larry: whoa! (cheers and applause) that is papa pope, everybody. we'll be right back! (cheers and applause) papa pope.
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>> larry: if you live in the new york city area or planning to visit, get some free tickets to an upcoming taping of "the nightly show." the show tapes monday through thursday. for complete details go to
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i am rich. on the grounds of my estate, i hob nob with the glitterati and play equestrian sports. out on the veranda, we enjoy finger sandwiches and other assorted dainties. i wear nothing less than the finest designer footwear. wherever i go, the paparazzi capture my every move. yes, i am rich. that's why i drink the champagne of beers.
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challenge. (cheers and.(cheers and applause) i want to thank our panelists. >> larry: that's our show. i want to thank our panelists -- rory albanese, naomi ekperigin, and joe morton. don't forget to check out facebook and follow us on twitter and instagram to keep track of everything we're doing online. and join me tomorrow night when talib kweli joins me on panel. goodnightly, everyone! (cheers and applause)


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