Skip to main content

tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  June 26, 2015 1:07am-1:41am PDT

1:07 am
here we have a gif, also known as a jif. i can't wait to see this. she's got a big mouth. big mouth! oprah spread eagle. ugh, too bad there's no gif for that. huh? okay, boo and a pic. doesn't scare me. i'm ready to be a father. "i'm an anti-rape feminist blogger. #boo." what would be scary is if there was a pro-rape feminist blogger. and the winner for the scariest tweet is... ah! ah! renee zellweger. and if you don't think it's interesting that renee zellweger no longer looks like renee zellweger, kindly [bleep] off. good night! captioning sponsored by comedy central
1:08 am
from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome to the "the daily show." we have a good show tonight. one of our favorite, one of our favorites ben with us from the beginning of the program, all the way through a young richard lewis will be joining us on the program. ( cheers and applause ) why dont we start the show with the opposite of said richard lewis. the pope. ( laughter ) the head of the jewish church, head of the catholic church, the vicar of christ, number one on god's speed dial. 1.2 billion worshipers hanging
1:09 am
on the pope's every word, and guess what, the word just came down. >> pope francis issued a nearly 200-page document, casting climate change as a moral issue, not simply a political or economic debate. >> jon: oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy oh boy! a 200-page-- ( applause ) 200-page moral treatoise climate change, and just in time for beach season! ( laughter ) what a great read down at l.b.i. i hope it's in the original... the pope is weighing in on the sides take action against climate change. it's a lot for the catholic church to take a environmental stance but buddhism is a religion obsessed with recycling. oh! boom! boom! oh, snap! no, you didn't!
1:10 am
oh ( bleep ). ( cheers and applause ) that's doesn't usually get a the lot of enthusiasm. not to say the vatican is being a popey-come-lately to this. they recognized climate change for a long time. >> the vatican claims it was among the first institutions to believe that global warming is caused by human activity. the vatican's pontifical academy of sciences was the first exclusive scientific academy in the world. among its first members was galileo galilei. ( laughter ) >> jon: i don't know if you really want to list galileo as one of your references. ( laughter ) the catholic church? yeah i remember-- they were lovely people convicted me of
1:11 am
heresy, and sentenced me to house arrest for the last nine years of my life. otherwise very forward thinking. tell me more about this magic hand i'm talking into it. here in the america, the republican party has traditionally been pretty pope-pope. ( laughter ) pretty pro-pope. sharing as they do a yearning for the simpler morality of 15th century. but now that the pope has gone rogue, how they gonna handle it? >> joe barton, the senior republican on the energy and commerce committee, says he doesn't consider the pope an expert on environmental issues. >> the pope should stay with his job and let us stay with ours. >> jon: that is his job. it's the biggest job of the pope is to tell people when they're being bad. that's why he dresses like a big wet blanket. barton and inhofe who cares about those guys. rick santorum was so catholic
1:12 am
he was an altar boy until about six weeks ago. he's so catholic, his crucifix wears a crucifix. >> i think that probably we're better off leaving science to the scientists and focusing on what we do-- what we're really good at, which is-- which is-- which is theexpolg morality. >> jon: oh, yeah no just leave the science to the scientists. by the way-- ( laughter ) what do the scientists who have an overwhelming consensus about global warming say about global warming even republican upon front-runner jeb bush is chafing at the pope. >> i don't get economic policy from my-- from my bishops or my cardinals or from my pope. i think religion ought to be about making us better as people and less about things that end up getting into the political realm. >> jon: yeah, religion is about making us better people. politics is about bringing out
1:13 am
our worst. and i think we ought to keep those things-- this is weird, because jeb seems very in favor of church and state at least at last week's freedom coalition. >> our faith and moral traditions, it is really the moral foundation of our country, the greatest country on the face of the earth. this conscience should also be respected when people of faith want to take a stand for traditional marriage. >> jon: oh, so there it's okay. perhaps maybe people would be more for preventing global warming if we referred to it as taking a stand for preserving traditional sea levels. it's adam and eve. not-- i think that would work. >> as the bible says, it is adam and eve not adam and... ( laughter ) republicans reacting to the pope's honest call for environmental consciousness with hostility is not the way to go, and the pope lays down the doctrine like this, there is only one force on earth powerful
1:14 am
enough to sway him. >> exxon has sent a senior lobbyist and another executive over to rome. >> exxon has been lobbying the vatican over the pope's climate change message. >> jon: ah they've appealed to a higher authority than god. ( laughter ) and so in the-- in the words of our lord and savior, jesus christ drill baby drill. we'll be right back.
1:15 am
♪ brighten up the afternoon with happier hour at taco bell. dollar drinks and freezes everyday from 2 to 5pm. only at taco bell. ♪ ♪all i do is drive, drive, drive♪ ♪try to stay alive♪ ♪and keep my mind on my load♪ ♪keep my eye upon the road♪ ♪ okay guys, we've got two cars here. we're going to start watching a movie in the chevy malibu. ♪ (kids laughing) he's flying ok guys, pause the movie we're going to watch the rest in the toyota camry. hit play again ehhh. what happened? you can't watch the movie. ugh... no network connection. who wants to go back in the chevy malibu? me! let's go! peace out! chevrolet. the first and only car company to bring built-in 4g lte wi-fi to cars, trucks and crossovers. this is cool. yeah.
1:16 am
are you up for whatever? don't answer. grab a bud light and show it. try new things make new friends explore new places. find the fun around every corner. better yet, be the fun. laugh. dance. spin. jump! make a single weekend last a lifetime. and keep it going with a crisp refreshing bud light. the perfect beer for whatever happens. only t-mobile has america's best unlimited 4g lte family plan. 2 lines of unlimited 4g lte data for a 100 bucks a month. need a phone with that? get the lg g4 for $0 down. switch to t-mobile today.
1:17 am
( cheers and applause ). >> jon: welcome back. 2016 g.o.p. is filling up faster than the toilets at arby's. who-- ( laughter ) who is it going to be today? >> louisiana governor bobby jindal is the latest candidate expected to throw his hat in the ring. >> jon: sure why not, give pataki somebody to talk to. ( laughter ) , of course, the bar for presidential announcements has
1:18 am
been set pretty high. there was ben carson's announcement at the grammys. donald trump descending like zeus. maybe my favorite image in the history of images. jindal you're going to to crank it up to 11 to tom topthat, i figured a bald eagle where you sing a duet with carrie underwood with an eagle on sax, paint an american flag gun across the sky. i miep, hit me, bobby. let me see the big announcement video. >> mommy and daddy have been talking a lot about this. we have decide we are going to be running for president. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> jon: i am not a political scientist. i am, obviously not a campaign
1:19 am
manager. i believe a sign that your campaign may be in trouble when you cannot carry a majority of your immediate family. ( laughter ) ( applause ) i mean that wasn't even-- even the one guy gave a thumbs up. i'm not even sure that was a thumbs up for dad. it was more like who's got two thumbs and is vote february rubio? this guy. ( laughter ) governor jindal these videos when you drop a surprise on your kids are all about the reaction. that's why people watch these videos. you ever been on youtube you'd know this is how that video should have played. >> we have decide we are going to be running for president. >> are you joking? >> no, i'm not joking. >> oh, my god! >> oh, my god! >> oh my god! ( shrieking ). >> jon: that's all you have to do. less of the jibber-jabber. let them run in. it turns out jindal's kids
1:20 am
found his presidential announcement lesinteresting than, literally, everything else in the back backyard. >> there's a turtle over there. >> yes. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: turtle, huh? there was a turtle there. let me see the reverseangole this alleged-- son of a bitch. are you having a family meeting? ( laughter ) is there going to be a barbecue? here's where jindal really shows he knows kids, as well as he knows voters. >> maybe you'll get a chance if you behave to go back to iowa. would you like that?
1:21 am
if you behave. would that be worth behaving for? >> jon: you know the other kid's like "so if we don't behave..." ( laughter ) "we don't have to go to iowa. ( applause ) one quick question-- "may i have your car keys some gasoline, and g.t.a. 5?" i almost wish jindal had a chance. we could see how president jindal would negotiate with putin. "now vladimir, you pull out of ukraine you're going to get to go back to iowa. you would like that, wouldn't you? wouldn't a nice colonel dog be worth pulling out of ukraine?" let's be honest bobby is what you call a long shot. the field is crowded. the republicans republicans are are going to need japanese subway pushers. jindal is one of nine potential republican candidates polling
1:22 am
under 5%. that's the margin of error. ( laughter ) ( applause ) technically, nine of these candidates could be losing to a bowl of regurgitated grape fruit. jindal's only chance to pull ahead would be to deal some solid slams to the democratic front-runner, and there ain't much meat left on that bone. >> when hillary clinton travels there's going to need to be two planes, one for her and her ept raj and one for her baggage. >> the clinton political machine. >> she wasn't transparent about benghazi. she clearly is not trustworthy. >> there is a certain sense they think they're above the law. >> just listening to her is something out of north korea. ♪ if you stare at her she will turn you to stone. ♪ she is the devil incarnate ♪ all right bobby, hillary is a scheming inside the belt way
1:23 am
dictator. what have you got? >> i'm going to say this slowly so even hillary clinton can understand this. >> jon: nobody thinks she's dumb, dude. that's what you're going twoog? well, hopefully, you'll have a rivetting reality show pilot to fall back on. ( laughter ) we'll be right back. ♪ how's it progressing with the prisoner? he'll tell us everything he knows very shortly, sir.
1:24 am
as you were... where were we? 13 serving 14! service! if your boss stops by, you act like you're working. it's what you do. if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. it's what you do. when francois thibault said he was going to make vodka in cognac with spring water and the best french wheat. everyone here said... non, non! but little by little the world got to love what he had made. grey goose, francois? the extraordinary belongs to those who make it.
1:25 am
share your nachos? sharing. since you were a kid, it's been share this, share that. share your toys, share the bathroom share the road share your feelings. share selfies, share baby pictures, so many baby pictures. share, share, over-share! when does the sharing stop?! how about with the grilled stuft nacho from taco bell? the first nachos designed not to be shared. it's everything you love about nachos wrapped up and ready to go for $1.49. oh, and don't share this ad. [bong!] to create a more advanced vehicle, you use the most innovative technology available. to craft a more luxurious vehicle, you use the most skilled hands on earth. like ones that spend 38 days creating a lexus ls steering wheel. or 2,000 hours calibrating an available mark levinson audio system. the high-tech, handcrafted lexus ls. luxury, uncompromised. this is the pursuit of perfection.
1:26 am
what about a "win-win-win"? pick up the limited edition metallic droid turbo by motorola. water-repellent. up to 48-hour battery life. that's your first "win." plus, it's only on verizon. the #1 network. there's your next "win." now for final "win." get $250 when you trade in any smartphone. and get 10 gigs of data for $80 a month and $15 per line. the win-win-win. hurry in, offer ends june 30th. and save without settling. only on verizon. ♪ ♪ ♪ summer never looked so good. ♪ bud light lime® - same 100% natural lime flavor in a new bottle. summer on.
1:27 am
( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome back. my guest tonight, he is in his
1:28 am
45th year as a stand-up comedian. good friend of the show. his upcoming series for starz is called "blunt talk." >> what's holding you back from meeting a woman? >> my track record. i'm afraid to start something new. all my relationships end in pain. >> did that stop elizabeth taylor? no. so i give you permission to meet someone new and not worry about the future. >> are you suggesting i should behave like elizabeth taylor? >> yes. a messy life is a good life. >> jon: welcome back to the program, richard lewis! ( cheers and applause ) >> nice to see you. how are you? >> all right we have 300-- thank you, that was very sweet of you. this is my 17th year on the show. that's it.
1:29 am
thank you very much. >> jon: no. so much to talk about. >> well, we don't have -- >> how you have been? >> how do you like me being a psychiatrist? >> jon: i can't imagine you finding the motivation for that character. >> it was very easy. i went from one bald genius, larry david, to another bald genius. that was it. >> jon: but what do you know of psychiatry? how do you tap into that to play that character? >> well, i-- are you out of your ( bleep ) mind? >> jon: i believe i was being facetious. >> i know you. and the pope-- i'm sorry he comescomes -- i'm a spiritual guy but thairnd put-- in the hotel-- i was just in a hotel-- i gotta tell you i'm all over the place because i miss you and you're going to have the biggest wet dream during the primaries of all time. we're going to miss him during those primaries, am i write, or am i ( bleep ) wrong? >> jon: it will be fine. it will be fine. >> no no, it's not going to be fine. >> jon: all right. >> but the pope-- i'm sorry, i disagree-- i'm a spiritual guy
1:30 am
catholic, good good good. you know when i step in dog ( bleep ) -- >> you said pope and wet dream. who brings that up? >> maybe i'm a hoax. maybe i'm a hoax. and maybe i introduced him 30 years ago on cable. >> jon: richard lewis was the host of-- it was a comic special, i was 24-- >> and you looked like me back then. you were 10 and i was about 21. >> jon: i keep vug back on the show to find out what i'm going to look like. ( applause ) i keep bringing you on-- i am bringing you on right now to go, "all right i'll be fine." >> better than that. i could have gone to woodstock but it was drizzling and i stayed home. okay. ( laughter ) but i went to a lot of stuff when i was 16 and 17. now if i had ( bleep ) anybody in that mud he could have been my son and it would have been unbelievable. ( cheers and applause ) i love you -- >> can i tell you something? >> it's your show. >> jon: that was nicer than anything my real father ever said to me.
1:31 am
here's the nicest thing my father ever said to me-- "you're like something that happened when i ( bleep ) something in the mud." >> no, but you would have been my son and i would have been proud of you but i would have asked you for one thing-- money. >> jon: do you remember the first thing eye met you at caroline's. i opened for you at caroline's when it was seaport. >> in the middle laities. >> jon: middle late 80s. do you remember the first thing you said to me? >> yeah you could have been my son if i ( bleep ) somebody in the mud. >> jon: the first thing richard lewis said to me-- and i was a huge fan and remain a huge fan-- "i have terrible diarrhea." thoolings the first line you said to me. >> i'm sorry. >> jon: noose okay. there was no green room. i was going to put my coat back and i had my coat up on the hook and all of a sudden i hear from the corner "i have terrible diarrhea." >> let me tell you something, about nine months ago i did the fallon show. two nights before i had food
1:32 am
poisoning. my wife was with me-- you can't go on because no matter what i've done in my career, if i would have taken a dump, it would have been wikipedia. he ( bleep ) on the fallon show. >> jon: i'm going to do you a favor. >> can i finish. >> jon: let me do you a favor. >> can't i finish the story. i have 25 secondses. >> jon: you can finish when i do the favor. wikipedia take care of that for him. they're going to write it down for you. >> i'll do it fast. because i hate-- in the middle of the sentence you go, "richard lewis, everybody. and i could get a stroke. i'm in my 60s. >> jon: you're in your 60s. >> i'm in my-- pleads. >> jon: you look terrible. ( laughter ) 60s. >> i shaved for you. i even-- i dressed up. >> jon: when you came out, i swear to god i thought the bible has come alive. i had no-- 60s. >> and why do they always put the bible in the hotel room?
1:33 am
i want a jewish delicatessen takeout order on the other side. i kid the mormons but i don't care about the salt lake. i want a pastrami sandwich. anyway, i had a stomach bug-- and you know you are on the toilet for -- >> what did you have? >> food poisoning. and my said wife said you can't go on fallon. and my publicist-- we're not cancelling. the show must go on. i said to my wife do me a favor. get me extend. in case it happens, no one will know. fallon could have been like a porcupine. she got me like this calf-- they come out with calvin klein-- can i stand up? you put the calvin klein in and it sicks your stomach in like a girdle so i look like a ( bleep ) million dollars. so they said, "ladies and gentlemen, mr. lewis." "how are you?"
1:34 am
i told my wife-- i did the show, it went well. and then i went out and snuck out and bought 12 pair so the whole trip in new york, my wife's friends, "he looks ( bleep ) great for 60." ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers ). >> a minute and a half. >> jon: no but that is, in terms of a billboard in times square for calvin klein. richard lewis in his depends. >> thanks for showing that clip. thanks for showing the blunt talk thing. it's in august. >> jon: you have a book. >> i have a book. >> jon: "reflections from hell." >> a genius new york guy, illustrated my madness. i never realized how ( bleep ) i was. >> jon: you never realized how ( bleep ) you were. >> not until i saw this book. >> jon: why didn't you call me. i could have told you. >> you know what kills me about the pope. i disagree with most of it, but he'll come out there will be a million people in the have the--
1:35 am
whatever that meengz. i don't know what that means. it means he's waiting for a pass. come on, i got a ♪ shot. >> jon: no! where's my purell. you know that. >> but he'll say this and walk back, and, like he'll say something hip, and the next day he'll say you can't have an abortion, all the negative stuff that we don't necessarily believe in. when you say exg political-- like on twitter, "you're the funniest ( bleep ) you're the jaeft." and i say one progressive thing, "you jew mother blooip." >> jon: the book is called "reflexes." >> thanks for shining a light on all the hypocrisy. >> jon: richard lewis
1:36 am
when you're tired, a great tasting 5-hour energy is just the thing. but what if you're tired and thirsty? w-water. precisely! delicious and refreshing. ♪ ♪ wow, that tastes amazing. that's really good. drink it straight or sip it slow. have you tried great tasting 5-hour energy lately? hey, you want to share a cab? no, i'm good.
1:37 am
you think he's having a party? honey, you're always so suspicious. tostitos cantina chips? it's not just a party! it's a fiesta grande! right, claire? vo: nothing brings pe ople together like tostitos cantina chips. tostitos. bring the party.
1:38 am
at subway, we begin with freshly-baked-bread; then combine tender turkey-breast, with robust, spicy, melty italian favorites; adding a splash of our new subway vinaigrette. the magnificent new turkey italiano melt. only at subway. only t-mobile has america's best unlimited 4g lte family plan. that's right. the best in the game. 2 lines of unlimited 4g lte data for a 100 bucks a month. and for a plan this big, you want a killer phone. get the lg g4 for $0 down. add lines for only 40 bucks a pop. so give your carrier the boot. get the lg g4 and full speed 4g lte data that really is unlimited. switch to t-mobile today.
1:39 am
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ( groan ) i'm starving. we've been compromised! don't let hunger kill your game. hot pockets brings you new snack bites. bite-size hot pockets sandwiches with 100% real cheese. guy's i'm back! new snack bites from... ♪hot pockets♪ ( cheers and applause ). >> jon: that's our show. before we go, i wanted to tell you real quick, starting tomorrow, we are going to start streaming over 2,000 episodes of this program from the very first one i did, all the way in.
1:40 am
it's going to take 42 days. and it's going to continue up until august 6, and i don't want to-- look, we don't want to draw parallels, obviously. it took god 40. ( laughter ) to destroy all that we know of as the earth. it's going to take bus two extra ones. go to tomorrow or any day in the next six weeks, and waste a lot of time. here it is your moment of zen. >> these are all sort of are routines the jindals have. the kids live at the mansion. he gets up every single morning and goes to the gym before he does anything, in large measure because there's a bacon drawer in the kitchen where there's