Skip to main content

tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  June 26, 2015 1:40am-2:14am PDT

1:40 am
did, all the way in. it's going to take 42 days. and it's going to continue up until august 6, and i don't want to-- look, we don't want to draw parallels, obviously. it took god 40. ( laughter ) to destroy all that we know of as the earth. it's going to take bus two extra ones. go to tomorrow or any day in the next six weeks, and waste a lot of time. here it is your moment of zen. >> these are all sort of are routines the jindals have. the kids live at the mansion. he gets up every single morning and goes to the gym before he does anything, in large measure because there's a bacon drawer in the kitchen where there's
1:41 am
captioning sponsored by comedy central >> larry: tonightly, obama lashes out at a heckler please tell me dropped the "n" word again please tell me he dropped the "n" word again, please please please. the supreme court upholds obamacare but you'll still get-- (cheers and applause) >> larry: very good news. but you'll still get seen fast in the er if you have a screwdriver stuck in your eye. just saying. and bobby jindal announces he's running for president. we don't need a joke after that response. this is the nightly show let's do this. (cheers and applause)
1:42 am
(cheers and applause) >> larry: thank you very much. man! oh my gosh on thursday? thank you very much. welcome to the fightly show. yes. i am larry wilmore larry is my real name. just saying. (applause) >> larry: from a long line of larry the 14th actually a lot of people don't knowment let's start hey with today's big news from the supreme court. in a 6-3 ruling with the opinion written by the chief justice john roberts that the subsidies pro-bamacare have been upheld which means the 6 million americans in the states where it was contested will be able to continue getting their subsidies. >> larry: yes! (cheers and applause)
1:43 am
>> larry: obamacare for the win. -- for everyone. that's it. and as with anyone scotus ruling the best stuff always comes in the form of justice scalia's notes. oh man that is good bathroom reading let me tell you guys. a little scalia on the bidei your night is done. don't need anyone else. and thium west-- iumiest part from his dissent is when he used this phrase. >> he called the decision quote interm ratsive jiggery pokery. jiggery pokery. i don't know if those words are racist but it's possible they are racially -- >> it doesn't sound right to
1:44 am
me. it just hits my ears jiggery pokery. actually it sounds like victorian term for sex in a tool shed right? would you like to get a leg jiggery pokery in the tool shed. okay would you like to get jiggery or pokery. a little bit of bofe okay. jiggery-pokery. and in his opinion he refers to the ruling as pure applesauce. (laughter) pure applesauce? i mean come on scalia. that statement is pure pudding pops, come on right? no guys right? (applause) am i right? absolutely. i mean it's thick butter balls, right. stop it you know it's streamline banana fritters
1:45 am
you know that. guys. i mean what is he dr. seuss all of a sudden. >> justice scalia pointed out in his dissent basically said that words no longer have any meaning. (laughter) >> larry: words no longer have meaning. jesus scalia. stop pouting for christ's sake, you are acting like a 14-year-old goth kid. you know, you lost. everything is nothing. all is chaos. life is naught but a turgid maelstrom of pain. words no longer have meaning. now of course republicans wasted no time in firing up the outrage machine. minutes after the ruling marco rubio tweeted i remain committed to repealing this bad law and replacing it. well yeah you guys rubio is no quitter. at least not until he runs out of money and has to quit the presidential race in a few months bam!
1:46 am
spoiler alert! spoilary all right. >> sorry. >> rand paul says the decision turns both the rule of law and common sense on its head. governor jeb bush, for instance says he is disappointed. >> larry: disappointed? you're disappointed. you know jeb bush those bad words no longer have meaning. you know what i love about politicians is that when something doesn't go their way constitution is being ignored. the rule of law common sense turned on their head and jiggery-pokery is running around pure applesauce. remember words no longer have meaning you guys. supreme court already ruled on this. okay so the republicans-- it doesn't
1:47 am
seem to bother him. i don't knows what's going on. i mean he's kind of like teflon right now. have you noticed this. things just slide right off. like look what happened last night at the white house when somebody heckled him. >> listen, you're in my house. (laughter) you're eating my hor d'oeuvres. you know what i'm saying? okay. and drinking the booze. i know that's right. (cheers and applause) >> larry: damn, obama. are you from the white house or the apollo crew. right? i mean but between that and him going up against his own party on ttp using the "n" word potus is definitely in a different zone. all right. it's true, so here to shed some light on this is white house media relations
1:48 am
branding strategy consultant bluejasmine steeplechase. all right. bluejasmine, welcome to the show. >> oh larry please please call me bluejasmine steeplechase. >> okay. all right bluejasmine steeplechase. i'm very excited are you here because i really want to knows what's going on. i mean president obama is like on a roll right now. >> you said it larry. and he is thrilled about the supreme court's decision. i mean obamacare is the president's second biggest initiative rz second? really? i don't remember, what was the first. >> obama-don't-care. anyway, so the supreme court-- . >> larry: wait wait obama-don't-care? >> uh-huh. >> larry: are you saying obama doesn't care about the country. >> please don't put words in my mouth larry. obama-don't-care can't be reduced to an emotion it is much more than that it is a
1:49 am
scaleable cross platform branding strategy for implementing a dynamic option shift during his last two years in office. >> larry: so what now? >> in layman's terms, he done had it and he's going ham. >> larry: he's going ham. >> yeah yeah. kanye thing. >> larry: so this is an actual program. this is about his attitude? >> oh, no it's a program larry it's a program about his attitude. obamacare upheld ttp shutting down the hecklers these are all the initial elements of the 18 month implementation of taking the administration from change to obama don't care. >> larry: this is amazing so this will only last for 18 months. >> yeah, until he leaves office. after that we will be done with obama-don't-care and it will just be
1:50 am
obama-don't-give-a-[bleep]. >> larry: that actually does make sense. i have to say i'm sorry bluejasmine. it seems like he's going to get a lot of criticism for this, are you saying he's not engaged in being president. >> no quited opses. he's absolutely engaged in letting people know that obama don't care. we've been building to this for quite a while. >> larry: how so. >> obama-don't-care is responsible for many of the i nes difficults you didn't even know were part of the program. jetblue flying to cuba obama-don't-care. doj investigatedding police departments obama-don't-care. >> obama saying glooep [bleep] on somebody's pod cast obama don't care. >> . >> larry: hot dog pizza crust obama don't care. >> larry: that sounds kining of awesome. bluejasmine steeplechase let me just ask you this what about obamacare. does obamacare about obamacare? >> are you kidding? >> you think the president isn't happy that 6.4 million
1:51 am
people won't lose their health care? that they won't see their subsidies disappear, that they won't have to worry about a-- are you serious? >> larry: so obama does care. >> just kidding obama don't care. >> larry: bluejasmine steeplechase everybody. we'll be right back it's evening again. time for the perfect night time snack. ♪ beautiful on the tongue, easy on the conscience. kellogg's®. see you at breakfast, tonight.™ okay guys, we've got two cars here. we're going to start watching a movie in the chevy malibu. ♪ (kids laughing) he's flying ok guys, pause the movie
1:52 am
we're going to watch the rest in the toyota camry. hit play again ehhh. what happened? you can't watch the movie. ugh... no network connection. who wants to go back in the chevy malibu? me! let's go! peace out! chevrolet. the first and only car company to bring built-in 4g lte wi-fi to cars, trucks and crossovers. this is cool. yeah. new lipton sparkling iced tea. ♪ refreshing tea infused with light, crisp, tiny bubbles. for a taste that lifts you up. they call these sandwiches? this is a sandwich. introducing the new subway turkey italiano melt. tender oven-roasted turkey breast. robust genoa salami. smoky, spicy pepperoni. when these big 3 meet under a blanket of melty provolone with that tangy new subway vinaigrette... something delicious happens. only one place to get a fresh toasted sandwich this great on freshly baked bread. the new turkey italiano melt.
1:53 am
only at subway.
1:54 am
on his quest, jack searched the globe for a flavorful spice coveted by kings and sultans. at last, he found it. exotic black pepper. jack knew what he had to do. trade his most beloved possession. and that's how far jack went to bring you the black pepper cheeseburger. black pepper cheese and peppercorn mayo. the black pepper cheeseburger.
1:55 am
taste it before it's gone. (cheers and applause) >> larry: welcome back. now as we all know election season continues to heat up so it is's time for a quick check-in with the unblackening roll it. >> that's right you guys we have a new presidential candidate, lust louis governor bobby jindal announced yesterday becoming the 13th republican to officially join the race. hold on hold on. now listen now now since one of those candidates is a woman, i can now refer to the rest of the republican field as 12 angry men.
1:56 am
thank you very much. i have been sitting on that one for a while. approximately for 45 years. good to finally get it out. oh, oh this is so much fun. okay so jindal announced via thanny cam. >> i thought a lot about this. we have decided we are going to-- . >> larry: what is that to catch a president? what-- that just looked kraepy right? what's going on over there. i mean but he obviously did this so he could catch his kid's spontaneous reaction to the announcement. okay so let's see that again and pay attention to the kids, okay. >> we have decided we are going to -- >> that is how they reacted?
1:57 am
that is your base. well i done think there's any better way to show you are an insignificant candidate for president than making your presidential announcement seem completely insignificant. doesn't make any-- oh okay by the way i have to say this. we watched that video a lot okay. and i don't know if you know we noticed something you don't catch this the first time you watch the video but if you play it back a couple of times you can tell there is definitely something moving around so play it again. >> okay look look right there right there do you see it? do you see it? oh my gosh that looks like what was that thing called,. >> it's a-- negro. >> larry: oh my gosh. >> i told you lar he i told you. >> it's an incog-negro. >> like rachel dolezal?
1:58 am
>> exactly. >> okay. >> a white woman who dresses up like black women. i dedicated my life to hunting them down. >> larry: wow. but -- >> there are many that exist in the wild. they're everywhere larry. i've got to go update my blog. >> larry: okay, all right okay. wow. wow. i honestly thought those didn't exist. i really did. well i think the lesson here is clear you guys. even if you are making a video to run for president always be on the lookout for incognegros. you know blue moon didn't always come with an orange. early on, i noticed people serving our beer with lemons-- kinda like a traditional belgian wit. but we brewed blue moon belgian white with valencia orange peel for a subtle sweetness. that's when i got the idea for the orange garnish.
1:59 am
so what i would do was bring bags of oranges to bars and show bartenders how to garnish our beer. people loved it. and when they realized it brought out the orange peel in the beer, they loved it even more. you could say the orange on top, brought it all together.
2:00 am
hey, you know what it's going to be like if i win a chance to play dwyane wade? picture this... it's just me and him. i display my moves. is that ball on a string? is any of this legal? that's wade's problem. this is your captain speaking, please remain seated we're expecting a little turbulence. because i will be crushing the rim! game over! and then i fly into the atmosphere... he's right behind me, isn't he? the whole time. go to for a chance to win athletic experiences by entering access codes from specially marked bottles.
2:01 am
♪ ♪
2:02 am
on his quest, jack searched the globe for a flavorful spice coveted by kings and sultans. at last, he found it. exotic black pepper. jack knew what he had to do. trade his most beloved possession. and that's how far jack went to bring you the black pepper cheeseburger. black pepper cheese and peppercorn mayo. the black pepper cheeseburger. taste it before it's gone.
2:03 am
(cheers and applause) >> larry: yeah welcome back. i'm here with my panel nightly show contributor you know him mike yard. comedian and acker and host of the hooray show are horatio horatio sanz. (applause) >> i like that title. an author of the book zealot the life and times of jesus of nazareth religious scholar reza aslan with. >> big news this week. boston bomber tsarnaev was sentenced to death yesterday. i don't know if you caught this. and-- thank you. oh wow. very good.
2:04 am
i agree with those people. >> yeah yeah! >> we had a show about that. it was very interesting. we can talk about that too if you want to talk about it. but this is what is interesting to me. he apologized somewhat of an apology. here's part of it. he said i'm sorry for the lives that i've taken for the suffering that i have caused you and the damage that i've done. now i'm confused about this. he shows no remorse during the trial at all. he kind of like was making a mockery of it. does this feel like he's doing this i mean does anybody feel this is sincere or doing it just to maybe win an appeal against the death penalty? reza, what do you think about that? >> i don't know. i think we would have forgiven him if he didn't bring up allah,. >> he mentioned allah so forget it. allah ruined the apology. it is not really an apology if you bring up allah. everybody knows that. >> larry: it is a confusing apology actually. he kind of thanked allah
2:05 am
and-- it was like an oscar speech, one of the -- >> what is confusing to me is that you claim allah when you do these things. dow this in the name of allah but as soon as you get sentenced to death allah peace and everything. where was peace before you got sentenced to death. everybody finds god and corncious when they know they're going to die. that is what happens. >> larry: it is kind of brand confusion f allah told him to do that. >> that's what i'm saying. >> larry: i don't know. >> i would have to rethink my allegiance to allah because it's confusing. allah is like kill them allah is like apologize. >> larry: allah, we got to get our story straight because the last time i talked to. i did misunderstand. >> for real. >> larry: the thing that confuses me is we had dylann roof the charleston shooter. the billing fact despite the fact he did not apologize, that the victims were forgiving of him. everybody was talking about
2:06 am
how amazing it was that all this forgiveness for him. and yet we're having this argument, this debate about whether we should also forgive tsarnaev. and i'm just trying to figure out like exactly what the difference between the two of them are. and i can't-- . >> larry: are you saying they forgive the white boy, now they can forgive this guy. >> i can't forgive either one of them. >> larry: i can't give up forgiveness like that. i don't-- why do you think people want to forgive. here is my rule of it and this is just my thing. i see forgiveness as a two-way venture. i think someone asks for forgiveness and then the spiritual thing to do is to either brandt it to them or say sorry i can't do it but i think it's a two way thing i think this just giving it out. part of it i understand. part of it is a psychological thing, i don't want it to weigh on me. but i don't think that's forgiveness. >> it's also like taking power and control over the situation. >> larry: correct. >> that i can actually do something about it. i can take control over it by granting forgiveness even if you don't want it, even if you don't deserve it. >> i don't have that kind of
2:07 am
power. >> if you kill someone you know that's hard to forgive but if he blows off a toe i can forgive that. because then i'm looking at a lifetime of retirement which means sitting with my in the hot tub all day. >> larry: with nine toes. >> but who is looking down there. >> are you better than me. i believe in the laws of fisk every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. you blow people up you stick a need nell your [bleep] arm. i'm sorry there is no one in the laws of fisks where it says you have to say sorry. you blow up someone you get a needle in your arm. >> that's true that's very true. >> larry: very true. >> does it make a difference if the person is remorseful after they're furnishment. like do you still get the death penalty because you are showing remorse? >> it's not supposed to be like that. the law is supposed to be
2:08 am
completely dispassionate. but you know throughout the entire sentencing there was this whole thing about you know does he deserve to go to prison forever or does he deserve to die. that is sort of like the state forgiveness. i don't want to bring up dylann roof over and over again. but i'm curious to see what happens in south carolina which also has the death penalty whether this guy will get the death penalty or whether we'll just forget about that and put him in prison. because he's not a terrorist tsarnaev say terrorist. >> of course he's a terrorist. >> the fbi said he's not. >> you're being sarcastic. >> the fbi said he's not a terrorist. the fbi said you can walk into a church as a white supremacist radicallized by an ideology ask by name for a state senator shoot him execution style and eight other people but you're not a terrorist. >> larry: let me say why the fbi is full of [bleep] because this-- no because the kkk did act like this
2:09 am
all the time. called themselves this is-- people don't realize racists owned this [bleep]. they called themselves a terrorist group. they honed it. there is such a thing as racial terrorism. >> of course. "the new york times" yesterday reported that since 9/11 twice as many people in this country have been killed by racist and white supremacists and far right zealots than by islamic terrorists that doesn't even include people like michael wayne page who went into a seec temple and killed people it doesn't include the dude who was an anti-government zealot who flew a plane into an irs building killing a government agent. none of those guys are actually called terrorists. and yet still we're obsessed with terrorism and islamic terrorism. according to the fbi you are more likely to die by faulty furniture than by a terrorist okay. you're in greater threat
2:10 am
okay your lazy boy is-- . >> larry: the lesson is we should put all of our trust always in the fbi. thanks panel. we'll be right back. if you live in the new york city area gab some free tickets to attend an upcoming taping of the nightly show monday through thursday. for complete details go to the nightly everyone's heard of an ipa. but what about a white ipa? it's a fairly new style inspired by belgian whites and ipas. we're known for blue moon belgian white. so creating a white ipa really intrigued us. we started with wheat, orange peel, and coriander. then experimented with hop after hop until we found a rare german hop called huell melon that really brought out citrus flavors in the beer. hoppy. unfiltered. balanced. it's the best of both styles.
2:11 am
2:12 am
2:13 am
y central captioned by media access group at wgbh (cheers and applause) >> larry: all right, that's our show i want to thank our panelests mike yard hor hosh ashio sanz reza aslan don't forget to check out facebook follow us on twitter and instagram to keep interesting of everything we're doing on-line. good nightly everyo


info Stream Only

Uploaded by TV Archive on