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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  June 30, 2015 11:31pm-12:02am PDT

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gillibrand will be joining us. right now, your moment os zen. >> when i hear the media say our country is angry, i know they're wrong. last year i went to 37 different states across this country in one year. i met people in every corner of america, and they are not angry. americans are not angry. americans are filled with anxiety. comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh tonightly -- chris christie is now the 14th republican candidate running for president. throw in dolph lundgren and you've got the crappiest "expendables" movie yet. (laughter) christie says america is suffering from "anxiety." knowing that, how about you stop screaming at us?! (laughter) (applause) and ultraorthodox jews hire mexican laborers to protest for them at the gay pride parade.
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(laughter) okay. i'm pretty sure this isn't kosher. (laughter) we're here! we're "nightly"! let's do this! (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) >> larry: wow, man. thank you very much. welcome to "the nightly show." (crowd chanting) yes. love tonight. thank you very much. that's a great audience. we have an entire audience of loud bearded guys tonight, i want you to know. (laughter) what am i going to do? we've got a great show. boy george will be joining us on the panel tonight. (cheers and applause) man!
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how cool is that right? okay. you know what? i don't know if you know this or not this is interesting. i found this out today. every time a bell rings, an angel laughs, because another republican decides to run for president. (laughter) (applause) >> and that is why today i am proud to announce my candidacy for the republican nomination for president of the united states of america! >> larry: yeah that's right! that's right! chris christie entered the race today. people. you know what that means many time to check in with the unblackening. (laughter and applause) i just love that open. all right. so christie announced his presidential campaign this morning back at his old high school in livingston, new jersey, where he was introduced by some of his old classmates. >> she thought she would be booed by her high school
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classmates. she was not. lynn's nickname in high school was the juice. >> juice! hence, it is not a boo. larry: look, guys. the name "juice" is not funny. maybe she was actually on steroids in high school. (laughter) okay? all right. so they weren't booing. they were saying "juice." what made you such a boo expert? (laughter) >> good afternoon, everybody. you've already heard enough speeches, enough speeches of the same thing. (laughter) [ audience boos ] >> larry: oh, years of boo experience. all right. okay. so he's experienced. very good. i'll tell you one guy who wasn't booing. in fact, if there were such a thing as the complete opposite of booing, that's what he was doing. check this out. (applause) (laughter) >> larry: who could possibly be that excited about chris
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christie? (laughter) hell, who could possibly be that excited about anything past the age of 3? right? (laughter) there's got to be an explanation. wait. do we have a shot of his feet? let's see. oh oh,! there you go. okay. his feet are on fire! i take the whole thing back. (laughter) those moves are completely justified. quick! juice! pour yourself on his shoes! juice! juice!! all right, chris christie. what are you all about? come on. give me the skinny. that's not a fat joke! that's not a fat joke. (laughter) no, it's just a saying. that's just a saying. lay on me. i mean lay it on me. dodged a bullet there. okay look i know, guys. here's the thing. look, here at "the nightly show," we really don't want to indulge in making fat jokes about chris christie. we think they're easy. they're demeaning. and, frankly, they're just cheap. but from time to time, we may slip up. (laughter) so we just wanted to acknowledge
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this -- give you a head's up -- just address the elephant in the room. that's not a fat joke! (laughter) that's not a fat joke! hold on. guy it's that's a -- guys, that's a true saying. also, in this case, it would be the elephant in the gymnasium. right? see? that is a joke. see? see how hard it is? >> that's what she said. larry: oh! (laughter) very good, jeb! (laughter and applause) you're absolutely right. that is what she said! actually. okay, chris, what do you have to say? >> as a candidate for president i want to promise you just a few things. first, a campaign without spin or without pandering or focus focus-group-tested answers. you get what i think whether you like it or not. >> larry: whoa, is he a doctor? because that's really good bedside manner. all right. (laughter) so no spin, no pandering. you're going to make up your own
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answers. got it. so far you sound very qualified. okay. let's see if happy feet is still excited. (cheers and applause) all right. okay. he's still jonesin' for you. good job, christie. so tell me, what would your un-focus-group-tested take be on the state of america? >> weak leadership. this weakness and indecisiveness handwringing and evasiveness and in65iveness and an economy that is weak, weak. >> larry: okay. so i'm sensing you think we're weak. and i'm guessing your opinion is that weak is bad, because you had kind of an attitude when you said it. why you gotta be so judgy? (laughter) why you got to be down on america. "usa." hello, aren't you a republican? all right. so how do you plan to eradicate this weakness? >> the courage to stand up. and stand up. stand up and fight. fighting that fight. now ready to fight. (laughter) >> larry: okay. all right. now i'm sensing you want to fight.
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(laughter) all right. let me see if i can sum up your political philosophy: everything is weak. you're going to beat it up. and we're going to like it. (laughter) all right, floyd mayweather, good luck to you. (laughter) okay. (cheers and applause) maybe, we'll see. i don't know. i'll tell you what, here to talk about today's announcement is chris christie's high school classmate and town bully, matt caffarelli. (cheers and applause) matt, thanks for being here. >> thanks for having me, nerd. (laughter) >> larry: okay. that's a little weird start. i guess you are the town bully, so i should expect that. okay. what did you think of christie's speech? >> it was boss as hell! honestly, man, i thought he [ bleep ] crushed it! you know what i mean? chris christie is the bully america's been waiting for. (laughter) >> larry: i'm sorry, the bully? what exactly do you mean by that?
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>> watch and learn, bob bunson honeydew. >> who you talkin' about? damn, man, i'm governor. could you just shut up for a second? your rear end's going to get thrown in jail, idiot. sit down and shut up. are you -- are you stupid? first off, it's none of your business. >> was that a little blunt, even for you? >> no. (laughter) >> larry: he definitely sounds like a bully. how is that good for america? >> look, america's like a high school -- the last three presidents were a prom king, a dumb jock, and now a friggin' nerd running the joint, you know what i mean? (laughter) it's time for a bully so the natural order can be restored. (laughter) >> larry: wait. (applause) (cheers) so you think the leader of the free world should be a high-school-style bully? >> you got it right four eyes. (laughter) >> larry: wait, why are you picking on me? >> larry, i'm a bully. that's what i do. >> larry: okay. all right. that makes sense. okay. just explain to me, how does chris christie being a bully president -- i dunno -- like,
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help us in the middle east? >> middle east? please. why don't you check out this sweet foreign policy right here. >> larry: get the hell off the beach in asbury park and get out. (laughter) >> nailed it. nailed it. >> larry: wait. that's foreign policy? >> listen, pound dexter what is middle east but a pile of sand? it's a giant beach! where all our oil is. which is nice. think about iran. you've got the king of iran emperor of iran, whatever he is. he's trying to build nukes. obama's all like "brbrbr." that's how he sounds. (laughter) chris christie's going to be like, "hey, dumb-dumb, you can't have nukes. i told you! get off our friggin' beach!" >> larry: okay. boom. larry: okay. first of all i don't think i've heard of a foreign policy quite like this.
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and it's really not our beach. >> really? (laughter) >> larry: what are you doing? two for flinching, buddy. larry: two for flinching? >> those are the rules. you flinch you get hit! chris christie taught me that. >> larry: all right, fine. but what about domestic issues, like healthcare? >> healthcare? please. we're talking about a guy who literally bullied his weight down. he was like, [ bleep ] you stomach! you know what i mean? he was like, stomach, be smaller. hey, doc, cut me open and put a rubber band around it." you know? and then strangle it. strangle my stomach. (laughter) now he's all like, "hey, stomach. here's a peanut. happy thanksgiving. you know what i mean? (laughter) no no, go to bed, you piece of [ bleep ]." >> larry: hold on. i'm pretty sure that's not how lap-band surgery works. >> that is literally exactly how it works. (laughter) >> larry: that is literally the wrong definition of "literally." >> we're just going to have to agree to disagree. >> larry: we haven't agreed on
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anything! >> all right. (laughter) that's all the time we have. we'll be right back. >> larry: no, no, no, you don't get to say that. that's what i say. >> you think you're better than me? >> larry: [ bleep ]. (laughter) you're a big bully! do what he says -- go to commercial. we'll be right back. you're a big bully. (cheers and applause) ♪ ♪ introducing the samsung galaxy s6 active only from at&t. tested to withstand pretty much anything life throws your way. get a galaxy s6 active for zero down and get a free samsung tablet. ♪ music playing ♪ if you haven't heard about the latest sale at
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>> larry: welcome back. (cheers and applause) okay, everybody. this is a story i've been waiting to do. all right? it's time for "the nightly show's" newest and most expensive segment -- "handsome ape update"! ♪ (laughter) >> larry: okay. no, i didn't say the opening was the most -- (laughter) here's the story guys. i don't know if you heard about it. there's this ape in japan that everyone is going crazy about -- it's the most -- oh. (laughter) oh here, ricky. >> are we not running my piece
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about bullies? >> larry: ricky velez, everyone. (cheers and applause) >> what are we doing? larry: i'm sorry, man. we had to bump that. we kind of covered bullies in the christie thing. and this is a big story in japan. we're about to go live to our handsome ape situation. >> oh, cool. i just thought bullying was an important issue, you know, something "the nightly show" would be covering. if you want to talk about cute apes go ahead. that's weird. (laughter) >> larry: well, i kind of did actually. he's unusually handsome, and he broods everything. (laughter) and, well, we're going to lose the blimp satellite link soon so -- >> okay, sure. yeah, do what you got to do, man. bullying impacts millions of peoples lives, but, okay, ape it. (laughter) >> larry: okay, fine, ricky. go ahead and show your piece on bullying. >> awesome. thanks, larry. okay, everyone. welcome to ricky's world. ♪
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how many of you were bullied growing up? i get a lot. and that's. [ bleep ] up. mention i said growing you, because if you're being bullied now as an adult that's on you. don't be a pussy. kids being bullied, man, that's messed up. i know because i was bullied growing up right here in queens. i got this one kid stole my bike in the third grade, stole my waurlet in the 12th grade, and now i goat see how bad his life going on facebook. (laughter) the only right way to use facebook is to check in on the miserable people that used to make you miserable. don't argue. i'm right about this. the other day he writes a status to his dead dad, hey dead dad love you miss you hope i never disappoint you really? like his dad's up in heaven saying, let me check my facebook. gheets to heaven and still have to log in? if there's facebook in the afterlife, you are in hell. (laughter) don't even write the status. i felt bad. i had a heart. so i made fat facebook as his
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dad and wrote him back. hey, just got back from the two pack concert. that was a lot of fun. yes, are you disappointed. ricky velez wants his bike back, bitch. welcome to my world. i'm ricky velez. (cheers and applause) >> larry: thanks, ricky. i think he was saying, "don't bully." we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
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that's why i switched from u-verse to xfinity. they have the most free on demand tv shows and movies on all my devices. it's perfect for me because my kids are costing me a fortune. i'm going to cabo! [ music plays ] don't settle for u-verse. xfinity is perfect for people who want more entertainment for their money. (cheers and applause) >> larry: welcome back. i'm here with my panel. his new show "benders" premiers on ifc this fall, comedian chris distefano. >> thank you. (cheers and applause) >> larry: she's a host at
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huffpost live, alyona minkovski. (cheers and applause) and he and the culture club are launching their north american tour july 17th grammy-nominated performer and songwriter, legend boy george! (cheers and applause) always a lot going on. you know, first as everybody knows, on friday the supreme court ruled in favor of legalizing gay marriage in all 50 states. we talked about this -- (cheers and applause) boy george, as a brit, do you have a reaction to america finally coming around? what is your take on it? >> i just -- i never understood -- it's such a conservative idea that conservative people would love the fact that gay people wanted to be married. i thought they'd embrace the idea. >> larry: well, the second part of it, i would agree with you. wanting to be married. the first part gay people wanting to be married. (laughter). >> i think people should mind their own business. also, if you don't want to get involved in gay marriage just don't do it. don't marry a guy or a woman. (cheers and applause) you know, it's like -- it just
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baffles me why people care. there's so many more important things. i'm really glad people can do it and now we can get just forget it bit. marriage is marriage. >> larry: you getting married? no. you have to first find somebody to marry you. (laughter) >> larry: now gay receptions. yeah gay divorce. who's keeping the ming vauz. (laughter). >> larry: exactly. i wanted to -- this weekend i guess it was gay pride weekend almost everywhere, i suppose, right? there are parts in the world i don't know what's going on. but this weekend we talked about this in our open, there was an ultraorthodox jewish group. they hired mexican day laborers to hold up signs to oppose the gay pride. is this a thing now, outsourcing your outrage? i mean -- (laughter) seriously, what do you think about that? >> it's cowardly is what it is. if you have your hate
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preferably, you would leave it at home and not bring it out on streets. >> larry: you say it's not resourceful. >> it's cowardly in that you won't put your face behind it and it's also exploitation. these are clearly people that needed a buck and so you're paying them to go out and protest for you. >> larry: what was the first question, do you guys read english? oh, good, we have a job for you. (laughter). >> here you go. it's creating employment. i don't know how much they paid them. >> $3 for the whole day probably. they don't give them any money. >> larry: and i think they were being jeered but they're hired to do that. who's more responsible, people who would hire them or people holding up the signs? >> the people that hired them. larry: if somebody hired you to hold up a sign, would you do it? they pay good money. >> well, yeah, if you pay me good -- (laughter) >> i doubt they got paid good money. they did it to do it. but, of course it's the person. look at these guys. these guys didn't know. they probably just hold up the
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sign, do it. that one guy was dressed up like a hasidic jew. (laughter) look at that guy! >> larry: oh, my god. come on! larry: what is that? he doesn't look like that. he dressed -- he got the curls and the hat on. >> larry: that's crazy. it's -- i know. he went for it. >> larry: all right. i want to get to chris christie real quick. chris christie is running for president. i feel like he's trying to do this macho image. do we think it's important for america to have a macho president? why does it always seem like that that's a thing? >> i don't think -- i think, look, bottom line chris christie's just -- he's a fat italian guy from new jersey so he's going to come off like -- he's going to jiggle his balls when he does his inaugural address. (laughter) that's just who he is. i got to be honest, look as an italian guy, that's my obama right there. i'm not -- (laughter) >> larry: wait, wait. hold on a second. hold on. hold up. the italian guy jiggling his balls is your obama. (laughter). >> my obama. listen, i don't know what the
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hell he's talking about. i'm not a republican. but he's probably a yankee fan. and i'm going to go for it. i think i'll vote for him. i don't know. (laughter) >> larry: the thing is he got in trouble for hugging obama. have you ever got in trouble for hugging a black guy? (laughter) >> not that i know of. thing with chris christie is you have to be careful of this cult of personality. people just say oh, that's just the way he is. we love that he's so brash. he's telling it like it is. that's his whole campaign message at the moment. you have to look at his policies. this is somebody who could potentially be in a position of power, already in the state where he is the governor new jersey resident it's don't like him. the latest opinion poll shows about 30% -- >> larry: that's why he's getting out, right?t(bz@ñ (laughter). >> the property rate went in new jersey under his watch. the infrastructure is crumbling. he's destroying the public schools and the teacher's union is actually something you should pay attention to. (cheers and applause) >> larry: what is the whole take on what's going on here?
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does it just seem crazy? >> no, it just seems the same as ecland but a different accent. (laughter) politicians aren't popular in the u.k. >> larry: you got fight on the floor of the house of parliament there. >> yes, it's very polite sort of -- it's like polite abuse. i pointed to you. (laughter) >> that's the -- of. (laughter). >> it's kind of weird. like a schoolyard maybe chris christie would belong there. >> do they wear the wigs in parliament still? >> i wouldn't be able to take anybody serious. >> judges wear wigs. the judges in court. i don't think they wear them in the houses of parliament. they have special occasions where they do the thing and they have this -- i don't know -- some period thing happens. ceremonies. we love ceremonies in england. >> i want to get arrested in england so bad with this wig
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judge and just laugh my ass off. >> go to england and say, hey i'm here to jiggle my balls and run england. (laughter) we'll be right back right after this. (cheers and applause) >> larry: if you live in the new york city area or planning to visit, grab some free tickets to an upcoming taping of the "the nightly show," monday through thursday. for complete details go to the (cheers and applause)
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try the un-carrier risk-free for 14 days you'll love it, or we'll pay for you to go back. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ [ male announcer ] give extra. get extra. >> larry: that's our show! i want to thank our panelists, alyona minkovski, chris distefano, and boy george. (cheers and applause) jim gaffigan is here tomorrow. goodnightly, everyone! (cheers and applause)
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>> chris: it's 11:59 and 60 seconds. happy leap second day. yeah, you didn't know. this happened on today. get your phones even closer to your radiated faces because it's social media day. ( cheers and applause ) oh man! so great this


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