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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  November 3, 2015 5:53pm-6:27pm PST

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but we desperately need you back. really? um, i don't suppose there's any chance i could get a promotion. sure. what the heck? i hereby promote you to executive delivery boy. executive? it's a meaningless title, but it helps insecure people feel better about themselves. i feel better about myself! >> larry: tonightly, the kansas city royals beat the new york mets to win the world series. and they celebrated the way everyone from kansas city celebrates in new york -- with dinner at the olive garden in times square. oh, now we like them, yeah... (laughter) more than 6,000 federal prisoners were released from jail over the weekend. (cheers and applause) and they didn't even need to sleep with that horny prison guard to get out. pretty good! and i'm sitting down for soul food with republican
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presidential candidate rand paul. that's right, y'all -- the tea party movement meets the "sweet" tea party movement. (cheers and applause) let's do it, america -- this is the nightly show! captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) ♪ (audience chanting larry) >> larry: nice crowd. appreciate it! such a nice crowd. this is a crowd that really knows the meaning of life, guys. (laughter) that kind of crowd. i just feel it's that kind of crowd. welcome to the nightly show. i'm larry wilmore. bob saget joins me on the panel tonight. (cheers and applause)
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he's an old buddy of mine. really great seeing him. interesting fact -- if you're one of the 78% of people who watches this show from prison, this story's for you. >> about 6,000 inmates have been released from federal prisons as part of the change in sentencing regulations. the largest one-time release of federal prisoners over the weekend comes after the justice department changed punishment rules for nonviolent drug offenders. >> larry: that's right, over 6,000 prisoners were freed this weekend. and i think what obama is doing is great. it's about time a president did something like this. sure, a lot of people will be afraid to have criminals back on the streets but these people were convicted of non-violent crimes. non-violent! (applause) that's right! (laughter) there's nothing to be scared of. don't those people deserve a
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second chance to regain society's trust? right? (cheers and applause) what kind of monster doesn't believe in redemption? just doesn't make sense to me. there you go. please put this in my vault. and, uhhh, get something for yourself. (applause) wow. man! (applause) that is a lot of convicts. and if we're keeping it 100, some of you are wondering -- is my community going to be overrun by prisoners? >> your community is not going to be overrun with prisoners. >> larry: oh, okay. whoo! thanks for answering my hypothetical question, cbs local news. hey, when you want your news and you want it local and you fell asleep watching csi cyber, trust cbs local news. >> the program is for low-level nonviolent drug offenders currently serving harsh sentences. up to ten years. >> larry: now let me break
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this down. there was a time in america where black people were treated unfairly by the government. i know it sounds outrageous, but trust me, ask your parents, it's true. many of the penalties for drug offenses unfairly penalized those in the "urban" communities. for example, a person only needed five grams of crack to be charged with a felony. whereas you would need 500 grams of cocaine for a felony charge. this is why i've always told the kids, "hey, do cocaine." and stay in school. where else are you going to learn the metric system so you can measure your damn cocaine? just feels like a good message. (laughter) okay, so here to talk about his imminent release from federal prison is one of the victims of this unfair sentencing, darnell duvall! (cheers and applause)
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>> mike: hey larry! >> larry: so, darnell, what are you feeling? >> mike: larry, i'm so excited to get out. my cousin hooked me up with a job. >> larry: well that's fantastic. what are you going to be doing? >> mike: selling weed. >> larry: whoa, whoa, wait! isn't that what landed you in jail in the first place? >> mike: yeah, but i'm going to be selling it legally at a dispensary in colorado! (cheers and applause) yeah, dude! mad ironical, ain't it, larry? >> larry: absolutely. so do you feel like justice is finally being done here? >> mike: i don't care about justice, larry. i just want to (bleep). >> larry: wait, wait, hold on, we're on television here. >> mike: larry, i have not been with my wife for 20 years! i don't know if i can wait to see her! >> larry: well, darnell, you don't have to wait because we've got a very special surprise for you.
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please welcome, your wife, candy duvall! >> mike: oh my god, candy! oh! (applause) this is some maury level (bleep), man! i'm so happy to see you, babe! >> holly: heeeeeey!! i'm so happy to see you, too, darnell! >> larry: so when we contacted you, i'm sure you had no idea you'd be talking to your husband. >> holly: yeah, i had no idea my husband's been wronged, larry! they put him in prison for nothing! >> mike: that's my baby! i can't wait to see you, boo! >> holly: you don't have to wait long. i'm going to see you next month, right on schedule. >> larry: no, no, you don't have to wait. he's getting out today! (cheers and applause) today! >> holly: i'm sorry? >> larry: yeah! he's getting out today! >> mike: baby, what should we do next week after we're done
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(bleep)? >> holly: awww, (bleep). >> mike: what's wrong, baby? >> larry: is everything okay? >> holly: larry, i thought he'd never get out. he was a black man who sold weed 20 years ago! i shouldn't be seeing him until 2035! i assumed i could move on with my life. >> larry: whoa. >> mike: moved on? >> holly: i've got three kids now! >> mike: you've got three kids?! how?! >> jordan: hey babe. the volvo's all warmed up, and those apples aren't going to pick themselves. who's your friend? >> mike: who is that?!!? imma kill him! >> larry: whoa! weren't you a non-violent offender? >> mike: i'm getting out for a nonviolent crime, but imma go back in for a violent one! >> holly: be well, darnell. buh-bye. >> jordan: namaste. >> larry: oof. that was awkward. now let me introduce you to someone who desperately wants to be free and who has liberals and
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conservatives alike calling for the president to take action. this is sharanda jones. sharanda has spent the last 16 years in prison, and she'll die there because she was sentenced to life without parole. her only crime -- transporting cocaine. and when i say "only crime," i mean only crime. she had no other arrests. none. this is a "one strike you're out for life" situation. i mean even paul blart got two chances. sharanda did not supply the cocaine. she did not sell it. she was a mule, transporting powder from houston to dallas. how much was she caught carrying? none. she was convicted based on the testimony of other drug dealers looking for plea bargains to avoid their own life sentences. she was charged with seven counts and acquitted of six. using a formula that has since been overturned by the supreme court, the judge was required -- required -- to send sharanda away for life.
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and to be clear -- i'm not, in any way condoning what she did -- and by the way, neither does she. but life? if you want to put a face on the draconian drug sentencing that has ruined so many lives, look no further than sharanda jones. but while more than 6,000 federal inmates walk this week, sharanda sits. and that's not right. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) ♪
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call 1-800-directv. caman: thanks, captain obvious. wouldn't stay here tonight. captain obvious: i'd get a deal for tonight with deals for tonight from and you might want to get that pipe fixed. >> larry: welcome back. i am a man of simple desires. all i want is to eat soul food with every single person running for president. tonight, in the "soul food sit-down," i'm joined by
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kentucky senator rand paul. ♪ i'm here with dr. rand paul. thanks for being here. >> thanks for invite meg to your house for dinner. >> larry: what's your vision? what i'm for versus the others is they want power. mr. trump, what would he say? i'm so huge, smart, rich, i can do anything. >> larry: he would probably call you a loser. >> probably, and he would say give me more power because i'm so smart i can take care of it. i'm a believer in the people and that you should disperse power. >> larry: his poll numbers are going up. there are something about the insults that's working. i know you don't want to be insulting other candidates, but
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i don't think there is anything wrong with going after somebody's momma. i mean, in the next debate if trump comes after you and says i don't believe rand paul should be here you slam him with your momma's so stupid. >> your momma wears army boots? >> larry: i'll give you an example. your momma is so stupid she thinks pound cake is -- >> a vegetable? i need better material. (laughter) >> larry: in the battle of surgeons, ben carson seems to be winning that battle right now. he's a twin separator, you're an eye surgeon. why do you think america is going for a guy who separates twins twins because that's sounds divisive. >> what's the brain without eyes? >> larry: eyes are very important. do you think ben carson's a mad scientist? i don't mean like angry, i mean, like, crazy. i call him black droopy the dog.
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do you believe i could be president? (laughter) what is your position on guns? are you pro guns, anti-guns, more, less gun control? >> i guess the way to put it is the bill of rights guaranteed certain liberties. >> larry: right, the right to own slaves. >> well, that wasn't actually in the bill of rights. >> larry: that was just understood. >> wasn't exactly in the bill of rights. >> larry: you spoke at howard university. >> right. >> larry: you and ben carson are the only republican candidates with black hair. >> i didn't think about that. you're right. >> larry: which black hair products do you use? >> i just use water. does that count? >> larry: do you use a pick or a comb? >> uh... >> larry: would you ever consider getting a jerry curl?
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>> i'm not sure what that, is i have been accused of it. >> larry: have you ever had one? >> i would like to try. >> larry: i can get you the activator, the gloves, chemicals, all that stuff. next debate, you will be jerry curling down. >> that would knock it out of the park? >> larry: yes. you have good ideas for criminal justice reform. tell me about that. >> i think people deserve second chances. i also think it's a mistake to put people in jail for the most part for marijuana and other minor offenses. i'm an advocate but i'm also not for putting people in jail for making mistakes. people make mistakes with alcohol all the time. >> larry: it's time for keep it 100. this is a two-part question. first markets do you hate donald trump? >> i really love donald trump. >> larry: you love donald trump? >> yeah, i do. i think he's hilarious.
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>> larry: this is a man who told you he didn't belong in the debate. >> he's in the wrong arena now. he would be great in an arena of television. >> larry: you're not keeping it 100. >> maybe 70. >> larry: if trump asked you to be his runningmate, would you? >> it would be an utter and absolute disaster and i would want no part of it. >> larry: thank you! that's what i'm talking about! that's how you keep it 100! >> it's like the first time on n "jeopardy." >> larry: if you're looking for someone to keep it 100, it's rand paul, because he's taking a stand! >> absolutely! (cheers and applause) once again, thanks to senator paul for joining us. we'll be right back. ono off-days, or downtime.ason.
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(cheers and applause) >> larry: welcome back. i'm here with my panel. first up, nightly show contributor, mike yard. she's the co-host of "the young turks" on the tyt network and columnist at rawstory, ana kasparian. and he joins the cast of the tony-nominated broadway play "hand to god" tomorrow, actor and comedian bob saget. (cheers and applause) and for everyone at home, join our conversation right now on twitter "at nightly show" using the hashtag "tonightly."
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a lot of stuff going on but i had to talk about halloween this weekend. there were a number of so called "inappropriate costumes." social media is going crazy. for example, there was one of cosby. (audience reacts) caitlyn jenner, and here we have harry hamlin got in trouble for one. okay. it's halloween. are we mad at this? >> i don't like seeing a swastika except on a little kid. (laughter) i think the cosby thing was missing the briefcase. you've got to have that because it has all the supplies. >> larry: oh, the supplies. yeah, the stuff that -- >> larry: you want the costume to be better, is what you're saying... >> go big or go home. i think we have enough problems in the world we should probably not emphasize them by
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taking kids out -- well, those weren't kids. >> larry: the kids were dressed as cosby. >> i think that would still be hilarious. cosby was hilarious. caitlyn jenner, does the guy not have an internet? would you really put that on? >> if bill cosby were in prison, i think it would be clever, but he's getting away with rape. (applause) but there was a pablo escobar i found really funny. >> larry: the baby? yes. >> larry: someone dressed up their baby as pablo escobar, the drug king. this is true! (laughter) >> i saw that kid in times square and bought a nickel bag.
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the kid delivers. >> larry: is it okay to dress your kid as a drilling kingpin? >> i was mad at first but then i saw the video and i was laughi laughing. >> larry: are you mad if someone dresses as an infamous character? can you be osama bin laden or is that too much? >> what i read was what happened to the good old days when osama bin laden was a monster? well, osama bin laden was a monster. i get it's offensive to some people, but -- >> larry: would you dress your baby as osama bin laden? >> i personally wouldn't and i understand those who get offended by it. >> larry: what if the baby really, really loved osama bin laden? (laughter) >> and babies love linen. (laughter) if you're going to dress your kid as osama bin laden, you want to bring the next person next to you dressed as bradley cooper
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from american sniper so you have the combo to take out the guy. >> larry: so you're covered. it's cute. you get a lot of likes on facebook and comments. but what about when the kid grows up and he tries to get a job and it's there! (laughter) >> larry: i was three years old! you're not getting the job, you were three years old and making a coke deal! >> exactly! you were pablo escobar at three years old, can't get the job. >> larry: harry hamlin, i think were the sex pistols. i think they thought somehow, oh, i forgot i had a swastika on there. >> come on, dude! how long it's been a thing you're not supposed to have? >> i don't think it's knot -- i don't know nothing but i think it's aztec. >> i think it's an asian thing. wish it would have stayed that and not be taken by a mad
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man. >> larry: baby hitler, is it okay? >> you mean as a premise? (laughter) >> are we talking about adult swim show? mel brooks used to make a lot of humor out of it and we're so sensitive now because there's so much damn hate. >> larry: he was talking about the producers, right. >> yeah. >> larry: but the baby wouldn't be satirical. >> but every baby -- it sounds awesome. no, it does not sound awesome! hitler killed 6 million people! it's not cute! >> more than that, probably, because the truth of it is -- (laughter) >> larry: i'm only saying from a pure joke point of view, not from a real-life baby of hitler, which i would agree with that, but from a joke point of view -- >> if you're a comedian, i feel
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you get a pass because they get to joke about what they want to, but when it comes to nazi imagery, think about all the lives that were lost and -- >> no, it's horrible. that's why comedians do that. i deal with pain through gallows humor. that's where i will end up doing my last humor, at the gallows. >> larry: remember that baby hitler bit... >> i'll give you an example, people getting a black face, wrong, right? a lot of white people would love to get in black face. can we give them an exception on halloween or not? >> no, no, hell, no! (cheers and applause) hell, no! >> larry: we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) if you live in new york city gap tickets to "the nightly show."
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ah jam it! crazy good! >> larry: that's our show! i want to thank our panelists tonight. check out "hand of god" on broadway. goodnight, everyone! ♪ (cheers and applause) >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with trevor noah. (cheers and applause)
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>> trevor: welcome to the daily show. thank you so much for tuning in, i'm trevor noah. our guest tonight fareed zakaria is joining us, everybody! and now we happen to be off last week so i thought i would quickly catch you up on all the stuff we missed wile we were away. first up, congress managed to come to a budget deal meaning they will not be shutting down the government this month. which i'm told in america is a thing that deserves praise. yeah. that's right, it seems this government is being run by t mobile, month to month. no contracts. meanwhile, we also learned that the plague is apparently staging a comeback in america. with 11 u.s. cases reported since may. yeah, 11 u.s. cases of the plague. pizza rat not so charming now, is he? but perhaps most upsetting,


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