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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  March 9, 2016 1:34am-2:10am PST

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i didn't know what to do, so i was like, "yeah, dude. i don't [bleep] know what happened." all right, anyway, that's the end of my story. thank you so much, you guys. you guys are awesome. - yo, guys, check this out! from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show with trevor noah." [ cheers and applause ] captioning sponsored by comedy central >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show," i'm trevor noah. thank you so much, everybody. our guest tonight, host of the new viceland docu series, "gaycation," ellen page is joining us tonight, people! [ cheers and applause ] but first, breaking news from across the atlantic. >> u.s. warplanes have reportedly killed 150 people over the weekend at what the
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military says was a terrorist training camp. >> the pentagon says the camp was preparing to conduct a large-scale attack against u.s. and african forces. >> drones and manned aircraft caught the fighters lined up out in the open for what appeared to be their graduation ceremony. >> trevor: good lord, that is heartless! [ laughter ] i mean, i know they're terrorists, but at their graduation ceremony? [ laughter ] they didn't even have the day to celebrate being terrorists. this were so full of hope and ammunition. [ laughter ] and the best part is -- this happened, right? the strike took place at the very end of the ceremony. [ laughter ] so probably, like, all of the terrorists were there, in the caps in the air, "yeah, yeah, congratulations, class of 2016!" [ laughter ] and run! okay, everybody, to be that cold-blooded, like the drone operator doing this, has to be a special kind of person, just sitting there, like, "wait for it." [ laughter ] "wait for it!"
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and, like, you know, all of the famous speeches that people make at those days, you know, some of the valedictorians, you know, "today is the first day of the rest of your -- oh, wait, wait. wait. wait, scrap that." [ laughter [ laughter ] oh, man! you know, the real victim here is the graduation gown rental company. [ laughter ] they lost everything! [ laughter ] now, here's what makes the story even more interesting. wile president obama was ordering strikes on a terrorist organization, he also had the time to do this -- >> president obama will be paying tribute to charlie brown, snoopy, and the rest of the "peanuts" gang. he's written the foreword for the 25th volume of the complete "peanuts," the latest in the series, repripting of the iconic comicbook strip, and in the introduction, president obama said for decades, "peanuts" was our only daily security blanket. >> trevor: of course, obama likes "peanuts."
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he spent eight years trying to kick the football while congress snatched it i a away. it's a world-famous comic strip, featuring charlie brown, linus, with the blanket, and lucy, asshole for no reason. [ laughter ] but the big question we ask of "the daily show," is obama really the biggest peanuts fan? if you look at it objectively, his policies haven't been too good for the "peanuts" gang. before obamacare, lucy had a thriving psychiatry practice. [ laughter ] but all of the costly regulations forced her out of business. and how about snoopy? the dog who served his country bravely as a world war i fighter pilot, and that's 28 dog years, people. you don't think of that. and because of obama's inability to fix the v.a. backlog, the local clinic doesn't give him the support he needs, forcing snoopy to pay for meds out of the pocket, which is tough for him, because he doesn't have pockets,
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because he's a dog. [ laughter ] and don't get me started on common core. yeah. whose so-called standards mean good teachers are losing their jobs, just because they talk differently. yeah. [ laughter ] yeah, and i'm missed, too, mrs. donovan, i really am. oh, wow. you lost your pension? i can't believe it. i'm so sorry about all of this. >> blah, blah, blah, blah. >> trevor: yeah, i guess we could get a drink after the show. [ laughter ] but what if mr. donovan finds out? he'll be furious. >> blah, blah, blah. >> trevor: how will we make it look like a suicide? [ laughter ] i guess that makes sense. i'll meet you at home depot. [ laughter ] on a serious note, though -- barack obama's tenure is almost at end. he only has ten months left, which is a lot of time for humans, but you must understand, in the american government, that's barely
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enough time to have anything obstructed. [ laughter ] still, you can't argue with one thing. obama made history as america's first black president, and that, of course, has been a cause for celebration for all -- well, most. and jordan helper has more. >> under the obama presidency, a segment of americans have felt like second-class citizens. tragically, some have been marginalized their entire lives. i'm talking about white kids. what does it do to a young white child's dreams to have never seen themselves reflected in the nation's highest office? all right, guys, what do you want to be when you grow up? >> i want to be a stock exchanger. >> a stock exchanger? >> i want to be a pizza man. >> a pizza man. what's the coolest, most powerful job you could imagine yourself becoming? >> probably a singer. >> prosecutor. >> i do want to work on history channel. >> that's your biggest dream, working on history channel?
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that's so sad. [ laughter ] >> could these poor little crackers even imagine that a president could be white? i want you guys to draw what you think a president looks like. find the colors that you think work best. three, two, one -- reveal. i saw brown and brown and -- come on, kid, really? a green president? what if i told you that a president could look like this? [ laughter ] >> i can't see -- >> i can't see -- >> you can't -- you can't -- >> it's a white crayon. >> well, imagine -- imagine a president could look white, is what i'm saying. that we could have a white president. >> it's hard to be a president. you have to, like, do so many things. >> francesca, what i'm saying is you could be president. you don't have to think you can't do it. >> i'm not saying that all white people are bad, but some of them are. [ laughter ] >> i feel like this is just white self-hatred, where you don't think you can be great.
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luckily with ben carson dropping out of the race and hillary and donald leading the pack, there's a good chance the next president will be whiter than a game of ultimate principal at "downton abbey." you guys have never known a white person in a position of power. i mean, outside of, like, congress and the supreme court and i think most of the billionaires -- >> yes. >> -- and actually, most of -- uh -- super heroes, i think all are white. everybody playing "batman." >> batman! >> outside of that, you barely have known any white people in the position of power. >> the thing is we all need -- almost as -- so all men are equal. that's -- so we have the dream of being president, and that's great. >> you're saying white people can be presidents, too. >> yeah. >> if they're at a point in their lives where we might have a white president, we might be able to have a white oprah. the sky's the limit. if i could get my milky-white
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poindexters to sound presidential, maybe they'd start believing it. the only thing we have to fear is fear itself. >> the only thing we have to fear is fear itself! >> read my lips -- no new taxes. >> all: read my lips, no new taxes! >> we're gonna build the best wall! >> all: we're gonna build the best wall! >> and who's going to pay for it? >> all: and who's going to pay for it? >> mexico. >> all: mexico! >> wait, what? >> ah, yes! [ laughter ] we were teaching them a valuable lesson. >> -- the color, i'm on your side. >> no, just one thing, it doesn't even matter! >> yeah, i can imagine, a white president. i can imagine a black president. i can imagine any kind of president. >> mission accomplished! and soon enough, these kids will finally have a role model in the oval office they can look up to -- except for one small problem. >> i refuse to vote for hillary clinton. >> because she -- >> she used her own private
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computer. >> to talk about governmental stuff, so she should get arrested. >> it's over! >> it's over! it doesn't matter anymore! >> it's not like she murdered somebody. >> you know what, every -- [ overlapping speakers ] >> okay, maybe they lean a little more to the right. >> cruz, trump, i think they all act like a bunch of kids, like kids in preschool. >> and you should know, because you were in preschool, what, four years ago? >> they're fighting over a bunch of nothing. if they want to do this, then they should at least going to jupiter or something. [ laughter ] >> america is a biggest country in the world, and you don't want to act like children when you want to be the president like that. >> are you afraid a white president will mess it up, and we'll only have black presidents from now on? >> maybe a rich white president. >> okay. well, mm. get ready for cory booker in 2020! [ cheers and applause ] >> trevor: thank you, jordan. jordan
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[ cheers and applause ] >> trevor: welcome back. a new story falls through the cracks, louis black hatches it in a segment we call "back in black." >> osama bin laden! we all know he was the scum of the earth and deserves to rot in hell, but did you also know how much he loved the written word? the cia releases new documents uncovered in the raid on osama bin laden. >> a second release now to the public providing some interesting insight into the terrorist's mind. >> and they shed new light on
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what he was thinking, reading, and writing in his final days. >> that's right. bin laden was reading and thinking while we were spending all that money trying to find him, he was trying to find himself. [ laughter ] when s.e.a.l. team 6 kicked in the door, he was nestled next to the fire with a glass of wine -- [ laughter ] -- and a copy of "eat, pray, love." yes, it turns out the guy trying to blow up the world had his own concerns about what would happen once he was gone. >> you see osama bin laden who was obsessed, you might say, with his own death. he had a last will and testament in there. >> that's right. bin laden had a last will and testament. the first line said, "stop sharing!" [ laughter ] and to my loved ones, i leave you this -- >> he says he has $29 million stashed in the african country of sudan. let me quote from this. "i hope for my brothers,
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sisters, and maternal aunts, to obey my will and to spend all the money that i have left in sudan on jihad for the sake of allah." >> sorry, bin laden. you may have been the feared terrorist, but no grandkids spends their inheritance money how you want them to. [ laughter ] look at one of the flammable hoverboards and bitcoins. [ laughter ] although i do respect a man who asks his grandkids to kill themselves. [ laughter ] i don't know you could do that in a will. i need to call my lawyer! listen, schmuck, have the following people kill themselves! [ laughter ] starting with you! but don't be surprised that osama was tough on his family. last year, he found out how he treated potential employees. >> one of the more stunning documents, a job application for those seeking to join al qaeda, asking about hobbies, special skills, and
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instructions to write legibly. [ laughter ] >> you're telling me you get a guy who's willing to blow himself up, but you're going to turn him down because you can't read his handwriting? [ laughter ] that's like turning an organ donor down because he chews with his mouth open. [ laughter ] >> and then, this -- do you wish to execute a suicide operation? who should we contact in case you become a martyr? [ laughter ] >> emergency martyr contact? that's the stupidest [ bleep ] thing i've ever heard of! [ laughter ] does every job involve bureaucratic nonsense? the one perk of being a suicide bomber should be, no paperwork! [ laughter ] you just say, "yes, i'm all in!" but there's a lot about bin laden in these new documents that you wouldn't expect. >> osama bin laden was an environmentalist, and much was discovered in his compound in pakistan, he worried about the dangers of, quote, catastrophic
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climate change. >> president obama had an unlikely ally in the fight to slow climate change. osama bin laden -- >> who knew that president obama had such an infamous ally -- >> he jumped on that bandwagon, didn't he? >> yes, he did. >> so to speak? >> of course! ooo-bama and bin laden friends! that's why obama hunted him down, stabbed him in the face, and then threw his corporation into the ocean! you know! friends stuff! [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] listen! listen, you numbnuts! just because obama and bin laden both want to stop climate change, that doesn't make them buddies! guess what? i'm [ bleep ] a painter, but that doesn't make me friends with hitler! [ laughter ] you know? this whole climate change issue makes one thing very clear. bin laden wasn't just any old
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douchebag terrorist, he was a douchebag terrorist mastermind. he knew if he stood up for fixing climate change, then americans would be anti-climate change, and then climate change would destroy america! [ laughter ] it's his final plot against us! nice try, bin laden! you think we're that stupid? [ laughter ] so listen to me, climate change deniers! either get on board with fixing this, or the terrorists win! [ cheers and applause ] trevor? >> trevor: thank you. we'll be right back. people used to ask where's the beef? and wendy's always had. the. answer. but now... where's the beef? means something different. because some use beef frozen from as far away as australia. "what's wrong with australia" but if you ask wendy's the juiciest hamburgers are made with beef raised... right here. to get here so fast it never needs to be frozen unlike some other guys.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> trevor: welcome back. tonight, we have academy nominated award actress and host of new series on viceland called "gaycation." >> we're arriving in brazil at the peak of carnivale season, one of the most sexual lly sexu countries in. a country with the most progressive equality lives in latin america. it also has the highest lgbtq murder rate in the world. so ian and i are here to explore what's going on. >> trevor: please welcome ellen page! [ cheers and applause ]
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>> thank you. wow. >> trevor: thank you so much for being here. >> oh, thank you for having me. >> trevor: no, no, thank you for having me. >> well, here we are. >> trevor: let's talk a little bit about "gaycation," which sounds like a national lampoon's movie. [ laughter ] but it's not at all. it is not a comedy. >> no. >> trevor: it's a beautiful show, by the way. >> oh, thanks. >> trevor: if you haven't started watching it, you guys really should. other than the obvious reason s, why did you feel this show needed to be made? >> well, i think -- you know, i felt like it needed to be made because i'm always interested in the lgbt community, just being represented more. you know? and i thought it was an opportunity to travel around the world and to learn so much, you know? i've had the opportunity to meet some of the most courageous, brave human beings, activists -- >> trevor: yes. >> -- that you could ever be so fortunate to meet in your life. and i just wanted an opportunity to allow people to
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tell their story and so people could, you know, of course, we explore my best friend ian, and i, we explore the triumphs and the joys and the nightlife and all these things. but sadly, unfortunately, of course, the part of the show that's about discrimination and the oppression that people face. and i think for the most part, sometimes people just don't know. you know? they just don't know the struggles that a lot of people face. and hopefully, it's an opportunity for people to see that and maybe that could help change some minds or some hearts. >> trevor: yeah, when you're in brazil, there's a moment -- i was afraid for you. i mean, you know, it's one of the things watching, and you're, like, will she survive? and, yeah, she'll survive, because she's on the show. [ laughter ] you are in brazil talking to -- is he still a member of the police? >> a retired cop. >> trevor: a retired cop, who basically prides himself on killing gay people. >> mm-hmm. >> trevor: and you tell -- he doesn't know you're gay when you come to talk to him. why would you do -- do you know
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what the flo -- what they are? >> i do. >> trevor: you go into that environment, and weren't you terrified when this was happening? >> it could be a horribly naive thing to do. you know, i think when we're in these places, we work with incredible producers on the ground. and in brazil, this came up when one of these amazing people we were working with, and she was a real extraordinary, brave journalist there, sort of, you know, prevented this opportunity for this interview, and we did it -- you know, it's -- it feels important, because i do think it's important to see what that is, that that exists. you know? and i think in that situation, you don't -- you're not really thinking about yourself. you're thinking about those who are vulnerable in the community there, who might not know that this man's walking down the street right next to them. i think that's what you're thinking about for the most part. you know? >> trevor: and some of the people really are walking on
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the street next to them, because it's not just international countries. you had an interesting encounter with ted cruz. >> mm-hmm. >> trevor: did he know who you -- who you were? >> i don't know, probably not. [ laughter ] >> trevor: cruz doesn't watch "x-men"? he didn't watch "inception," he didn't know? he didn't watch "juno"? >> i don't know. [ laughter ] >> trevor: did he connect with you in any way? what did he try to say to you? >> you know, i was essentially just trying to ask him about, you know, the -- his stance on lgbt equality, which we're all well aware is bad. [ laughter ] to say the least. >> trevor: to say the least. [ laughter ] >> and, you know, i do think it's pretty extraordinary to be in a place, in a country where that conversation's possible. >> trevor: yes. >> and that ted cruz is willing to talk to me and continue the conversation, you snow? and that's something i feel -- >> trevor: he's wearing an apron -- >> yes, wearing an apron, at the state fair in iowa.
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did we connect on any level? no, you know, i don't know what to say, i don't think he -- [ laughter ] -- it doesn't seem like something he really wants to hear, and sadly, you know, that's really unfortunate for the lgbt community. i think what we need to understand is that rhetoric is destructive. if you're perpetuating discrimination or hate, that really affects people's lives and it affects our society negatively. it helps no one. and i hope the show can somehow demonstrate that that rhetoric really does hurt people. [ cheers and applause ] >> trevor: it's a -- it's a beautiful story that i think will connect -- i'll tell you, when i was watching it, as i say, i was afraid for you. i was afraid with you. and it's really a beautiful story that connects you to a group of people that need as many voices as possible. so thank you very much for being here. >> oh, thank you. [ cheers and applause ] >> trevor: thank you so much.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> trevor: that's our show for tonight. join us tomorrow, and here it is, your moment of "zen." >> residents on maine will vote on whether to change the road's name. the people keep stealing the name. the town is having to replace the street signs that say katey's cro [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ (cheers and applause)


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